Ellie and Jane came in together. They stopped talking when they saw me.
‘Hello, sweetheart,’ said Jane.
‘You were talking about me,’ I said. ‘That’s okay, carry on.’
‘We were only saying we hoped tonight would be more comfortable than last time,’ Ellie said. ‘You haven’t told us why you’ve called the meeting.’
Pixie came in behind them, out of breath and red in the face. ‘I’m not late, am I? I got caught up talking to Trevor.’ She rolled her eyes.
On the one hand I was grateful for the air of normality. But really, she could have been a little uncomfortable about ousting me.
‘We can get started if that’s okay.’ I sat in Rob’s chair and the others settled around me. ‘So, you’re wondering why I called you all here …’
Poor attempt at a joke. Nobody got it.
‘Erm, well, I wanted to talk to you about your decision to remove me as president.’ My statement hung there like a whiffy fart.
‘Is there anything left to say?’ asked Pixie, crossing her arms.
I nodded. ‘I want you all to recall a few things. Pixie, do you remember that time we went to Stratford-upon-Avon and the rude little boy next to us asked his mum why you were so fat? Or telling me that you always get cakes for takeaway so nobody sees you eat them?’
‘That reminds me,’ Pixie said. ‘Nearly forgot about this.’ She pulled a squashed chocolate muffin from her handbag. ‘We can share.’
‘And Jane,’ I continued as Pixie enjoyed her illicit muffin safely amongst friends. ‘You felt like your colleagues were talking behind your back when you gained weight. Remember?’ She winced, giving me a stab of guilt for bringing it up, even for good reason.
‘Ellie?’
‘Oh, you don’t need to remind me of how many times I’ve felt like shite because of my weight.’ She laughed nervously. ‘I’ve got them all catalogued up here.’ She tapped her temple.
I shrugged. ‘So why is it okay for you to single me out because of my weight when it’s not okay for others to do it to you?’
‘That’s different, Katie, and you know it,’ Pixie said. ‘We’re stigmatised for being overweight. As were you before your thyroid gave you the helping hand. We’re prejudiced against and made to feel like crap about ourselves. I’m sorry that you feel bad about being thin but excuse me if I don’t cry tears for you. Don’t hate me because I’m so beautiful,’ she mocked.
‘Pixie, can’t you see that it’s the same thing? You’re saying I can’t do my job as president or work more on the dating business because I don’t look like everybody else around here. I’m sorry but that’s just as wrong as a thin person doing it to you.’
I looked at each of them, challenging them to argue.
‘It does feel like this is different though, Katie,’ Jane murmured. ‘You’re one of the normal ones now. It’s like men complaining that they’re being reverse-discriminated against when companies look to put more women on their boards. When you’ve got all the advantages it seems a bit, I don’t know, unreasonable to complain.’
‘Thanks, Jane,’ said Pixie. ‘That’s exactly what I meant.’
I shook my head in frustration. I didn’t want to hit the nuclear button and tell them what Jeremy said about unfair dismissal. A scorched earth policy definitely had to be the last resort.
‘And frankly I’m surprised that you’d even want to stay here,’ Pixie continued. ‘It’s not like you need us any more. Face it, Katie, you’ve outgrown us. Excuse the backwards pun. Jane is right. You’re in the regular world now.’
I couldn’t keep the tears of lost friendship from leaking out. Within seconds I was a snivelling mess.
‘Pixie, you don’t get to decide where I fit in the world. I do. I’ve got news for you. You throw words like normal around, but I’m not the normal one. You are. You and Jane and Ellie and the other sixty per cent of the population that’s overweight. Where I fit is decided by what’s in here.’ I pointed to my heart. ‘Not what’s out here. I cannot believe you’re being so obtuse. You’re doing to me exactly what’s been done to us all our lives. But because you’re not the one being made to feel like shite, the one being excluded and rejected by every one of your best friends, it’s okay. That’s no way to treat a person. Fat or thin, prejudice is prejudice. And it’s wrong. Justify it any way you like but it will always be wrong.’ I hiccupped. ‘And another thing. This isn’t a business, Pixie, where we have to make hard-headed decisions like some maniacal Sir Alan Sugar. This is us, together because we love each other and wanted to be together. It’s grown into the club, but that’s not the point of it. We’re here to support each other, as friends first. So to turn on me now, after everything I’ve done for you over the years, isn’t being a good businesswoman. It’s called being a bad friend.’
‘We have to think of what’s right for the club,’ she said.
‘Pixie, listen to yourself!’ Ellie said. ‘We are here because we’re friends. Our size is incidental to that.’
Pixie narrowed her eyes. ‘So you’re going to be emotional about this too? Well, I’m sorry about that.’ Pixie said. ‘Jane? Surely you can see that we have to think about the future of the club?’
‘I do see that,’ she said. ‘But I also see that Katie is our best friend. There has to be room for both here.’
‘This is unbelievable! You’re acting like I’ve got some vendetta against Katie. Can’t you see what an opportunity we have here? You’ve all agreed that I’m the best person to grow Fat Friends, remember? And I’m committed to doing that. She doesn’t want the dating business. She would have held us back. It’s nothing personal.’
She might as well have waved a red rag at a bull with that phrase. It’s nothing personal. How many times had I heard that in my life? Well, it bloody was personal.
‘As long as we’re not being personal, Pixie, then I’ve got a proposal to make myself. I don’t think you fit the ethos of the Curvy Girls Club. You’ve proven yourself unwilling to give the support that this club was founded on. You’re putting profit before friendship. That’s not what we’re about. So yes, maybe you’re technically the best person to run the dating business, but the fact is, I don’t want this club to be about business. I want it to be about friendship. I want us to remember why we started it, and I want it to be a place where everyone is welcome, because we’re not just a microcosm of the bigger world. We’re a refuge from it. It’s not about business, Pixie. It is about emotion and friendship. At least that’s what I want it to be.’
I was shaking as I stared at them. Those seconds seemed to stretch to years. My friends were slipping away. And my job, the club, Rob, all gone. I had no idea where I fit in the world any more, but I knew where I no longer fit. In the space of six months I’d lost fifty pounds and everything that was important to me. Some weight loss plan.
‘I propose a vote,’ said Ellie. ‘Our ethos should be made official, since it’s the whole basis of the club. We need to agree on that. Personally, I don’t want to put business over friendship either, or profit over support. That’s what the world out there is like. It doesn’t have to be the one in here.’
‘I agree,’ said Jane.
‘Me too,’ I said.
‘Pixie?’
‘So you’re going to let your emotions cloud your judgement?’ she said.
‘I’m going to let my friendship guide my judgement,’ Jane said. ‘Because that’s what will make me happy. So, friendship and support over business and profit. All in favour?’
Three hands went in the air.
‘Passed,’ said Ellie. She stepped forward and put her arms around me. ‘I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel bad,’ she said. ‘I didn’t mean to. When I voted against you as president it had nothing to do with our friendship. You’ll always be my best friend. Even if you got thinner than Kate Moss while eating ice cream every day I’d still love you.’
I never really doubted her friendship, but it was nice to hea
r her assurances anyway.
Then Jane spoke up. ‘I owe you an apology too, sweetheart. I was wrong to vote you out of the presidency because you’re thin. You’re right, it’s still discrimination and it’s no better than the people who sneer at us for being fat. Can you forgive me?’
I nodded, not trusting my voice. I noticed that Pixie stood apart from us now. It had been coming for weeks, but I was sad to see it happening.
‘Well, given the circumstances I have a proposal too,’ she said. ‘The club shouldn’t continue with the dating business. Clearly your hearts aren’t in it if you’re willing to turn your backs on such an opportunity when you could grow it here and expand to other cities.’
‘Why would we want to do that?’
‘You may not want to, but I do.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I was going to tell you tonight anyway. I’m taking the children to Manchester. I’ve been thinking about it since I left Trevor. I’m not going back to him. I know that for sure, and he does too now. I told him just now, before coming here. I’ll need to make a new life for myself, and London is just too expensive. I’ve talked to my parents and they want me and the children up there with them. They’ve got the extra bedroom. It’ll be a bit crowded, but they can look after the children while I work, and that’ll bring in money to help them and support us too. It’s what’s best for the children. And now, given what’s happened here, I think it’s right for me too.’
Now Pixie’s intransigence about the dating business and her moves to keep me from blocking her made sense. Her self-preservation was selfish, yes, and hurtful in the way she went about it, but somehow a bit more understandable than plain old mean-spiritedness. Pixie wasn’t only being a bad friend. She was doing everything she felt she had to do to be a good mother.
‘So I’m going to have to quit the club. But I want to take the dating business to Manchester. You don’t really want it anyway, and I think I can make it a success. I want the chance to try. If you’ll let me.’
‘Pixie, despite these last few weeks,’ Jane said, ‘I’ll be sad to see you go.’
I was surprised to feel the same way. I knew we’d never get our old friendship back, but I did want her to be okay.
‘You know my feelings about the dating business,’ I said. ‘I don’t want it, so you’re welcome to it as far as I’m concerned. All in favour?’
Four hands went up.
‘I still don’t want it to be called Fat Friends though, whether the club is involved or not,’ I said.
‘Well, I’ve been thinking about that,’ said Pixie. ‘And you’re right.’
‘I’m what?’ I said. ‘Can you say that again please?’
‘You’re right, Katie. So what do you think of the Big Beautiful Dating Club instead?’
‘The Big Beautiful … I like it! In fact I love it! The Big Beautiful Dating Club. It has a nice healthy ring to it, don’t you think?’
‘Finally we agree on something,’ she said, smiling as her eyes locked with mine. I took a deep breath, and smiled back. She didn’t apologise. That wouldn’t be her style. But we understood each other a little better, and that was something at least.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Two weeks later, Ellie and I got to the studios early for the programme filming. With so much excitement (me) and nervousness (her), neither of us had any chance of a lie-in anyway.
The whole crew was friendly and I even found myself warming to the botany twins when I saw how much care and attention they took over Ellie’s wardrobe. Mary Weather gave her a flawless complexion and the photographer spent most of the morning joking with her to get her comfortable with her national television debut. Gok was a consummate professional and within minutes of meeting we were dying to be his best friend. I caught Ellie pocketing one of the makeup sponges he’d used for her box frame celebrity collection and it all started to seem like a bit of a laugh.
But then, as Ellie stood under the lights with the camera clicking away, I saw the look of fear in her eyes when Rea asked her to take off the robe. Guilt punched me in the gut. It should have been me standing there terrified, not her.
‘It’s all right, Ellie, you are beautiful,’ I said from beside the photographer. She looked uncertain, her limbs stiff and unmoving. Then she took a deep breath, shrugged and let the robe drop to the floor. She stood there in her bra and pants for the photographer, and his camera caught the grin that lit up her face. I wouldn’t have missed that for the world.
When she was clothed again, I asked her how she felt.
She thought for a moment. ‘Like I’ve grown a few inches taller,’ she said. ‘I feel bigger, in the best possible way.’
During the lunch break we hurried over to the studio next door to see how Jane was doing. Fabulicious Tim had given her a long bob that framed her lovely face. It reminded me of a photo on her side table, of her at the beach on her honeymoon. Her smile was the same, happy and confident.
‘Are you sad that you’re not involved?’ she asked as we chose our sandwiches and drinks from the catering table.
‘A little bit,’ I said. ‘You look like you’re having so much fun.’
‘I’m surprised, but I am,’ she said. ‘I really am. All the therapy is helping. It’s pretty intensive, three times a week, but I knew it wouldn’t be easy to break a decade-long habit of feeling crappy. My therapist has me talking to myself in the mirror every morning like a lunatic, telling my reflection all the things I like about myself.’
‘Is it working?’ I asked.
She nodded. ‘Whenever I think about my size I counter it with something positive about me. Between the counselling, Andy and being with everyone at the club, it really is working. I can hardly believe it, but it is. I’m actually getting happy.’ She looked stunned at this admission.
Ellie squeezed her arm. ‘That’s wonderful!’
‘Finally you’re seeing what we’ve seen all along,’ I said. ‘You’re beautiful.’
She smiled. ‘Thanks, sweetheart. And I’ve been thinking about going back into presenting.’
‘Oh, Jane, that’s great!’ I said.
‘I know. Just making the decision feels pretty great. And actually, I’ve been talking to Rea about it. She thinks there are a couple of programmes that might suit me. I’m sure they won’t be big segments but that’s okay with me. It’s been a long time since I was in front of a camera. Until today.’
My phone buzzed with a text. How’s it going? Pixie wanted to know. Probably more fun than emptying boxes, but then I’m doing it with my clothes on, which is more than you lot can say. Have fun! Call me tonight. xo
I showed it to my friends. ‘It was the right thing,’ I said, thinking both of Pixie’s move and her exit from the club. ‘But we do owe her a lot. All this started because of her, when she quit Slimming Zone.’
‘And it’ll continue because of us and our members,’ Ellie said. ‘Cheers to the Curvy Girls Club.’
‘And to our futures,’ Jane added.
We raised our glasses to that.
Rob was waiting outside when we left the studios.
‘Hi, Rob,’ Ellie said. ‘We’ll see you later, Katie, okay?’
‘But I thought we were having dinner now?’
‘Uh, nah, I’m not really hungry.’
‘Me neither,’ said Jane. ‘I couldn’t eat a bite after that lunch.’
Rob smiled as my friends walked off together. ‘Hi. How’d it go?’
‘What are you doing here?’ He still texted me the weekly website stats, but hadn’t been to any of the events. I tried not to mind, but of course I did. As much as I’d willed my feelings to return to the comfortable platonic relationship we started out with, they just weren’t budging.
‘Jane told me you were here. I hope you don’t mind. Katie, I need to apologise for being such an arse. You were right about what you said on the Tube. I’ve been unfair, pushing my own issues on you. That makes me the self-centred one, not you. You did get a little wrapped up in
your new figure but I’d probably do the same thing in your shoes. I don’t know what it’s like to lose fifty pounds.’
‘Not nearly as good as you’d probably imagine.’
‘Well, thin or fat, you’re still you. And I like you, very much.’ He took my hand in his. ‘I’d like to start over please, if we can. But from after our date, where we should have left off.’
I thought about that. Then I shook my head. ‘That won’t work for me. I’m sorry.’ I hated to do it to him but it was time to be true to myself. I was tired of half-measures and compromises. I didn’t want to start from our date, because that held all the baggage from before. Alex, Rob’s ex-girlfriend, his feelings … mine.
His face fell. ‘I’m sorry. But I guess I can understand why.’
‘Hmm. Maybe not.’ I dropped his hand. Then I took it again in a firm handshake. ‘Hi. I’m Katie. Not Fat Katie. Not Thin Katie. Just Katie. It’s very nice to meet you.’ I smiled, hoping he’d return the sentiment. But whether he did or not, I knew that finally, after everything, we were friends again.
As I held his gaze, willing him to understand, I realised that it was our own misconceptions that had so easily snuffed out our relationship. If we were going to be more than friends, we’d have to start fresh, to see each other as we really were, clearly and without prejudice, not reflected in other people’s expectations.
Rob grasped my hand. ‘It’s nice to meet you, Katie. I’m Rob. But not just Rob. Hung-like-a-donkey Rob. Would you like to have dinner with me? I know a very romantic restaurant in Clapham.’
[THE END]
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