by Teri Blake
“I suppose you could argue that.” He frowned, giving the impression he would very much like to argue.
“I’m just saying that to get back to where we were—if it’s even possible—would mean we’d both have to say some things the other doesn’t want to hear. I can promise you that I didn’t want to hear that you blame this whole breakup on me. As if you had nothing to do with it.”
He crossed his arms. “I didn’t say that. Are you saying I did? Because when I asked you why you left, you said nothing. Not one reason.”
She’d walked right into that trap. She hadn’t wanted to have that conversation and had danced around it, thinking he hadn’t noticed. Of course he’d noticed. He’d probably planned what he was going to say strategically so they’d circle right back to where they were.
“You wanted a baby more than you cared about me,” she mumbled the painful words, glad they were outside where no one but Becker could hear them.
“That’s absolutely not true.” He held her gaze the entire time. Though he was a lawyer and could lie to her face, he never had. He had to believe something was at least mostly true before he would say it. Or frame it in such a way that it was true.
“It is true. You talked and planned. You pushed me until I couldn’t talk about it anymore. You didn’t even stop when I told you that I couldn’t have a baby. It wasn’t possible. You just kept right on planning. I told you to stop talking about it, it wasn’t going to happen. I can’t get pregnant.” Just saying the words still cut like the very first time she’d heard them.
She swallowed hard because the rest was the part that had sent her not only away from her husband but had changed the relationship she’d always had with her sister and sent her away from her home.
“You didn’t listen. You asked my sister to be our surrogate instead of hearing what I was trying to tell you.”
He ducked his head as he leaned forward. “I think you’ve got your time table a little off. Care to let me tell my side, since you finally told me yours?”
This would be it, the part where he would turn to his lawyer self and he would win whatever argument she put forth. She could feel it. Instead of just admitting he'd done anything wrong, he would justify himself and expect her to come right on back like nothing had ever happened. It didn’t matter that he’d never done that before, he would now. They’d never been this far gone before.
She closed her eyes, trying to think of the best way out of saying yes. Agreement would mean she accepted some of the blame instead of forcing him to shoulder all of it. She’d only just been able to see that Sonica probably wasn’t guilty of any cheating, and that she’d been the one to tell him to leave her out of the conversation. Could she admit some fault too?
Yes, but not all of it.
“We were talking about you first. Not me. You asked, I answered. I’m not listening to a word until you deal with what’s on the table right now.”
“Haven’t changed a bit, have you?” He laughed.
“I think I have. Maybe not for the better, but it’s still change.”
Problem was, if she really thought about it, she’d give about anything to go back to the time before they started trying to have a family. They’d been perfect together. But perfection couldn’t be maintained forever. Everything aged and shifted to something new.
“In some ways you’ve changed, certainly. But in the ways that matter, you haven’t.”
She wasn’t sure what he meant by that and asking him anything outside of what she wanted to know was dangerous. He could take the turn of conversation and avoid what she’d said completely.
Now that she’d said it, she didn’t want to avoid the problem any longer. He had to face the music.
One of the reasons Becker loved Channyon was her mind. And hers was still quick, even when she was stubborn. Maybe especially when she was stubborn. “Then let’s talk about what you laid out.”
He resisted the urge to lean forward like he was attacking the situation, but if there was ever a time for analytical thought, it was now. He wasn’t about to let go of his marriage over a misunderstanding, no matter how colossal it might have been. They’d both pretended to understand each other and missed the mark.
Somewhere in all the confusion was the truth and he was going to find it.
“So, I was pushy according to you. But in my defense, we were both pretty excited about the prospect when we began.”
“But when I told you I couldn’t…” She clamped her mouth shut and practically locked her jaw. He could almost laugh if the situation weren’t so dire.
“The word couldn’t discounts lots of things. I’ve seen a lot of couldn’ts come true in my life.” More than he could count. The value of hope could never be understated.
“The doctor said I couldn’t.”
“No, he said it would be difficult. He wanted to test how often you actually ovulate.”
“You were listening?” Her jaw trembled, but he knew she wouldn’t cry. She was tough as nails and he’d never seen tears from those beautiful eyes. Another reason he loved her so much.
“Of course I was. Every detail. If you didn’t want to continue, I wish you’d just said that you don’t want to have a child. I was left wondering what, exactly, you meant and when I talked to your sister—the one who knew you best—you only became angrier.”
“You asked her to be a surrogate for us!” Her eyes flashed and he was pretty sure by the volume that everyone inside heard that part of their conversation.
“Actually, what I asked her was if we should ever get that far in the process would she consider it, because I trusted her. Aryn was far too hurt after her assault to be healthy enough to ask. Giving up a child might have broken her. But I never asked her outright. I wouldn’t do that without talking to you about it. I was letting you have time to yourself before I brought up the possibility.”
He’d wanted to have as much set up as he could in advance, in the hope that after Channyon had a little break from the stress of the negative tests and the bad news that she would want to continue and be thankful that he’d done some of the uncomfortable parts. Never had he thought she would turn it against him.
“You didn’t ask her? She told me you asked her. I overheard you talking about it.” She shook her head. “Don’t play lawyer with me, Becker. Don’t manipulate words to make me believe what you want.” She clenched the arms of her chair like she was going to run again.
“Channyon, stay. Talk to me. I don’t know what you heard, but I can promise you that what I asked for was just preliminary. Nothing more. I even prefaced it with Sonica as, ‘Channyon is hurting too much to deal with this right now, but when she’s ready, can we talk about this as an option?’”
She shook her head slowly. “This is crazy. I know what I heard. I wouldn’t have run if I hadn’t heard what I did. Are you trying to trick me?” She stood and went to the edge of the cement patio, resting her elbow on the rail.
“No, I wouldn’t do that.” For once he wished he wasn’t a lawyer. “I’m sorry.”
“Well, at least there’s that. I know what you remember, but there were at least two conversations because I overheard one and Sonica told me about another well after the fact.”
He only remembered one talk because Channyon became so angry after that, it seemed pointless. “I only remember speaking to her once. Maybe you’re remembering the same conversation. But either way, it doesn’t matter. You heard what you heard, but now you know what my heart intended.”
Her chest heaved. It was the closest to tears he’d ever seen her. “Why did you have to still talk to her when I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore? Couldn’t you have just waited?”
Now he wished he had. All this mess could’ve been avoided if he’d just waited to talk to Sonica until Channyon had gotten past the pain of infertility—if she ever could—and had moved on to taking the next steps. His rush to fix the problem while she healed would now cost them all future children, a
nd possibly even a future together.
“I don’t know. I was so intent on not only giving you what you wanted, but leaving a legacy. I guess I was blind. I heard you, but underneath, I thought I heard the part of you I knew best. The one who wanted a child. And I just went ahead. But I am sorry.”
“You said that. But I don’t know where we go from here. I can’t just change how I feel. The truth may be out, but the pain is still there. How do I let that go? Even though you say you didn’t betray me, I still feel betrayed.”
He wasn’t sure. There wasn’t much he could do. He couldn’t make her see his heart. He couldn’t make her feel better. “I can only be here. I can’t go back and I can’t change you. I can show you how I am, how I’ve always been. I love you and I always will.”
He stood and gently wrapped his arms around her waist. She didn’t push him away and he took the opportunity to hold her, just like he’d wanted to do for months. Maybe she would never get around to listening to his side completely, but maybe that was all right. She was the one who had been hurt enough to leave. He had mostly been hurt by her leaving.
“I have everything on hold. There’s nothing more important than you right now. Give me some time, all right? I know we’ll come to a crossroads at some point and we’ll have to make decisions about our future. But let’s not think about those tonight.”
She nodded her agreement and leaned back into him. She felt so good right where she was, but he knew it wouldn’t last long enough. In a few minutes, someone would come and tell them to come to supper and that would break the moment. There would be no getting it back.
Stars freckled the sky above them and he took a deep breath. “Remember our first date?”
She giggled. “Is that what you call it?”
He’d taken her for a drive and his colleague thought it would be funny to syphon the gas from his car, knowing Becker would be too distracted to notice. Nothing like a convertible stuck on the side of a country road with no cars in sight.
“My cell phone didn’t have service and you just sat in the car laughing.” He chuckled, holding her tight.
“I thought it was a set-up. I really did. I thought you’d planned it.”
In her defense, he usually did plan everything. Life might have less surprises that way, but it also had a lot less issues. “Not planned, but I really am glad that dog breeder happened by.”
“Lynda, I remember. She was a collie breeder. Wasn’t her dog’s name Mister, or something like that?”
He nodded, hoping Lynda was well but glad he’d never driven down that particular road again. Embarrassment didn’t usually make him change his course in life, but that had been a time he didn’t want to repeat. And he never drove anywhere anymore without checking his gas gauge.
Her voice sounded tentative as she replied, “You know. It’s probably good that happened.”
He couldn’t imagine a single reason why getting stuck on the side of the road and relying on a stranger willing to drive to town to get him a few gallons of gas would be a good thing. “Why is that?”
“Because before that date, I was under the impression that you were way too above me. You were a lawyer. I was…nobody. You helped people like my sister keep it all together. I tried to keep my life and theirs from falling apart. You had money and cars. I had a beat-up Suburban that was as old as me. I needed to see you be…average.”
He kissed the back of her head and squeezed her close. “Well, I would hope that the last year has taught both of us that I am just as human as the next guy.”
Chapter Nine
After a few days, the morning routine of school fell into place. Karla dropped her keys near the front entry and took a relaxing deep breath. For once, the house was completely quiet. And, since the construction would start any time now on the Tidewater, there were no guests to attend to.
Back in her room, her phone rang. With the quiet and peace, the sound was less than welcome. She grabbed her coffee, still sitting on the counter from that morning, and headed for her room. She reached it knowing if she didn’t swipe to answer, it would go to her voicemail. Seeing who it was, she almost let it go.
Rob’s face, the picture he’d put into her phone three years before, smiled up at her. She swiftly swiped it and turned him on speaker phone so she could pace.
“What is it, Rob?”
“Good morning to you, too. Did you get the kids off to school all right?”
She wanted to believe he sounded friendly, like he just wanted to know about Maisy and Davin, but nothing he’d ever done in the last five months was friendly. The mess of the day before, especially the suspicion that Davin was smoking, rushed to the front of her mind.
“We’re fine. The first day was a few days ago though.” Didn’t he even remember the date she’d told him? Though if he wasn’t here, why would a date matter?
“Yeah, I had it on the calendar but I know you go crazy about the first day. I didn’t want to deal with you then.”
She bit her lip to remain silent. She may have come close to the edge, but he didn’t know half of what she’d been going through. He knew her as the stay-at-home mom who only ever stressed about her kids. Funny how she didn’t want to go back to that, even though in some ways it would be easier.
“Was that all?” She slurped her coffee loudly to make herself sound busy and not like she was just pacing her bedroom.
“Actually… You know that money from last month? Well, I bought groceries with it while the kids were here, but even that wasn’t enough. I had to cover some myself. Davin eats a lot more than I expected him to.”
He was a boy. He was on a self-feeder over the summer. What boy wasn’t? Did Rob expect Davin to go hungry? “Yeah, I have to send extra snacks to school with him that he can eat between classes.” If she didn’t, he would be a bear when he got home.
“Yeah, well, that extra money had to come out of my emergency fund that I was saving for Audrey and me in case I can’t find a house. I haven’t found a job yet and we’re still living in an expensive apartment.”
“Maybe you should move?” She felt the acid building in her stomach. He was going to ask for more, just like Sawyer had said. Why did he always have to be right?
“Everywhere around here is expensive. Look, I just need a couple thousand to get us through until I can find a job. You know I’m good for it.”
She absolutely did not know that. Just a few months ago, he’d stolen her savings and sent them into overdraft to convince the bank she was a thief and shouldn’t have an account with them. “I haven’t seen any repayment for the money you’ve already borrowed…or stolen.” She hated fighting and her neck was a block of tension grinding into her shoulders.
“Look, we’re fully separated now. The house is in your name. I don’t have anything to do with you anymore. But you’re the only one I’ve got to turn to. Would you willingly let me starve?”
She hung up the phone as she thought about the fact that he’d wanted to do just that to her and, by proxy, his own children. He’d emptied their bank account and her pantry had been all but empty. If Sawyer hadn’t stepped in and secretly bought her a boatload of groceries, she, her children, and her sisters would’ve had to beg for food.
Her hands itched to race around the house and look for things to adjust until they actually shook. She had to do something to calm her inner self, then she could think about what to do with the problem at hand.
Outside her window, the waves slowly reached the shore, then flowed back again. Perfection. Timed. Over and over. She opened the window to hear the gulls but was too far away and too distracted to hear the water and closed it again almost as quickly.
Within fifteen minutes, her chest didn’t ache and her body had relaxed. Now that she could think straight, she had to think of the problem like Sawyer would. What would he see as the next step that wasn’t the last step? She closed her eyes.
There would be no money going to Rob. She didn’t have it and even if
she did, he wasn’t even close to the first charity she’d give to. But the real problem was Rob himself. He obviously thought he could simply call her whenever he needed anything, much like he had when they were married. Anything he needed while he was at work, he would call her and delegate her to do it.
She paced some more, then sat heavily on the bed. It wasn’t like her coffee could get any colder. If the problem was Rob and the fact that he had no boundaries, then she needed to set some up. Boundaries that wouldn’t harm her when it came time for the divorce—only six months away now, not that she was counting the days.
Her phone sat on her nightstand, surprisingly quiet. He hadn’t called her back to yell at her for hanging up on him. He hadn’t called her back to beg. Had he solved her problem before she had to deal with it?
Even thinking that was the easy out and would just lead to more stress. Just like last time, she’d be thinking about him and what he’d asked of her long after the transaction was done. He was taking over her life when he should be gone from it.
Boundaries.
She took a deep breath and focused on the waves one more time as her tension built. She’d only called Rob when her kids had been gone for days and hadn’t been in contact with her. Other than that, she didn’t want to reach out to him. But now she needed to.
If she called Sawyer right now for advice, he’d definitely give it to her. And he’d be right because he always was. But after Rob, she wanted to do as much as she could on her own. If there was any hope of ever being a happy wife again, with anyone, she had to be strong enough to be a partner.
She stood and took a long gulp of her coffee, then took the cup out to the kitchen, passing the bowl with the keys hanging off the side and the refrigerator magnet that had gone askew. After rinsing her mug, she put it in the dishwasher. Okay, enough delaying the inevitable.
She pressed the icon for recent calls in her phone and pressed Rob’s, then again turned on speakerphone. He let it ring and ring, almost until she was sure she’d have to hang up. This wasn’t something that needed to be said over a voicemail.
