by Lori Foster
“Yeah, maybe.” But he didn’t believe it. He thought of the look on Carlie’s face as he’d hurled accusations…the way she’d backed away from him. Her nearly hysterical laugh.
Tyler closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was afraid he’d thrown away something precious. All because of his injured pride. “She’s incredible, you know. Absolutely incredible.”
Jason raised an eyebrow. “Are we talking about in bed?”
Tyler looked up, a frown solidly in place. “No! I mean…” He narrowed his eyes at his brother, then shook his head. “I was talking about other things.”
Jason watched him, a slight smile on his face. Tyler didn’t even notice. “She’s terrific with the kids. So patient and gentle, but boy, do they ever listen to her. They go out of their way to please her. And the parents! They hang on to her every word, as if she speaks the gospel. And she’s so intelligent. Loads of common sense—except when it comes to her own worth. She hides behind those damned ugly clothes. I hate that.”
Tipping his head back, Tyler stared at the ceiling, feeling hopeless and lost. “We had fun, Jason. Real, genuine fun. I would have sooner spent time with Carlie than anyone I know.”
“You love her.”
Still staring at the ceiling, Tyler said, “Yeah. I think I do. But love is a damn strange thing. I can’t decide if I like it or not.”
“I know I hated it when I fell for Brenda. I went through major denial. But then I’d see some clown talking to her, and I’d want to kill him. And I couldn’t keep my hands off her. She’d yawn and I’d want her. She’d smile and I’d get hard as a rock.”
Tyler scoffed, even though he was suffering the same thing. “I remember. You were warped.”
Jason merely grinned. “I still am. It’s terrific.”
Tyler made a quick decision, and immediately felt better. “I have to go see her.”
Jason gave him a cautious look. “Do you think that’s wise? Carlie needs time to—”
“I don’t mean right this minute. We both need time to think and I’m not sure I can think straight at all when I’m around her.” Then he grinned. “Hell, I can hardly think when I’m not around her. At least, not about anything other than her.”
Jason clasped Tyler’s shoulder, walking with him to the door. “It’s love, all right.” Then he grew serious. “But you have to be sure, Tyler. You have to be certain of what you want. Get your own thoughts straight before you make matters worse. The way you look now, you’d only go there and end up fighting with her again.”
Tyler smiled ruefully. “Don’t worry. It’s not fighting I have in mind.”
Jason slapped him on the back. “Remember that.”
WHAT A WASTE of time crying was.
It never solved anything and it was embarrassing. Brenda was sympathetic, but Carlie didn’t want sympathy. She wanted solitude, she wanted time to think, and luckily, Brenda was a good enough friend to realize it.
It had been almost two days since she’d last seen Tyler, since the morning he’d walked out her door with the obvious intent of never coming back. Luckily, there hadn’t been any basketball practices scheduled, so she didn’t have to worry about seeing him at school.
At least, not yet. She had no idea how Tyler intended to handle that. She certainly wouldn’t quit. That would smack of cowardice, and she had too much pride to be the first to give up. But the thought of seeing him, of trying to be sociable under the circumstances, was nearly too much. She had to get her act together, and she had to do it now.
A warm shower helped to revive her somewhat, and she tried to concentrate her thoughts on the children, on figuring out some way to help the more financially unfortunate families. She also needed some exercise to rid her of her tension.
She had a plan. It was foolproof, which was necessary, since she’d proven herself several times a fool. Part of the secret of recovering from shame and heartache was to make everyone else believe it didn’t matter one whit, and pretty soon, after convincing them, you automatically convinced yourself.
Carlie dressed in several layers of sweats, tied her sneakers neatly, and went out the door. The November air was very brisk, and the sky was overcast and gray. The wind was playful, blowing hard one minute, sending stray wisps of hair slashing across her eyes, and then dying, leaving the air strangely still and silent.
Carlie breathed deeply of the scents of approaching winter. It would snow soon, and before long the holidays would be here. That fact meant nothing to Carlie. She hadn’t celebrated a holiday since she’d finally escaped her husband over two years ago. Holidays brought memories, and memories only served to destroy her carefully erected peace of mind.
She ran hard for the first few blocks, and then, winded, her lungs aching, she switched to a slow-paced jog. She usually ran for about three miles. It was what she had always done for peace and contentment. Hopefully, it would work again.
But the hurdles seemed insurmountable today. Every step she took brought back thoughts of Tyler. And each thought ended with the angry flash of his dark eyes. What he must be thinking of her now….
It was as if she’d conjured him with her worries. She rounded the corner, laboring for breath, her cheeks stinging from the cold, and there he was. He was watching her, sitting on her front step, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his leather jacket.
Her heart lurched, her throat went dry and her skin felt tight—much too tight. But she smiled, a serene, undisturbed smile. “Hello, Tyler.”
He blinked. Obviously that wasn’t what he’d expected to hear. Especially not in such a cordial tone. Carlie was very pleased with herself.
He stood slowly, his eyes drifting over her jogging suit in obvious distaste. “You were out jogging.”
“Very astute of you. What gave me away? The suit itself or the fact that I just returned, still huffing?” She was trembling inside and her stomach was tied in knots, but she hid it well, knowing she’d rather die than have him know how badly he’d hurt her.
Tyler tilted his head, studying her warily. “I thought we should talk.”
Carlie bent over, placing her hands on her thighs. It looked as though she was trying to catch her breath, but in truth she needed a moment to regain her emotional balance. She hadn’t expected to see him again this soon. She wasn’t ready. The fact that Tyler was here, so near and looking so handsome made the chore of feigning nonchalance that much more difficult. She drew one last deep breath and straightened.
“I’m sorry, I really can’t right now. It’s a bad time for me. Papers to grade, lessons to plan. And I have a few phone calls to make.” She smiled politely.
“Carlie…”
“Yes?”
He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Things didn’t go exactly as I planned the other day. It took me by surprise—”
“That’s putting a pretty face on it, Tyler. It shocked the hell out of you. And enraged you. And I understand completely. I probably would have felt the same. But I’ve already apologized. There’s nothing more I can do. I can’t change what’s already been done. Believe me, I wish I could.”
“What would you change, honey?”
Oh, that tone, so sweet and gentle. Carlie forced herself to stand just a little straighter. “All of it, of course. From the day Brenda invited me to that stupid party, to yesterday. I’d erase it all.” She smiled at him serenely, hoping to put him at ease with her declaration. But it cost her. Her stomach felt so tight now, she feared she might throw up.
Tyler had probably come over with some vague notion that she might pursue him. She’d die first.
He touched her cheek briefly. “Then I’ll be eternally grateful you don’t possess magic powers. Because I wouldn’t trade the time I’ve spent with you for anything.” He waited a moment, then added softly, “I don’t really believe you would, either, Carlie.”
10
OH, GOD, oh, God. He couldn’t know that. Carlie summoned a smile, but her serenity had about
run out. “You’re wrong.”
“I’ve been wrong about a lot of things.”
Her eyes widened behind the lenses of her glasses, and she pressed a hand dramatically to her heart. “No! Not you, Tyler! Say it isn’t so, or all my grand delusions will blow away in the wind.”
“Dammit, Carlie…”
She chuckled. The sound was just a bit rusty, but convincing, all the same. “Go home, Tyler. It’s cold out here, too cold to stand around trading recriminations.” She went up the steps, fishing her key out of her pocket.
Carlie went inside and then turned to tell Tyler goodbye. He didn’t give her the chance. Pushing his way through, he was over the threshold before Carlie could voice a complaint.
He didn’t smile. He closed the door and leaned against it, watching her.
Warily, she faced him. “What are you doing?”
Tyler hesitated, then shrugged. “I can help you grade your papers. I still owe you, don’t I?”
“I don’t remember. But I’d rather you didn’t. I don’t have time to be distracted.”
He came away from the door. “Do I distract you, Carlie?”
She blinked at him, then laughed. “Turn your hormones off, Tyler. I was referring to your inane chatter.”
“You can’t be that indifferent to me, Carlie. I was there that night, too, you know. I recall perfectly everything that happened between us.”
Carlie moved away from the heat of his gaze. It was almost tangible, covering her in waves, penetrating her flesh. She sauntered as casually as possible to the kitchen, Tyler following.
She pulled out a chair and lowered herself into it, while all the time her mind was working furiously. This time, it wasn’t as easy to affect a carefree air. Her feelings were even more deeply involved now than when she’d first got divorced. She wasn’t a kid who had been disillusioned. And her feelings for Tyler surpassed infatuation.
When Tyler automatically sat opposite her, she regarded him seriously. “Maybe we should talk.”
He seemed relieved. “Yes. I want to explain—”
“Let me go first, Tyler.” Her heart was racing, her breath was shallow, but she knew she had to have her say and get it over with as cleanly as possible. Even though it cost her, she leaned forward and placed her hand over his. He couldn’t know how hurt she was. Pride was all she had left.
Tyler turned his palm upward, clasping her fingers. “Tyler,” she started uncertainly, “what happened between us was nice. I’ll grant you that.” His eyes narrowed, and she released his hand. “Don’t interrupt, please. I want you to understand. It was nice, and I believe I already thanked you. But it won’t happen again. Ever.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Then once again, I’m sorry. But it’s true. If you’re determined for us to remain friends, that’s fine with me. I like you. You’re a good person and you’re a lot of fun. But I won’t sleep with you again. Sex isn’t on my agenda. It was an aberration that we got together at all. Call it temporary insanity, and the key word there is ‘temporary.’”
“People can’t just turn off their emotions, Carlie. You were with me every step of the way that night, and it was a damned sight more than ‘nice.’ Hell, it was more than sex, more than anything I’ve ever known before. It won’t go away.”
“There’s where you’re wrong, Tyler. I can make it go away. I can turn off my feelings with a snap of my fingers. I can do anything I put my mind to. And right now, I’m sending you home.” She stood, but Tyler didn’t budge. Carlie couldn’t believe he’d thought she would abide a casual affair. Without mutual caring between them, it was impossible. But obviously, Tyler didn’t realize that. It was just as obvious he didn’t know her at all.
He eyed her speculatively. “Is that what you’re trying to do now? Turn off your feelings, close off your heart? That’s no way to live, honey.”
Carlie definitely didn’t want Tyler Ramsey rummaging around in her head, trying to decipher what made her click. She gave him a sardonic smile, reminiscent of the Carlie he met so long ago. “Wait, I think I can unearth some violin music around here somewhere to go with all this melodrama.” She shook her head. “It’s the only way to live, Tyler. At least, for me.”
Tyler looked down at his clasped hands resting on the tabletop. “I don’t think you can do it, Carlie. I think we shared something very special. It may not have been what either of us is used to, but it was still wonderful, almost explosive. And erotic.” He slowly raised his gaze, locking it with hers. “Someday, I’d like to see you in that harem costume again. I swear, I get aroused just thinking about it.”
Carlie’s head snapped back as if he’d slapped her. She tried to compose herself, but vivid, humiliating images were suddenly whirling through her mind. Her voice was a croak as she tried to regain control. “I want you to leave now, Tyler. I mean it.”
He came slowly to his feet, his eyes on her pale face. “Before I screwed things up, I think you would have laughed if I suggested that. I’ll get you to laugh again, Carlie. I’m not going to let you run away from me like this.”
Carlie snorted, recovering slightly with his calm, arrogant statement. “I don’t run from anyone. Not anymore. But I’ll be up-front with you. If you persist in making sexual innuendos, I won’t associate with you. I mean it.”
Tyler tried that word out on his tongue. “Associate? Hmm. Sounds suspiciously like a business relationship.”
“Or a casual friendship. The choice is yours.” It took all Carlie’s resolve to maintain eye contact. His eyes appeared almost black with emotion. He looked very tired.
Tyler gave her a gentle, sincere smile. “If the choice was mine, we’d be back in bed right now, everything else forgotten.”
Carlie went rigid. “You were wrong, Tyler. I detest your outrageousness. Now please leave.”
He scrutinized her. “Talk to me about your divorce.”
He was changing subjects as she’d wanted, but she didn’t like this new direction at all. She stared at him, annoyed. “Why?”
“I want to understand. And despite all your dictums, I care about you. I’m beginning to realize I always will.”
Her heart took a giant leap, but she repressed the feeling his statement incited. She looked at him with indifference, hoping she was masking her reaction. She couldn’t be that big a fool. Not again.
“Will you tell me about him, Carlie?” Then Tyler shook his head, his look almost apologetic. “Let me put that another way. I’m not leaving until you do.”
Hiding her exasperation was no mean feat. But she did, because to try to deny him would only cause him to dig deeper, she knew. Tyler could be very stubborn on occasion. She shrugged and went to the refrigerator to pull out a soda, without offering him one. It was a deliberate act of rudeness, but to her chagrin, Tyler merely fetched his own, then sat, watching her expectantly.
Carlie crossed her legs and propped one elbow on the table. “I met him in college. He was one of the ‘popular ones,’ if you know what I mean. I was a nobody. I worked my way through college, and there was very little time for a social life. It took most of my time just keeping my grades up and working enough hours to make ends meet. I was flattered that he paid attention to me. We spent my last year there dating off and on.
“In spite of the time I’d been seeing him, I guess I didn’t really know him. Things between us were pretty casual, and he dated other women, too, not just me. But when I graduated, he asked me to marry him, and I agreed. You see, my grandfather had already told me not to come home. And my brother…he never kept in touch. I was pretty much…alone.” She smiled, feeling somewhat foolish for pointing out so many details in her defense. It didn’t matter what Tyler thought. At least it shouldn’t. “I wanted a family. I wanted someone to want me. I thought he did. Pretty dumb reason to get married, isn’t it?”
“It’s a hell of a lot more reasonable than some I’ve heard. So go on. When did things start to go wrong?”
�
��About ten minutes after I said, ‘I do.’ We’d gotten married at a justice of the peace. It was a package deal, one of those that included a night at a honeymoon cabin. We went there directly.”
Tyler was starting to get an idea where the story was going, Carlie surmised, when he began to scowl at her. “You were a virgin?”
She gazed down at her soda can, running her finger around the rim. It was tough to get the words out, remembering how naive she’d been. “Yes. So I didn’t understand that it wasn’t supposed to hurt so much. His lovemaking was…crude. And rough.” Her eyes found his. “It wasn’t at all like what you showed me. I hated it. But he said it was normal. I was totally ignorant of men and I wanted to be reasonable, so I accepted his explanations. Only it didn’t get any better.”
Tyler lunged from his chair, nearly overturning it. He paced across the room, keeping his back to Carlie.
She spoke mildly, as if it didn’t matter one way or the other. “If you’d rather not hear this now, I’ll understand.” The truth was, she couldn’t believe she was actually telling him. She hadn’t shared intimate details of her past with anyone, not even Brenda. But in a way, it felt good to talk about it, to say things out loud. She drew a deep breath, then looked at Tyler again.
He was watching her closely. After a few seconds, he resumed his seat. “Go on.”
His expression was rigid and his eyes blazed despite his obvious effort at control. Carlie couldn’t help herself. She felt a genuine smile pull at her lips. “So outraged on my behalf?”
“I’d dearly love to get my hands on him.”
He said it so levelly, with so much gravity, Carlie believed him. She was shocked. Without thinking, she patted his arm. “Relax. It wasn’t all that bad.”
Tyler growled at her. “Don’t lie to me, Carlie, ever.”
“You mean ‘ever again,’ don’t you?”
“I don’t consider your little masquerade at the pool house lying.”
Her eyes widened, he seemed so sincere. “You don’t?”
“No. You would have told me the whole of it soon enough, if I hadn’t jumped the gun and been such a jerk. Now quit dodging the topic and finish your story.”
