by Suzanne Hart
I stared at him for a few moments and sighed.
“Yes, Daddy, I love him,” I replied.
Then I left, rushing down the corridors of the hospital to get to my car. Every pent up emotion came bursting forth once the door shut on me. I crouched down in my seat and bawled. I was going to leave the world I knew and embark on a new journey, all alone.
I placed a hand on my belly and spoke to the child that was growing inside me.
“It’s going to be okay, baby. Mommy’s going to take care of you,” I whispered.
34
Julian
It was the middle of the night and my phone was ringing beside me. I hadn’t been able to sleep anyway, with thoughts of Lisa coursing through my head. When I answered the call, I wasn’t even groggy.
“Julian, this is Alan Crowley. I’m calling from the hospital,” he said.
I sat up in bed, amazed to hear him speak. This was the last thing I was expecting tonight.
“What do you want, Alan?” I growled.
“I would appreciate it if you came and saw me, tonight,” he said.
“You want me to come visit you, tonight? It’s nearly one in the bloody morning. Have you finally lost all your marbles?”
“It’s about Lisa,” he replied, in a solemn voice.
“What happened? Is she okay?” I had already jumped out of bed and putting on my jeans.
“Yeah, she’s okay. I just need to talk to you. I’ve informed the nurses to let you in. I’ll see you shortly,” he said and ended the call.
I drove like a maniac through the busy streets of New York. Even at this time of the night, it was amazing how much traffic there still was.
I charged through the hospital’s corridors till I’d burst into Alan’s room. He’d been watching reruns of a TV show, and he muted it when he saw me.
“Didn’t take you very long,” he remarked and sat himself up.
I was panting by the door, glaring at him because I still didn’t trust him.
“What do you have to tell me about Lisa?” I growled.
“Have a seat, Julian, have a drink of water if you like. This won’t take long, I promise,” he said.
Alan seemed calm and composed. Something told me that he knew how I felt about her, and he was using her as bait to bring me here.
“Get on with it, Alan. I’m not here to make chitchat,” I barked.
Alan stared at me for a few moments, before he sighed.
“Did you know that I lost my wife when Lisa was just two years old?” He began.
I crossed my brows.
“What does that have to do with anything? Are you trying to gain my sympathy somehow?” I snapped.
Alan smiled gently and shook his head.
“I don’t deserve anyone’s sympathy, Julian. I’m a broken man. I deserve to spend the rest of my life in that wheelchair, maybe languishing in a prison somewhere.”
Hearing him speak this way, softened me. I clenched my jaws and walked over to the chair by his bedside.
“Okay, what is this about, Alan? You got me out of bed in the middle of the night. I hope for your sake this is not some kind of ruse,” I said, a little more calmly now.
He shook his head.
“It’s no ruse, Julian. I asked you to come here because there are some things you should know about me, and Lisa,” he replied. Why was he telling me anything about them? I kept that to myself.
“I’ve not been the best father to her,” he continued.
I cleared my throat. This conversation was making me uncomfortable. Had Alan decided that he needed to confess his sins to me?
“If you’re looking for forgiveness, Alan, you should go to a priest,” I replied.
“I have my reasons for telling you this, Julian. Will you just listen to me?” He snapped.
I sighed and said nothing.
“After my wife died, I lost my way. Mabel had been my guiding light for so long. She was the love of my life. I’d loved her since I was ten years old. We grew up together, I married her the day she turned eighteen. She was everything to me. I’m sure you know a little of what I’m talking about.”
I couldn’t look at him anymore. Was he asking me if I was in love with his daughter? What was the point now, she was gone already.
“Yeah, I can see it in your eyes, Julian. You love her. You love my Lisa, too,” he continued.
“What do you want from me, Alan?” I barked at him.
“I want you to know that I knew love like yours too. When Mabel died, I didn’t think life was worth living anymore. Not even for Lisa. She became second priority for me. The only thing I cared about was my company, and I couldn’t even focus on that well,” he continued.
“Is this going anywhere? I’m not interested in your sob story, Alan. Everyone has a story. It doesn’t make me feel sorry for you,” I grunted.
He nodded his head.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me. I know what I did to you. I should have believed in your business. I shouldn’t have left you hanging. I shouldn’t have instigated you to spend all your money. You think I haven’t lived with that guilt all these years?”
I stared at him. Was Alan Crowley actually apologizing to me? I couldn’t believe it.
“I’ve secretly been glad that you became a success, Julian. I pretended not to give a shit, but secretly, I was relieved. I’m sorry for my mistake,” he finally said.
I wasn’t prepared for this. I didn’t have a plan for when Alan apologized to me, because I never expected him to.
“What do you want from me? Why are you telling me this now?” I growled.
“Because my daughter hates me. But she loves you. You’re done, Julian. You have your revenge,” he said.
What was he talking about? Lisa was in love with me?
“How do you know that?” I snapped.
“She told me so herself, not very long ago, tonight,” he replied and a pathetic smile was spreading on his face. He was feeling sorry for himself.
I clenched my jaws. It didn’t matter. She didn’t really love me… why would she leave New York if she did?
“I’ve been horrible to her, Julian. I was never the father I should have been. I couldn’t get over the loss of my wife and I blamed everyone and everything for it. I cannot expect Lisa to forgive me for that,” he continued.
“She’s not going to forgive me either. I didn’t tell her the truth when I had the chance. She thinks I used her, but the truth is that from the moment I met her, I knew I couldn’t do you harm. For her sake,” I replied.
Alan nodded his head.
“Yes, I know that. I’m sorry that I led her to believe you would. I didn’t realize that you were in love,” he said.
“She’s gone now. She’s left for Dublin already, and she told me that I cannot change anything now,” I said.
Alan shook his head wildly.
“But you have to, Julian. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. You have to break the circle, and be a good father to your child,” he continued.
“My child? What are you talking about?” I stood up from the chair with a jerk.
Alan was staring at me, his eyes were subdued and his breathing was harsh.
“She told me she doesn’t want you to know. She’s pregnant, Julian. The baby is yours. I had to tell you because you need to be there for her, for the kid,” Alan explained.
The world seemed to be spinning under my feet. Lisa was pregnant? I was going to be a father?
That was what she was hiding from me!
“Fuck!” I growled and ran a hand through my hair. “Why didn’t she tell me!”
“Because of me. It’s my fault. She doesn’t think you are any better than me, Julian. You have to change that. You need to make her see you are a much better man than I have ever been,” Alan continued.
“Where is she? Where has she gone?” I growled.
“I don’t know. All I know is she got on a flight to Dublin tonight. She
didn’t tell me anything else,” he replied.
I flew to the door.
“Julian!” He called out and I turned to him, seeing him just as a haze. Nothing was making sense to me anymore. “Tell her I’m sorry and that I love her. Will you do that for me?”
I said nothing to him. Instead, I stormed out of the door and ran back to my car.
I tried calling the number she used for the office, but it rang through. There was no point calling her anyway, she was already on her way half way across the world. My only hope of seeing her again, of seeing my child was to run after her.
But Lisa had made it very clear that she wanted to be alone. That she didn’t want anything to do with me. What if Alan was wrong? What if she didn’t want me there?
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I groaned, punching the steering wheel with my fists till my knuckles started to bleed.
35
Lisa
The first thing I did when I landed in Dublin, was find my way to the B&B where I’d stayed the previous time. Thankfully, there was room for me to board, which meant that at least I could surround myself with some familiarity.
Dublin was just as pretty and comfortable as I remembered it.
Once I’d settled in, I walked around the city for a little bit. The last time I was here, I was worried about what Daddy thought of me. I felt adventurous and anxious, all at the same time.
This time, I didn’t feel like I was alone. I had another human being growing inside me, who I was responsible for. Now, it wasn’t just an adventure in Dublin. This was my new home.
I didn’t really know what I was doing.
I knew that I needed to find a doctor who could take a look at me and monitor the baby’s progress. Then I needed to find work, something to get me by till the baby arrived. My business degree would come in handy for this. I knew I could at least find a decent job based on that.
My plan of pursuing a degree in teaching would have to wait some time, but I hadn’t given up on it, yet. Eventually, when the baby was a little grown up and I had a firm footing in this country—I could think about going back to college.
Suddenly, I felt free. Free of my father.
I could be who I wanted to be and do whatever I wanted to do. The only person I was answerable to, was my child and I knew I would always take care of it.
As I walked around Dublin, I thought about Julian too.
I was glad now that we got to say goodbye. As painful as it was… it was something.
I didn’t know what I was going to tell my child about its father, but I knew I would carry him around with me forever. Wherever I went, a piece of Julian would always be with me. And that would have to be enough.
I had made the mistake of falling in love with the wrong man and now I was paying for it.
I vowed never to return to New York. If I ever saw my father again, it would have to be here. I knew that if I went back there, even for a short visit—I wouldn’t be able to resist seeking Julian out. Even though it had been less than a day that I last saw him, I missed him already. And I had my whole life ahead of me.
Just the thought of that made me dizzy. I had to lean against a lamp post to steady myself. I cradled my belly again, reminding myself that I was doing this for the sake of my child. Nothing would be more important than this baby. Julian’s baby.
36
Julian
I arrived in Dublin and took a taxi straight to city centre. I had been there once before but I remembered it well.
I also remembered the conversation I had with Lisa that night when we went for dinner. She couldn’t stop talking about Dublin. I’d seen the excitement and the joy in her eyes. Dublin was therefore an obvious choice for her to run away to. Now, I just had to find her.
According to my calculation, I was at least twelve hours behind her. Which meant, that Lisa had the chance to check herself into a hotel in the morning and must have spent the day walking through the city—like she told me she used to do when she was here last.
I didn’t have any bags with me. I’d gone to the airport straight from the hospital. So, I had no need to check into a hotel.
Dublin was a small city, but busy—especially now since it was still tourist season. How was I supposed to find Lisa like this? Without any leads?
The only plan I could think of was to go to every hotel, every B&B and guesthouse in the city center and ask if they had a Lisa Crowley staying with them. If they refused to disclose that information, I would have to offer as much money as I had to get it out of them.
I was willing to spend as long as it took, as much as it took, to find her again.
So, I started; picking the best and most expensive hotel in the city centre first and then working my way out from there.
She’d told me she stayed in the city centre the last time, and chances were that she would want to remain in the same area for familiarity’s sake.
I walked, from hotel to hotel, begging, threatening and pleading with the people at the reception desks to give me the information I wanted. There was still no Lisa.
I waited outside hotel doors for her, walked to museums and into shops I thought she would like, but she was nowhere. Dublin was bustling with people and I was sure she could easily get lost in the crowd somewhere.
Still, I wasn’t ready to give up yet. I’d spent eight hours looking for her, and my limbs were weary and I was exhausted, till I came up to a discreet B&B further away from the city center. It had a good view of the River Liffey and a simple aura, and somehow, I knew instantly that this was where I would find her.
When I walked into the place, I didn’t go to the reception desk. Instead, I went straight for the small dining room at the end of the hall.
“Excuse me, Sir, can I help you?” A lady came chasing after me.
“I’m looking for Lisa, and I think I’ve found her,” I replied to the lady in a daze, pushing the dining room door open.
Lisa was sitting in the corner of the room, by the window, looking out. She was in a bright pink dress, with her hair neatly braided and lying on her shoulder. When I stepped in, she was pouring tea from a pot into a cup and had a cookie in the other hand. She hadn’t seen me yet.
37
Lisa
I was lost in thought, daydreaming about baby names and what colors I would paint the nursery once I found my own place when a shadow fell on my plate of cookies and I looked up to find Julian standing over me.
For a moment, I thought I was hallucinating and I didn’t say anything. Then the lady who ran the B&B appeared behind him, looking nervous.
“Sorry, Lisa. This man says he knows you?”
I gulped, blinking rapidly to gather my senses again.
“Y… yes, he does. This is Julian,” I stammered.
She smiled and backed away, while he remained standing over me, searching my eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Lisa?” He asked.
He was speaking softly, there was no threat in his voice. I noticed that he looked tired, his eyes looked exhausted. What was he talking about? The only person who knew about the pregnancy was my father, so Julian couldn’t be talking about the baby.
“What is this?” I asked him.
Julian pulled out a chair across from me and sat down. He rubbed his face with his hands and shook his head.
“Lisa, please stop lying to me when I’ve been truthful to you. Your father told me what you told him,” he said. He was looking into my eyes with a pleading expression on his face.
It shocked me.
Daddy had spoken to Julian? How did this happen?
“He had no right…” I began to say but Julian interrupted me.
“And I had every right to know that you’re pregnant with my child!”
His voice was snappy, but his expression was not. He just wanted me to admit it, and I did.
“Yes, okay, you had the right to know and I kept it from you. But I had every reason to,” I argued.
Julian sank back i
n the chair. His eyes roamed over me. He was looking at me the way he always did, in that soul searching way that made me feel bare. His gaze travelled from my face to my belly, and I realized that I was holding it.
“You should have told me, Lisa. You shouldn’t have just run away like that. If Alan hadn’t called me, I’d have never found out that I was going to have a kid,” he said.
Surprisingly, he wasn’t angry with me. The man who was capable of intimidating anybody, was looking longingly at me.
I stared down at my hands because I couldn’t look at him anymore.
“He shouldn’t have told you,” I murmured.
“I’m glad he did,” Julian snapped.
“How did you find me here? I didn’t tell Daddy where I was staying,” I replied. Julian shifted in his chair. “And don’t tell me you have your ways!” I snapped.
I dared to look up at him and he was grinning at me.
“I spent the day looking for you. I went to hotels and B&Bs around the city center and finally found you here. It was worth it.”
I couldn’t believe he had actually done that.
“You’re crazy,” I murmured and his grin grew wider.
“Lisa, I’m mad at you for not telling me, but I also understand. Your father told me things which has made everything clear to me,” he continued.
“Why were you two talking?”
“He called me to the hospital, clearly he was worried about you,” Julian replied.
“What did he tell you?”
“He said he loved your mother and when she died, he missed her and in turn ignored you and everything else. He regrets it, Lisa. He knows he’s messed up. He told me about the baby because he doesn’t want his grandchild to suffer through the childhood you had. With an absentee father,” Julian related.
I still couldn’t believe that Daddy had told him all that. It sounded so unlike him… but how else would Julian know about my mom?
