Void

by Cassy Roop

  “Fuck. I have three early patients this morning. But I’d much rather stay here with you all day.”

  My heart swelled to the point of bursting. I still couldn’t believe how easily he could give me that warm and fuzzy feeling, even if it were only from his words.

  “It’s okay. I need to get downtown to meet up with Lexie anyways. I haven’t talked to her in a few days and if I don’t make an appearance, she may send Big Joe out looking for me.”

  He arched a questioning brow in my direction.

  “Big Joe is her husband/bouncer/protector dude. He is the cavalry that is sent in when clients aren’t behaving themselves.”

  Andris grew suddenly still next to me, very much so that I feared he had stopped breathing. I propped myself up on my arm and held my head in my hands so that I could look at him.

  “You aren’t going back to work are you? Technically, you are still under the contract with Link for three more weeks.”

  “I know, but I need to have a talk with Lexie about after the contract.”

  He sat up quickly, a look of disdain on his face. His hand came up to rub at the shadow of hair that had formed over his face throughout the night. I wanted to reach up and caress it with my hands, to feel the roughness beneath my palms.

  “Nicola, I know this is all new to us, but I am not comfortable with…” He trailed off, looking out of the window where the snow had formed on the windowsill. The sun reflected off the white fluff, making it seem brighter than it actually was outside.

  “You aren’t comfortable with what?” I prodded, eager to know what he was going to say.

  “I’m not comfortable with your profession, alright? I know I sound like a douche, but I don’t want you to go back to work after the contract,” he stated, his voice raising an octave.

  “You’re right, you do sound like a douche. It’s my job, Andris. You can’t expect me to just quit. I have to have the means to live. I have a condo to pay for, food to buy. Just because we are in a…”

  “Relationship. It’s okay, Nicola. You can say it.”

  There was almost a bitterness in his tone that I was unaccustomed to hearing. It made me coil back into myself. Why was he acting like this? Was he regretting what happened between us last night?

  “I’m not afraid to say it, Andris. I’m also not afraid to tell you that you have no control over my choice of profession. It’s all I know. It’s all I’ve done. But if you would have given me the opportunity, I would have told you that I was going to Lexie to tell her I needed to cut back.”

  He slammed his fist down on the bed and I could hear the mattress springs scream out in protest from the force.

  “Dammit. You don’t get it. I don’t want you to cut back. I want you to quit. I won’t have my girlfriend—”

  “Whoring around? Is that what you were going to say?” I grabbed the sheet to cover my naked flesh. I felt dirty. Cheap. For the first time since I became a prostitute, I felt disgusting. I regretted what I had chosen to do. I’ve never felt like that before, and I wasn’t liking it.

  “That isn’t what I was going to say.”

  “Yes, it was.”

  “Nicola, I don’t want to argue with you. I was just expressing my feelings about the matter. You really think I would like the idea of you being with another man? Do you really think I could just sit back while another man puts his dick inside of you?”

  “You don’t seem to have a problem watching Link do it.”

  “That was a low blow.”

  “Why? Why is it any different? You sit back and watch him fuck me. Hell, you guide my damn movements!”

  I clutched at the fabric of the sheets to keep from pummeling him. His hypocritical feelings were starting to make me angry. Something that was also new to me, and I did not like it either.

  “Link is an arrangement made prior to our relationship. Besides, it is just different with him. He is my friend.”

  “Oh, so it is okay for me to sleep with your friends, just not any perspective clients that would provide an income for me, is that it? What, you want to be my pimp now?”

  “Don’t be fucking ridiculous. You used sex in the past in order to feel something. Well, now that you do, you don’t need that anymore, Nicola. You don’t have to look or turn to perfect strangers in order to feel pleasure. I can give that to you.”

  “And Link.”

  “Yes, and Link. But that is only temporary.”

  He reached over and grabbed my hands, causing me to release the sheet I was clutching to my chest. Circling his thumbs, he massaged the top side of my hands as he sighed heavily.

  “Look. I’m trying to tell you that I want you to be mine. Only mine. Link included. It is just complicated where he is concerned. He is a friend. Someone who has helped me through some really bad shit in my life and I feel like he is a part of me. But I also know that I cannot let him have you forever. After the three weeks are over, that is it. No more contract. No more sharing you. Please tell me you want that, too.”

  I looked at him, my eyes glistening as I tried to get up the courage to tell him that I wanted only him. Truth is though, it would be a lie. I had a strong connection with Link. It may only be physical, but it was a connection and one that I wasn’t yet prepared to break. I didn’t know if it was due to the fact that I was terrified to fall any deeper for Andris out of fear that he could break me. Not once in my life have I ever been gentle or soft. I’ve always had a hard exterior that shelled an even harder interior.

  “I want that too, Andris…”

  “I’m sensing a ‘but’ at the end of that statement.”

  “But…I also have feelings for Link.”

  He didn’t say anything, and even though the sun was shining in through the window, I felt the whole room cloud in darkness. It looked like a thousand different emotions crossed his face, half of them I still didn’t understand, but a vast majority of them, I did.

  “I’m sorry. I wanted you to know the truth.”

  He released my hands, reaching up to scrub his face with both palms, frustration clearly written in his features.

  “You can’t tell me that you didn’t know.”

  He blew out a rush of breath, wiping his lips with the pad of his thumb.

  “Of course I knew. I just thought that maybe I was…”

  He stopped and turned to face away from me. I reached up and placed my hand on the smooth skin between his shoulder blades. I felt the tension in his muscles and felt the anxiety in his posture. Soothingly, I rubbed his back, trying to offer some sort of comfort in place of what was obviously affecting him deeply.

  “You thought what?” I asked, leaning in and placing a kiss on his shoulder. A soft shiver raced through his body and could be felt through my lips.

  “It was nothing. Forget about it.”

  He rose from the bed and left the bedroom before I even had the chance to protest the way he dodged my questions. He returned a few moments later with a toothbrush hanging from his mouth and made his way over to a dresser staged in the corner of the room.

  “I’ll take you to your agency on my way to the clinic. It snowed quite a bit last night, so I would feel more comfortable driving you instead of you taking a cab,” he said, his words half mumbled due to the toothbrush in his mouth.

  “So that’s it, huh? You really aren’t going to tell me what you were going to say?” I half pouted as I began to rise off the bed. My legs felt weak from the lovemaking we did, not only the first time, but again when he woke me in the middle of the night for round two.

  “There’s nothing to talk about. Get dressed. We need to leave in a few minutes.”

  He walked back out of the bedroom and the next thing I heard was the water running from a shower. A big part of me wanted to stay naked and go in and join him, to offer him comfort because he was obviously upset about something. But the other part of me was pissed that he was dismissing me so easily.

  I marched down the hallway and found my dress, sl
ipping it back onto my body before sinking down onto the couch. Showing up at Lexie’s office in the same clothes I had on from the night before wouldn’t be a shock to anyone. In fact, it was rather common among all the girls.

  I sat there silently, trying to go over in my mind how the atmosphere between Andris and I went from scorching last night to frigid this morning. I felt a little guilty about confessing my feelings for Link, but I wanted to be honest with him. Several weeks ago, I wouldn’t have cared whether or not my confession hurt someone. That was the benefit of my non-existent emotions, but now that Andris and Link have triggered a switch in me, it was hard to be dismissive of what Andris had to be feeling. It also made me wonder if Link would have a similar reaction. Andris had said that Link was only about the sex, but a part of me hope that wasn’t true. I hated comparing my feelings for both of them, when one was physically and metaphorically invisible to me, while the other was present in true form. One was willing to give himself to me completely, while one hid behind the mask of my blindfold.

  Andris emerged from the bathroom dressed in another one of his well-tailored suits. It was stupid of me to be jealous over something as frivolous as clothing, but I was. I wanted to replace each piece of fabric on his body with my hands, or my tongue, or both.

  “Are you ready to go?” He asked as he shoved some files into his briefcase on the bar that connected to his kitchen. I nodded my head and stood, reaching down to retrieve my purse from the floor. I noticed the blinking light of my cell phone flashing angrily from inside, but ignored it. No one really called me anyway, except Lexie, and I was on my way to see her anyway, so I could save myself time by waiting to talk to her until I got to the flower shop.

  When I looked up, Andris was standing before me. I breathed in the masculine scent of his cologne, getting lost in the smell of his deep, woodsy scent. It was like an aphrodisiac that made the bones in my body feel like rubber, and I wanted to fall at his feet and beg him to take me over and over again.

  I placed the strap of my bag on my shoulder and met his gaze. His eyes revealed so many things that he would or couldn’t say with his words. We stood there, neither one of us flinching or moving as our eyes never left the other. Heat sizzled between us like a flame gaining vital oxygen. I could feel a buzzing in my finger tips and toes, and the sensation was nearly a direct replica of the buzzing of my clit. Not only did I want him, but my body did as well, gaining a mind all on its own.

  He threw the briefcase down on the couch and took a step closer to close the space between us. My breathing increased, never tiring of the way he made me feel alive when he was near. Reaching for both of my hands, he cupped them in his own, drawing me closer to him to where my hands splayed on the chest of his dark blue sports coat. I reached for the silky silver tie that was around his neck and played with the fabric between my fingers.

  “I’m sorry I got so angry earlier. It just really makes me mad to think about you continuing to be an escort. I don’t like it, Nicola. Not one fucking bit. But I’m also not going to be the asshole boyfriend who starts making demands and telling you what you can and cannot do.”

  He looked defeated, having probably practiced the same exact speech to me while he was in the shower. I had so many questions swirling in my own mind while he was in there as well.

  “I understand, Andris. I’m going to talk to Lexie. I don’t know what I am going to do for an income, but if it means that much to you, I’ll quit. Although, you know that I have to fulfill the terms of the contract with Link?”

  “Yes, I’m aware.”

  He reached up, smoothing a strand of errant hair away from my face by tucking it behind my ear. His touch was gentle. It said I want to cherish you, but his eyes said something more along the lines of I want to bend you over this couch and fuck you seven ways to Sunday.

  “If you don’t stop looking at me like that, I’m going to be dreadfully late for work. How would it look if the boss came in late because he was too busy indulging himself with the beautiful body of his girlfriend?”

  “I’d say his girlfriend was a lucky girl,” I smiled. He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine as his hand came to cup my jaw. He still tasted like minty toothpaste, and I grew painfully aware of the fact that I hadn’t brushed my own teeth yet. It didn’t matter, though. When Andris kissed me like this, no other thoughts were in my head, other than him. My head was clear of thoughts about Link, Lexie and my job, or even of the shitstorm I was going to create when I had to fulfill my obligations to Antonio Cardinelli. Instead, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders to deepen the kiss as my heart swelled even more in my chest.

  I never wanted this feeling to end. I was a woman, albeit a grown one, who felt like a giddy teenager. I’ve never been in love, or really felt love toward anyone in my life, but with Andris, I was on a road heading on a collision course straight for it.

  I rode in the middle of the truck, just as I did the night before, only this time, I snuggled into his side. Sure, I was cold from my brief encounter outside before we climbed into the massive beast on wheels, but I wanted to be close to him to warm not only by body, but my soul. It was a heat that only he was able to provide me, and I planned on absorbing as much of it as I could on our drive to Lexie’s office as I could.

  He kissed me goodbye with the promise of calling me as soon as his last patient left the clinic. As I walked through the flower shop and said hi to the employees out front, my phone vibrated from inside my purse. Reaching in and pulling it out, I was only able to read the name of the person sending the text message before it died and the screen went blank.

  Antonio Cardinelli.

  “HE TOLD ME HE WOULDN’T cheat on me. I believed him. Just like I believed all the others. Just like I believed my father wouldn’t lie to me.”

  I tried as hard as I could to focus on my patient in front of me. She was a gorgeous young girl with golden blonde hair, that wasn’t quite as blonde as Nicola’s. Her eyes were almost too large, and weren’t the same vibrant blue as Nicola’s.

  It didn’t matter what the fuck I did to try and concentrate on her, the one woman who invaded nearly every vacant space of my mind wouldn’t go away. I found myself smiling throughout the day when I thought about how we spent last night, although I frowned when I thought about the morning. I knew that I shouldn’t have let my father’s desperate attempt to affect me from the grave alter the events of my life, but he was. These last few months have found me turning to Link more than ever, and now that I had Nicola, I both wanted him here and wanted him gone.

  “You have issues of trust with men, Gabrielle. That is understandable considering the circumstances you have been in. Have you thought about why it is that you keep choosing the same kind of man? Have you considered maybe attempting to look for someone that you never would have thought you would be with?” I said to my patient to fill the silence that had developed between her and me. I needed to get my shit straight because my father’s inflicted insecurities were now trying to seep their way not only into my personal life, but my work as well.

  I helped people. I reached into parts of their psyche to help them break through walls and to develop into an individual capable of letting go of their fears to be able to function normally in society.

  Too bad I couldn’t do that for myself.

  “I’ve never thought about it like that,” she stated as she contemplated what I had just said.

  Reaching into my drawer, I pulled out another leather notebook and handed it to her. She accepted it, turning the leather binding over and over in her hand.

  “Your homework for our next session, Gabrielle, is to write down a list of qualities you feel are important in a mate. Not what you find attractive, but what you feel would help match what you are. Then bring it back with you next week.”

  She shoved the journal into her bag and shook my hand before retreating from my office to probably go and find her next unsuitable male. I rested my head in my hands to take a moment to breath
e. Two more patients to go and I would be done for the day, but my next patient wasn’t slated until another hour and a half from now, so I had a little time to kill.

  I looked up when there was a knock on the door. Bradley, one of the other doctors in the practice, stood staring at me from the doorway. His arms folded gently across his chest as he leaned against the doorjamb.

  “Rough day, Andris?”

  “You could say that,” I said with a slight chuckle.

  Bradley was older than me by several years. He wasn’t as old as my uncle, but not young enough to be classified as my generation. He was also a damn good psychiatrist and the only person at the practice who knew about my issues.

  “Feel like talking about it?”

  I nodded and he entered the office and shut the door before coming to sit in one of the chairs in front of my desk. Throughout the years that I had worked at the clinic, Bradley always tried to reach out to me whenever he saw how hard I would strive for excellence. He saw past the hard exterior I tried to let the world see, to recognize the boy inside of me that was still affected by the wrath and hatred of the one man in my life, who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

  Crossing his legs, he relaxed back in the chair. He was a tall man, towering over me by a few inches. His build was slim, which made him appear even taller. Salt and pepper speckled his hair, showing the signs of his age, but his smile was still that of a vibrant eighteen year old boy. For some strange reason, I always felt that I could confide in him, almost looking up to him the way I never did my father.

  “How are you handling taking over the clinic, Andris?” Bradley asked me as he gave me his full attention.

  “Well, the day to day stuff is completely manageable, it’s the other stuff he left behind that is a pain in the ass.”

  “You mean the Cardinelli situation?”

  My eyes snapped up to meet his and I saw understanding through his grey irises.

  “You know about that?”

  He nodded as he let out a frustrated breath.