But he shook his head. “I’ll probably be asleep before you’re out of the shower.”
Tori doubted that. She rose from the sofa, longing to go to him, give him a hug, touch him. But she could see he didn’t want that.
“I’ll get you up around six.”
The pain in Jake’s eyes tightened her throat as she left him and went to the bedroom to make her call.
Chapter Thirteen
As the weekend progressed, Tori felt Jake distancing himself from her. It was subtle. He was as solicitous as ever, as protective. But he was careful not to touch her. Their conversations were surface and casual—about the scenery, about the cliff dwellings, about backpacking in the wilderness. They didn’t talk about Barbara and Andy, or what had happened in Albuquerque, or what wasn’t happening between them.
By Saturday evening, they sat in the casita together playing chess and listening to a classical-guitar CD they’d found in a small player on the bookshelves. The physical exertion of the day had caught up with Tori and she turned in around ten, while Jake slept on the sofa again. When she awakened at dawn, she found Jake already dressed and a dusting of snow on the ground.
While Tori fixed breakfast, Jake split firewood to replenish the supply they’d used. Afterward, they went for a long hike, mostly in silence. The sun shone brightly on burnished cliffs reaching into white clouds and melting the snow. Tori tried to drink in the azure sky, tried to calm the anxiety in her heart. But each footstep ticked away the minutes until she would know Barbara’s decision. Jake seemed lost in his thoughts, too, and she wished she could read his mind.
They started back to Santa Fe after lunch. It didn’t take long to pack up everything they’d brought and make sure they’d left the casita the way they’d found it.
During the drive home, Jake asked, “What are you going to do if this adoption falls through?”
“I’m not ready to face the possibility of that yet, Jake.”
“You can’t tell me you haven’t been preparing yourself this weekend.”
“I’ve been praying more than preparing, hoping more than despairing. I love Andy.”
“Sometimes prayers and love aren’t enough.”
“I’m not in denial. I do know that. It’s just…” Her voice caught and she couldn’t find the words to describe what she’d feel if she lost Andy.
For the first time since they’d made love, Jake reached out and covered her hand. “I didn’t mean to upset you more, but I’m worried about how you’re going to cope if Barbara decides to keep him.”
His hand felt so good on hers. Sharing her thoughts with Jake was as natural as breathing. “I’ve heard about children who are available for adoption in Guatemala. That would be an option. I’ve also thought about adopting an older child who needs a home. I’m going to be a mother, Jake, one way or another.”
He took his eyes from the road for a couple of seconds to focus on her, and she saw respect there. Seconds later, he released her hand and she keenly felt the loss.
After a short while, Jake pulled up in front of Tori’s house and said in a low murmur, “What have we here?”
Tori had been lost in thought, not looking out the window. Now she gasped as she saw Barbara sitting on her porch steps holding Andy. The baby was dressed in the jacket and hat Tori had bought him with a blanket also wrapped around him. He was crying and Barbara looked upset.
“She wasn’t supposed to bring him back until tonight!”
“Maybe she needs your help.”
Tori climbed hurriedly out of Jake’s truck and ran to her front porch. “What’s wrong, Barbara? Are you and Andy okay?”
Barbara couldn’t seem to wait to shove Andy into Tori’s arms. “I can’t do this. It’s been a disaster. I can’t take care of a baby. I thought they were supposed to sleep all the time. I can’t figure out what he wants when he’s crying.”
Tori gathered Andy close, and soon his cries became tiny hiccups as she patted his back. “Barbara, it’s not easy. If you’d have called me, I would have come over.”
“Don’t you understand? I didn’t want you to come over. If I can’t do it alone, I can’t do it at all.”
Tori knew she was digging her own grave, but she had to give this teenager a chance to be a mother. “Everyone needs help.”
“You don’t. Look at him. He wasn’t like that for me all weekend. Besides that, I don’t like taking care of him. I don’t want to take care of him.”
Swaying with the baby, Tori asked, “Then what was this weekend all about?”
Jake had come up beside her now, and he was listening, too.
“I felt I should try and do it. You know, see if it was the right thing? I didn’t seem to fit in with my friends anymore, so I thought maybe I should be a mother.”
All Tori wanted to do was take Andy inside, hold him to her breast and forget Barbara had ever existed. But she had to do the right thing. She had to do what was best for Andy.
Her heart hurt as she asked, “Do you want to learn how to be a mother?”
Barbara’s answer was quick, and came with an emphatic shake of her head. “No. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to be a mother—changing diapers, filling bottles, doing laundry. I don’t know how women do it. I want to be a doctor and save people’s lives, not rock a baby to sleep.”
“You have to be sure,” Tori insisted. “Once you sign those papers, you’re giving up your parental rights for good.”
“My lawyer has explained that over and over, and I know it. After this weekend, I’m sure it’s the right thing to do. It’s the right thing for Andy.” Her eyes held a shimmer of tears now, yet Tori knew that Barbara was putting her son first.
The teenager took a last look at Jake and Tori and the baby. “I have to get home and get the place cleaned up before Mom gets back.”
But Tori couldn’t just let this girl go, this girl who had given her a gift that was so precious. No thanks would ever be enough. “If you ever want to know how Andy’s doing, if you ever want to see him, just call me.”
Barbara nodded and then headed for her car. Tori picked up the diaper bag and carried Andy inside.
The scene on the porch had twisted Jake’s gut. Both women were putting the baby first. Barbara had a lot of growing up to do. And Tori… He’d just seen her courage and selflessness as she’d dealt with Barbara. They had to have a talk before he left.
A short while later, Andy fell asleep in Tori’s arms. Jake could tell how much she’d missed him and simply didn’t want to let him go. But as if she understood that was part of mothering, too, she finally laid him back in his crib. Jake waited for her in the living room.
When she entered the room, she seemed to brace herself. She’d obviously sensed Jake had something to say.
“You’re an amazing woman.”
She stood, facing him, her gaze unwavering. “But?”
“No buts. You’re going to be a wonderful mother. Your life will revolve around your son. And you need a man who can give you more than a few nights of great sex.”
“We had more than great sex, Jake. You just don’t want to admit it.”
Making love with her on Friday night had unnerved him. He’d never before felt such soul-stirring passion, such deep need, such an overwhelming desire to keep her with him always. But he had a life to settle first.
“We have chemistry, Tori. But you want more than that, and I can’t give it.”
Shoving her hands into her jeans pockets, she shook her head. “I don’t think you’re the type of man who responds to simply chemistry. You have more to give than any man I know. But I won’t try to hold you in a relationship you don’t want. I need more than a man who’s in and out of my life and Andy’s. He needs permanence and stability and a role model who’s always around. He needs a man he can count on.”
Each of her words was like a lance in Jake’s heart, because he knew she was right. Nevertheless, until he confronted his demons and dumped the guilt, he wasn’t righ
t for her. He’d never believed in marriage. But he knew Tori needed the commitment of it in order to give her trust completely. She had to know that a man wouldn’t leave her again.
“I think we’d better say goodbye,” he said.
There were tears in her eyes now, but she didn’t argue with him. “If I happen to run into you, are we just supposed to ignore each other?”
“Of course not,” he said gently. “We’ll smile and make small talk and go our separate ways. I won’t be around that much longer. I’ve decided to move to Colorado. So in a few weeks, running into me won’t be a problem.”
“Then I guess there’s nothing else to say.”
He wanted that last kiss, that last look into her eyes that would stay with him for a lifetime. He wanted to run his hands over her skin, tease sighs from her and give her everything she needed. But he couldn’t, and that was why he was going to leave.
Leaving Tori standing in her living room with her baby sleeping in the room beyond was the hardest thing he’d ever done.
As Jake stood in Nina’s kitchen on Sunday afternoon two weeks later, Charlie sat on the living-room floor helping Ricky adjust the fire engine’s ladder to the edge of the sofa. Then he assured Ryan he could dump his load of marbles into the magazine holder.
“They love the presents you gave them.” Nina set a carton of milk in the refrigerator.
“I’m glad.”
“This afternoon Ricky asked me if Tori was coming to have ice cream and cake with us. I told him I called her, but she was busy today—that’s why she sent their presents over yesterday. Was she really busy, Jake? Or was that just an excuse not to be here with you?”
His heart pumped harder at the thought of Tori. “If she said she was busy today, then she was busy.” After a short pause he asked, “Do you know if everything went smoothly with Barbara signing the final papers?”
“You haven’t talked to Tori?”
“We’ve gone our separate ways.”
Nina tapped a helium balloon floating up from one chair with a bit of force. “You’re so exasperating. If you want to know how the adoption went, call and ask her.”
“I told you—”
“I know what you told me. Just like you were wrong about Charlie, you’re wrong about this.”
Pride made him defend his attitude about Charlie. “I was concerned you were jumping into a relationship too fast.”
“And I’m concerned you’re never going to jump into a relationship again. You saw Mama’s unhappiness and Dad’s bad temper and blamed it on marriage. But marriage is all about the two people who make the vows. Mama and Dad were wrong for each other. Frank and I were wrong for each other. But Charlie is right for me. And I think Tori is right for you.”
Jake missed Tori. Her absence in his life was a physical ache that wouldn’t go away. But he’d done the best thing for her. “Did Barbara sign the final papers?” he asked again.
Brushing her hair over her shoulder, Nina studied him. “Yes, she did. Tori is Andy’s mother. It will be completely official in a few months.”
He could only imagine Tori’s happiness. The thought that he couldn’t see it gnawed at him.
Needing to plug the hole in his heart, he joined Charlie and the boys and his mother in the living room, remembering something else he’d brought along for Ricky and Ryan. Taking out his wallet, he slipped two silver dollars from the billfold where he’d put them for safekeeping. Now he offered one to each of the boys.
“Wow!” Ricky exclaimed. “It’s a big quarter.”
Jake laughed. “Not exactly. It’s worth the same as a dollar bill.” He pulled one of those from his wallet to show them. “It’s just more special. That’s what I want you to think about. Before you spend it, you have to decide if you want to give up the special silver dollar for something really important, or if you’d rather just keep it.”
“What’s something really important?” Ryan asked.
“You’ll know when you want to give up the silver dollar to get it.”
“Neat!” Ricky exclaimed. “I’m gonna put mine in my piggy bank so I don’t lose it.”
“That’s a good idea,” Rita Galeno agreed. “Ryan, where are you going to put yours?”
“In our underwear drawer. Nobody’d ever look there. It’ll be safe.” He ran off to make sure it was.
“I thought giving them the hand-held electronic games would be special for their sixth birthday. But your silver-dollar idea is even better,” Charlie said.
“They’ll forget the silver dollars and have a ball with the game. You’re good for them, Charlie.”
The other man studied Jake to see if he was sincere. Seeing that he was, Charlie admitted, “I want to be their dad eventually. Think you can live with that?”
“I think it’s exactly what they and Nina need.”
Silence filled the room until Charlie said, “They’re going to miss you if you leave.”
Jake was still holding his wallet. Now, as he started to fold it, the chain from Marion’s St. Jude medal slipped out. Tucking it back in, he suddenly realized exactly what he needed to do before he left Santa Fe. “You’ll fill the gap.”
His mother rose from her chair. “I’m going to make sure those two hooligans aren’t getting into mischief.” She looked at Jake. “Are you going to stick around to watch the video I gave them?”
“No. There’s something I have to do.” Slipping Marion’s medal out of his wallet, he held it in his palm, closed his fingers around it and followed his mother into the boys’ room to say goodbye.
Half an hour later he’d found the address he was looking for. Marion’s mother, a widow, lived near the toy store where he and Tori had gone shopping. The tan-colored adobe looked like a box. It was smaller even than Tori’s house. The property was well maintained.
There was a car in the gravel driveway. But when Jake knocked on the door, no one answered. Going around back, he found Mrs. Montgomery sweeping off her patio. When she saw him, the broom stilled in her hand and the afternoon shadows seemed to grow longer.
Finally she asked, “What are you doing here?”
“I want to give you something that was Marion’s.”
Her eyes went wide. “What could you possibly have of hers?”
“We were friends, Mrs. Montgomery. In a different time and a different place, we might have been more. With the nature of the work we were involved in, there couldn’t be more.” He opened his hand and let the necklace dangle. “Marion told me she bought this and had her priest bless it before she entered the academy. It’s St. Jude, the patron saint of desperate causes. She thought she’d need that as a cop.”
“How did you get it? You weren’t there when she died.”
“No, I wasn’t there. But the week before I had to talk down a jumper from a ledge on Sandia Peak. Marion was there that day, and before I went out on the ledge with him, she gave me this.”
Mrs. Montgomery’s eyes filled with tears. “You must have been very important to her.”
She took another good look at Jake and then propped her broom against the wall of the house. When she returned to the edge of the patio, she took the necklace from him, fingering it gently, letting her tears fall. “I’ve been wrong to blame you.”
“No, you haven’t been. I sent her in.”
“That was the work she chose, Mr. Galeno. I imagine Marion was chomping at the bit to handle that situation. And pleased that you had enough confidence in her to let her do it.”
“She wasn’t ready.”
“She would never have been ready for a man with a gun who pointed it at her and shot. It could have happened next year or five years from now. I’ve known that all along. When I saw you in that toy store with your basket full of toys, the sadness on your face when I mentioned Marion’s name, I knew you were a decent man who cared about my daughter. I knew you didn’t put her life in danger callously, with no regard for her. She and I had many arguments about this work she wanted to do.
And maybe that was part of it, too. I felt guilty for not supporting her enough. I suppose we both have to forgive ourselves, don’t we.”
Not waiting for his answer, she looked down at Marion’s medal in her hand. “I know my daughter would forgive whatever we thought we did. That was the way she was.”
Jake suddenly felt incredible relief that he had found his way here, incredible relief at hearing Marion’s mother’s words.
Managing a weak smile, Mrs. Montgomery asked, “How would you like to come in for a cup of coffee? I can show you pictures of Marion when she was a little girl.”
Jake joined Mrs. Montgomery on the patio. “I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”
“We miss Jake, don’t we?” Tori asked Andy as she sat him in his bouncy seat in his crib on Monday morning. She was overjoyed that she was now Andy’s mom. But Jake’s leaving had pushed her into a sadness she couldn’t shake.
“If only he knew how much I love him,” she said to her son.
Andy’s little hands flailed as if in reaction to her words.
“I should have told him. Maybe it would have made a difference.” But then she remembered the anguish on Jake’s face as he’d told her about Marion, as well as his determination when he’d walked out her door. Why did she think a declaration of love would get through to him if nothing else had?
When her phone rang, she switched on the music box on Andy’s mobile and hurried to the bedroom to get it. She carried the cordless phone back into the baby’s room.
“Tori, it’s Loretta. I’ve picked up some kind of flu bug and I can’t go in today. I’m so sorry. I tried to call Mary Beth, but no one’s answering.”
Tori had intended to stay home today, then spend the afternoon and evening tomorrow at the gallery for Renée’s show. All the details were finalized. Everything was ready. Mary Beth wasn’t scheduled to work today, and Loretta had told her she’d take care of the whole day. Now it looked as if plans were going to change.
“That’s okay. I’ve already given Andy his bath and fed him. I just have to get dressed. I’ll be able to open the gallery on time.”
Their Baby Bond Page 18
