by Samie Sands
I watch as she sighs and forces her eyes to snap open. “Why can’t you just leave that thing alone? It’s been ages now and you haven’t managed to get through to anyone. When will you accept that there’s no point? Whoever wrote that note is gone, and if I’m going to be brutally honest, the voice you heard probably belongs to a dead person too.”
“How can you say that? How can you just give up…?” I’m about to start in a rant, but it seems Karen isn’t in the mood to hear it.
“Because we have a good thing going here. We’re lucky enough to both still be alive, to have each other, to now have Tiger. We have a home to call our own in this nightmare, food that we can scavenge from all the homes around us. Yes, I know that won’t last forever, but for now, it’s a good thing. I wish you’d just see that.”
Her expression really does show true satisfaction with the life we currently have, which worries me intensely. Why can’t I feel that way? Everything she’s saying is right, I know it, yet I just can’t let it go. I can’t give up the radio, it’s my one link to hope, to a future. I guess it’s just hard for me to accept that there isn’t anything else.
Not that I can tell Karen that.
“Yeah, you’re right.” I drop the radio on the side and turn my back on it. But I can still feel it there, burning a hole into my back. “Sorry, Karen, I know I’ve been a jerk.”
“No, it isn’t that at all. I’m just worried about you.” Karen spins until she’s staring into my eyes. As we look at one another I feel like there’s a giant chasm between us that wasn’t there before. Our opinions on how to survive this are just so different, and that’s utterly horrifying.
I can’t allow it to tear us apart though, I won’t have that. One way or another, I need to keep my little family together. If I’m the problem, then I’ll change. I can do that, for Karen.
“You’re obsessed with finding other people,” she continues, driving the point home. “Which I get, but darling I don’t think there’s anyone else out there. Maybe…maybe when things have calmed down it’ll be easier, but for now, I really think that we need to be happy just being us.”
Just be happy…how hard can that be?
“Sure, yeah, I’ll get rid of the radio tomorrow morning. I do need to just focus on us for the time being. Me, you, and Tiger.”
Karen kisses the end of my nose lightly, trying to sooth the pain that I’m feeling inside. “We have a little family here, this won’t be so bad. It has to be better than searching for someone along the way and risking death with it. Every moment you’re outside is dangerous, so the shorter the journeys you have to make the better. Me and you, we just need to outlive this.”
Outlive this…get rid of the radio…enjoy this.
“I will,” I promise Karen, gently stroking her cheek, fully meaning my words. “I’ll give up, you’re right. It’s a waste of time. No one is out there, it’s just us.”
“That isn’t so bad, is it?”
“No, of course not. We’re the lucky ones.”
I just wish my emotions could match my words, I don’t know why they don’t. I’m not sure why I can’t be happy with what I have. This is good, so why can’t I give up the radio? Why have I become so obsessed?
“I’ll toss it out tomorrow.”
I will, I know I will. For Karen, for my sanity. I have to, it’s the only thing that makes sense.
I will.
***
The radio becomes my mistress. I don’t mean for it to happen, but I just can’t let it go. Every single time Karen leaves the room I switch it on and during the time it’s off I can’t stop shaking. It’s like an addiction I can’t curb. I know if I’m found out it’ll cause me issues, I’m aware that I might lose Karen and Tiger—not to mention the nice little comfortable life that I have here—but still, I cannot stop.
I don’t get anything. I’m not even sure if I expect to anymore. I’m even starting to doubt that I heard anyone in the first place. What if it was all in my head and I’m following a pipe dream that won’t even lead anywhere?
“What do you want to eat?” Karen’s voice shakes me from a daze. My eyes are fixed on the drawer where the radio is as if it’s the damn key to everything. “Charles, are you hungry? We got a good haul of canned goods the other day so we actually have a choice. I feel like we should take full advantage of that.”
“Erm, anything, whatever you want.”
Just leave the room, I have a feeling that today will be the day.
I can feel it in my gut.
“Beans? Hot dogs? You gotta give me something, Charles.” Karen laughs...well, I think that’s what she’s doing but the sound’s a little strangled. “And why do you keep tapping your foot? It’s driving me mad?”
I glance down as she stands up. I didn’t even realize I was doing that! “Oh, sorry, I don’t know. I guess I’m on edge today.”
“Why? Everything’s good now, isn’t it? What could possibly have to be stressed about?”
Am I imagining things or is there an accusation in her tone? She isn’t looking at me, she’s solely focused on Tiger who’s lapping up the attention.
“No, nothing, I’m okay.”
Just leave the room already!
I can practically hear the radio calling out to me. It’s humming, vibrating in the drawer, needing to be switched on. My whole body’s twitching under the pressure of it.
“You can talk to me, you know?” Karen’s voice is softer now. “I’m here if there’s anything that you want to discuss. I feel like you’ve been really closed off since we had our disagreement the other night. If you’re still concerned with finding others...”
“Just let it go, will you?” I bang my fist down on the table as a tight knot coils its way into my chest. “I’m fine, were fine, this is fine. Let’s just have beans.”
I barely say any words but there’s such force behind them that I break off panting. Karen shoots me the filthiest look she can manage and she stalks from the room, slamming the door behind her as she goes. I wince at the bang shudders through the house, hating myself for causing that reaction over nothing.
But still, I can’t stop myself.
I bounce up and I scurry across the room with my heart dancing in my chest. As I click the lock on the drawer and I slide it open, the knot loosens, a cold relaxing sensation floods my veins. I feel good.
Twist, static. Twist, static, Twist, static.
I want to yell in frustration, I want to scream as each twist brings with it another crushing blow. I don’t want to keep risking everything for a fruitless task, but one day has to be ‘the day’, right?
“What is that?”
Uh oh.
My heart falls to the floor as Karen’s rage burns brightly behind me. I can’t move, even to turn around to check on her expression. It’s as if I’ve frozen in time, just taking a moment before the biggest fight of my life kicks off.
“Is that what I think it is?”
How can I get out of this? What can I possibly say?
“What are you doing with that radio, Charles? I thought we talked about it. I thought you were going to leave it.”
There’s nothing for it, I’m going to have to be honest. Mind you, I’m not brave enough to look at her yet.
“I’m sorry, Karen, I know I told you that I’d let it go and I really did try.” Oops, I didn’t mean to start this on a lie. I intended to try, but I didn’t quite get that far. “But I can’t shake that voice from my mind. I can’t stop thinking that there’s someone out there who needs my help. I’m sorry, I know that might annoy you but I’m afraid of leaving someone out there who needs my help.”
Karen remains silent for far too long. I can’t resist for another second longer, I tentatively twist my head around and I can instantly see that I’ve hurt her deeply. That tastes like a bitter vinegar in my throat, I never wanted to create this mess with my addiction. I should’ve known that it would end this way.
“I can’t believe it, Cha
rles.” She pulls her hand through her hair. “I really thought that we were finally going to rest. We’ve fought, we’ve run, we’ve hid for far too long. This is our chance to relax.”
She takes her seat at the table and Tiger immediately jumps up onto her lap. Again I’m being given a glimpse of what my life could be, and again the dissatisfaction in there.
“I know. I’m sorry, Karen.” I hang my head in shame. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“You haven’t heard anyone for ages, I can’t see why you’re letting it take over your life.”
“I still might...”
“You won’t. You need to get it through your head that it isn’t going to happen.”
“But what if...”
The radio crackles, we both stare at it with wide, shocked eyes. My heart hammers, my chest expands, I can almost feel the confusion radiating off of my wife.
“...you...anyone there...?”
***
“You will come back to me, won’t you?” Karen’s eyes fill with tears, but she tries to disguise them by burying her head into Tiger’s fur. “You won’t leave me in this world alone forever, will you?”
I kiss her lightly on the end of her nose before giving her a big, bright smile. I feel good for the first time in a very long time, this is a mission that I’m excited to complete. I hate that I have to leave Karen behind to do it, but this feels like my purpose. Maybe I’ve always been the sort of person who needs a purpose in life, and this is it for now. The savior…or something. “I will come back, you don’t have to worry about that. Have I ever let you down before?”
“No, I suppose not.” She pouts out her lips. “I’m just worried. You haven’t been able to make much connection with this woman, you don’t really know where she is. I guess I’m just scared that you won’t come back.”
“I love you, Karen. You know that. I wouldn’t do this if I wasn’t certain.”
She puts Tiger down and wraps her arms around me for a moment. “I love you too, and I know you want to help people. I just don’t want to lose you, that’s all.”
“Keep the radio on. As soon as I find this woman I will let you know.”
“Don’t you need it?”
I hand it over willingly, feeling a weight lifting from my chest. The curse of the radio is gone, I really don’t feel like I need it anymore.
“You need it more than me. I will be back soon.”
As I step out into the road I feel positive, I just know that everything’s going to turn out okay. I can feel it in my gut, and my gut hasn’t let me down yet!
amsterdam
Felicia: It was cool to meet you in the food line today, thanks for giving me your pager deets!
Katie: I liked meeting you too, it’s nice to have a friendly face in this craziness. It can get a bit lonely sometimes. It’s a very big place when you’ve come in alone.
Felicia: Yeah, but I guess it’s better than when the infected ruled the country! I mean, I’d much rather be back home in the Netherlands than here, but I guess we don’t have any choice. Apparently, it’s still really bad there.
Katie: At least this is a very well-protected community here, it could be much worse. We don’t want for anything.
Felicia: I suppose...
Katie: You don’t like it?
Felicia: It just doesn’t feel right. I mean, it’s definitely better than the constant threat of danger, but something about it is off, you know?
Katie: No, I don’t. What do you mean? It seems okay to me.
Felicia: I don’t know, I can’t explain it. I just don’t like it. Maybe I’m being crazy, sorry I know that we don’t know each other that well yet. I probably should try and reel myself in a bit. I’ve never been very good at that.
Katie: No, please don’t see it like that. We don’t have a lot here, I want you to trust me and see me as a friend. We’ve both lost people, I’m sure. We all need to work together these days.
Felicia: I guess I’ve just seen some stuff that doesn’t add up. Like, I don’t think the people controlling this actually have our best interests at heart.
Katie: Really? I have to say I’m skeptical.
Felicia: Yeah? Okay, forget it.
Katie: Do you want to hang out? Maybe talk about it face-to-face?
Felicia: I’d love to, but I don’t think that’s a good plan. I don’t want to be overheard.
Katie: Are you really that paranoid? Don’t you think this communication could be monitored too? They gave us all these pagers to pass on information to us all quickly, so surely they can see what we’re saying through them? Wouldn’t it be easier to keep things a secret by talking?
Katie: Felicia...?
***
Felicia: Sorry, I know I should’ve replied right away, but I need to work out the right thing to do. I think this is better than meeting.
Katie: Okay, whatever you want.
Felicia: Well, I think we’re being kept here while something goes on outside these walls. I don’t think this is all for our safety. I have the real sense that we’re all being played.
Katie: What makes you think any of that? Weren’t we all brought together to protect us from what’s going on out there? Personally, I think I’d rather be in here than out there. Don’t you remember outside? It was awful!
Felicia: My boyfriend is in the military, I haven’t seen him since the day they brought us in here. I know they’ve told us that they’re out there protecting us, but what if they aren’t? I guess I can’t really explain it, I just have a feeling. What I really need is something solid to back up my claims.
Katie: You aren’t thinking about doing anything crazy, are you?
Felicia: The thing is, once I get an idea in my head I find it very hard to hold myself back. I guess being sensible has never been my forte...
Katie: If you really are worried that these people are dangerous, then you shouldn’t do anything rash. Isn’t there any way you can do this without getting yourself in any trouble?
Felicia: Sounds like you’re starting to come around to my way of thinking ;) Look, I know what you’re saying, but I don’t want to accept bad stuff happening around us when I think I can change it. It’s already been...what, like six months? Maybe even more. I’ve been trying to find something out without getting into trouble, and it hasn’t worked out so far. Maybe it’s time to do something rash.
Katie: Were you in the military too?
Felicia: Kinda the opposite actually, I’m in the beauty industry, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do this. I know Taekwondo, I’m tough.
Katie: Oh, I’m not denying that! I remember thinking how much you must work out when we first met.
Felicia: Usually people pick up on the tattoos...
Katie: Them too :)
Felicia: I know I don’t have the skills. But tenacity has to count for something.
Katie: I have no doubt that you have the tenacity, I’m just scared that if you’re right, you’ll end up getting punished, or something. I have to admit, you’ve freaked me out a little bit.
***
Katie: So, I have to ask, are you really thinking about doing something? I haven’t seen you around for a couple of days or heard from you either. I’m a little worried.
Felicia: For the first time in my life, I’m actually planning something. I’m not just diving in heavy-handed. That should tell you how serious I am about all of this. Or at least, it would if you knew me before.
Katie: Tell me about your life before.
Felicia: There’s no point. It’s over. This is now, and now needs sorting.
Katie: I miss it too, I miss my home, my family, my happy, comfortable life. I even miss the ease of communicating online with my friends. I know it’s hard to accept that this is now. I don’t like it either.
Felicia: I miss the simple things, like being able to dye my hair and wear makeup. Obviously, I do miss all the bigger stuff as well, I’d have to be inhuman not to! But I also miss my freedom, and some
times my brain fixates on the petty parts of that. I feel trapped here.
Katie: Do you think that might be why you’ve been fixating?
Felicia: No, absolutely not. I stand by my fears and soon you’ll see why. My instincts have never been wrong before, and I just know they aren’t now.
Katie: Okay, if you’re going to do anything, please let me know. I might not be much use, but I’d love to help you in any way you can.
Felicia: You would do that? Even though you don’t really know me?
Katie: One, I feel like I’m getting to know you, and two, if you’re right then it’s my duty to ensure that everyone here is looked after. And three, what else am I going to do? You have to admit it’s pretty boring here.
Felicia: I know, right? Aside from work, there’s nothing to do! It’s a wonder we haven’t had more people going nuts. I keep expecting a crazy outburst from someone, but no everyone just carries on doing exactly as they’ve been told.
Katie: I guess people just want to have a normal life, and this is as close as it’s going to get. After months out there with those horrendous beasts, this seems better. This seems a little bit like it was before.
Felicia: Not to me. I hate having my life controlled.
Katie: You know what...me too.
***
Felicia: Holy hell, we HAVE to meet.
Felicia: No, scratch that, we can’t meet. I know they have cameras everywhere. I might just message you instead.
Felicia: No, terrible plan. I’ll push a note through your door at some point. I’ll attach something to it so it doesn’t look suspicious. You live at number eighteen, don’t you?
Felicia: Katie, I NEED you right now?
Katie: Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I just woke up to all your messages. Yes, I live at number eighteen, what’s going on?
Felicia: Did you get it? Did you get the note? I posted it a moment ago.
Katie: No, there’s nothing here. Are you sure you got the right place?
Felicia: Oh God, this is bad. Yes, I definitely got the right place. They were watching me, I knew it. I shouldn’t have done it when I felt so freaked out. What should I do now...?
