“Desperate,” she repeated. “That’s a strange term to use.”
“It’s even worse than strange to experience; it’s damn uncomfortable.” He poured his own coffee and set the carafe on the table before resuming his seat. He leaned back in his chair and stretched his long legs out before him. “You’ve never been desperate, have you, Sara?”
She thought about it. “No, I guess I haven’t.” She had been deeply unhappy, even desolate, but had never known the sharp edge of desperation. “I didn’t think you’d ever be desperate about anything. You’ve always been very much in control.” Her lips tightened. “Of everything and everyone.”
He lifted his cup to his lips. “Control was important to me. It was the only way I could keep my world from shattering into a million pieces. I couldn’t let that happen.”
“You’re speaking in that past tense but you’re still trying to control me. What do you call stranding me on this island and not letting me leave?”
“The last hurrah?” He lifted his cup in a self-mocking toast. “Or perhaps a chance to save my sanity. What do you call it?”
“Arrogance.” She stood up. “I don’t want any coffee. I think I’ll go to bed. Tomorrow when Cam gets here I’m leaving the island. If he won’t take me back himself, I’m sure there’ll be a radio on the launch he’ll let me use. But I can’t believe he’ll really go along with you.”
“If he doesn’t, he won’t stay long, and you’ll be left with the wicked seducer. I’m sure you don’t want that to come to pass.”
“You appear to find this amusing. Well, I don’t.”
“Oh, not amusing. I’ve never been fond of black comedy.” He slowly rose to his feet. “But perhaps I do see a certain dry irony in the situation. You’ve always wanted to see me stripped of all my protective barriers, and now, when it doesn’t matter any longer, I can let you see me as I am. Don’t you find that a bit bizarre?”
“I’m afraid I don’t enjoy twisted humor.”
“I know you don’t. It’s too dark for you. I’m too dark for you. I always knew that.” He put his cup down in the saucer and smiled faintly. “But you didn’t. I think my darkness attracted you. You wanted to light up all my hidden corners. I was a challenge to you.”
“No,” she protested, shocked. “It wasn’t like that, I loved—I was infatuated with you.”
“Were you? Think about it. All your life people have loved you. You told me that until the very moment your parents died you had a wonderful relationship with them. You’ve always had good friends and you’re beautifully uncomplicated emotionally.” He paused and when he spoke again his voice had thickened. “Very beautifully. Then I appeared in your life and I was different. No one in her right mind would call me uncomplicated, and I couldn’t give you any of the nice tidy responses you were accustomed to receiving. I deluged you, drowned you with what I felt for you, but I also excited you. You were ready for something different and I gave it to you. You wanted a challenge and I gave that to you too. You might remember those things when you’re cursing me for making you into a victim.”
Was he right? Sara wondered uncertainly. She had always had a passion for probing beneath the surface and Jordan had presented her with a fascinating enigma. Had she instinctively responded to that challenge and gone after what she wanted with a ruthlessness as great as the one she had accused him of possessing? “Are you saying I used you?”
“Not intentionally.”
She nibbled worriedly at her lower lip. “You have to be wrong. I’ve never used anyone.”
He was silent, gazing at her steadily.
“I hate users.”
“Don’t fret, Sara.” Jordan’s tone was gentle. “I didn’t mind being used. I was willing to let you use me in any way you needed me. It was worth it to me.”
She shook her head, backing away from him. “But I’ve never—” She swallowed hard. “Jordan, I’m not a user.”
“We all use each other. The only crime is in using and not letting yourself be used in return. You always gave more than you took, Sara.”
But she hadn’t realized that she had been taking anything at all. Now she found herself wondering how much Jordan had feigned possessiveness to give her something “different.” He knew her so well that it was possible he had seen something in her character that had remained unknown to her until he had ripped aside the veil. “Why didn’t you say something to me before? Why did you take all the blame on yourself?”
“Because the fault was mine,” he said simply. “Just because your motives weren’t quite as idealistic as you thought doesn’t make you guilty. I did everything you accused me of doing and, once I figured out what drew you to me, I used that too.”
But she had been guilty, too, she was beginning to realize. She had been so absorbed in trying to unravel the puzzle that was Jordan Bandor that it was possible she had been blind to her own selfishness.
“Don’t worry about it,” Jordan said gently. “It’s all water under the bridge now. Go to bed and get some sleep.” He smiled crookedly. “I didn’t let you rest very much last night, did I?”
Sara could feel the color sting her cheeks as memories flooded back to her, piercing her confusion with hot arrows of sensuality. The firelight flickering over Jordan’s naked body as he moved within her. His face dark, intense, above her, drawn taut with a pleasure that was close to pain. She could feel her breasts swell beneath her oversize sweater as heat began to build within her. Her gaze unconsciously moved over him, taking in the strength, the sheer maleness of him. She abruptly realized what was happening to her and jerked her gaze away. Not again, she wouldn’t be caught again. How did she know this new facet Jordan was presenting to her wasn’t as false as the other ones? She turned away. “I’ll rest very well tonight. Good night, Jordan.”
“I hope you’re right.” He turned and started to stack the dishes on the table. “You can try anyway.”
“I’ll go to sleep right away,” she stated flatly. She left the kitchen and started down the hall.
But she didn’t go to sleep right away. It was almost dawn before she was able to bridle the emotions and possibilities Jordan had raised, so that she could drop into a troubled sleep.
“Sorry, luv, I can’t help you,” Cam said gently. “Not this time.”
“I don’t believe it.” Sara gazed from Cam to Jordan and then back again. “You’re actually going to help him? There are laws against things like this.”
“No crime has been committed,” Jordan said quietly. “You came here of your own free will with the intention of staying for some time. Just because you’ve changed your mind doesn’t obligate Cam or me to furnish you with the means to leave.”
She turned to Cam. “But I don’t want to stay—” She broke off. Cam’s expression was sympathetic but every bit as determined as Jordan’s. Her frustration and anger were escalating by the second “I thought you’d help me.”
Cam shrugged. “He’s my brother and he believes what he’s doing is right. He honestly wants what’s best for you, Sara.”
“My Lord, how chauvinistic can you get?” Her hands closed into fists at her sides. “I’m the one to decide what’s best for me.”
Neither man answered her.
Her anger flared to a new high. “Damn you,” she said through her teeth. “Damn you both.” She turned and ran from the room. She found herself dashing down the hall and then outside. Fog suddenly surrounded her and a cold, damp wind whipped her face as she ran up the rocky dirt path leading to the top of the hill.
“Sara!” It was Jordan’s voice behind her but she ignored it. “Sara, dammit, stop. You can’t make it to the launch before I—” He broke off but she heard the pounding of his steps on the stony path behind her.
The launch! She’d had no plan in mind when she ran out of the house. She’d just wanted to get away from Jordan and Cam before she did something violent. But if she could reach Cam’s launch … Even if the keys weren’t in the ignition, s
he could use the radio to call the mainland. A burst of adrenaline lent speed to her feet as she flew down the other side of the hill. She saw the sleek white launch anchored at the pier and her heart leapt with hope.
“Sara, don’t—”
The stones beneath the leather soles of her boots were slick and she slipped and then regained her balance and kept running. He was closer. She could hear the sound of his harsh, rough breathing behind her.
She had reached the shore and the stones were even slicker next to the water. She was going too fast to stop. She lost her footing and fell sidewise, struggling desperately to gain her balance.
Pain exploded in her temple. Blinding pain. Darkness came and went like the cold mists around her.
“Sara.” Jordan’s face above her was as agonized as his voice. “Oh, God, Sara. Don’t be hurt. Tell me you’re not hurt.”
Why was he saying something so idiotic when he could clearly see she was hurt! “My head.”
Jordan’s face was spinning, dissolving. How strange and magical. But he was a magician, she remembered dimly. He could transform himself at will, and weave spells that enthralled and beguiled. Beguiled. That biblical word again. Penny had said something about—
“Talk to me.” Jordan’s voice was urgent, frantic, as his hands ran over her arms and legs. “Where does it hurt?”
“Only my head.” Her eyes closed. “I’m dizzy.”
“Don’t go to sleep. Do you hear me? You’ve got to stay awake.”
His tone was so commanding, she felt as if he were keeping her conscious by sheer willpower alone. Perhaps he was. She didn’t seem to have much will of her own at present.
“Say something. Recite poetry. Anything.”
How peculiarly he was behaving. Why would he want her to do anything so idiotic as recite poetry. “I can’t think of any poetry now.”
“Then recite the Pledge of Allegiance or the Bill of Rights. All of you Yanks memorize those things, right? Come on, open your eyes and talk to me.”
She slowly opened her eyes. His face was close to her own. Jordan had such a powerful, fascinating face, a face that filled her world. Why hadn’t she realized that before? Why was she fighting him, when the tie that bound them together was so much stronger than what was tearing them apart? She vaguely remembered it had something to do with what had happened in the past, but she was too tired to think now. Perhaps tomorrow …
“No! Stay with me. Say something to me.”
It was terribly hard to stay with him, and what could she say? She couldn’t remember that blasted Pledge of Allegiance either. All she could recall were the words Penny had quoted. Perhaps he’d be happy with that. “Oh why hast thou so beguiled me?”
He inhaled sharply. “God, love, I never meant …”
What was he talking about? She had hurt him in some way and she had to try to … The mists were closing in and she tried desperately to push them away. Jordan needed her.
His hands were gripping her shoulders as if to forcibly keep her with him. “No, don’t close your eyes! Please, Sara.”
She heard no more.
• • •
She opened her eyes to see Cam smiling down at her. “It’s about time you came back to us. Four more hours and I would have had another patient. Jordan is practically a basket case. He was afraid you’d gone into a coma.”
Sara lifted her hand to her throbbing temple. Running. She had been running. The stones had been so slick. “I fell.”
“You bet you did.” Cam dropped down into the easy chair beside the bed. “And gave yourself one hell of a whack. You’ve been unconscious for the last few hours.” He patted her hand. “Don’t worry. The doctor said you had only a slight concussion. You’re to stay in bed and take it easy for the next twenty-four hours, but after that you should be fine.”
“Doctor?” She sat up, flinching as a jagged pain ripped through her head. “What doctor?”
“Jordan had me radio for a doctor to be flown in from the mainland to examine you. Dr. Molsen just left. Jordan is walking down to the helicopter with him.” Cam made a face. “I don’t think Jordan believed him when he said you’d regain consciousness any minute and intends to cross-examine the poor bastard. How do you feel?”
“Like I have a king-size hangover.”
“How would you know how that feels?” Cam’s dark eyes were twinkling. “I’ve never even seen you tipsy.”
“I’ve sowed a few wild oats like everyone else. Once when I was in college I remember waking up and being in such pain even the sheet covering me hurt and—” She broke off as another pain knifed through her head. She fell back against the pillows and closed her eyes. “That’s when I learned the value of moderation in all things.”
“You miss a lot of fun that way. Personally, I’m in favor of indulging myself with a little excess every now and then.” A cold cloth was laid on her forehead and Sara sighed with relief as Cam wiped her face with almost maternal gentleness. “Better?”
She didn’t dare risk nodding her head. “Yes.”
“The doctor gave you a shot for pain and left you some pills to take later tonight.” Cam continued to move the cloth over her face. “You’re going to be fine, luv. Just put up with all this bother a little longer and we’ll have you on your feet again in no time.” For a few moments there was a silence in the room as soothing as the stroking of Cam’s touch before a distant chugging of the rotors of a helicopter broke the tranquility. “There goes the doctor. That means Jordan should be back pretty soon.”
Jordan. Sara’s muscles suddenly stiffened and the soothing motion of Cam’s hand paused. “Relax. No one’s going to hassle you. Jordan’s probably in worse shape than you are.”
“I doubt it,” she said dryly. “I’m the one who feels like every sound is setting off an explosion in my head.”
“Then I’d better shut up.” He paused. “Just one more thing, Sara. Don’t blame Jordan too much for what happened, will you? I guarantee he’s blaming himself enough for the two of you.”
“I don’t blame Jordan for my fall,” she said wearily. “It was an accident and could have happened even if I hadn’t been running away from him. I have enough counts against him without blaming him for that too.” She turned her head away. “I don’t want to talk about Jordan. It gives me even more of a headache than that fall I took. I’m going to go back to sleep.”
“Good idea,” Cam said softly. “The great bard said that ‘sleep brings counsel.’ I think we could all use a little counseling. There has to be some solution to this mess.”
“Does there? I don’t know …”
The room was in almost total darkness when she opened her eyes again, and she could only vaguely discern the figure sitting in the chair by the bed. “Cam?” she asked drowsily.
“No.” Jordan leaned forward. “Are you all right? Do you need something?”
“Water. My throat is dry.” She sat up in bed and found to her relief that her headache had faded to a dull throb behind her eyes. “I can get it.”
“Sit still.” Jordan’s voice was hoarse. He switched on the lamp on the bedside table and poured a half glass of water from the thermos carafe on the table. “Do you need a pain pill?”
“No, I don’t think so.” She took the glass of water and drank it thirstily. “I don’t like to take strong sedatives unless—” She broke off as her gaze lifted to his face. “You’re the one who looks as though he should take something.”
Jordan looked ravaged … empty. She experienced a swift rush of sympathy and hurriedly lowered her gaze so that he wouldn’t be aware of that brief moment of weakness. “Why don’t you go to bed? I don’t need you.”
His smile was a mere stretching of lips as he took the empty glass and set it on the bedside table. “I know you don’t. But I need to be here. I promise you that I won’t bother you. I’ll just sit here and watch over you. Okay?”
She frowned. “No, it’s not okay. I’m fine and I certainly don’t need
or want anyone holding a watch over me. Go to bed.”
He stood there, looking at her for a long moment. Then to her surprise he turned away. “All right, I’ll leave you alone. God knows, I can’t blame you for wanting to see the last of me.” He switched off the lamp. “Call if you need anything.”
She watched him move toward the door, a solid silhouette in the darkness. It wasn’t like Jordan to give up so easily and it gave her a twinge of uneasiness. “Jordan.”
“Yes.”
“Cam said you were blaming yourself for my injury,” she said haltingly. “I just wanted you to know that I realize you never intended to hurt me.”
“That’s very kind of you.” His words were oddly muffled. “But it was entirely my fault that it happened.”
For some reason she wanted desperately to comfort him. Where had her anger and bitterness gone?
He opened the door, and for an instant he was framed against the dimly lighted hallway. He was standing very straight, the line of his spine taut as if to withstand the force of a blow. The door closed behind him.
So much pain. Even though he had left the room she could feel the waves of agony that had radiated from him encompass her. She could feel them as if it were her own pain, as if in some mysterious fashion they were joined.
She had a vague memory of thinking something like that after she had been hurt. There had been a warmth, a certainty, a bonding.
And a realization.
Sara slowly lay back down but not to sleep. She was too alert, too electrified by the stunning knowledge that had come to her. She would have to think, to come to terms with that discovery.
And then she must come to a decision.
Cam rose from the couch and came forward as soon as he heard Jordan’s footsteps on the stairs. His gaze searched his brother’s face. “She’s awake?”
Jordan nodded jerkily. “She seems okay.” He smiled bitterly. “As well as could be expected after a blow on the head like that.”
Man from Half Moon Bay Page 10
