by Cheri Marie
“Do you want to stop somewhere and get a light dinner?” Landon asks everyone, we all agree. We decide to just stop and grab hoagies at the sandwich shop we passed earlier in the day. After we’ve eaten we head back to the parking garage and part ways with Kat and Xavier.
“Have a good night you two and drive safe,” I say to them as I hug them both.
“We will and I’m so happy for you and my cousin. You two take care of each other okay?” she says with a glance at Landon.
“We will,” Landon pipes up, giving her a strange look. I shrug it off. It’s probably a family thing.
We all load into Landon’s car and head home. Everyone is quiet on the way to the house. Landon is holding my hand, lightly running his thumb across my knuckles. I feel like something is bothering him but I don’t want to ask him in front of Ashlan and Damien. We pull in the driveway and everyone files out. Ashlan and Damien decide to go to Damien’s for the night. This will give me a chance to find out what is bugging Landon.
We watch as Ashlan and Damien pull out of the driveway, I turn to walk inside but Landon grabs my hand and spins me around. Pulling me close so we're body to body, he kisses me deeply and passionately. Sometimes I feel as though I am his only means of survival; it’s unnerving and beguiling at the same time. We break from the kiss and he rests his forehead on mine.
“Finally, I have my girl all to myself,” he whispers. “Come on let’s go inside, I got something for you.” Before I can say anything he grabs my hand and leads me inside. I head to the kitchen and pour us each a glass of wine. I walk into the living room and sit in my favorite chair that’s big enough for two people, or maybe three. Landon comes and sits next to me.
He nervously hands me a small gift bag, inside is a small crushed velvet box. My stomach suddenly drops to my toes. This is not what I think it is. I slowly open the box, inside is a beautiful gold necklace with a diamond encrusted heart pendant and a little dog tag that reads, ‘You’re my girl, my angel and I’m giving you my heart to hold forever… I love you. L’. I choke back the tears, don’t cry Arianna, do not cry I think to myself. I just sit there staring at it, not saying a word. It looks expensive and suddenly my gift seems so insignificant.
“Do you like it?”
“I love it, but you really didn’t have to get me anything.”
“I know, I got it because I wanted to.”
“Can you help me put it on?” I ask him.
“Of course,” he moves my hair to the side, careful not to catch my hair he clasps the necklace and places a light kiss on my shoulder blade. “So can I have my gift now?”
“Sure,” I say, handing him the bag, I watch him open it and pull out the keychain. I continue to watch him nervously as he reads what it says. Suddenly he sits forward and turns to look at me, he has tears in his eyes. My heart nearly breaks as I sit there staring back at him.
“D-Do you like it?” I stutter.
“Baby, this is the greatest gift you could have given me.” I reach over and flip the keychain over so he sees the engraving. He looks at it then looks up at me. He suddenly grabs me and kisses me. “I love you too,” he whispers against my lips. “More than you’ll ever know.” My heart warms hearing those three words come across his lips.
I cuddle into his side and rest my head on his shoulder. I let my mind wander. Who would have thought I’d end up here, in the arms of the most amazing man I have ever encountered? Even better yet, for some reason he is head over heels in love with me, and I with him. I feel like I should pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. I feel a tear run down my cheek, I just might get my happily ever after, after all. I try to brush it away before Landon notices but he must have been watching me. He turns my face so that I’m looking into his eyes.
“Baby, why are you crying?”
“I was just thinking again…”
“About?”
“About how I never thought I would meet someone that would wholeheartedly love me for me.”
All the feelings I’ve been fighting come flooding to the surface. As much as I wanted to keep them at bay and take things slow, fate has other things in mind. Why fight something that feels so incredibly right?
“Arianna… I have dated all kinds of women; from the super model to the average woman, and absolutely none of them compare to you. You are undoubtedly absolutely beautiful, but looks are only skin deep. You are not only visibly gorgeous but you have the most amazing personality and a heart of gold. You radiate the beauty from within, out. You seem to think you are the lucky one in this equation but you are wrong. I am without a doubt the luckiest man in the world.”
I just sit there staring at him dumbfounded. Tears flowing freely down my cheeks. This man has a way with words. I can’t help but think, he should write Hallmark cards.
Today was a good day. Arianna and I are finally making progress, she told me she loves me and I am the happiest man in the world. After nearly waking her from one of my nightmares last night, I have to think of how to tell her about the demons that follow me. Though they happen less frequently when I’m with her, she deserves to know before she ends up finding out by being scared awake by me thrashing around in my sleep. For now I push my PTSD to the side, things are good and I don’t want to damper the good mood with my issues.
I kiss her sweetly on her lips and wipe away the tears from her cheeks. I’m not sure that Ari believes me when I tell her that she’s beautiful, that I am the luckiest man in the world to have her. But I will continue to tell her until she believes it. We’ve had a good day, a very long but good day. Not saying anything I stand up, reaching out I grab her hand and pull her up, leading her up to her room. Releasing her hand she strolls across the bedroom to her closet to change into a nighty. I strip down to my boxer briefs and climb into bed. She climbs in and cuddles into my side facing me. We just lay there looking into each other’s eyes, hazel eyes melting into green. Right now we don’t need to talk. Everything is being said with our eyes. Eventually, we both drift off to sleep.
I wake up in Landon’s arms. The sun is cascading through the window highlighting his beautiful features. I can’t help but smile at the thought that he is all mine. I lightly caress his cheek, he stirs, opening his eyes and he smiles.
“Do you know how much I love this?” he asks.
“Love what?”
“Waking up to you every morning. It makes me not want to go back to my apartment. I could totally get used to this,” he kisses the top of my head. I give him a small smile, looking away, I bite my bottom lip. Does he want to move in already? No, he couldn’t; that would be moving way too fast, and he promised we’d take it slow. We’ve only just said I love you to each other for the first time yesterday. My mind is going five hundred thousand miles an hour. He must notice I’m freaking out because he grabs my attention.
“Hey, are you okay? You’re going to chew your lip off," he smirks, reaching up and tugging my lip free from my teeth.
“Yea I’m fine, it’s just…” He looks at me, studying my face. After a minute or two it registers to him what I’m freaking out about.
“Baby, you can breathe. I wasn’t suggesting we move in together. I mean I hope it’s a possibility in the future, but I told you we would take it slow and I meant it. I’m not going to rush you. I just wanted to tell you how much I love the nights we spend together, and waking up to your beautiful smile each morning,” I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank goodness for that.
“Okay,” is all I can muster because I feel like an idiot for panicking like that.
We spend the rest of the weekend together. Not doing much of anything, we just enjoy each other’s company, getting to know each other better. We discuss our dreams, aspirations, fears; what we ultimately want out of life. Landon tells me about his time in the military and what it was like being overseas. I’m intrigued.
“So why did you leave the military?” I ask.
He freezes and just stares at me like he’s forgotten how to
talk. I immediately feel sick to my stomach, I know I’ve hit a nerve with this question and I regret even asking. I’m about to tell him he doesn’t have to tell me, that it’s none of my business when he starts to speak.
“To be honest, it wasn’t by choice. I was… I was discharged. Honorably of course, but discharged nonetheless.”
I wasn’t prepared to tell her about this yet, but since she brought it up I guess it’s now or never. Keeping my eyes on her, knowing what her next question will be, I take a deep breath and continue.
“I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It didn’t come as a surprise, I had been having nightmares and panic attacks for weeks before I saw the psychiatrist. It all started after my unit was attacked. We were on a mission, when we were attacked by gunfire. My best friend that talked me into joining the Marines, was shot down right in front of me," I choke back a sob, trying to fight the tears that are inevitably going to come; I continue. “I held him, telling him to hold on. That he was going to be okay. He had a fucking wife and newborn daughter at home waiting for him. They needed him, he couldn’t die. Just as we were getting back to base he took his last breath… When I came home, they sent me to break the news to his wife. She broke down as soon as she saw me in my dress blues, the flag and his dog tags in hand. I couldn’t even comfort her, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for being alive. It could easily have been me, it should have been me. He had a family. Goddamnit, Zander why did you have to die and leave your family behind?! Why did you jump in front of me into the oncoming gunfire?!”
I hardly realize that I’ve been screaming, tears rolling down my cheeks. I manage to calm myself down some, taking deep steadying breaths. I look up at Arianna; she’s just sitting there staring at me, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break down like that.” She doesn’t say a word as she quickly moves to my side. I wrap my arms around her waist and lay my head on her chest. She wraps her arms tight around me, running her hand up and down my arm to soothe me.
I’m not sure how long we just sit there in silence. Arianna doesn’t say anything, she just sits there quietly holding me. Once I’ve completely calmed myself and my breathing steadies, I sit up. She lets go of me and I look up into her beautiful green eyes. I search them, looking for any indication that she’s going to head for the hills, I mean I don’t know anyone that would want to take on the burden of this bullshit.
“I’ll completely understand if you go running for the hills,” the expression on her face looks as though I’ve offended her. Fuck.
I squint my eyes at him. I can’t believe he just said that. Does he really think that low of me? I sit there for a minute trying to reign in the offense I feel from his last statement. As much as it hurt, I understand why he said it. Many people couldn’t deal with PTSD, but I’m not many people. I know we haven’t known each other long and that I’ve already run away once, but that won’t happen again. I take a deep breath…
“Is that what you think of me? That I would turn away from you and run for the hills?” I choke back the lump in my throat.
“No, not really, but I’d understand if you did.”
I move closer to him, lightly placing my hands on either side of his face and looking deep into those beautiful hazel eyes.
“Believe me when I say, I am head over heels in love with you. I know I ran scared in the beginning, but you’ve slowly broken down the walls to my heart. Just know I would never turn my back on you. Remember, I got your six.”
I lean over and lightly kiss his eyes and then his lips. He wraps his arms tight around me and deepens the kiss; it has a cardinal feeling behind it. I kiss back with equal need, thrusting my hands into his hair. We break and he rests his forehead on mine. I can feel his warm breath on my face as both our breathing steadies.
“Baby?”
“Yes,” he answers, in almost a whisper.
“Can I ask you something? If you don’t want to answer it’s okay.”
“Of course, you can ask me anything.”
I swallow, “Have you seen a psychiatrist since you’ve been home?” His body tightens and he lowers his head.
“No.”
“Why?” I ask cautiously.
“I didn’t want some fucking psychiatrist that has never been to war telling me how the fuck I should be feeling. I just wanted it to end. All of it; the nightmares, the pain, the memory of seeing Zander's widow drop to her knees in tears. I was going to end it all,” he trails off.
“What?” I gasp.
“All the pain, the suffering, the guilt, I just wanted it to stop. I had my pistol loaded and ready for when I got home that night, the night of your fundraiser. But something happened during the day that made me rethink it, made me change my mind.”
“What happened?”
“You… You happened.”
I look at him stunned stupid. “Wh-what do you mean, I happened?”
“I came to your fundraiser, just to ease my mind that there is someone out there trying to help the soldiers that make it home. Then as I’m walking through the room to find a table, I nearly collide with you.” My cheeks blush; he gives me a small smile and continues. “You looked up at me with those piercing green eyes that saw right through me, through all the bullshit right to my fucking soul. After that, all I could think about was you, your beauty and those eyes…”
Tears are streaming down my face. It feels like someone has tied a rope around my heart and is pulling tight. I just sit there looking at him, not knowing what the hell to say. I mean, what do you say to someone that just told you that you were the sole purpose that kept them from taking their own life? This man before me; this strong, beautiful man I know has been fighting so many demons on his own and I never had any idea. All this time, I was thinking he was my life line. That he was saving me but really we were saving each other. So much is running through my head. Thinking about the pain he’s been feeling, I can’t even imagine. I’m glad I could be the one to make him change his mind. I couldn’t imagine a world without him in it. I try to stop the tears, to be strong for him because he obviously needs me to be, but I just can’t hold it back.
“D-Do you still have nightmares?” I ask, stuttering between sobs.
“Yes, but not nearly as frequent as they were before. I was having them almost nightly, now they’re once a week, sometimes even less.”
“And the desire to end your life?” I ask him, searching his eyes.
“Gone… The night I met you, I knew from that moment that I wanted to be with you, needed to be with you. Now, here we are, and I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without you. I believe with all my heart our meeting wasn’t by accident, it was fate. You are my solace, my earth bound angel and I’ll do anything to keep you happy and by my side."
I lean across and kiss him, “You are my hero, my saving grace and I’ll be here as long as you’ll have me.”
I sigh heavily and my body relaxes. I’m relieved to have that off my chest, and even more so that she didn’t run away. I don’t know what I would do if she left me now. Talking about Zander and everything I’ve been going through mentally since I’ve been home, has a million different emotions coming to the surface. I’m not used to being such an emotional mess, let alone opening up to someone the way I just did to Arianna. The fact that I could be so open and honest with her is just more validation to what I already knew; she’s it for me.
Never in my life had I imagined I’d be here. I was always the playboy, having women constantly falling at my feet. I’d fuck them and move on; never expecting to find someone I would want to share my life with, build a life with. Fast forward to now and all that comes to mind when looking or thinking about Arianna, is spending the rest of my life with her.
I’m dreading having to leave her to go back to work tomorrow but we both have jobs to do. We spend the rest of the afternoon just cuddled up next to each other on the couch. Arianna is stretched out next to me, her face nuzzle
d into my neck. I can feel her soft breath. I lightly run my hand down her arm twining my fingers with hers. She turns her head up and lightly kisses along my jaw line. The sensuality of her touch and light kisses speaks right to my groin. After the emotional and heavy day we had today, sex hadn’t been on either of our minds; now all I want is to be buried inside my girl. I slide my free hand under her to her hip and steady her as she climbs astride me. Leaning down she kisses me, lightly biting my lower lip. I place my hands on either side of her face and deepen the kiss. I let my hands slide from her face, down to her neck and even lower to her breasts. I cup each one, teasing her hard nipples through the soft material of her shirt. She lets out a light moan against my lips. I grab the hem of her shirt, she sits up long enough for me to quickly strip her of it; I’m pleasantly surprised she doesn’t have a bra on. I grab one of her breasts and suck her nipple into my mouth, sucking and lightly rolling it between my teeth. A deep moan slips from her lips and she arches her back. I release the nipple I was working with my mouth and move onto the next one. My free hand slides down and under her skirt to her sex. I cup her sex, working her with my fingers through the fabric of her panties.
“Baby, you’re so dripping wet already.”
“Only for you,” she says between breaths as she grinds into my hand, letting out a light moan.
“Mmm… I like the sound of that.”
“Landon…” it’s a plea.
“What baby?”
“I need you.”
“What do you need?” I whisper into her ear, lightly nipping on her earlobe while still tantalizing her with my fingers.
“I need to feel you inside me, deep and filling me. I want you to fuck me like your life depends on it. Show me how much you love and need me, I feel it emotionally, but I want to feel it physically.”
