by Sue MacKay
‘Burwood.’
The military base near Christchurch. ‘Really going home, then, huh?’
‘Until the brass find some other place to send me.’
‘When was the last time you spent any time there?’
At first she didn’t think he was going to answer but finally he managed, ‘Ages ago. I haven’t seen Ma and Pa Creighton for far too long.’ Guilt lined his words and filled his eyes.
‘Who are they?’
‘They took me in to live with them when I was fourteen. The kindest folk you’d ever want to know.’
And he hadn’t been to see them for a while. She knew not to ask about that, and for once managed to keep quiet. Not that she stopped wondering what had happened that he’d needed a home back then. Where had his parents been? Had he been a welfare kid? She knew about them as when she’d been young her parents had fostered two boys slightly older than her whom she’d adored and had been devastated when they’d left to return to their families.
Then Sam interrupted her fruitless machinations. ‘Why did you join up?’
‘I was looking for something different to the usual track of building a big, fancy career in a private practice.’ She’d wanted out of her life as it had become. At least until she could face a future without the husband and children she’d always dreamed of.
‘That had been your initial goal?’
‘Yes. Then I had a change of mind.’ A near death experience could do that.
‘Going to tell me why?’
‘No.’ Then she added, before she could overthink it, ‘Not now.’ Explaining about the fire and the ensuing disaster would be hard. But hard didn’t begin to explain the consequences that had followed that terrifying night. ‘I guess eventually I’ll go back to that idea but not yet.’ But would she?
The army had taken her away from home and the hideous memories, from her concerned family with their endless suggestions of how to get back on track. There were awful memories ground so deep she’d never expunge them, but they were slightly easier to ignore when she wasn’t living and working in her home town. Something she owed her sister for. She wouldn’t have chosen the army as a cure if not for Maggie’s suggestion—nagging, more like—that it could be a way to reinvent herself. She’d grabbed that thought and signed up without thinking too hard about what she was letting herself in for. Desperation made people do strange things.
On the plus side, her body was fitter, more muscular and in the best shape it had ever been. Her smart mind was faster, sharper, and yet only now was it dawning on her what she had landed herself in.
So much for being intelligent. Hope I haven’t messed up big time.
Too bad if she had. The only way out of here was by court-martial or in a wooden box. Not options worthy of consideration. Yet she was supposed to be getting over horrors, not facing new ones. By the end of her tour, far from the comfort of home and her well-meaning but over-protective family, she fully intended knowing what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, and the past would be exactly that. The past. That was the plan anyway. Except plans had a way of going off track.
‘I hear uncertainty in that answer.’ No challenge sparked in the eyes now locked on her. Instead curiosity ruled.
Her natural instinct was to pull down the shutters. Habit was a strong taskmaster. Since the fire, she was done with showing anything but the truth, even a watered-down version, so she usually kept quiet. But now she was starting over? Straightening her already straight spine, she said, ‘I haven’t got any long-term plans at the moment. I’m taking everything one day at a time. Or one tour anyway.’ Now she’d said too much.
He nodded, said quietly, ‘You and I have something in common.’
Hideous memories? Pain? Fear? She hoped not. She didn’t wish bad things on him. ‘You aren’t going to be a soldier for ever?’
‘No idea. I had planned on it, but now who knows?’
That sounded lame, but before she could ask Sam to expand on what he’d said Jock appeared in their cramped area.
Sam looked down at his patient. ‘Think we’re about done. You?’
‘The guy didn’t make it.’
Madison’s head flicked back and forth between the two men, then she locked on Sam. ‘This isn’t uncommon, is it?’
‘Losing a patient? No.’ That get-me-anything smile was back in place, but his serious voice didn’t match it. Could be Sam was hiding his own despair at what they dealt with.
Hairs lifted on her neck. ‘Sam?’ His name fell out of her mouth.
‘You’re in a brutal environment now, Madison.’
Phew. He thought she was thinking about the medical work. Better than him knowing the truth. ‘I get that,’ she replied.
He went on. ‘It takes time to get used to the injuries we see here, especially what causes them, but if you don’t you’ll sink.’
‘I’m hardly likely to do that.’ She could feel her muscles tightening. Stop it. New approach, remember? No more getting uptight over everything. Forcing the tension aside, she tried for normal. ‘But thanks for the warning. I’ll be on guard.’
‘You’d better be. For all our sakes.’ His words were sharp, but the smile that accompanied them lessened any suspected blow. It was genuine, not full of I’m-so-cool attitude.
‘You’ll have to trust me on this, Sam.’ Huh? That was a big ask. There wasn’t room for trust in manoeuvres with an unproven soldier. That’s how people died, or so the training officers back home had hammered home.
Sam’s smile faltered, slid away. ‘I will.’ Forceps clanged against the steel of a kidney dish, loud in the sudden silence. ‘But if you find you’re struggling I’m not bad at listening.’
Now, there was an offer she’d have to decline. Talking one on one with Sam with no one else around about personal concerns would be taking things way too far. Shame. It could be good to sit over a coffee and chat about life in general, learn a few snippets about what made him tick. There was a depth to him that drew her in, intrigued her. ‘Strange how real life is way different from those lofty ideas I had at school. Nothing turns out as sweet and easy as it looked then.’
Grief shot through his eyes, darkening them to a dull, wintry day. There was a storm in there, swirling emotions moving too fast to catch. ‘Time we talked about something else, Madison.’ There was no force behind his words, just a low, please-stop-this tone.
‘Fair enough,’ she answered equally quietly, more than happy to oblige. But what sore had she scratched?
‘You caved too easily.’ He stepped away from the bed, rolling his shoulders, pulling up a grin that didn’t fit quite right.
Aha. He definitely hid behind that mouth, those grins. ‘Lack of sleep catching up.’
‘That explains why you’ve also gone quiet,’ Sam gulped around another grin. ‘You sure you’re who I think you are?’
‘Probably not.’ She wasn’t recognising herself at the moment.
He came around the bed to stand directly in front of her. His finger tilted her chin so she had to meet his gaze. The intimacy of the gesture shocked her, but she didn’t want to pull away. Waiting for him to say whatever was on his mind made her nervous. Her jaws locked, while her brain spilled words she struggled not to utter.
His finger slid over her jaw before he removed his hand and stepped back. ‘I like having someone from my time at Christchurch High School turn up here. That was a good place in my life and you’ve brought back memories even if you weren’t involved.’
Her head spun. ‘You haven’t kept in touch with guys from school?’
‘Not really. I couldn’t wait to get out of town at the time, not realising how lucky I was to live there.’
‘So visiting Christchurch doesn’t happen often?’
Sam shook his head at her. ‘Unfortuna
tely not. Life has a tendency to throw curve balls just when I think I’m ready to go back there and maybe look into setting up a practice.’ Those summer-blue eyes quickly darkened back to winter.
‘Well, well. I sure hit the nail on the head earlier.’ Jock stood beside them, looking from her to Sam and back.
‘Can it,’ Sam snapped. His shoulders were back to tight, and straighter than a ruler. His jaw pushed forward, and the winter in his gaze kicked up an ice storm.
‘If you’re done, let’s grab a coffee,’ Jock said as though nothing out of the ordinary had gone down.
The glove Sam was removing tore as he tugged it. ‘Nah. You entertain our new medic. I’ve got things to do.’
Contrition caught Madison. She didn’t know if she’d contributed to upsetting him, but she regretted it if she had. ‘Sam, I don’t understand what’s going on but, whatever it is, I am sorry.’
‘You haven’t put a foot wrong.’ He stared at her, a war going on in his face. ‘The thing is, Madison, I’m at the end of my tour of duty, you’re at the beginning.’ He swallowed hard. ‘So good luck. You’re going to need it.’ He turned and stormed out of the room.
Madison stared after him, regret at his abrupt departure swamping her. ‘What just happened?’
Jock shrugged. ‘Welcome to the Peninsula. It does strange things to the sanest of us at times. Sam will be his usual self by sun-up.’ But his gaze was worried as he stared after his friend.
* * *
Sam did three laps of the perimeter, walking hard and fast. His breathing was rapid, while his body dripped with sweat despite the cooler night air.
‘Damn it, Madison, get out of my head.’ He didn’t want her lurking in there, reminding him of the future he’d once longed for. The future that had held a wife and family, people to shower with love, to protect and give himself to. The future that was no longer his to have.
He looked around, hoped no one had heard his outburst. Only went to show what a state Maddy’s arrival had got him into if he was talking to himself out loud. Might get locked up if the wrong person overheard him. A week in the cells would keep him clear of Madison. Now, that could be a plus.
Why had the arrival of Maddy, someone he’d barely known so long ago, flipped up all the pain and anguish he kept hidden deep within himself?
Stopping his mad charge, he leaned a shoulder against the fence, drawing in deep gulps of sticky air. None of this ranting was helping. This was when he missed his pal the most, missed venting about things that stirred him up.
William had filled a gap in his life in a similar way to how Ma and Pa Creighton had filled in for his mother when she’d died. Sam’s skin tightened. The guilt he’d carried over his friend’s death stymied everything he thought he might do next with his life. Having fun when his friend was beyond it was not possible. Finding happiness with a woman was undeserved and to be avoided at all costs in case he ruined it for her.
Sam shoved away from the fence, began jogging, his shoes slapping the hard soil and raising dust.
Voices and laughter beckoned as he passed the open door of the officers’ canteen where the rest of the crew, including Madison, would be drinking tea and eating cookies to replace the nervous energy they’d expended in Theatre. Operating on victims of gunfire or a bombing made everyone uneasy, reminding them why the army was there. Reminding them all that any one of them could be the next on the operating table. He should be in there, relaxing, cracking jokes, putting the day to bed, not out here, winding himself into a knot of apprehension.
He continued jogging.
Until his heart lurched, forcing his legs to slow then stop. A harsh laugh escaped him. He’d been so busy thinking about Madison he hadn’t seen her in the shadows laid across the ground from the mess building. She shuffled across the parade ground, her arms hanging at her sides, her chin resting on her sternum. Close to lifeless.
‘Hey,’ he whispered softly, almost afraid she’d hear and straighten up, put strength back in her muscles and pretend she was fine. The picture before him was honest, and punched him in the gut. This was a new picture. One thing he did remember was that Maddy had always been energy personified. Not right at this moment, though. Neither had she been earlier when she’d come off that plane.
Oh, Maddy, what has happened to you?
A shaft of pain sliced into him. For her. He didn’t want her suffering, hurting, crying on the inside.
Madison paused her slow progress, glanced around. Had she heard his footfalls on the dirt? Was she aware of him? She took a couple of steps. Guess not. Then she stopped again, leaned back and stared up at the sky where a myriad of stars sparkled. Her hands lifted to her hips as she gazed upwards. The outline of her breasts aiming skyward forced the air out of his lungs.
Beautiful. Even in her overtired state she was the most alluring woman he’d come across, from that attractive short hair right down to the tips of her boots.
Sam spun away, trying to fling the ache she’d created from his body. Another circuit of the camp might fix what ailed him, though running in his current state would be a novelty. He turned back to look at Maddy again. Call her Madison. Maddy’s too intimate, too friendly. Yet it was all he wanted to call her.
‘You done beating yourself up?’ Jock strolled into his line of vision, hands shoved into his pockets and a sympathetic smile on his face. ‘Feel like a beer?’
‘Thought you’d never ask.’ Two in the morning and they were talking about having a beer. How messed up were they? ‘We’ve got patrol at zero eight hundred hours.’
‘Then we’d better get on with it.’
The beer wasn’t going to happen. They’d settle for a mug of tea followed by a few hours’ kip, and he’d wake to a new day that didn’t include X-rated pictures of Madison Hunter. Wouldn’t he?
A shiver rattled Sam as she continued strolling away towards the barracks. His body was giving him messages he had to knock down. He was not getting close to her. Not now. Not ever. So he’d treat her as he did everyone else around here, as a fellow soldier and doctor, and see where that led. Hopefully out of the she’s-so-sexy-I-could-cry slot and into the just-another-medic category.
Slam. There it was—a mental picture of Madison standing in the middle of the medical unit, looking good enough to eat.
And he was hungry. Starved, in fact.
But the past went wherever he went, haunting in its persistence, preventing him moving on and grabbing life’s chances. Painful when he thought about all he could’ve had, and would never obtain. He was not entitled to love and happiness ever after. He’d thrown that away with William’s life.
Why the surprise? It wasn’t as though he didn’t know better. His mother had told him never to trust anyone with his heart after his dad had ditched them in an old shack by the river in one of Christchurch’s less than savoury districts.
Sam knew how these things worked, had always known, yet he’d still carried a thread of hope in his heart. Ma and Pa Creighton had shown love and happiness were possible when they’d taken him, a sulky kid with no credentials except how to shoplift with impunity, into their home and family and given him a chance. He’d believed them, in them.
Until his friend had died. That had been reality kicking him in the gut, reminding him he’d been wrong to think he could have it all.
CHAPTER FOUR
‘IF THAT FLY doesn’t go away quick smart I’m going to smash it with the back of my hand,’ Madison muttered under her breath. But she didn’t move, not a hair. The blasted fly kept crawling across her face.
She scoped the landscape for anomalies, her back to the dilapidated concrete block building her patrol was inspecting from a hundred metres. Her hands gripped the weapon she held hard against her body. The silence was excruciating. The lack of movement was scary, and a warning in itself. The air humme
d with tension as soldiers waited, watching and analysing everything around them. They’d just received info of insurgents hiding out in what used to be a police station and was now a ruin after being bombed last year.
‘Cop, Porky, move in.’ Sam spoke in a low voice that didn’t carry beyond the troops. ‘You three...’ he pointed to the soldiers beside Madison ‘...take the left. Captain Hunter, you’re with me and Jerry on the right.’
Sam was checking her out, otherwise it would’ve made more sense for her to go left with the others. He’d been observing her all day and it bugged her. Of course he wanted to know if she was up to speed on a mission, but did he have to be so obvious? She wouldn’t have been sent here if she couldn’t do her job.
Madison scanned the landscape once more before following Sam and Jerry. Movement caught her attention. ‘Wait,’ she called softly. ‘Five o’clock, inbound, one person, on his belly.’
Every soldier paused. Sam was instantly beside her, moving fast without appearing to. He followed the direction of her gaze and nodded once, abruptly. ‘Well spotted, Captain.’
She ignored the glow of satisfaction warming her. She was only doing her job, and proving she was capable of it, but there’d been a hint of respect in Sam’s voice that she couldn’t ignore. It touched her when she didn’t want to be touched by him. If words could do that, what damage would physical connection do to her stability?
‘Ah!’ She stifled a cry. No one put a hand on her these days without having it swiped away. Imagine Sam spreading his hand, palm down, on her stomach, on the warped skin. Nausea swarmed up her throat.
‘Captain?’ Sam growled softly.
Gulp. ‘We still going inside?’ she asked.
‘After we’ve checked out that crawling body, established whether they’re friend or foe, we’ll reconnoitre.’ He nodded at the two men beside him, pointed where he wanted them to go. ‘Cop, Porky, hold your positions and keep watch over the police block.’
What was it with all these nicknames? Porky was thinner than a broom handle. Madison scanned the ground all the way up to that small person they were targeting. Nothing else stood out. She checked to the left, the right. ‘All clear.’
