by Julie Adams
I shake my head and go into my office, closing the door. I drop into my chair, take another gulp of my coffee and sigh. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself? My fuck up and Lily are consuming my entire brain. What is left functioning after the whiskey last night.
A knock on my door.
“Not no-” I'm cut off by Caroline letting herself in, she has a coffee in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. She sits both in front of me then sits down across from me.
“I'm busy,” I say waking my computer to prove it.
“You look like you need a friend,” she says in a tone that tells me she's not going away.
“I'm fine.”
“Female trouble?” I ignore her. “Is it this Lily?”
I look at her, how would she know?
“She brought you food and you were thrilled about it the rest of the day. I think you had something mutual going on with Lily,” She says her name the way I feel it, as if she's in complete awe of the woman she hasn't even met.
“I don't want to talk about it,” I snarl staring at my computer screen.
“Well tough, the way I see it you don't exactly have a lot of people to confide in. But me, I'm your friend whether you want me or not, I've seen you practically grow up in this company, I saw you sad after your stepdad died and then completely shattered when your mom passed. I didn't know what to do for you then, other than be the best assistant I could be. Then I watched you throw yourself into this company, and become more and more like the men in this business, flitting around with every cute floozy who crossed your path. You were so busy with all that pretend you never figured out the real man you are. A few months ago, I started to see you genuinely happy.”
She pauses catching her breath. Her words stunning me into silence. “I knew your mother a bit, she would have liked who you've been recently. I'm sad she isn't here. But I am, and I care about you as if you were family, and I know something is awfully wrong today, you've never asked me to clear your meetings. You've never looked so disheveled, and your eyes are red from drink, I'm sure. But they also look swollen as if you've been crying.”
I feel every muscle in me tense. Building armor around myself. I stare at Caroline and she seems more open and vulnerable than me right now. I could fire her and yet she's taking the risk. She's always been here for me. Always been taking care of me above and beyond an employee. She has always been my friend.
“I hurt her. Lily, I mean. I broke her trust.” I tell her more about Lily, the theater, our relationship. But I leave out the creeping about, I don't bring up the details of what I've done, only that it's something that has completely shattered Lily's trust in me.
“You didn't cheat on her then?” Caroline asks.
“No. Lily's the only woman I want. The only woman I think I'll ever want. She fills all the voids, she's all the good women I've known only better.” How could anyone compete with that or even come close?
“And you didn't put your hands on her?”
“God no.”
“Then all is not lost.” Caroline looks down at her skirt and picks off a stray piece of lint. “Your stepdad was a good man and father to you. He taught you how to run this business,” she says it without malice. “He loved you and your mom, but he could get so caught up in this life, the music, and parties. He taught you how to be a good businessman but don't let him teach you how to be a husband or boyfriend. Little sparkly gifts won't solve everything. And a life with someone your soul loves is better than anything in this world. Your mother knew that. Your mother taught you a lot about being a man, you just have to remember it.”
I think about it. All of it. The time with my mother, all her advice. How happy we had been even before my stepfather, when we were poor and living in a tiny apartment on the bad side of town. We had been happy. And I just want to be happy now.
Caroline glances at her tiny wristwatch. “I've got to get back, let me know if you want to talk. Or if you need anything, okay?” I half expect her to pat me on the head.
She's at the door when I stop her. “Caroline,” she turns. “Thanks. For everything. Especially kicking me in the ass when I need it.”
She winks. “Anytime, Boss.”
I feel slightly less heavy than I did when I came in. My heartache is still there but I've got a semblance of a plan. I'm not going to let Lily go this easily. I love her with every part of me, soul included. No fancy gifts this time. I'm going to hound her with my love until she responds. Whether it'll be with her loving me again, or telling me to fuck off, only time will tell.
Twenty Eight
Lily
It's been three days since I've spoken to Nathan. I've thought over everything he confessed until it all seems muffled in my memory.
I go back and forth between wanting to forgive him and wanting to wipe him completely from my memory, because then it wouldn’t hurt so damn bad.
Instead of remembering his touch, his voice, and all the wonderful things he said and did with me- all the things I said and did to him- if it was all gone from my memory and there was nothing there but a blank space, then, maybe, I could act like a normal human being instead of whatever I am right now.
Beth and Brent are treating me with kid gloves and that kills me. I avoid them as much as possible, I can't take their sympathetic looks.
I know Beth has kind of forgiven Nathan. She didn't hide that she had taken him out drinking, or that she did it out of fear of him self-destructing without someone to keep an eye on him. And a part of me was relieved that she has such a big heart.
Brent told me I can work from home, that I don’t have to go to the theater. I do anyway, to lock myself up in my room seems like a cop out to myself, like I would be taking all the progress I made and throwing it into the Seine.
I made a lot of progress on my own and a lot of progress with Nathan’s help. I had been getting by before, but he came and lit up my body and world like a pyre. Now it kind of feels like a funeral pyre.
My phone beeps, like it has every day at the same time, during my morning cup of coffee.
Nathan: I love you. I’m sorry.
It’s simple to the point. And at once a day it’s as non-invasive as he can make it while still communicating with me. And always during what I considered our time of day, breakfast. Always at the time of day when I miss him most. That’s not true, I miss him all the time, it’s just that the feeling doesn't always leave me unable to breathe.
I have to force myself not to respond. I don’t even know what I’ll write, just that I want to.
“Lily?” Beth’s voice calls from down the hall.
I’m sitting on the floor of one of the VIP boxes. “In here,” I call back.
She pushes open the new black curtain and joins me. A thick old album in her hand. “I found this, thought you might like to see it,” she flips it open and there are more photos of the theater, these are newer. Well, newer than the previous ones. And the theater is a cabaret of some sort.
“What’s the date of these?” I ask looking at the scribbles on the inside cover.
“About twenty years ago,” Beth says.
“You don’t think…?” I ask.
Beth shrugs and flips to the first page of photos. A group of gorgeous dancers in short overalls and tight white shirts and bowlers hats, all lined up like Rockettes. The next page is them applying makeup in a dressing room. And more posed shots mixed with candids- dancers sitting on the floor smoking while a few kids run around behind them. There are captions written beside them, naming the dancers and what's happening.
Then we turn to a full page photo, the first thing I notice is the swan bed and that there’s kids playing in the background. But at the very front and center of the photo is one of the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
She has long blonde hair, full brows, and dark doe eyes, her hair is teased and curled in a way that should be dated but looks amazing on her. She’s wearing
a sparkly ice skater type outfit and a gorgeous tall headdress with gems and feathers. But for all that, what I can’t tear my eyes away from is the little boy sitting on her lap, squeezing her just as hard as she’s squeezing him, giant real smiles on their faces.
I know before I even read the caption who it is, by the eyes and smile alone.
Nicole ‘Blue’ and Nathan Erickson.
Nathan as a boy. He was adorable. The way he’s holding onto his mother it’s clear that he adores her, and she adores him. They look so happy.
I feel my resolve waiver even more. I can understand why he felt close to her here, felt safe here. She seemed to vibrate the kind of energy that belongs on a stage, and I imagine she probably shone here. She was vibrant and alive within these walls.
I sigh and take the album from Beth. “You seen this already, haven’t you?”
“Yes, found it about a week ago and hadn’t gone through it until today. I thought you might want to see him as a kid. He looks happy,” I nod. “This was kind of like a second home for him, wasn't it?”
“Yea, I think it was.” I flip through the rest of the book. There’s a few snapshots of him playing in the background, and one of all the kids sleeping in the swan bed like a scene from a Victorian novel where everyone's paupers. “Who made this?” I ask.
“I think it was just a tradition, every company that came through over the decades would make a photo album and leave it, it’s pretty amazing,” she says.
“I wonder if we could make a big mural out of all these and put them in the lobby for people to see, it seems a shame to hide them away.”
“I was thinking the same thing.”
“Before you do anything, can I borrow this one?”
Beth’s eyes light up and are nearly sparkling. “Yes!” She nods emphatically.
“I’m so confused, Beth. He lied to me and that hurts like hell, but there’s a part of me saying it’s not so bad. The more I think about it, the more I try to fill in the blanks of his life, the more I understand why he came here and it has nothing to do with me. I still have so many questions…” I flip the book closed and stare at the cover.
Beth hugs me to her side. “I don’t have any of the answers, my dear. I have my theories and I think you’re right, that his coming here had nothing to do with you. I think it’s all a great big coincidence, a terribly lame one. I don’t think he ever wanted to hurt you.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, the tears surface in my eyes anyway. “But he did. And maybe if it weren’t for my past I could get over it.”
“Are you going to let that moment define you, Lily? Do you have so little faith in yourself?” I’ve never heard her voice like this before. Stern, a little angry, but so full of love. “You’ve been knocked down but you rose again, you let yourself fall in love again, and not blindly. You faced your fears, even when anxiety was clawing at you. You’re fucking strong. You’re smart. Don’t let yourself be their victim your entire life. Decide what you want, and how you feel. And only decide based on who you are now, not who you were then.”
“Bu-” I start and she cuts me off.
“No. Nathan lied, it was a shitty thing, he should have told you from the start. But think, how the hell do you explain this situation to someone? Any way he would have said it he would have sounded like a weirdo. And he did tell you, not as soon as he should have, but when he found the right way to. He wasn’t keeping some secret life from you, he wasn’t betraying you. He was only protecting himself like you are now.”
I blink. Beth has cursed repeatedly, she’s called me on my bullshit. And it’s exactly what I need. She’s right.
“I love you, I want you to be happy. And you were. He’s a great guy, Lily. He’s Prince Charming in the flesh, but with very real demons. Don’t write him off as a lost hope. I would never lead you astray. Talk to him, listen to why this place is so important to him.”
“You’re right. Did I ever tell you if you weren’t going to be my sister by marriage, I’d have chosen you to be my best friend?”
“Now I’m both. Either way, I would have met Brent and we would have fallen in love.” I raise a brow. “Fate. Somethings you can’t change.”
I smile. Fate. I repeat it in my head a few times. Fate is what Nathan had called us meeting. Maybe Fate and love had a stronger pull here in Paris. But fate could only do so much and I needed to take the lead in my life and my happiness.
From now on I refuse to live in the shadow of my past. I had a been a victim for a moment, it didn’t need to be a life sentence.
I pick up the album and follow Beth into the lobby. “Get out of here for a bit, get some fresh air and clear your head. All these fumes can’t be healthy.” She waves a hand indicating the freshly painted and wallpapered walls.
“I think I will.” I slip the album and my iPad into my bag and step outside.
As I walk down the sidewalk I take a deep breath of air and let it go. All of it. It feels good, like I'm actually breathing first time in days.
Paris is in full bloom Spring. Flowers and trees blossoming, the weather turning balmy with the promise of summer.
I walk with no destination in mind and end up near the Eiffel Tower. I stare up at it, and as if by its own volition my head turns towards the apartments on the other side. I wonder if Nathan’s home. If he’s looking down as I’m looking up.
Of course he isn’t.
I find a little cafe and order a latte. I check the theater’s email, scrolling through and glancing at the senders. I Stop. Scroll back and squint making sure I’m reading it right.
[email protected]
Razor’s Edge Records is one of the biggest rock labels in the U.S. I open it and read in chunks, unable to slow down and read it one word at a time.
Hello theater booking department,
Not sure who to address this email to (should remedy that ASAP.) My name’s Patrick Beringer, manager of Shadows of Sins. We heard of your venue through a friend of a friend and think it fits the bill perfectly for a special last minute performance for our fans in Paris before we jet back to L.A. For a little break.
We’re talking opening night headline for your historical, locally famous venue. I think it would be a great opportunity for all involved.
A quick response is ideal.
Regards,
Patrick Beringer
Management.
Holy. Shit.
Twenty Nine
Nathan
I close my eyes and count to ten. Then let out a heavy sigh. Covering my mouth to keep the fact that I’m about to break my teeth from gritting them so hard to myself.
Glass is everywhere and people are staring because we’re taping off the sidewalk to keep people from stepping on the glass. I’m pretty sure they think it’s a crime scene. In their need to see everything, they see the graffiti scrawled across the remaining windows.
Fucker. In big, red, ugly letters.
“Probably a bunch of kids,” Caroline says. She’s being extra cautious of me right now. She knows when I’m about to lose my cool.
I don’t say anything. It would be easy to write this off as kids, except the word is in English and most kids in Paris aren’t toting around handguns to shoot out plate glass windows.
One. Two. Three. Four.
I’m cut off before I get to five by my ringing phone.
“Hello,” I growl without even bothering to read the caller I.D.
“Did you do this?” My breath leaves me in a rush. My heart begins to pound and I don’t give a damn about the vandalism in front of me.
“Lily? Are you okay? What are you talking about?” I’m panicked. A million different things running through my mind at once.
“I’m fine, Nathan. And I’m talking about the gig with Shadows of Sins,” She says and I can tell she’s not happy.
“Shadows of Sins?” I ask.
“Yes. The big American rock band. They
want to play the theater. Did you make that happen?”
“No, I didn’t say anything to them…” I trail off. Caroline is suddenly much more interested in the cleanup. A tiny smirk like a neon light on her red lips. “I didn’t have anything to do with this, Lily. They probably heard about the theater from someone else in the business, the place is gaining quite a following around here.” It was true, people are interested in the haunted theater being resurrected and the ability to play for the living and the dead. Some musicians are a little morbid.
“Oh…” The edge is out of her voice now. “Okay.”
“If I were to help you that wouldn’t be out of line. We did have a deal once, didn’t we?”
“That was before…” She says, nearly whispering, her voice thick and sweet like honey.
“Before?” I ask. I have to keep her on the phone, I need to hear her voice. I’ve missed her so damn much.
“Before we slept together.” She replies and I hear the heat in her voice. My body reacts as my mind processes it. There must be some hope for me then. Right?
“I see. Well, rest easy. I didn’t have anything to do with it.” But I think I know who did. She’s quiet but still on the line. “How are you, mon chéri?” I wince, I shouldn’t have said that. Not yet.
“I’m… I’m okay.” She sighs and I picture her running her fingers through her hair. I think she’s going to hang up. “How are you?”
“Been better, actually.” I run my hand over my face and start walking away from the office. “I miss you like hell.” I’m pushing it, I know, but it just keeps coming out of my mouth before I can stop it.
“Yeah…” she trails off and I can feel her wanting to say more.
“Mr. Erickson, an inspector is here to see you.” Someone calls.
“What's going on, Nathan?” Lily asks her voice filling with concern.
She still cares.
I don't want to worry her with this, but no more secrets. “There was an incident at my office...” I sigh. How do I spin this in the best light.
