by Jack Parker
"Better?" She whispered, and I nodded.
She was so close. I traced her jaw bone with my thumb and leaned into her bodily. Her wide eyes glistened with emotion. I still wanted her; even through the bizarre mixture of emotions I felt at the news of my father's death, my desire for her ached the deepest in my chest. She inhaled sharply when I pulled her neck downward towards my face. She resisted, and I pressed my forehead to hers. Her erratic breath warmed my lips, and I closed my eyes against the tears. I just wanted to feel something, anything that erased the hollowness in my chest that had formed over the course of my life.
"Please." I pleaded, but she held firm. She pulled my hands from her body and held them tightly between us. Tears slipped from my eyes.
"Come with me?" Her silky blue voice cut through the rejection, and she led me from the room. A firm, protective hand on my waist kept me tucked tightly against her taller frame as we climbed the stairs and returned to my room. She straightened the messy covers and then guided me into bed. My eyes widened when she crawled beneath the sheets and settled beside me. The Woman in White magically appeared in her hands. She arranged two pillows against the headboard and scooted against them. Her hip rested near my head, and I fought the urge to lean into it.
"Come here," she beckoned with a sweep of her hand. I rearranged my pillows beside her and nested comfortably against her chest. Her thin warm arm draped over my shoulders and she pressed a kiss to my head before opening the book above my head. The intimacy of the position elicited more emotions than sex ever had, and my eyes slipped shut against the sudden panic. Her grip on my ribs tightened instinctively when my body tensed, preparing to flee.
"Shh, Darling. It's okay. You're okay." Her deep voice did little to calm the growing terror.
She tossed the book to the floor and moved lower on the pillows until we were face to face. I tried to sit up, but she held me tightly against her body. Tears leaked from my eyes, and my heart pounded furiously as I struggled in vain. She pressed her lips to my forehead when she felt my fight fading, and a painful sob heaved from my throat. I pressed my face to her chest and collapsed into her embrace. Just this once, I'd let her hold me, give her the upper hand. She silently pressed me into her, not bothering with fake promises of everything being okay. Luci didn't tell me how to feel or act but simply allowed me to be, to feel whatever I felt undeterred by judgment or outside influence. Finally, sleep claimed my mind, and I drifted into its depths gratefully.
CHAPTER 13
Hours later, I awoke alone. My head throbbed from the congested tension that followed violent crying, and I rubbed the tension from my temples. The clock near the bed told me that it was nearly 11 in the morning. The tantalizing scent of coffee tickled my nose, and I scanned the room for the wonderful liquid, finding a stainless steel thermos and a blueberry scone sitting on my desk near the door. I relaxed into the pillows behind me and smiled stupidly at the small breakfast offering. Luci always covered everything, always took care of me so well. I supposed she took her lessons to heart and protected those loyal to her first and foremost, despite her own personal bereavement.
The scent wafted over me again, and I practically jumped to the desk and popped the top on the thermos and sipped tentatively. It had cooled only slightly, enough to comfortably drink, and I sighed as the grip of my headache loosened. A note written in Luci's neat cursive had been beneath the thermos and now sported a round indent through the words. I snatched it up and poured more coffee into my mouth.
"Lauren Darling," I squinted at the note, trying to decipher the words and crossed the room to the windows. I unlatched the one with my cigarettes on the sill and lit up while juggling all of the things in my hands. The first smoky burn in my throat completely dissipated my headache, and I squinted at the note again.
"I could not born… bear to wake you. Please come to my study ounce… once you have worked… woken up a bit." I struggled through the loopy elegant cursive and took several puffs of my cigarette and swigs of coffee before I continued. "You have an unexpected visitor. Luci." My eyebrows knitted in confusion, but I felt no compulsion to go barreling down the stairs. The only visitor I feared had died in a fire last night. I pulled the last bit of tobacco smoke into my mouth and stubbed out the butt into my ashtray on the window sill, staring at Luci's note through the habitual motions.
I sipped from the thermos and pushed myself away from the window.
I replaced the note and thermos on the desk and dressed in my normal jeans and t-shirt, opting for my hiking boots instead of sneakers. When David was ready to work on clearing the brush and logs for the trail, I wanted to be prepared. I'm fairly certain Luci had not anticipated my desire to do all of the manual work personally, but she withheld all comments on the subject and returned all of her landscaping contacts to her desk, never to be seen again. I snatched my coffee and held the scone in my mouth as I opened the door and followed Luci's command.
Luci's silky blue lilt rose and fell gently from her study as I neared the entrance. I shoved the rest of the scone into my mouth and softened it to mush with coffee before entering. Luci sat in the wooden chair near the fireplace that faced the door and conversed quietly with my mystery guest. Her blue eyes glanced up at me when I strode into the room confidently, superficially prepared for whatever new crisis awaited me. I raised my eyebrow in question but remained silent. I had not expected Ashley's head to peep around the high back of the chair.
"Hey." She offered cautiously. I hadn't seen her since my argument with Stephanie, and I wasn't sure how I felt about her being here now.
"Hey," I answered, uncertain how to proceed. Ashley stood.
"Look, I know things were tense between us last time we saw each other, but I miss you and I still care about you a lot and I just want you to know that I'm here if you need anything," she gushed tritely and stared up at me with big puppy dog eyes that begged forgiveness. They used to work on me, when I believed she'd always had my back.
"Ash, what the hell are you doing here? You could have called to tell me that." My anger beat against my chest like a rushing flood, and Ashley's head bowed beneath the force.
"Luci came and got me this morning from Barb's. She said that you needed me, so here I am." She shrugged and looked up at me expectantly.
"I do apologize, Lauren. I hadn't realized your relationship was strained." Luci moved towards us but stopped in her tracks when I threw my hand up in her direction.
"How long have you been here?" My anger softened the longer I stared at her wide hopeful eyes, those eyes that had seen the best and worst of me. I'd changed so much over the past few months that I wondered how she still recognized me. I wasn't that scared little girl anymore. Luci taught me how to be strong, but I doubted Ashley differentiated the subtle transformation from the usual demeanor she'd known for years. I stood taller and smoothly connected one step to the next in a gentle sway of my hips, gliding rather than clomping about like a bore. Would she recognize me once I moved?
"An hour, maybe. Luci kept me occupied," she answered nonchalantly and waved her hand around the study. Her giddy smile told me that she expected nothing less or more than the girl I'd been, but I found no words to explain that I wasn't that person anymore.
"Okay." I nodded and offered my hand to her. She grasped it tightly.
"Well, c'mon. Give me the grand tour!" Every word, each movement was excited and energized and grated harshly against the inside of my skull. I was her a few months ago, oblivious to the control that could be exerted over my emotions and actions. I'd been her last night when I surrender control to Mattison's whim and accused Luci of killing my father. I wasn't that person anymore, and I immediately slid into the role expected of me.
"Of course. Luci, thank you for breakfast." I wiggled the thermos above Ashley's head. She nodded, and I steered Ashley towards the door.
"Oh, my bag!" Ashley spun out of my arm, trotted to the chair and pulled a black backpack from the floor, and I pulled a calming b
reath into my chest. She practically skipped out of the study and into the Great Hall, and I wanted to cleanse the space of her overexertion of energy. Had I ever been this excitable, this naïve to the power within myself?
"Where is your room?" She asked excitedly, scanning all of the wonders of the enormous room. "This place is bigger'n Daddy's new bull." I clenched my jaws.
"Upstairs." I led her up the steps quickly and straight to my room. Her jaw dropped in awe as she spun slowly in the middle of my room.
"Damn, girl! You got it made!" She giggled and flopped onto my bed on her back.
"I guess so," I agreed, too shocked by her presence for normal conversation.
"Luci's nice. Weird as hell, but nice," she continued, oblivious to my hesitation. I was happy that she'd come for me, but I couldn't help the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. I loved Ashley, but I didn't want her here. I didn't want my two utterly different worlds colliding like this.
"Yeah, she's great," I said distractedly and leaned against the window sill across the room and lit another cigarette. "I thought you said that you'd never come to this house?"
"Well, that was before… everything." I knew that she meant the incident with Stephanie and my father's untimely demise. "And I miss you, and Luci offered to pay my lost wages, and so here I am." She sat up and leaned back on her arms. Her forehead crinkled in thought as she studied me.
Just see me. A voice inside my mind whispered.
"Are you doin' okay? I mean, your dad was a hateful man, but he was still your dad."
"I think so. I have so many different feelings. I'm sad that it happened that way, but I… I don't know. I'm happy, I guess? Relieved." I confessed and sucked more smoke down my throat nervously. I poured more coffee into my mouth, hoping that the warm liquid disbanded the unease in my stomach. This was Ashley, I reminded myself. She'd seen me in far worst situations.
"Happy? Lauren, he was your dad. How can you be happy that he's dead?" The nagging feeling suddenly made sense to me. She didn't understand, not like Luci had, and I knew it from the second I realized she was here.
"I don't know, Ash. It's just how I feel, okay." I stubbed out the butt and pulled another out of the pack and lit it. I didn't usually chain smoke, but the headache from earlier gripped my temples as my stress levels rose.
"Okay," she whispered and stared at the floor. "Umm, how's that other thing?" I raised my eyebrow at her vague question and waited. "You know, the being with another woman thing that you wanted to talk to me about."
"Oh, uh, it's coming along, I think." I wanted desperately to reconnect with Ashley, but something held me back. It was different. I was different. I'd changed while she'd remained the same. I didn't love her any less, but she simply fit into a different puzzle. There was no room left for her in my heart, not when I knew the baggage she would lubricate and shove down my throat.
"Kissed her yet?" My head jerked at the unexpected question.
"Who?"
"Luci. Who else would I be talkin' 'bout?" She stared at me with wide brown eyes, and I shook my head.
"I'm sorry, Ash. I don't think I'm quite awake yet. No, I haven't kissed her." I thought of Mattison's skilled lips and shivered. If Luci hadn't walked in last night, I'm not sure if I would have had the willpower to stop Mattie a second time.
"Well, that's good," she said firmly, disapproval evident in her eyes. I crossed my arms and prepared to delve into my defense of homosexuals that I'd repeated a thousand times to the religious bigots surrounding me in this town, but Ashley held up her hand in placation, stopping the rant that she'd heard many times. "That's not what I meant. I'm totally with you about the gay thing. I personally don't get it, but whatever melts your butter, right?" She sat up and pulled a manila folder from her pack and held it out to me as she spoke.
"What's that?" I pushed myself off the window seal and retrieved the folder.
"Don't be mad, okay. I just wanted to make sure that you were safe, so I had my brother do a background check on Luci." I threw the folder on the bed and stepped back like folder contained a coiled Copperhead.
"Ashley, that's illegal. Take it back! Now! Not to mention, your brother just finally got into the department last year. Why would you ask him to risk his job like that?" Rage swam in my chest. How dared she invade Luci's privacy like that? Luci was a very private woman, even with me.
"Oh come on, Lauren. The entire sheriff's department practically scrambled to look her up when she inherited this place. You know how nosy people are. Bobby's fine." Ashley countered, and I cocked my head to the side.
"Inherited? Luci didn't inherit Carver. She bought it." I corrected, but Ashley shook her head.
"It's in the file. Just read it, okay. It's weird and freaky, just like her. According to her record, she didn't exist until like fifteen years ago." I grabbed Ashley's arm roughly. She easily rose to her feet, shocked by my anger.
"Look, I'm sorry, but I just wanted you to be safe, okay. I didn't mean to upset you, Lauren." The fear in her eyes calmed my rage only slightly but enough for me to release her and step back.
"Get out. And take that with you." I pointed to the file and brushed past her.
"Really? That's it. You're going to take her side? We've been friends for years, Lauren. What the hell is your problem?" Her voice turned cold and angry, but it didn't hold half a candle to the rage bubbling in my chest.
"Yes, I am. That woman has been to hell and back, and honestly, she seems to be the only friend I have right now," I defended the woman who held me through my confusing grief and relief last night and removed me from the situation that probably would have killed me. She had issues, but she was a good person, a brave person.
"I am sick and tired of this small town gossip bullshit. Luci is a good person. She's an amazing woman. You don't know her, and I'm not sure that you could appreciate her even if you did. Seriously, sneaking around behind her back, spreading lies and bullshit just because she is different? Jesus Christ!" I turned and threw a punch into the wall beside the door, and Ashley stepped back. I desperately sought for the control I'd learned over the past few weeks, but my frazzled emotions and the sudden colliding of my two worlds tipped me over the edge.
"The fucking sheriff was in here last night practically accusing me of murdering my own fucking father, and now you're here accusing the woman who held me together last night of what? Not being who she says she is? People change their names all the time, and the police department isn't exactly known for their thoroughness. They probably didn't even bother to look past that. Do you people ever fucking stop? I mean, really fucking stop and listen to yourselves? Luci helped me. Me! She risked the judgment of you vultures and my father's anger to save me. Why can't you just leave other people alone?"
"You don't know, do you?" She asked, genuinely shocked, and took another step away from me. I never thought I would live to see the day when Ashley backed away from me in fear, and I wasn't surprised to find apathy where I'd have found horror before at the mere thought.
"What are you talking about?"
"They're opening up an investigation. Sherriff Armentrout thinks someone killed him. Didn't Luci tell you? Bobby said that the sheriff talked to y'all last night."
"You have to be fucking kidding me. This is ridiculous. The goddamn drunk tries to make a fucking burger or something and catches his house on fire and the fucking police act like it is a fucking tragedy! But he can beat on me and Lilly and Mom for fucking years, and no one lifts one goddamn finger? Fuck all of you!" I wrenched my room door open and stomped onto the balcony.
"Get the fuck out and take that trash with you!" I called behind me when I reached the stairs. Luci stood with one heeled foot on the bottom stair as if she'd just been on her way up to investigate the yelling in her house. I shook my head and blew past her and out the front door. I needed to break something. My brisk stomps ate the ground between the house and the tool shed. I knew it would be unlocked because David never ran out of things
to fix or repair or restore in the vast mansion only rescued from disrepair a few months ago.
The door banged against the wall as I swung it open. I retrieved my leather work gloves and then searched for something to take the edge off of my boiling rage. I grabbed the chainsaw and hoisted it in one hand, heading for the entrance of my path. Luci's black car puffed dust up as it sped out of the driveway, and I assumed she had taken Ashley back to the diner.
I thumped the saw on the ground and stuck the toe of my boot in the handle to hold it in place while I started it. I jerked a few times in frustration and then lowered the choke before trying again. The chain sang as the motor roared to life, and I squeezed the trigger a few times before raising the choke. I gazed at the marked entrance for a moment, envisioning what the path would look like upon completion, and then cut a notch in the first tree hindering that vision.
It wasn't a huge tree, and David's saw cut through it like butter. It began its decent toward the yard where I'd cut the notch, and I cleared myself of the danger zone. The joints of my hands ached from the vibration of the saw and I shook them one at a time before I notched another tree. This one was bigger. My arms would not stretch around its diameter. My lips pulled back in feral determination as the saw chewed its way toward the center of the tree.
"Miss Lauren!" David yelled as he approached from the yard. He waved his arms frantically and I pulled the saw out of the tree and switched it off. "Get out of there!" He ordered, and I defiantly placed a hand on my hip. The saw dangled against my leg, the warm motor heating my jeans.
"I know what I'm doing, David. I grew up in sawmill country, West Virginia, remember?" He ran to me and grabbed the saw before throwing me bodily over his shoulder. I kicked and pounded his back with my fists, but only relinquished his grip after we moved into the center of the huge yard, away from the danger zone.
