by Jack Parker
"Luci, calm down. Do not take this out on Mattie," Emily commanded in a soothing but firm tone.
"How far did this progress?" Emily and Mattison found the floor particularly interesting, and Luci knew that her lover had just taken advantage of her adopted ward. She'd tasted the tang of Mattison's passion on her lover's lips. "Mattison, put your shirt on and get back to work." The girl's shaking hands pulled the soft cotton over her head and ran from the room simultaneously.
"Luci, please," Emily begged. Her short light brown hair fell into her face, but she made no move to replace it behind her ears as tears spilled from her eyes and tumbled onto her flushed cheeks.
Luci's vision darkened, and she grabbed Emily's throat. Her lover fell to the floor after a moment, and Luci straddled her thighs. When Emily ceased her struggle, Luci unbuttoned her slacks and slipped her hand inside. Emily whimpered and tore at Luci's arm but could not stop her lover. Luci hovered over Emily as she gasped and coughed, catching her breath, and claimed her one more time as her own. Months later, Luci returned to this moment every second and attempted to puzzle together the string of events and comfort herself with the knowledge that Emily had given consent, but she knew that any comfort she had taken was a lie. Emily stared up at Luci through the ordeal, fear rolling off of her in waves.
When Luci's anger subsided, she kissed Emily and whispered into her ear. "You pack your things, and get the hell out of my home. If you speak to her, call her, text her, initiate or respond to her contact in any way, I will make sure that only archeologists decades from now will be the ones to uncover your remains."
Then Luci pulled her fingers from between Emily's legs and wiped them on her former lover's pants before leaving her broken on the bedroom floor where they had spent many nights in a passionate embrace.
"Lauren?" Luci waited until my eyes refocused on her. My heartstrings pulled in my chest for what Luci had done to Emily, but as I watched the tortured expressions cross Luci's face, I realized that I didn't care. They'd hurt each other, and in a fit of rage, Luci had damaged herself far worse than Emily could have ever dreamed. That, perhaps, was the root of true regret because though Luci had meant to cause Emily harm, she'd caused much more within her own soul.
"You may ask me anything if what she said bothers you so terribly. I promise to answer as truthfully as I possibly can, and I assure you will find that you are not alone in horrible deeds." Her eyes watched me over the cup as she sipped the hot liquid. Her serenity unnerved me. If I had just discovered that someone close to me had an entire police file on me, I would have been irate with anger and betrayal, but her calmness made me wonder if she'd already known and had been waiting on me to confront her. Maybe she was simply being Luci. She valued honesty and initiative, and I had offered her that when I told her about the file. Perhaps she viewed my admission as a sign of trust and loyalty instead of treachery.
"Did you inherit Carver?" She sipped the tea and looked around her office. Her eyes lit up fondly as they slipped over every detail of the room. She'd expected questions about the rape of her former lover… because that's what it had been. I didn't care, I realized. She'd betrayed Luci in the worst way, not only with her infidelity but also by taking advantage of the girl she'd practically become a mother to. Mattison, I assume, had been a virgin at the time and also only 15. It changed things for me, in my mind. Perhaps, I only changed my view of the girl because I defended Luci against the heinous act she'd committed.
"I did." She smiled affectionately at the thought and returned her eyes to mine. "It's been a dream of mine since I was a child and realized that the estate would one day become my own."
"Why did you let me think that you bought it?" I wasn't angry at her omission but intrigued. She sighed and brushed her fingers across her forehead as she contemplated the question.
"I suppose neglecting the truth seemed an easier option than explaining my connection to the manor." One side of her mouth quirked into a sneer as an unpleasant memory played behind her eyes.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Everyone has secrets. Just be glad that you can hide yours." An image of Kevin-Corey-Caleb grabbing his crotch flashed through my mind, and I closed my eyes as if that would make it disappear.
"Are you referring to this afternoon's incident?" She queried gently, and I opened my eyes. I wanted her to rush around the desk and hug me tightly, whisper in my ear that everything would work out in my favor, but she didn't. She merely watched me with her kind light blue eyes and waited.
She was the most patient and understanding person I'd ever met. Barb had always been kind and supportive. I loved her dearly for that, but she never really understood why I felt the need to do what I did. No one had until Luci. She'd had the same conflicting emotions of relief and guilt and grief when her mother died. She had experienced uncontrollable anger and had felt the devastation and guilt after the anger had subsided. She had been a victim of the pain caused by the betrayal of those who were supposed to be most loyal, who were supposed to protect her no matter the personal cost.
I knew these were the real reasons why I had decided to live with and work for Luci. I refused to admit it to myself for weeks, but I needed Luci's warmth and understanding. Barb and Ashley offered me love and support, but they never understood. I may never have said the words aloud, but I had begged Luci to save me, and she had, still was. She knew exactly who I was and what the personal risk to herself was before she'd ever offered me a job, but she'd done it any way. She had waited patiently for the past month that I've lived with her to realize that, and now that I had, she still waited until I was ready to accept her help. I sighed.
"I made a lot of mistakes. I always knew how it would end, but I couldn't stop myself. Even when I don't mean to, it happens." I snorted in disgust with myself.
"Do you know what I was doing when you came to my room?" I waited for her to respond; she didn't. "I was getting ready to read that stupid file and blackmail you for money. When I'm here at the mansion, it's easy to forget who I am and the things I did. I've destroyed lives, marriages, and having those people here just reminded me that it doesn't matter where I go because I still did those things. I just couldn't stop. It was the only time I ever really felt like I had control over my life."
I propped my elbow on my desk and cradled my forehead in my hand. Luci's boots echoed around the room and her desk chair rumbled quietly as she moved to my side. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see the disgust on her face at my confession. I couldn't bear losing her like I'd lost Barb and Ashley. No matter how terrifying Luci could be when she lost control of her anger, she was my anchor, the only tether I had left to this world. If she abandoned me now, I'd have no reason to live, no purpose. Her warm hand touched my knee, and I tensed.
"Why did you stop yourself? There are plenty of things for which I would eagerly pay you in return for your silence." There it was. I could have been on my way to anywhere by now with a pocket full of cash, but I was sitting here instead, pouring my heart out to the last person I ever had to take advantage of in order to escape this place.
"I don't know." My answer was honest. I have analyzed and pondered and agonized over what exactly my attachment to Luci and this house meant and why I felt such an undying loyalty towards the woman I had only intended to use and discard to no avail. A ragged breath shook my chest, and I sniffled as a tear slipped down my cheek.
"It's okay, Lauren. I'm not angry with you. I, perhaps better than most, understand the ever-present desire to escape your past and your mistakes." She tucked an errant strand of hair behind my ear and rested her hand on my neck. Her thumb traced my jaw line and I tensed again. Every time she touched me, I shivered and shuddered and felt all of my pain slip away under her warm fingertips.
"Stop, please." She pulled her hand away abruptly, and all of my agony rushed back so quickly that I nearly cried out from the shock.
"I'm sorry, Lauren." She felt rejected because of my words, and my ches
t burned with the ache of bringing more pain in the face of her kindness.
"Don't be sorry." I raised my head and wiped the back of my hand under my nose. "It's just that… I don't know. When you touch me, it's like you make me feel okay, and I just can't handle that right now." Her eyes widened in surprise, and her hand twitched like she'd squashed the urge to reach out to me again.
"Is that why you reacted so violently after we danced?" My eyebrows pulled together as that day came rushing back to me.
"Maybe. I don't know." I'd slammed her against a wall that day. I could have seriously injured her, but she'd forgiven me instantly, concerned only with my well-being. Even now, she only sought to understand my conflicted and complex emotions without an ounce of judgment or anger. My face dropped towards the desk as my eyes slipped shut once more. Luci was too good for me, way out of my league as a boss and friend.
"Lauren?" Her hand found my neck again, and I fought the urge to lash out because of the contact. Luci undid my senses in a single touch, and knowing what caused my reaction didn't lessen the intensity.
"Look at me, Lauren." I obeyed. Those icy blue orbs shone with kindness, and I felt sorry for her. How could someone become so lonely as to actively seek my company, even after I'd lied to them for months?
"If you wish for me to discontinue our physical relationship, I will comply with your request. However, allow me to state that I do not believe this is what you truly want. I believe that you are simply afraid because you have failed to this point to create a genuine and lasting bond with another human being, but ultimately this decision is solely yours to make. I just want you to remember that I shall be here as long as you need me. If you feel that you need to leave Carver completely, I will not convince you otherwise. If money is the only reason you stay, then I will give you enough to start you off in another life and hope that you will return to me."
She grabbed one of my hands with her free one and pulled our chairs as close as they would fit. "But if you have decided to stay for purer purposes, then allow me to help you. Allow me to love you."
Tears stung the back of my throat. Her eyes told me that she was sincere in her intentions. I wasn't a plaything or something to fill the void of loneliness in Luci's life. She genuinely cared for me, maybe even loved me. She'd never once touched me inappropriately or asked me for sex. She was different. Everyone had an ulterior motive. With men, it was usually sex; with women, it was usually a mixture of making themselves feel better by comparison or necessity, like with Ashley. With Luci, she was only asking me to be true to myself and hoping that meant loyalty to her. I'd never met anyone I trusted implicitly, never believed I was worth it, then there was her. She changed everything. My world felt right when she was at my side. Maybe she felt the same way about me? I owed it to both of us to see it to its end.
"I'm scared," I admitted, my voice small and strained. Every instinct that I'd honed over the years told me to run, to shut my mouth and get out while I had the opportunity, but Luci's kind eyes were stronger than the fear.
"Me too."
I lost it. Tears streamed steadily down my cheeks, and when Luci pulled me to my feet and into her arms, I offered no resistance. Years of loneliness and pain poured onto that ridiculous plaid shirt Luci still wore, and I let them. I let her see me, ugliness, brokenness, everything. Every shred of guilt I'd ever felt flowed from my eyes and onto her shirt. Every decision I regretted, every ounce of fear became hers as the wetness soaked through the fabric and onto her skin, and she accepted them eagerly. She never let go, never loosened her grip around my waist. Her other hand never slowed the repetitive and soothing motion of smoothing my hair as she cradled my head against her collarbone. She was there, with me and for me, and I was hers.
Slowly, the flow of liquid trickled to a stop, and nothing but a quiet swoosh of Luci petting my hair filled the room. I tried to open my eyes, but they stung from the exertion of too many tears being shed at once and slipped shut. Luci's hand stilled as her grip about my waist relaxed, and we settled into a comfortable embrace. I realized that my hands were gripping the sides of her shirt painfully and forced them to rest against her hips. A slight panic rose in my chest, and I ignored it consciously. Luci would never harm me; I had no reason to fear her embrace. I was allowed to simply be physically near someone with no sexual strings attached.
"Feeling better, Darling?" Luci whispered when she felt my death grip on her shirt loosen. I nodded into her neck, not trusting my voice to answer her question.
I opened my eyes again, surprised to find the room dimly lit by only the small lamp Luci used when she worked at her desk in the evenings. I pulled back slightly but made no move to leave her arms. Half of her porcelain face glowed in the dull light while the other half was shrouded in darkness. The effect only heightened her beauty, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. She was stunning. She was smart and loyal and kind. And she wanted me. A knock at her door startled me, but she tightened her grip on my waist as unwilling to leave the embrace as I was. She cleared her throat and looked towards the door.
"Yes?" Mattison's head peeked around the door, and her nose crinkled as she looked around the darkness. Her eyes finally settled on us, but I could not read her expression from across the room in this light.
"Berta wanted me to tell you that the tower is prepared."
"Thank you, Mattison. You are welcome to join us if you wish," Luci offered sincerely, and I wondered for what exactly the tower had been prepared.
"Really? That would be awesome." The excitement in the young girl's voice told me that whatever surprise Luci had planned would indeed be enjoyable. I watched Luci's face as she observed Mattison's reaction. She was amused. Despite all that had happened between them, Luci seemed to feel genuine affection for the girl.
"Off you go, Mattie. We shall rejoin you at the tower." Luci turned her eyes back to mine, and we listened to Mattison's retreating footsteps. "Shall we go, Darling?" I heard the unspoken question in her words. She was asking if I was mentally and emotionally ready to leave her embrace, this room, and face the rest of the house, reality.
"Just one more minute," I answered honestly and lowered my head to her collarbone. Her shirt was damp and cold from my previous tears. I switched sides and nuzzled into her warm neck. Luci's skin was always so warm and comforting. My hands shook as the panic eclipsed my mind, and she smoothed her hand over my hair once more.
"You're all right, Love. Have you never been held before?" Her blue silk voice soothed my anxiety, and the knot in my chest loosened.
"Not like this, not until you held me the night my father died. After I had sex with someone, we usually laid like this for a few minutes, but I never really felt anything. Maybe that's why I never stayed." Luci smiled against my forehead and then pressed a kiss there.
"Well, I do hope that has begun to change," she whispered, and I pulled back to search her eyes in the dim room.
"It doesn't bother you? My past, the things I've done? I've never really talked about it before. People just sort of ignored it or pretended that it never happened. Most people don't actually talk about it. They just glare, mostly." I wanted her to say that it did. I wanted her to tell me that I was disgusting, a monster. She didn't.
"I'm not at all concerned about the decisions you've made. We've all done things for which we are ashamed, but you shouldn't feel such guilt for releasing people from their social bonds. You inspire passion, desire, and help others unleash that within themselves. That is certainly nothing to hide or apologize for, Darling. It's a rare gift, as are you." She paused and searched my eyes. I thought she might kiss me, but she sighed and brushed my hair back once more.
"I would beg something of you, however." She hesitated, and I tightened my grip on her slim hips, afraid she would pull away from me.
"Anything," I encouraged, impatiently awaiting her request.
"If you wish to leave, allow me to help you. Stop thoughts of this blackmailing nonsense. I will neither stop
nor blame you if I or your town has begun suffocating you. Often times, we are brushed aside and denigrated because those surrounding us are too small of mind to see the beauty in our oddities, but I see you. Your beauty and your flaws, everything that makes you uniquely you, and I hope to never bade your presence good-bye. But if you want to go, I will help you leave."
"Luci, I don't want to leave." The sadness that had pulled on her face lightened, and I smiled shyly at the amazing woman in my arms.
"I honestly don't know if I ever did. I just get so scared sometimes. Everything is new to me now, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm not real good at the emotion thing, and you make me feel so many things. That terrifies me, so I promise not to run if you promise to be patient with me."
"I do believe I can agree to that arrangement. You may take as much or as little time as you wish without fear that I am growing bored or irritated with your antics." I smiled and stepped away from her. My hand moved from her hip to her hand, and she did not pull away or tense at the motion. I knew that physical contact wore on her anxiety similarly to my own, but perhaps we could find solace in the budding trust we shared.
"So, what's up on the tower?" I asked, finding the subject easily. It surprised me. After sharing such an emotional moment, after being so vulnerable in front of another human being, I hadn't expected to feel so comfortable, but Luci had judged nothing, simply listened and held me up when I should have fallen. She hadn't left me, and she didn't think less of me after the fact.
She smirked and remained silent. When I reached the top, I nearly lost my footing on the ladder. Three small kerosene lamps shaped like vases lit the small space of the tower. I smelled a sweet tomato sauce but could not find the source. A small silver platter of chocolate covered strawberries and pineapples sat in the center of a blanket along with a shiny silver wine bucket full of ice. I couldn't tell exactly what was inside, but I assumed it was wine or champagne. A wicker picnic basket sat at the edge of the blanket.
