by Jack Parker
"If that's how you say thank you, remind me to help you out more often." He attempted to soothe the tension that had surrounded us and laughed nervously. I raised my eyebrows and pulled my shirt over my head.
"I don't usually sleep with men more than once." I smirked when his eyes widened in surprise.
"You should go, Jason." I fell into the tan suede side chair and propped my feet on the wooden coffee table. He sat up and scratched his fingers through his short blonde hair before pulling his boxers and work slacks on.
"I'm sorry. I don't get this reaction from most girls. Sorry if it sucked." His blue eyes were genuinely concerned, and I looked away from them. Kind blue eyes were dangerous. I focused on his tall lean torso and solid chest. He was too tall, shoulders too broad. I sighed. I felt so empty.
"It's not you. Trust me." My voice sounded so hollow, so foreign. He scratched the back of his neck and chuckled nervously.
"Bad break up?"
"Something like that." I waved my hand dismissively and stood. I headed towards the bathroom. I wanted to wash him off me, his scent, his essence. I wanted him gone.
"Why don't you tell me about it?" His words were rushed, desperate almost. I turned towards him and crossed my arms over my chest, holding myself together, which seemed impossible wearing only panties and a short t-shirt.
"Jason, my life is far too screwed up for you to get caught up in." He sat on the couch, patted the cushion beside him, and then leaned his elbows onto his knees.
"What was his name?" I rolled my eyes and slumped into the corner of the sofa, knees pulled to my chest, ankles corssed. He smiled patiently. I stared at the pattern on the white textured ceiling and tried to find the right words to explain my situation without relaying any factual details that could be used against Luci later.
"Luci. Her name is Luci." His eyebrows rose in surprise, but he remained silent. "She was… is amazing, but she did something really bad, unforgivable." I sat cross-legged and leaned towards him, allowing my dams to break. "Have you ever met someone who made you feel alive, not just happy, but made you aware of every fiber of your being, every molecule. But you knew, from the very start, that they would… I don't know. You knew that it would end badly, but you were so… enthralled that you got involved anyway." I wanted him to understand. I needed to know that I wasn't alone.
He smiled and ducked his head. "I know what you're talking about." He turned his eyes shyly to mine. "I got that feeling when you walked into the lobby three nights ago. Not that that helps you any."
"I have that effect on people." It wasn't his fault, and he shouldn't be a target for my pain and anger for telling me the truth. "She had that effect on me, and the thing is, I really don't care. This… thing that she did, I know it's wrong, and I don't care. I left her because I was scared, and my sister needs me right now. That's why I'm in Baltimore, but if I could do it all over again…"
"You'd stay." He finished for me, and I nodded. "I get it. So, what's up with your sister?" I sighed and leaned into the corner of the couch again. Jason wasn't so bad. He was safe, normal, just a guy.
"She's an addict. I just found out. She ran away from home almost six years ago. She came back for our father's funeral. I don't know how to help her." I scrubbed my hands across my face in frustration. Jason bit his lip, searching for words of comfort.
"I'm sorry about your dad."
I snorted. "Don't be." I held up my hand to stop his questions. "Another story for another day." He leaned back and waited for me to continue. He really was a nice guy.
"So, that's all about Lauren in all her glory." I tried to joke, but it only sounded depreciating.
"We're all messed up in our own way. It's the human condition." I considered his words of wisdom as my eyelids grew heavy. A weight had lifted from my chest, and I felt like I could breathe again. I hadn't meant to throw all of my emotional baggage on him, but he'd taken the weight in stride and hadn't run from the house screaming.
"I'm going back to bed." I smiled over at him. "If you want to nap before class, I can take the couch." If I'd uttered the truth, I would have told him that I hadn't wanted to be alone, which is why I'd brought him to the condo with me rather than just getting directions.
"Nah, there's a spare room." He smiled. "I'll stay with you for a while if you want." He pushed himself off the couch and offered me his hand. I took it.
"I'm off tomorrow." He said suddenly. "If you want, I can show you around the city. Maybe get some ice cream."
"I'd like that, Jason. Thanks." He leaned in and kissed my forehead, and just for a second I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that I was back in Luci's study with her lips on my skin. He wasn't her, but he would do.
I woke up screaming. Jason was at my side almost instantly, his concerned eyes hovering just above mine. I lashed out, believing for a moment that Luci had found me. Damn his blue eyes. He held his hands up and back away from the bed immediately, and I threw the blankets back and stood. His forehead bunched in confusion when I pushed my panties over my hips and pulled my shirt over my head.
"Get a condom," I ordered, and he disappeared from the room with hurried steps.
I followed him to the spare room and sank to my knees in front of him as he fumbled in the nightstand for protection. He sighed when I took him into my mouth. He hardened almost instantly, and I reached for packet in his hand. When it was in place, I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. He was a strong guy, and I didn't weight that much. He could handle it. His eyes widened in surprise, and he smiled when he backed me into a wall and then entered me. I wanted desperately to feel something, anything, to prove that Luci had been wrong, but as he slammed roughly into me over and over, I knew she was right.
"Harder," I commanded and lowered one of my feet to the floor so that I could hold myself up, and he complied. At least I still felt pain. He finished with a grunt and slumped against me, using the wall for support. He wasn't Luci.
"Damn, Lauren," he whispered into my ear, his breath hot and sticky against my cheek.
"Get off me." I pushed him aside and started for the door. That had been a colossal waste of my time.
"Are you okay?" I froze and considered his question. Was I okay? No, I most definitely wasn't okay. He wasn't Luci. I forced a smile to my face and glanced over my shoulder.
"Thanks for the ride. We should do it again soon." And we did.
Jason wasn't Luci, but at least I wasn't alone.
We quickly fell into a routine. Every Monday and Thursday, Jason visited me, and most nights ended with sex and then talking. I hoped every time he slipped inside me that I felt something, anything, but I never did. He pretended not to notice, but I knew my lack of emotion bothered him. After the third week of meaningless sex, he told me that he wanted it to stop. I agreed. We continued talking, but our physical relationship ceased. Mondays and Thursday became movie and ice cream and Chinese take-out nights. Apparently, he'd grown up with five older sisters and knew how to hang out with girls better than guys, his words, not mine.
I visited Lilly every day, but the longer we stayed in Baltimore, the further away we grew. It'd been six weeks since we'd left West Virginia, and the woman I'd followed resembled nothing of my little sister. I made her breakfast every morning and sat with her until she began coming back to me, but by afternoon, she needed another fix, another hit. She called Andre, and he came running. They disappeared into her bedroom for an hour or so, and when she returned to her tiny living room, my little sister was gone again. It ate my soul to watch.
"Why are you doing this?" I cornered Andre in the kitchen. My anger had finally spewed over the brim, and I lost control.
"Hey baby, I just give her what she wants." I ignored the endearment and wrapped my hand angrily around my hips to keep from punching him.
"You think she wants to be a freakin' zombie?" He was about my height, and I was glad that I didn't have to look up in order to glare into his eyes. His tanned skin redde
ned slightly, and he brushed his thumb and forefinger over his thin black goatee. He took a few steps towards me, and I fought the urge to back away from his disgusting leer. Luci's words flashed into my thoughts. Do not underestimate your opponent, no matter who they may be.
"I think she wants to have an ass like yours again." He reached around my and grabbed my ass. It happened so quickly that I hadn't a chance to stop him. Rage flared in my chest. I wind milled my arm over his and hooked it underneath between his shoulder and elbow and jerked my body to the side. His body flew forward, but his arm was effectively pinned between my hips and the pressure from my arm. His forehead smacked the counter, and I felt a satisfied smirk spread across my lips.
"I think she wants you to leave her the hell alone. Got me?" I seethed into his ear.
He struggled and punched at me with his free arm but failed to reach me in his current position. He slipped into his pocket and pulled out a knife, which flew open with a click of a button. Panic filled my chest, and I clamped down tighter on his arm. I jerked our bodies forward and crashed his head into the counter again. He wavered, and I used his body weight as momentum when I turned again and led him into the wall beside the refrigerator. I grabbed his wrist as I spun away from his arm and wrenched it behind his. He stabbed at me again, and I easily dodged the awkward attempt and pinned the knife behind his back.
"I asked you if you got me?" I jerked up on his arm, and the knife fell easily into my waiting hand. He released a long line of profanity, and I pressed the knife to the side of his neck. He fell silent. Lilly screamed at me from the living room to stop. I stared at her for a long time. She was right. I needed to stop. I stuck the knife in my back pocket, slammed his head into the wall, and left without looking back.
I hadn't seen my sister in two days since that incident. I figured it was best not to return to her apartment until Andre had had a chance to calm down, until I had a chance to collect my thoughts. That pathetic excuse of a man held some sort of power over my baby sister, and I vowed to break his control if it was the last thing I did.
When I wasn't with Lilly, I stayed near the condo mostly, had food delivered, and kept a detailed record of every cent I spent. I'd barely dented the money Luci had loaded me, with plenty of time to figure out my next move.
Eventually, I became comfortable. Jason visited every week like clockwork. I learned the safe parts of the city and the unsafe parts, which were about half a block from the safe parts. Jason gave implicit instructions on where I should and shouldn't go if I wanted to stay safe. I learned how to properly utilize crosswalks and ATM machines. It wasn't West Virginia, at least the part I haled from. I walked anywhere I wanted at any time during the day or night in Carver and never once feared for my safety, but Baltimore frightened me, though I'd never admit it aloud.
Time passed slowly. I missed the ragtag family at the manor. I missed the crickets singing at night and birds chirping during the day. I missed Berta's scones and David's drawling baritone and Mattie's ridiculous pounding music. I missed the stars and the moon and watching the clear sunrises. Mostly, I consciously thought about all of the things I missed because I refused to think about how much I missed her. I ached in a way I never dreamed possible. My hands felt useless, my brain dysfunctional. Without Luci, I truly had no purpose, no thoughts, no drive. She'd manipulated me until my very existence and sanity depended on her presence, just as she'd done David and Mattie and whoever else she may have stuffed in her back pocket.
After a few weeks, however, I awoke without that painful hole in my chest when I realized I wasn't at Carver manor anymore. Sure, I still missed it, but the tight fist that clenched my chest and suffocated me every morning, every minute, slowly loosened. I was me again. Just Lauren. Occasionally, in a moment of weakness, Luci's silky blue voice slipped up my spine, and I searched the apartment for the source, but she resided only in my head. Only a memory. A ghost, my ghost, the ghost of what I could have been. Her life made far too much sense. Some people should never have been born, but they still had families, right? Mothers and brothers and children?
That thought filled my thoughts most days as I roamed around the condo in search of something to occupy my mind, my hands. I needed something to fill the void in my chest, to soothe the burning anger that never died down long enough for me to catch my breath properly. Everything blended together, Lilly and Andre and learning the workings of a new city and Jason and the passage of time itself. They all blended together, like someone else experienced them and then told me all the details so vividly that I conjured the images in my mind. The past six weeks were a jumbled mess. Perhaps they meant nothing and everything at the same time because I'd felt nothing since that night at the gas station when I'd discovered Lilly's addiction. No emotion linked me to the images that kept replaying over and over in my mind, none except one. That image had been saved deep in the recesses of my mind, taken out only when I felt myself becoming a black hole preparing to implode upon myself. Luci. Her brilliant smile when she first saw the beauty of my hidden cove, her head thrown back in blissful passion, the mischief in her eyes when she made me trip over my words.
I felt it already. This was going to be a bad day. The moment I woke up I sensed it because I had to force my body out of bed when all I wanted was to lay there and die. Days like these almost made me pick up the phone and call Carver, just to hear that silky voice on the other end. During those moments, I sought affirmation that we weren't dreaming, that we had actually fallen in love, no matter how unconventional it seemed to society. But I laid there until the sting became manageable and then pulled my uncooperative body to my feet and continued to breathe.
My doorbell rang, startling me from the vortex of Luci memories that eclipsed my mind as I watched coffee drip into the carafe without actually seeing the droplets. I still had no concept of how to function without her at my side, not really. Was this what a broken heart felt like? I checked the peephole before I flung the door open. Lilly stood outside in the cool September air and shivered on the walkway. A spark of something lit in my chest, and I sucked a lungful of crisp autumn air. It wasn't fresh like the clean air in the mountains, but it calmed me as I stepped aside and ushered my sister into the sitting room.
I tossed a throw blanket around her shoulders as she sat and kneeled in front of her. Her teeth chattered, but her eyes were determined. She looked terrible, like she hadn't slept since I left her apartment, but that glimmer of fight in her eyes gave me hope. My little sister had come back to me.
"Help me," she stuttered through her clicking teeth. I rubbed her arms to generate friction heat.
"I am. You're freezing." She slapped my hands away and shrugged the blanket from her shoulders.
"It's not from the cold." Her body shook, and she fell into the sofa cushion with a whimper, face contorted in pain. She was going through withdrawal.
"I told him to leave, but he won't." She shrieked as a particularly violent shudder seized her body. I smoothed her hair from her eyes and waited. I'd never seen anyone experience this before, but I'd heard it could be traumatizing.
"I told him no, Lauren." Tears leaked from her eyes and dripped into her ears, but she made no move to catch them.
"Shhh, it's okay. You're safe here." She slapped my hands away again and sat up by the sheer strength of her will.
"He got me hooked." Her hands balled into fists as another spasm tore through her body. "He got me hooked. He would only buy it for me if I… fucked whoever he wanted. Clients he called them. A fancy fucking word for perverts." I sat back and leaned against the coffee table.
"Your boyfriend is your pimp?" The question was rhetorical, merely a thought spoken aloud, but she grabbed my shoulders and pressed her face close to mine.
"Help me, damn it!" She threw herself back onto the sofa and groaned against the pain.
"I don't know what to do. I've never seen withdrawal before!" Panic rose in my chest, fear. The first genuine emotion I'd felt since I'd left Luci.
"Don't worry about that." Her eyes were clear as she spoke, like she needed me to see that she would survive. "I've done this before. I need you to help me get away from him." Her bright green eyes pleaded with me, my eyes, our mother's.
I crossed the room to the desk where I'd set up the laptop computer that Mattie gave me before I left. I'd plugged it in, but hadn't turned it on yet, afraid to remember. I wasn't afraid anymore. Everything seemed so clear, so perfectly clear. I clicked on the Internet icon on the desktop without hesitation when the computer beeped to life. My sister had come back to me. Protect those loyal to you no matter the cost. Luci's first lesson trickled into my mind, and I opened my email. I ignored the messages from Mattison and clicked on the compose button.
I quickly typed in the address to the condo but hesitated. What could I say that would rectify the situation? Luci had the means to help Lilly. She could have her transferred to a clinic and then help her change her name, her identity. We could disappear together. The message was so simple. I refused to acknowledge the darker thoughts behind my sudden desire to trash all of the progress I'd made towards breaking Luci's hold on me. I knew why I brought her there, to do what she did best without ever getting caught.
"I need you." I clicked send and shut the computer. She would come. She always did.
CHAPTER 24
When I was three years old, I sat in a waiting room in the hospital for hours and watched the second hand on the clock tick. A nice nurse with grey hair gave me a candy bar and flipped the television channel until she found cartoons, but I ignored them. For months I had helped Mom prepare for the birth of my baby sister, and she was coming. I wanted to be in the delivery room, but the doctor told me that my mother needed to concentrate right now. So, I waited, tapped my heels on the metal chair legs, and watched the seconds tick away on the white plastic clock across the room while my parents focused on giving me a baby sister. I felt strange, calm. Usually, I squirmed by the end of dinner and bolted outside or to my room to expel the excess energy that had built up while I was stationary, but today I felt calm. I glanced over at Barb snoring in the chair beside me. She'd offered to keep an eye on me while my parents brought my little sister into the world and had resigned herself to that chair once she realized that I would not leave the hospital.
