by S. Moose
I put all the pancakes on a plate and throw in the sausage and bacon on a cooking pan. I set the oven for three hundred and fifty degrees, put the pan in, set the timer and go back to my sister. “Everything happens for a reason.” I touch her shoulder and watch as she places her head on the table.
“You always say that!”
I watch the internal struggle and pain that seems to be consuming her. She’s trying to keep it together and not lose her mind but the look in her eyes tells me she’s confused and broken. I give her a kiss on her head, “Because it’s true. Now go wash up. Change into something comfortable and come eat breakfast with us.”
We all sit at the table as Lucas explains what he wants to do today. “Mama! Aunt Heather! Can we please do something today?”
I cut the pancake before taking a bite, “Sweetie it’s going to rain today and tomorrow you have school. Let’s get some homework done.”
“I can help him A,” Heather chimes in with a mouth full of pancake and bacon. “Don’t you have a hot lunch date or something?”
“Had.” I stop eating and look down. Dating and I didn’t get along. I can’t find anyone in this town. Either someone is married, gay or attached. All the teachers at my school are not for me. I’m turning twenty-eight this year and have only been with one guy. How is that even possible? Heather tries to set me up with dates but no one wants to date a single mother of one. I see Heather looking back at me, waiting for answer. “When I mentioned Lucas, he decided to be sick and cancel.”
“Well sucks to be him then,” Heather exclaims. “Don’t worry A, you’ll find him soon,” she grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.
“I hope so.”
Heather gets up and helps me get breakfast ready. “Hey,” she starts to say, touching my arm. “You’ll find someone soon Abigail.”
I shake my head and look away from her. “I um. I’m fine, trust me.”
Heather plays with her food. “Have you tried looking up Ryan’s information?”
Lately, I’ve been trying to search for Ryan and find out where he is. I want to tell him about his son and see him again. It’s not fair that Lucas is living without his Ryan and he deserves to know the truth. I do still love him and I know it’s not his fault, but he should’ve tried to look for his son and me. I spent so many years trying to find him but it was useless. Ryan isn’t anywhere to be found. His number changed and I can’t call his parents; they hate me and they don’t deserve to know about Lucas, their grandson.
“No,” I shake my head, eating my pancakes. “I’m giving up.” My voice starts breaking and I put down my fork. It’s easier said than done but I need to move on. I can’t keep wishing Ryan will find us and we’ll be a family.
She brings me in for a hug as I let out a heavy sigh. One day it’ll be easier to say his name without falling apart. After a few minutes, I wipe my tears and we go into the dining room to enjoy breakfast. As a family.
Heather agrees to stay with Lucas so I can go out for a run. It feels good to be outside. I see couples with their children outside, laughing and smiling. I wave to them but the feeling of loneliness eats away at me. I love being a mom and sister but I miss that feeling of being in someone’s arms and the feel of being wanted. It seems as though single mothers are not on the radar of some men. I’m pretty, well at least I think so. I have a nice and curvy figure and I stay in shape. I don’t have a tight stomach but I work hard to stay healthy.
Ugh, what if I stay alone forever.
I grimace at the thought and keep running. There is someone out there for me. I know there is. There has to be. Sighing, I shake my head and just focus on my breathing. In one, two, three and out one, two, three.
Yeah this isn’t working. I stop running and decide to walk. I hate this feeling of defeat. More couples laughing and smiling. I look at them and feel a surge of jealousy. I envy happy couples. I do not want to be alone. I fight the tears and turn up my music.
I can make it through today. I have to for Lucas.
Chapter 3
Jacob
When I wake up from another sleepless night, I stare up at the ceiling and wonder about my life. Since losing Katherine, sleep doesn’t come easily to me. I’m lucky if I get four hours of sleep but even that’s a challenge. The constant tossing and turning and waking up to see an empty side still breaks me. I don’t want to feel lonely but I also can’t seem to move on and be with someone. The women in my life don’t deserve my heart or love. I’m damaged and fucked up. Who wants to love someone who can’t feel or give love? I forgot how to love because I hate myself for the man I am.
During the years, I’ve managed to be on my own but it’s getting harder. Flashes of Katherine run through my mind as I think about her smile, her laugh and the way she would always show me how much she loved me. I see her around me as if she’s still here and it brings me peace knowing that she’s watching over me. She haunts my thoughts and holds on tight to my heart because I’m not ready to let go.
Ignoring the quietness of the room, I turn over and look at the empty space next to me. Her smell isn’t there anymore but I can’t seem to let her go. I rub my face and decide it’s time to get up and get ready for the day. I walk around my empty loft and feel the silence making its way into my heart and staying there. I touch the counter in the kitchen and turn on the coffee maker. Everything reminds me of Katherine.
She left me notes all over our loft telling me she loved me. Each morning, my coffee would be ready with sliced fruit in a bowl and the morning paper. Katherine always took care of me. Our love was magical and it brought us to places I never knew existed. Her kisses played in my mind. I missed her terribly and it was hard imagining how to move on and be happy. I used to be a good man, someone who cared about others. I was happy but losing Katherine took a large part of me.
I go through my empty loft like a robot. Get up. Shower. Get ready. Pick out what to wear. Make coffee. Read the paper. Drink coffee. Leave for the day. This is how my life is. Sometimes there will be woman in my life but they don’t mean anything to me; they’re just bodies to keep me warm and satisfied. It’s not hard to get a woman in bed with me. Hell, sometimes I’d have two. I find that not only great sex can keep a woman happy but jewelry as well.
It’s two in the afternoon when I finish getting ready. Since it’ll be a day at the zoo, I pick out a green polo and dark jeans. I look at myself in the mirror and see Katherine sitting on our bed. She smiles at me, “I hope you have fun today, Jacob. Remember to smile and give Mila a hug for me.” She blows me a kiss and disappears.
These visions of Katherine are getting stronger and vivid. What is she trying to tell me? I use to see her every so often but now it’s nearly two to three times a week. No one knows that I see my dead girlfriend around the loft and a part of me wants to keep it that way.
Hayden sends me a text to let me know the school’s been told I’ll be picking up Mila. Maybe spending the day with her will keep my mind off of Katherine and everything that’s going on. I text Gary and let him know he can take today off. I want to spend time one on one with Mila today. I take the keys to my black Audi from the counter and head out. The afternoon traffic is light in Columbia. My windows are down in my car allowing the spring air to flow through my car. I start to feel better as I look up at the clear blue sky. I come to the lights and make a right turn. I pull into the school parking lot and get out of the car. When I make my way to the office, I see the ladies smiling and looking at me. I flash them my smile and hear them giggling.
“Good afternoon darling,” I start to say. “I’m here to pick up Mila Greene.”
The older dark red haired secretary goes to her computer, “Are you Jacob Greene?”
I lean on the desk a little closer to her, “I am,” I look at her.
She blushes and turns back to her computer, “You can have a seat. I’ll get her for you right away sir.”
“Why thank you darling.” I give her a wink and sit down on the chair
in the office. Mila comes through the doors with her teacher. She gives Mila a hug and tells her to have a good weekend.
“You too Mrs. Dawson,” she squeaks.
When she sees me, she runs into my arms and throws her little arms around my neck. “Uncle Jacob! Uncle Jacob! You’re here! Daddy said you were going to pick me up today. I missed you.”
I hold her tighter and close my eyes. “I missed you too Mila. How are you?”
“Better now that you’re here.”
I put her down as we walk side by side. Her little hand grabs mine and it warms my heart. As we walk to my car, she tells me about her day. Apparently her best friend, Isabelle, broke up with her boyfriend James since he stole her chocolate milk. “Do you have a boyfriend Mila?” I hope she says no because I feel bad for any guy who tries to date Mila.
“No Uncle Jacob. Boys are icky! Gross!”
I smile to myself. “Good answer honey.” I open my door for her as she climbs into her car seat. My tiny four year old niece looks at me with excitement in her eyes as I buckle her in. “Alright baby girl, are you ready for today?”
She raises her hands in the air and yells. “Yes! I want to see the monkeys!”
We get to the zoo and Mila drags me around to every exhibit. She explains each animal to me and my heart starts to lighten as I listen to her little voice. When I’m with her, I forget about the anger I have inside of me and I allow myself to be happy. Mila’s hand is holding mine as we walk around the zoo for almost two hours before she tells me she’s hungry. I take her to the café area and we order pizzas, sodas and fries.
“Mila make sure you don’t tell anyone I got this for you okay?” Hayden and Logan strive on making sure that Mila eats healthy foods. Hayden will kill me if she finds out I feed Mila pizza and fries.
“Uncle Jacob, you know I can keep a secret,” she laughs.
I take the trays over to the table and cut her pizza in little pieces. We eat our lunch and she tells me what she wants to do next. There’s a tiger feeding show coming up in an hour and Mila bounces in her seat. She tells me she wants to watch the tigers eat and then feed the animals. I can’t figure out why a little girl would want to see that but I go with it. Today is her day and I want to make her happy. We finish up our lunch and I take her to the bathroom so she can wash her hands. I stand between the men and women’s restroom and can’t figure out which one to use. Not being able to figure it out, I walk over to a vending machine and buy a bottle of water.
“Uncle Jacob, I have to use the potty.”
Shit.
“Um okay honey. Hold on.” I look around but there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. I pick Mila up and take her to the women’s bathroom. “Okay go ahead. I’ll be here waiting for you.”
Mila runs to the stall while I stand by the sinks feeling weird being in here. I turn around and wash my hands in the sink but then a woman and her daughter come in the bathroom and stare at me.
“Sir this is the ladies room!” The woman pulls her daughter closer to her side.
“Oh I’m sorry. My niece had to use the bathroom and I wasn’t sure where to take her.”
The woman starts laughing, “Well, have a good day.”
The toilet flushes and Mila comes out of the stall. I help her up to the sink so she can wash her hands. We walk out of the bathroom, hand in hand. As we are walking to the tiger exhibit, I see a couple and their daughter walking near us. I can’t help but stare. They’re happy and I freeze. My mind goes back to when Katherine and I use to talk about having a family.
Katherine.
My heart starts breaking again but I shake my head as I take in a deep breath. “Pull yourself together Jacob,” I whisper to myself.
We sit close to the exhibit on a bench. There are families with their children all over. I look down and can’t shake off this feeling of loneliness. I’m twenty-eight years old and what do I have to show for? I have a great and successful company. My family is supportive and my health is good, but I want more in this life.
The show starts and the crowd claps when the zookeeper comes out and explains the life of a tiger. I can’t believe she’s in a field with a wild tiger. My eyes don’t look away and I’m fascinated to see what happens next. Mila sits on my lap and watches the show in silence.
Afterwards, we walk to the other exhibits and look at the animals. We feed the zebras and elephants. Mila’s laughs make me smile. The cool afternoon air feels nice. The sun is starting to go down as I look at my watch, four thirty. Mila and I sit on the bench looking at the monkeys. I sit down and put my arm around her. “Having fun Mila?”
She looks up with a smile on her face. “Oh yes Uncle Jacob. This is one of the best days ever but don’t tell Mommy and Daddy.”
I start laughing and give her a kiss on her head. We sit on the bench for a few more minutes before getting up to look at the other exhibits.
After another hour, I carry Mila out of the zoo as she rests her sleepy head on my shoulder. “Tired Princess?”
Mila starts yawning and shakes her head. “No, I’m not tired.”
We make it back to my car and as I get her in her car seat, she’s passed out and lightly snoring. I brush her hair from her eyes and make sure she’s safely in. I get in the car and start driving to her house. It’s a little after eight in the evening when I make it to their house. Hayden comes out smiling. She takes me into her arms, squeezing me tight. “Hey handsome. Have fun today?”
I hold her tighter and nod my head. Hayden always knows when I’m sad and hearing her voice helps me out of my funk.
“Alright, let go of my hot wife big brother.” Logan comes out of the house laughing as he gets Mila out of the car.
“Logan! Be nice. Go take our daughter inside and tuck her in.”
“Sure thing, boss.” Logan takes her in still laughing.
I let go of Hayden and we walk inside to their kitchen. I sit down at the kitchen table and she brings me a beer. “Do you think Katherine would want me to move on and be happy?”
“Oh Jacob, of course. It’s been almost three years. Listen, I know you were in a dark place when she died, hell you still are, but you need to move on. You’re twenty-eight years old and have so much to share. You’ll always miss her but you should think about moving on with your life. I know it’s hard and it wouldn’t be a bad thing to start looking. You don’t have to start anything serious but you should think about dating someone. Oh! What about Madison? You two already have a certain rhythm. She’s cute and loves to take care of you.”
“Argh, I don’t know. It’s hard okay, Hayden! All the women want one thing and I can’t give it to them. Then I buy them shit and they’re happy so do they want to be with me or the name and money?” I shake my head and drink my beer. “Today I saw a couple and their child. They looked happy. I thought about Katherine and what we used to talk about.” I lean back in my chair and close my eyes. “How do I know it’s time to move on?”
“You have to listen to your heart Jacob. You’re not getting any younger. I know it’s hard to hear but Katherine isn’t coming back. She would want you to be happy.” I start crying thinking about how hard it is for me to move on. I don’t want to do wrong by her memory. “Why don’t you go on a date with Madison? Just go out for drinks tonight or something.”
I’m speechless. I have no idea what to say. It’s Madison. I’ve never thought of her in that manner. She’s a friend and that’s it. “I mean its Madison. She’s a good friend, but that’s all I see her as, I don’t have feelings for her.”
Hayden takes my hand and gently strokes it. “Jacob is it because you don’t want to have feelings for her?”
I put my head down and think carefully about Madison. Hayden’s words stick to me. Madison is a great person and I wouldn’t have gotten through all of this without her. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course I am.” Hayden kisses me on the cheek before walking away to say good night to Mila.
*****
/> I sit down on my sofa alone in my apartment. Still thinking about what Hayden said, I wonder how things would be with Madison. I take out my phone and twirl it in my hand. Madison is amazing and she’s hot but I don’t think I feel that way for her. She’s my best friend.
“Damn it. I should just try.” I dial her number and put the phone to my ear. She answers after the first ring.
“Hey Jacob! What’s up?” Her cheery voice startles me. Well here goes nothing.
“Hey Madison. I was wondering if you wanted to meet for drinks tonight at Tavern Seven?” I wait for her to respond and think about telling her to forget about it. I don’t want to give her the wrong idea. I don’t think now if this is what I want but Hayden’s right; I should try.
“Yeah of course. Let me get ready and I’ll meet you there in twenty minutes.”
“Well I can have Gary pick you up so you don’t have to walk.”
“Sounds good, Jacob. I can’t wait to see you. I need a few drinks after the day I’ve had.”
“Alright well you can tell me all about it soon. I’ll text you when I’m outside your apartment.” I hang up the phone without saying bye.
I send a text to Gary to get the car ready for us. I walk into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face before changing into jeans and a black slim fit polo. I take one last look at myself in the mirror and turn around to see if Katherine will show up but she doesn’t. I let out a heavy sigh and make my way out of my apartment. When I step on the concrete, Gary comes out and opens the car door for me. “Evening, sir.”
“Hi Gary, thank you.” I get in and make myself comfortable. Gary comes around to the driver’s side, buckles his seat belt and starts driving. “Where to, sir?”
“Madison’s apartment. You remember where it is right?” I ask, playing with my phone.
“Sure do,” his voice sounds off and I wonder what he’s thinking.
“Gary what do you think of Madison?”
There’s a pause before he answers. “She’s a nice girl Mr. Greene. Why do you ask?”
