She couldn’t let her mind linger on the fact that Mitch’s life would have probably moved on too. Her accident would have changed him a little. He might have even been a little upset about the way she’d run out on him, but it would’ve only been a temporary bruising - his pride, surviving intact would be ready to deal with his next conquest.
Her thoughts flickered to how she’d changed, how the accident hadn’t just altered her looks. For her now life was in two distinct parts - Liddy before the accident and Liddy after. She was still trying to come to terms with the changes, to come to terms with the scars that would never heal.
‘Oh, you know,’ Sorcha said, ’Paul had a few days off so I thought I’d tag along. We managed to get some cheap accommodation in Paris and Loudeac is on the way, sort of….’
Liddy’s raised eyebrows – they both knew that in going by Loudeac they were taking a huge detour. ‘Well it’s lovely to see you, I hope you can stay overnight, there’s plenty of room.’ She saw them nodding, and rightly so – she’d already guessed they’d already spoken to mum - she would have probably done the same thing in their shoes.
‘If it’s no trouble? We have an early start. We have to be back in Dublin next week for our graduation.’
Liddy smiled to herself. She’d been waiting for the ulterior motive and here it was. After three years of study the graduation was the pinnacle of their achievements. In mortar boards and gowns they partied until dawn and everyone, including Liddy had been really looking forward to it.
‘Paul and I would like to pick you up on the way home and drag you back with us for a couple of weeks. You can stay with me, there’s oodles of room. What do you think?’
Liddy watched the hope and desperation in her friend’s face as her speech petered into silence. She asked herself did she have the strength to return to everything she’d abandoned in her haste to escape.
‘Come on Lid’s’. Wheedled Sorcha. ‘You’ve nothing to fear now and I’ll be with you all the way. I don’t start my new job for a couple of weeks so I promise to be like a shadow.’
Liddy was silent for a long moment ‘Okay, okay.’ She said, at last as she held up both her hands as if to ward off any further onslaught. ‘Although I’ll go in my jeans, or not at all - I’m not glamming up for anyone but myself in future.’
They both looked at Paul for support, but he just raised his eyes north.
‘So is there anywhere a chap can get a glass of wine here, being as we’re in the land of the vineyard?’
Chapter Thirty Six
The next week just flew by. Before she knew where she was her bags were stowed in the back of their car and she was standing on the steps trying to say good bye to her mum. As she hugged her close, breathing in the subtle scent of her perfume she remembered all the other times that a kiss and a hug could make things better, but this was different. As an adult the world was a different one to the rosy tint of childhood and a hug and a kiss just didn’t hack it any more. There were no words to express how thankful she was to have been protected all these months, but she couldn’t remain here in isolation. Now was the time to try and find her place again and she didn’t know if she would be coming back to France in two weeks as planned. She’d made plans before and just look where they’d gotten her. Now she was going to follow fate and just see where she ended up.
‘It’s alright mam, don’t cry, there’s been enough tears shed on my behalf over the last few months to last a lifetime.’ She said, noticing the silent stream of tears running down her mum’s face.
‘Will you be okay?’
‘Yes, I have Sorcha and Paul to look out for me after all.’
Emer sniffed and wiped her tears away with her hand. Delving it back into her pocket she drew out a very crumpled letter and hastily shoved it towards Liddy.
‘What’s this?’ Her brain struggling to remember.
‘That friend of yours, Mitch is it? Well he gave it to me when…. when…., after you refused to see him. Anyway you wouldn’t take it so I kept it in case there came a time you might want to read it.’ Emer mumbled.
Liddy just stared back at her in shock. A letter, what letter? She’d only vague memories of those times. She couldn’t even remember Mitch trying to visit her, let alone her refusing – but now a letter out of the blue and yet nearly five months old….. What must he think of her? Should she even read it?
‘Thanks mam.’ She said awkwardly, stuffing it into her back pocket for later – much later.
‘That’s okay, just read it when you’re ready. I liked him Lids and if he’s anything like his little brother don’t let him slip away.’
She replied with a smile before turning and climbing into the car.
Just twenty four hours later, a distinctly tired and dishevelled threesome arrived in Dun-Laoghaire harbour and made their way through the morning rush hour traffic to Sorcha’s flat. As Liddy looked at the busy streets full of people streaming past the car window in a haze, she let out a little sigh, realising she’d missed all the hustle and bustle of city living. France, for all its beauty wasn’t home like this was. However she recognised with a shock she’d needed that time away to fully appreciate what she had. She now knew where she wanted to be, it was the rest of the mess she needed to sort out - If only….. She felt the letter digging into her hip pocket as she shifted awkwardly in her seat. She would read it, but not yet. She had a couple of days before graduation and there was so much she wanted to achieve first.
Pulling up outside Sorcha’s grey building she jumped out before the car had properly come to a halt and, hauling out her rucksack headed towards the steps with her stick in hand. She didn’t really need its support now, but she still used it all the same.
She’d noticed early on, in fact as soon as she’d left the protective arms of the clinic that people didn’t see her as a girl anymore, they didn’t even see her as Liddy anymore – they pigeonholed her as the girl with the limp, the girl in the accident, the girl they didn’t know what to say to - and as such thankfully they left her alone.
Her face pulled into a grimace. Being left alone was so much easier to cope with than the type of pity the likes of Iris bestowed on her. She’d only made that mistake once, she remembered before getting the nurses to restrict visitors to Sorcha and her mum. But it was too late; the damage had already been done. Iris had gone out of her way to be helpful, so helpful as to update her on all of the hospital gossip most of which hovered around Mitch and his new registrar, his new tall leggy blond registrar he’d been seen giving early morning lifts to.
She shrugged her shoulders in an effort to edge her thoughts away from the images her imagination seemed determined to pull out of thin air. So what if he was in a new relationship, he owed her nothing. She, on the other hand had to live with the fact she owed him everything. She blushed at the memory. She blushed as she remembered the other piece of information that Iris had deliberately let slip – the other elephant in the room that everyone had been avoiding. If Mitch hadn’t appeared on the scene when he had she’d be dead.
She turned her back on the kissing couple in an effort at privacy. It was going to be hard enough sharing with Sorcha, but the least she could do was give her and Paul some space. They hadn’t had any time to themselves since picking her up yesterday and gooseberry wasn’t one of her favourite fruits. When Sorcha eventually joined her at the door with bruised lips and a deep flush slashed across her cheeks Liddy averted her gaze. Feeling intense emotion was one thing, but seeing it in others always made her feel uncomfortable.
‘Come in and make yourself at home. You know where everything is,’ Said Sorcha, frantically starting to pick up articles of clothing from almost every surface.
‘The sofa pulls out and mammy says it’s quite comfy. She often pops up for a weekend when she’s had too much of the old man.’
‘Yeah, if only I could find it! Ah there it is.’ She replied, handing her a pile of t-shirts, two skirts and finally a red lacy thong that she
dangled between her fingers. ‘Very nice, hope it’s clean!’
‘Here, give me that,’ snatching the items off her. ‘It’s my ironing pile, if you must know! And anyway I seem to remember you aren’t the tidiest either.’ She left the room briefly to return empty handed. ‘Right as to tea I thought that….,’ but Liddy interrupted her.
‘I thought I’d go and see my dad, if that’s alright that is? I haven’t been in touch since…..Since! It’s about time I made the effort.’ She said in a rush.
‘That’s okay. Here - I’ll give you a key and then you can be your own boss.’ She said, manoeuvring a key from her football key ring. ‘Er, I’ve been spending quite a bit of time at Paul’s recently so.….’
‘So no problem, it’s very kind of you to put me up like this, but don’t feel you have to change your routine or anything. I’m fine really. About you and Paul I’m really pleased you know.’ She added hesitantly. ‘I liked him from the first time I met him - you make a great couple.’
Sorcha’s eyes sparkled. ‘Well I wouldn’t have met him if it wasn’t for you and Mitch……’ She hesitated briefly. ‘About Mitch, Paul says that…...’ Liddy leant forward and placed a cool finger against her lips.
‘No more! Mitch and me, Mitch and I that is - what happened between us is in the past. So much has happened since then I can’t think about our future, even if we have a future together. I’ve never felt like that before about anyone so, even though I’m tempted to say it’s over I can’t, not just yet. I need to hold onto it for a bit longer. I’m frightened I can only feel like that with him and never to experience that again would be unthinkable.’
Liddy stopped suddenly. She felt as if she’d stripped herself bare for the first time. She’d never opened up so much about how she felt to anyone and she didn’t know what had happened to change that. One thing she did know though was the sense of relief at sharing even this small part of the fears running untamed in her head. She had purposely avoided thinking of Mitch in any way over the last few months, but this little crack in her defences was like opening the floodgates. She needed to be by herself now to allow herself some time to think. Paul was bound to be in touch with his brother and, one way or another she needed to be prepared.
‘Don’t be sorry for me. I’ve been lucky enough to be given a second chance, but if it’s meant to be it’ll happen. Those boys sure are something.’ She added with a forced twinkle. ‘So what do you think of the mother-in–law then?’
‘Well that’s a whole different ball game.’ Said Sorcha on a breath. ‘It’s more what she thinks of me that counts.’
‘She can’t but like you, you’re in love with her son!’
She felt trapped all of a sudden. All this talk of emotions and feelings when for months she’d managed to avoid anything to do with him. And now it was as if she couldn’t get enough of him. She’d even stayed up most of last night searching the internet for any new information, not that she’d found much. She couldn’t find him on social media, not that she’d really expected to – she wasn’t there herself! Apart from a list of research papers and book contributions there was only his entry on the Rathcoole website, but that was enough. The accompanying photo was even now tucked inside the secret pocket of her wallet out of sight - It was the most treasured thing she owned.
‘Talking of parents, I’ll have to get a move on if I’m going to make Dad’s before the rush hour - so catch you later.’ She said, grabbing her bag and heading for the door.
‘Did you want me to come with you? ’
‘No, to be truthful I’d like to be by myself for a bit. In France I couldn’t breathe without asking permission, and you know what I’m like.’
Chapter Thirty Seven
Liddy heaved a sigh of relief at the sound of Sorcha’s door clicking shut behind her. Dad didn’t get home until after six and, stealing a glance at her watch she discovered she had a good hour before she had to get the Dart out to Howth - Just time to do one task that had been playing on her mind ever since her mother had dragged her off to France.
The nurses on landing four, the private wing where Matron had moved her to after the accident, had gone out of their way to care for her with kindness and understanding. She’d left in such a blur when they’d transferred her to Rathcoole that she couldn’t even remember if she’d bothered to thank them, something that had been jabbing at her conscience ever since.
She remembered all too well the private ward was always a difficult place to work and looking after her would have added to their work considerably. The patients were both surgical and medical, which demanded highly skilled nurses trained in both specialities, but also nurses with unending patience. She had spent a two week placement there last year and she had felt more like a maid in a five star hotel by the end of it, with all the fetching and carrying for patients, many of whom were more than capable of performing the little mundane tasks themselves. There was one particular incident that stood out above all the others. She’d ended up having to leave a patient’s room hurriedly on the pretext of answering another bell for fear of voicing her thoughts. She could still picture the large lady in room twelve with a passion for voluminous pink lacy nightgowns and blood red nail varnish, even though she had long since forgotten her name. She’d been in there at least ten times that particular morning; fetching her bed jacket, book, make up bag, glasses and other sundries from her locker all within easy reach - but having her bunions done was no excuse for not being able to spread marmalade on her toast, unless she normally performed this task with her feet! All this when she was trying to attend to poor distressed Mr Jacobs next door, who was coming to the end of his long battle with lung disease and needed constant monitoring to prevent him from dislodging his nasal cannula.
Again glancing at her watch she was comforted by the fact all the doctors would have left for the day, whereas the nurses she wanted to thank never went off duty. With a short stop to pick up a tin of biscuits she made her way to the lifts, her bright green stick tapping resolutely against the floor. She knew she only had about ten minutes to spare if she had any chance of missing the rush hour traffic, just as she knew she’d use any excuse to avoid having to see her dad. She’d heard about his new baby, a boy this time – the boy he’d always wanted. Whilst a part of her was happy, a part of her still longed for the relationship he’d shattered when he’d walked out of their home. But that was in the past. That’s where she’d had to put it if she was ever going to move forward with her own life.
She concentrated on the lift ahead, watching idly as the lights flashed above the door, her mind already on the long arduous journey out to Howth and what kind of a welcome she’d receive. The lift suddenly jerked to a halt and her heart jerked with it. The door she’d been staring at for dear life had opened to reveal Mitch chatting to Simone. All of her innermost dreams dissolved in that infinitesimal moment it took for her to look and then to see what she already knew.
She watched as Mitch, his head tilted towards the leggy blond, smiled down at something she’d said. She even had the time to take in the tan watch strap and pale golden hairs that disappeared under the sleeve of his dark grey jacket. A thousand words flickered across her mind, crowding out all thought – but only one meant anything.
Why!!!!
Why did he let me walk away?
Why the silence all these months?
Why could he not have loved me enough?
Why!
The word screamed at her even as she noticed new shadows staining his pale skin, the new lines branded like badges of regret, but she hardened herself - she hardened her heart just in time as he turned to face her. It was either that or throw herself at him, something she’d never let herself do.
She was just in time to place what she hoped was a carefree smile and not an idiot’s grin on her lips before she was spotted. It wouldn’t do for him to think of her as a victim anymore; Victim was one role she refused to play ever again. No, she would make him think she was
fine and with a planned future in front of her – in fact that she’d moved on just like he obviously had.
‘Hello Mitch.’ She said, focusing on his left cheek in order to avoid looking into his eyes. She noticed him pause; his face freeze in shock. If anything, he paled further as he started to move towards her.
‘Liddy.’ His voice cracked with emotion. ‘You’re back!’
‘Yes, as you say I’m back.’ She walked into the lift and pressed the button for privates’ before anyone could join her. As the doors closed, she lurched backwards until her back pressed against the mirror behind her - her knees buckling. With her breath coming out in short gasps she struggled to remain upright and to bring her breathing under control. Resting the back of her head gently against the cool glass she closed her eyes, but the image of him remained as if burnt into her retina: arms clasped in front of him with an expression in his eyes she couldn’t begin to guess at. Was it six months since she’d last seen him? It seemed like six days, six minutes, six seconds since the door had shut behind him - Six months since the door had banged shut on her dreams, on her future.
By the time the lift had reached its destination she’d relived every fine nuance of their meeting and knew something had to change if she was going to carry on. The change had to come from her, deep within under all the layers she’d carefully laid down over the years to protect herself. But also, she thought wryly, this change had to be reflected in the outward image she portrayed to the world.
In other words my coat of armour has to be made of reinforced steel with spikes and how on earth am I going to achieve that?
Ideal Girl (Irish Girl, Hospital Romance 1) Page 18
