“I meant it about going with you to the funeral.”
Megan shook her head. “That’s awfully sweet of you, but as your secretary, I recall you have court on Friday.”
Justin frowned. She was right. He did. “I can see if Dad will cover for me.”
She lifted her hand. “I’ll be fine.”
She looked up at him, and he found himself swallowing hard. He wanted her to kiss him again. Maybe he should kiss her. But what would she think? In his heart, he knew she wasn’t ready. He didn’t know why, but he could tell it wasn’t the time.
He didn’t deserve a woman like Megan. She deserved a man who didn’t have to apologize to half of the women he’d ever met. He wondered how many years it would be before he’d walk in a restaurant or church building or department store without seeing a woman he’d known in his past. Maybe that day would never come. His sins had been forgiven, but consequences had a way of hanging on.
She picked at her fingernails. “How many more apologies?”
She must have read his mind. He looked up at the heavens. The stars were especially bright. Not a cloud in the sky. A man should be admiring God’s natural wonder with his date, not discussing the women he’d wronged.
“Believe it or not, I’m done. Remember, I told you at the café.”
“That’s right. I forgot.”
He stared at her. He was attracted to Megan as he’d never been attracted to another woman in his life. And he wouldn’t lie to her. Wouldn’t sugarcoat things. She knew what he was. One day maybe she would want to know who he was becoming in Christ. He cleared his throat. “Not everyone was forgiving. Not that I can blame them.”
Megan rubbed both of her arms as if brushing away goose bumps, but the air was warmer than usual for June. “Forgiveness is a tough thing.”
“This may sound a bit corny, but you like music, so maybe you’ll appreciate it.”
He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and opened it. He took out the small folded paper he’d put inside. “I found this old hymn.” He cocked his head. “Actually it was by complete accident. Written by this woman, Elizabeth Clephane. It talks about the cross and how it’s safety and shelter, and then about the grave just beyond the cross.”
He looked at her to see if he was boring her with his nostalgia about some hymn he’d found on the Internet. Her gaze seemed to search him. She wanted to hear the words of the song as much as he’d wanted to know the depths of their meaning. He looked back down at the paper, away from the intensity of her gaze.
He continued, “The song goes on to talk about seeing the form of the One who died there for me.” He placed his hand against his chest, feeling the words anew in his heart as he quoted, “‘And from my stricken heart with tears two wonders I confess; the wonders of redeeming love and my unworthiness.’ “
Emotion threatened to well up and spill out from within him. He cleared his throat and sneaked another peek at Megan. She studied him as if she longed to take a scalpel and pry him open to see if all he said was true. He wanted to be true. To be honest and upright. He didn’t want to be the man he once was. He was unworthy. Forever unworthy. But his unworthiness had been redeemed by God’s love.
He wanted to start fresh. Again. The apostle Paul had been the best and most educated among Pharisees. Yet, he met Jesus on the Damascus road and was forever changed. It could be true for Justin. He had to believe God would take the mess he’d made of his life and make him into a man who didn’t need to be constantly reminded of his great wealth or need the admiration of the most beautiful of women.
She whispered, “‘Beneath the Cross of Jesus.’”
He looked at her questioningly.
She pointed to the paper. “That’s the name of the song.”
“Oh. Yes. That’s right.”
He looked at her. She looked as if her mind raced with a million things at one time. When sadness stole over her expression, he clapped his hands. “Enough with the heavy. I had a lot of fun tonight. I thought I’d fall out of my seat when that guy brought out an accordion and they started yodeling.”
A smile spread across Megan’s face. “I was pretty sure you weren’t expecting that. What did you think of the song about learning to yodel?”
Justin shook his head. “I didn’t know sounds like that could come out of a man.”
Megan laughed. “You wanna try?”
“No!”
Her laughter bubbled out again, gracing him with her inner joy. “You’d better get me home. I gotta work tomorrow.” She winked. “Wouldn’t want the boss to be mad at me for being tired on the job.”
Justin shoved his wallet back into his pocket. He had to do something to keep himself from kissing the wink off her eyelid. And her other eyelid. And her … “I suppose you’re right.”
He opened her car door for her, and she slipped inside. She looked up at him, and Justin wished the evening could last longer. Forever. Her expression grew serious. “I’m really proud of you, Justin. God’s really gotten ahold of your life.”
He shut the door and walked to the driver’s side. He hadn’t wanted it to happen. Wasn’t even sure when it had. Maybe he started to realize it when she told them she’d gotten the job at the elementary school.
Whenever it was and however it happened, he’d fallen in love with Megan McKinney.
Chapter 18
There never was any heart truly great and generous that was not also tender and compassionate.
ROBERT FROST
Colt didn’t know when or how it happened, but he’d fallen in love with Megan McKinney. He sat perched on the edge of his favorite recliner, elbows planted on his knees, and watched as she held his crying niece in her arms. Megan was the mother Hadley needed and the woman he wanted.
“She was talking all weird.” Hadley sniffed. “I mean it’s not like I know what she talks like normally, but I could tell she was drunk or something.”
Colt leaned back in the chair and squeezed the arms with both hands. Hadley’s no-good mother had gotten their phone number and called the house. Colt never would have imagined who was on the other end of the line when Hadley jumped up and raced to the ringing phone. They both assumed it to be one of Hadley’s friends. Now that school was over, the girls burned up the cell phone and the land line making plans for one visit or another.
Colt dug his fingers deeper into the chair’s arms. If I’d known it was Tina … if I’d known she’d gotten our number, I would have changed it. Better yet, I would have torn out the land line completely.
Megan shushed Hadley with soft tones and traced her fingers through his niece’s hair. “I know that was difficult. I’m sorry it happened to you.”
Megan didn’t try to defend Tina, nor did she speak ill of Hadley’s biological mother. Something Colt couldn’t seem to stop himself from doing. She simply acknowledged Hadley’s hurt and comforted her. She knew just how to handle Hadley. The right things to say and do. With each stroke of her hand through Hadley’s hair, Colt found himself more drawn to the piano teacher.
“Why did she have to call me like that? She never calls me. Never writes. And I get both in a week. And when she calls …” Hadley shoved her face back into Megan’s chest.
Colt couldn’t sit there any longer. He pushed out of the chair and paced the floor. “She won’t be calling anymore—I’ll tell you that much.”
“But I want to talk to her.” Hadley looked up at him. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, but her expression reminded him of the one she’d given him when she was just a little tyke begging him for a new pup.
She’d won him over with that look, and Old Yeller had been a part of the family ever since. But this was different. More was at stake. It wasn’t safe or healthy for her to be around Tina. He had to be firm. “Hadley, I believe I know what is best… .”
Megan shot him a look of warning and shook her head ever so slightly. Hadley’s expression switched from sorrow to confrontation, and she started to hop up from th
e couch. Megan grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down beside her. “Tell me what she said.”
Megan pierced him with another look of warning as Hadley settled back into the couch beside her. Only because he had no idea how to handle the shifting emotions of the twelve-year-old did he turn away, inwardly growling.
“She said she wanted to come see me, but Colt wouldn’t let her.”
Hadley raised her voice in accusation to him. How could he possibly be the bad guy here? The woman left Hadley. Hadn’t even called or sent word of any kind to Hadley in years. She was a druggie and an alcoholic. How could this possibly be his fault? “She has no right… .”
Megan shot him another look, this time raising her eyebrows and cocking her head to emphasize she didn’t want him to talk. He looked up at the ceiling, willing the good Lord to keep him from lighting into both the women in his living room. The very notion Tina should be able to have anything to do with Hadley was ridiculous. Out of the question.
Not that Megan had suggested he let Tina traipse into Hadley’s life. She seemed to simply be trying to get the girl to calm down. Still, he didn’t like being told what to do. Even if it was just in glances. And he didn’t like that Hadley was acting so foolish as to want to talk with a woman who’d walked out of her life twelve years before.
“She’s my mom. I want to know her.” Hadley’s voice lowered. “But not like she was today.”
“It’s hard when our parents don’t behave as they should.” Megan put her arm around Hadley’s shoulder again. “I already told you I can’t remember ever seeing my dad. And my mom and stepdad hurt me a long time ago. They didn’t act like parents should have.”
Colt watched Megan as she spoke. Pain etched her brows. He’d been so focused on Hadley before that he hadn’t realized Megan’s eyes seemed a bit swollen. She still looked adorable, her blond hair framing her face and dancing against her shoulders. But something was bothering her.
She looked down at her lap. “My stepdad died on Saturday.”
“Megan, I’m sorry.” Colt walked toward her and placed his hand on her shoulder.
New tears filled Hadley’s eyes as she stared at Megan.
Megan nodded. “Thank you, Colt.” She grabbed Hadley’s hand and squeezed it. “I did get the chance to forgive him. Really forgive him. In my heart and by saying the words. Just before he died.”
Colt watched Hadley stare at Megan. Was she telling Hadley to have a relationship with Tina? Colt wouldn’t allow it. Whatever happened between Megan and her parents was completely different than all that happened between Hadley and his brother and Tina. Her parents weren’t drug addicts. They hadn’t given her up before she’d been able to chew solid food.
Hadley finally spoke. “When is the funeral?”
“Friday.”
“Can I go?”
Colt cleared his throat. He wasn’t sure that was the best of ideas. She was still sore at him because he hadn’t taken her to his brother’s funeral. She was already dealing with all these crazy emotions from her mother’s contacts, which he would be sure were stopped. A funeral probably wouldn’t be the best place for Hadley.
He watched as Megan looked from Hadley to him. He knew she thought the same as he did.
Hadley looked up at him. She stood and put her hand on Colt’s arm. “I want to be there for Megan, Uncle Colt. She’s been there for me. For us.”
Colt studied his niece. She seemed more grown up than he’d ever seen her. She needed to do this. To support her piano teacher. The woman she’d grown to love.
He looked at Megan. She was the woman he’d grown to love as well. He wanted to be there for her. To give her someone she could lean on, could glean strength from.
He lowered himself onto the couch beside Megan. It was probably the closest he’d ever been to her. She smelled good, like flowers. She looked wounded, like a hurt pup. He wanted—no, needed—to be there for her. “If you don’t mind, I think Hadley and I would like to go with you.”
Megan looked away from him. He knew he was acting more intense than he’d ever been before. But his feelings were suddenly so evident. So real. He needed to protect and care for her.
After several moments, she nodded, and he knew he would do anything to make Megan happy.
Maybe going to the funeral wasn’t such a good idea. He and Hadley walked into the small foyer of the funeral home. He felt uncomfortable at funerals for people he knew, but to go to one where he didn’t know the person who’d passed was a little more than uncomfortable. More like torture.
Around ten people sat in folding chairs waiting for the memorial to begin. Only two stood in front of the casket offering condolences to the family. He watched as Megan welcomed a hug from an elderly woman. Despite the discomfort, he had to be there for her.
Hadley’s teacher, Marianna, stood beside Megan. Along with a tall, thin, dark-haired man, whom he assumed to be Marianna’s fiancé. At least he thought Megan had mentioned her sister was engaged. Next to them was a very fair woman with short, curly red hair. She must be Megan’s mother.
She and Megan didn’t stand by each other. Marianna kept her hand around her mother’s arm, but Megan stood away from the two of them, on the other side of the man. What had happened between Megan and her parents? She’d mentioned making a bad choice as a teenager. But didn’t lots of teenagers make bad choices? And Megan was so upright and wonderful. Whatever she’d done must not have been that bad. Nothing like his brother and girlfriend anyway. It was pretty obvious Megan wasn’t doping it up.
He studied her mother more closely. She seemed sad beyond the death with a deep to the core pain. He remembered Megan also mentioned her parents weren’t Christians. He’d pray for this woman—for her salvation, and also that she would be able to open her eyes and see how remarkable Megan was.
Hadley pressed her hand against his arm. “Let’s go see Megan.”
Colt nodded and followed his niece to the front of the room. His cheeks warmed and his collar seemed tighter with each step they took. Funeral homes made him nervous.
He exhaled a long breath. The last one he’d been in had his brother all neatly groomed and inside a brown box. He blinked hard trying not to remember the look of his only sibling in that coffin. His whole family, everyone but Hadley, had been taken off the face of the earth. His church family had always been closer to him than his brother. Still, burying Connor had been like stripping off a piece of his body and shoving it into the ground. Hadley was all he had left, which was why Tina had to stay away from her.
Megan looked up and saw Hadley. A slow smile spread across her lips, and Colt knew they’d done the right thing by coming. She wrapped her arms around his niece. “It’s good to see you.”
Hadley, who once again seemed more grown up than he’d ever seen her, folded her arms around Megan. “I’m sorry.”
Colt didn’t know when Hadley had started growing up. Only yesterday he was teaching her how to mount a horse. Now she was comforting the woman he loved in her time of need. A fleeting thought that Hadley was strong enough to deal with tough issues passed through his mind. He pushed it away. Strong enough or not, it was still his job to protect her.
Megan released a quick sniffle then let go of Hadley. She looked up at Colt, and he didn’t wait for her offer. He grabbed Megan up in a deep hug. He wanted her to feel from every ounce of his strength she could count on him to care for and protect her, no matter what the situation.
He felt her quick intake of breath and knew Megan’s resolve was crumbling against him. He pressed her tighter against him. She needed to know he could handle her hurts. She was safe with him.
After several moments, she released her hold, and though he didn’t want to, he let her slip away. He grabbed Hadley’s hand, and they moved to the front row and sat down. A few more visitors offered condolences, then Megan and her family walked toward him and Hadley.
Megan motioned to her mother. “Colt, Hadley, this is my mother, Barbara.”
While Hadley shook her mother’s hand, Megan motioned to her sister and the man. “You already know my sister. This is her fiancé, Kirk.”
The funeral director announced the ceremony would start, and Colt nodded and quickly shook Kirk’s hand. The family sat beside them. Megan beside him.
Megan sucked in a deep breath when the man shut the casket. Colt reached over and grabbed her hand. She squeezed his and didn’t let go. He tried to focus on the minister’s words. The man said Megan’s stepfather had accepted Christ on his deathbed with his daughters present. Colt wanted to ask Megan about it. She’d said she had forgiven him. He wondered what had happened. He wished he and Connor had the same type of good-bye. Instead, he’d arrived at the morgue with his brother already dead. Overdosed.
He glanced at Hadley. Her eyes filled with tears, but they didn’t spill over her lids. He should have told her about her dad. Deep down, he knew it was pride that kept his lips sealed. He didn’t want Hadley to hurt. He wanted to protect her. But he hadn’t wanted her to see the man who was her father and his brother. The Baker name was above such ugliness. Such sinfulness.
He studied his niece. She sat beside him, her shoulders back and her chin up. He knew she thought of her dad, of the fact she hadn’t been able to say good-bye to him. He’d taken that from her. Couldn’t give it back to her now. Or ever.
She was stronger than he’d given her credit for. And he was sorry. On the way home, he’d tell her.
The message finished, and Megan stood up and walked to her family. Feeling a few too many waves of emotion, Colt looked down at Hadley. “You be okay if I step out to the restroom?”
Wedding Song in Lexington, Kentucky Page 15
