How does someone get over an experience that traumatic?
I shudder. I can’t even imagine.
It’s easy, blaming yourself in situations like his. People go back to what they might’ve done wrong, what they didn’t do, and what they could’ve done.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I might not be able to heal him, but I can give him something he’s been asking of me. An apology. “I’m sorry for leaving and turning my back on you. I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.”
He surprises me by falling to his knees and gripping my hands in his. Tears roll down his cheeks. “Tell me why you did it then. Please. For fuck’s sake, I need someone to be honest with me for once!”
I sniffle, and my hands shake under his. “I can’t. I’m sorry, Gage.”
“Oh, come on, Lauren,” he begs. “It’s been years. Tell me. Whatever it is, it's in the past. We’ll get through it.”
Is that possible?
It’ll make him lose someone else in his life.
My chin dips to my chest as I glance away from him. “I wish I could, but it’s not my story to tell.”
The skin around his eyes bunches together, and he pulls away. “Are you shitting me? I ripped myself apart and showed you my secrets and scars, and all I ask for in return is your goddamn honesty!”
I want to reach out and console him, but I don’t know what his reaction would be. “I’m sorry. This breaks my heart, but I made a promise.”
He flinches. “A promise? A promise to whom?”
“That’s part of the promise.”
“Stop bullshitting me.” He brings himself up and snorts, looking at me in disgust. “You took it upon yourself to snoop through my shit before giving me the opportunity to confide in you. Thank you for clearing up where we stand with each other.”
“I’m sorry!” I burst out, jumping up from the bed when he turns around to leave. I grab his arm and am surprised when he turns around.
“If you’re sorry, tell me why,” he hisses.
I don’t.
Instead, I kiss him.
My mouth claims his, and I bite his tongue when he attempts to continue his interrogation.
In the back of my mind, I know, when the conversation ends, so will we. He’ll leave me, like I did him, at my refusal. He grunts when I push him down on the couch, and he makes another attempt to keep up our discussion when I straddle his hips.
“Lauren,” he warns when my mouth meets his again.
I press my finger to his lips, and my voice turns weak. “Please. We can talk about this after you make me feel good.”
His erection slides against my core when I rock into him.
“After I make you feel good,” I add.
Every move I make feels like I’m walking on eggshells. The chance that Gage could pull away at any second is clear as day, and I’m drawing out everything I can get from him. When tomorrow hits, I know we’ll be over.
His arm tightens around my back, and he stands with me in tow. My mind spins with uncertainty.
Is he going to throw me out on my ass already?
His steps are fast and swift as he carries me to the bed and drops me down on it. “It’s about time I have you in here again. Maybe I can fuck the truth out of you.”
He stands in front of me and undresses while I do the same. There will be no intimate touches this time. No love devotions. It’s sex at the wrong time, but in the back of my mind, I’m aware it’s sex for the last time.
I hold myself up with my arms, and we’re both panting while staring each other down. His face is filled with pain, his work-of-art chest giving away his stressed breathing, and his cock is swollen, creamy pre-cum at its tip.
“Is this how you want me to make you feel good?” he finally asks.
All I can do at this moment is nod.
I scoot up the bed and inhale the scent of him on the sheets as his hard body crawls over mine. A moan escapes me when his member nudges my entrance, and he slides inside me with no warning, sans condom again. His hands search for mine, and he intertwines them, holding them over our heads.
He stills, and his mouth goes to my ear. “Is this how you want to say good-bye because you’re too goddamn stubborn?”
I stay quiet and tilt my hips up, a silent beg for more.
He doesn’t oblige.
“Tell me,” he demands.
“Please, Gage,” I cry out.
“Please what? Give you this?”
He keeps his hands in mine and gives me what I asked for.
It’s madness.
But so damn good.
“Fucking tell me,” he begs.
“More!” I plead.
He lets out a devilish laugh and slams into me harder, my head slightly banging against the headboard. “It seems I’m always giving you more while you give me nothing.”
He swiftly pulls out, hauls me up, and throws me on my stomach. In one breath, I’m on my knees, and he’s kneeling behind me.
This is breakup sex. Hate sex. The last time this will happen sex.
The thought of that hurts, but my twisted soul will take it.
I push my ass up higher while he tortures me before sliding back in. The sound of him slapping my ass echoes through the room, and I don’t have to beg for more any longer. He’s already giving it.
My body burns with emotions, and my knees feel weak as all my blood races to my core. A whirlwind of eagerness flies through me when he reaches around and plays with my clit to finish me off.
As I come down from my orgasm, my goal is for him to explode inside me. I back up even more and meet his thrusts.
His hands dig into the bottom of my ass. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Yes, take all my cum!”
He goes still, runs his hands up my back, and then collapses next to me. I do the same after I calm my breathing. We’re side by side and unsure of what the next move is.
He clears his throat. “Did that convince you enough to tell me?”
“Gage,” I croak out, “I told you I can’t.”
He rolls off the bed and grabs his clothes. “Good-bye for good this time, Lauren.”
Twenty-Eight
Lauren
Eight days have passed without a word from Gage.
They’ve gone by in a blur.
In Gage’s eyes, the solution to our problem is simple. I confess why I broke up with him, he’ll digest it and then understand, and then we can work out our problems. He seems to think that, once my truth is out, we’ll heal.
He’s wrong.
The problem is, if I do what he wants, it’ll hurt him more and ruin someone else’s life.
He’s lost too many people.
I won’t let it happen again.
History will repeat itself, and I’ll put other people’s happiness in front of my own.
After I realized our argument was final, I packed what belongings I had and called my dad to pick me up. I cried the entire ride. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and nodded when I shook my head.
I see the questioning looks from my mom each time I come out of my bedroom, but she doesn’t say anything. She was there during my last breakup with Gage.
She knows the symptoms.
Knows when to stay out of it.
All I can think about is what Gage is going through. His losing his son and having no one to comfort him pains me.
I contemplated calling Kyle, but if there’s anything I can give Gage now, it’s my loyalty to keep his secrets.
To rid my mind of him, I’ve buried myself in working, searching for a new home, and clashing with my insurance company to cut me a freaking check.
Stella and Hudson’s rehearsal dinner is tonight. Their wedding is tomorrow, so I plan to be the most proactive bridesmaid in history. Hopefully, it’ll shield me from my thoughts of Gage.
There’s nothing better than throwing yourself into a project while healing from a breakup.
Was it a breakup?
We never technically got
back together.
We hung out and slept together a few times but never established anything. Never had the what are we talk.
Losing Gage this time hurts worse than before, but the first breakup prepared me for living a life without him.
Twenty-Nine
Gage
My attention moves from the paperwork sitting on my desk to my office door at the sound of a knock.
I’ve slept here for the past four nights.
I grew familiar with the excitement of pulling into my driveway, knowing Lauren was in the loft. She’s gone now, and the reality of that smacks me in the face every time I pull up.
I could move on and forget about her leaving me. I’ve come to terms with what happened years ago, but I’ll never be satisfied with the unexplained reason of why it happened.
Was it something I did?
Did she meet someone else?
Was she no longer in love with me?
Unresolved endings make you question if the late-night conversations, the spilled secrets, the love for you were real. I confessed my demons, opened my chest and bared it all to her, while she gave nothing in return.
The door flies open as soon as I yell, “Come in!”
“You look like hell,” Hudson says, shutting the door behind him.
“And you look like a man who enjoyed his bachelor party last night.”
Said bachelor party was held at The Down Home Pub. Hudson texted and extended an invite my way, but after my argument with Lauren, I was a no-show.
I respect the dude sitting in the chair across from me. He could’ve celebrated his last party of singlehood at some expensive club, but he stayed here, true to his roots. It most likely didn’t kill him to go home to his fiancée at the end of the night either.
“I assumed you’d be at my wedding after I sent you an invite over a week ago. Your RSVP must’ve been lost in the mail because, according to my expensive-ass wedding planner, it’s nowhere to be found.”
“Your sister and I aren’t on speaking terms at the moment.”
He crosses his arms and legs at the same time and leans back in his chair. “Heard something ’bout that.” A sarcastic laugh drops from his throat. “How about you meet her by the swings and fix your problems over fruit snacks?”
If only it were that simple.
“Your sister is … complicated.”
“No shit.” He sighs and runs his hand through his short beard. “She’s not an easy nut to crack, but she’s fucking loyal. No one knows what went down between you and her, but I promise you this; she didn’t walk away for a bullshit reason. Since she was six, her life plans included you. Something changed her mind. Something serious enough that she’d ruin her life over it.”
“That’s the problem. She won’t tell me.”
“Try a different way of convincing her to open up.”
“Any tips for a man? She’s open with everything but that.”
“All I’ve got for you is a good-luck smack on the shoulder and hopes that you’ll figure it out.” He pushes himself to his feet and extends a paper my way. Another invitation. “Wedding is this weekend if you’re free.”
“I figured you’d be gone,” my dad says when I step into the kitchen.
There was no sleepover in my office last night. My dad made ribs for dinner and insisted on not eating alone. He needed company. I needed company. We devoured our meal and spent the rest of the night watching old action movies.
I knocked down a few beers and convinced myself to sleep in the loft. It was a hell of a lot more comfortable than my office chair. The smell of Lauren on the sheets relaxed me and allowed me to fall asleep.
I snag a glass from a cabinet and fill it up with water. “Why’s that?”
“Isn’t the Barnes boy’s wedding today?”
I chug down the water before answering, “Yes, but I’m not going.”
He winces in offense like it’s his wedding I’m bailing on. “Why not?”
“Bad idea.”
“Something happen between you and Lauren? It sure looked like y’all were rekindling those sparks.”
“My love life isn’t any of your concern.” My attitude borders on rude, but I don’t want to talk about her, or where she’s at, or what weddings she’s attending.
“It’s my concern when I want to see my son happy.”
“My happiness left long ago, and I refuse to hand over all control to a woman who broke my heart. I’m a broken man, but I’m working on healing, and she’s not interested in the same.” I scrub my hands over my face in frustration … hurt … something. “I told her about Andy, Pa. And Missy, yet she won’t even confess why she left me.” A harsh laugh leaves my throat. “It sounds petty, but I’ll never get over not knowing what I did wrong for her to end our relationship like she did. It fucked me up, and then losing Andy killed me. The only action I can do to stop losing people I care about is not to put myself in that position any longer.”
Fuck. Am I whining?
“I understand, son. You lost the woman you loved and then experienced a loss even greater. Losing a child can be a scary soul-sucker, and you’ll never return to being the man you were.”
An unfamiliar wave of fear passes over his face, and he grips the edge of the table to stand up. “There’s something you should know.”
“Yeah?”
“Lauren left you because of me.” There’s no hesitation in his answer. He was preparing himself for this confession.
I take a step back. “What did you say?”
“I’m the reason she broke up with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You …” He pauses, his voice wavering. “You loved her more than life itself. When she enrolled in school hours away, I knew you’d follow her.” His eyes water while he runs his hand down the back of his neck. “I was mourning your mother and terrified of being alone.”
“Pa, what did you do?”
Remain calm.
My heart wants to explode from my chest, unleashing all the anger from me. My father's being involved in ruining my love life wasn’t the answer I’d been searching for.
His hands shake as he grabs his mug and takes a drink, his Adam’s apple bobbing before he sets it back down. “I couldn’t lose you, so I went to the diner during one of her shifts and begged her not to let you leave me. I pleaded that she wouldn’t take you away.”
“You asked her to break up with me?”
Say no. Tell me I heard you wrong.
“She refused, and then I explained my reasoning. She cried and was angry that she had to break someone’s heart. Either yours or mine. We went back and forth until I told her I couldn’t live without you. That’s when she promised she wouldn’t take you away from me.”
“You asked her to leave to make yourself happy?” I slam my hand against my chest. “What about my happiness, huh? You saw what a mess I was after she left.” I’m using all my self-control to reel in my anger. “For years, you’ve seen me broken over her, and now, you’re telling me this? You’ve had years to do it!”
He experienced the pain of losing my mom. Why would he want me to go through that same hell?
Guilt and hurt are etched along the wrinkles on his face. “I’ve wanted to tell you for years, but I was so angry with myself. Not only did you leave town and me, but you also lost her for my selfishness.”
Don’t snap. Keep it together. This is your dad.
“Lauren made me promise to never tell you what I asked of her,” he adds. “She’s been keeping this secret, so you and I wouldn’t lose our relationship. Don’t blame her for allowing me to have the only person I have left in this world.”
I hold my hand up to stop him from continuing. “I can’t do this right now, or I’ll end up saying something I’ve never wanted to say to my father. I have to go.”
“Are you going to her?”
“I don’t know. I need to get out of here.”
He nods, and there’s a cold silence
as I walk out the door, slamming it shut behind me. I stomp to my truck, kicking gravel, and swing the door open. I sit on the edge of the seat, my feet still outside, and allow my head to fall between my legs, hoping it helps ease the tension running up my neck.
I’m conflicted on whom to be angry with.
She left because he’d asked her to.
She broke my heart, so my father’s would stay whole.
Do I hate her or love her for that?
My phone rings, and I debate on answering it. I lift my head and lean back before grabbing the phone from my pocket.
My stomach drops when I see the name flashing on the screen. His check-up calls aren’t made until the evening when he’s off shift. That means, when I hit the Accept button, my life might fall apart.
“Not a good time, man,” I answer.
“There’s a chance they found Andy’s body,” Luke says.
“I’m on my way.”
Thirty
Lauren
“You look stunning,” I tell Stella when she stands to show off her wedding dress to me as well as the other bridesmaids and my mother.
Sure, I saw it months ago when we flew out to LA to meet with her designer, but the wedding-day glow makes it even more breathtaking. It was custom-made to accentuate her curves. The sleeves are lace, the style is fit like a mermaid, and the train is short. It’s classy yet casual.
Her dark hair is down in curls with a crystal headband on the crown.
Hudson hit the wife lottery with her, although she says the same about him. Their coworker with benefits relationship ended with them getting married. No-commitment promises always end up causing you to fall harder and faster.
No commitment is a way for us to get what we want when we’re not strong enough to let our emotions talk. So, you agree to sex with no strings, but everyone knows sex doesn’t come without complications.
Just Exes Page 17
