Beautifully Broken: If I Break #3

by Portia Moore

  “Things have been weird since Cal came back,” he says apprehensively.

  “Yeah they have,” I admit with a chuckle.

  “I haven’t been avoiding you,” he says quietly.

  It seems exactly like that.

  “I wouldn’t blame you so much if you have,” I tell him, because in all honesty I’ve been avoiding him too. I’m still trying to wrap my head around all the information I’ve gotten today, creating more questions and hardly any answers.

  “I put in for leave at work today.”

  I want to tell him he shouldn’t have, that he loves his job and should keep it, but I’m sure with all that has happened he has good reasons.

  “I’m sorry. I know you liked your job.”

  “They said I can come back whenever I’m ready,” he says, giving me a small smile.

  “I’m thinking of trying to get back into my music,” he says and a more genuine one spreads across his face, his eyes practically light up.

  “That’s great! You should. You’re really good Chris,” I say, sharing his enthusiasm.

  “I’m okay,” he shrugs.

  “You’re a little better than okay. You can sing a girl right out of her clothes.” The words come right out of my mouth before I can stop them. I expect awkwardness to float in the air but it doesn’t, he just smiles wider and laughs and I do too.

  “Maybe a shirt, not sure about the whole outfit,” he jokes and I’m so thankful. Thankful for at least right now things have gone back to how they were before everything changed. Well, that’s relative since everything is constantly changing with us, a freakin' swinging pendulum.

  “I’m sorry about Jenna yesterday,” he blurts out and it’s funny, so much has happened that Jenna’s little outburst is the least of all things that have been on my mind. Then I’m reminded that I’m not sure what their status is. Before everything happened I knew things were rocky and after we slept together I was sure things would be ending but since Chris has no recollection of that happening…my headache is getting worse now.

  “Cal was an ass to her. I can’t play naive, her actions weren’t exactly unwarranted,” I say with a shrug and he nods, silence creeps in between us.

  “I’m sorry I don’t remember what happened between us,” he says sincerely, his eyes soft and expression apologetic in the way only Chris can be.

  “And…I was immature about how I responded to you telling me about you and Cal,” he continues, his eyes on his hands.

  “I understand…sort of,” I add with a laugh and he looks up at me with a smile.

  “..And when I said or implied that it was probably Cal that pretended to be me to sleep with you…I was full of it,” he says, folding his arms.

  “For one I thing I think Cal is too full of himself to even consider pretending to be me,” and I can’t help but laugh.

  “And…the way I was feeling before the blackout happened, I’m not entirely surprised that what happened, happened,” he says, letting out a long sigh and with it I can’t help but feel a small smile spread across my face, it takes everything in me to keep it small.

  “I want you to know that I ended things with Jenna before we left for Chicago.”

  Butterflies are starting to flutter in my stomach.

  “It wasn’t fair to be with her and lead her on with the feelings I started to have for you,” he continues and my breathing starts to slow down. He stands, rising from the bed and walks over in front of me.

  “I want to remember this,” he says and just like that his lips are on mine. His hands slide across my back and he pulls me into his arms. He’s so warm, his kiss is tender but firm and all the stress and worry that was sitting on my chest has started to melt away. Just being close to him, his body against mine, my lips can’t help but to kiss him back, it’s what they know to do. I feel high, like he’s a forbidden drug, and it feels so good, he feels so good, he smells so good. I stop and wonder if I’m dreaming. I really don’t want to know if I’m dreaming or not because if I am dreaming it means I’m not doing anything wrong. There is no guilt to be associated with this, as his hands slide underneath my shirt, and I have no reason to feel bad as my hands slide underneath his shirt and feel the skin that I want against mine.

  I just want a little relief, is that so wrong? Will it be so damaging? Each soft kiss he plants on my neck, makes the past few hours seem so distant and as the shirt I have on goes over my head, the problems we’re facing are being thrown over the bridge, and it feels good.

  Really good, but this feels familiar. All too familiar, his lips have trailed down my stomach, and there’s the feeling of being swept away, the rush of everything I’m reminded of, the intensity between us, the things this man can do to my body, how this feeling kept me and Cal tied together when everything was pulling apart. This feeling covered up secrets, and lies…this pattern is starting itself again.

  “Chris,” I moan. It shouldn’t be a moan, it should be a stern exclamation.

  “This, we shouldn’t,” I say in between pants.

  “You’re right. Caylen’s in here,” he says as we both clamor for air. In a few swift moments we’re out the door and he’s pulling me up the stairs. It’s so hectic, I was supposed to be protesting this, stopping what’s about to happen but I haven’t. We make it to his room without bumping into either of the Scotts, but my adrenaline is so high I probably wouldn’t have cared. When the door shuts behind us I’m back to reality, the contrast of this space from the contrast of where Cal and I last made love, the fact that if I sleep with Chris, Cal will be hurt, if I don’t sleep with Chris he’s going be hurt and I lose out either way. Helen’s words echo in my brain about not being the one to divide them instead striving to unite them. How do I do that? I can feel him behind me, his energy so different from Cal's.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, his eyes searching mine. I nod as his hands rest on my waist. I can do this. It’s only once technically, he doesn’t remember and it should be fine.

  “Tell me what you want,” he whispers in my ear and I immediately step away from him.

  “What did you say?”

  “”I asked what you want. Anything and I’ll give it to you,” he says, bringing my hands to his chest.

  “I love you. I didn’t know it then but the moment I saw you I loved you and I didn’t know what it was because I’d never felt that way about anyone before and getting to know you I know why he fell in love with you, because I’m in love with you too,” he says and the resistance I planned on applying to his chest to push myself away from him is gone, instead I kiss him with all I have in me.

  Chris

  It’s still me.

  I'd be lying if I didn't say a small, well a pretty big part, thought that after I slept with Lauren I’d wake up days later, but as I open my eyes and the sun is shining down on us and she’s lying next to me, I feel like the happiest man alive. She’s so beautiful, so amazing. I didn’t expect what happened to happen when I went in her room last night. I intended on telling her what happened earlier that day with Dexter, not all of it but at least some. I didn’t want any more secrets between us, but when I saw her it all changed. With her it’s different, I can’t pretend or hide my feelings, they take over and I’m not so sure it’s a bad thing. Something that feels this good can’t be bad. Last night was greater than I ever imagined it being. She’s perfect, every inch of her. I wouldn’t change one thing about her. Having her next to me, in my arms makes all of this seem not so bad, everything that’s hanging in the air over us not so bad when she’s with me. We can do this. Together.

  Do what? Get rid of Cal because she’s definitely not going to help you do that.

  She could, it’s not as ridiculous as it sounds. I just have to show her that I’m the better man, it should be obvious. I’d be the better father for Caylen, not him. He’s a future murderer heading for prison. Having him gone is what’s best for everyone. Except she doesn’t know about his plans, or what he’s done. If I can rem
ember what he’s done, but then he is me. I’ve been trying to think of that more and more, trying not to see us as two different people, he’s a side of me. I have to tell her, but what is telling her going to do other than worry her? She has enough to be worried about. Why am I even thinking about this right now?

  I’ve got to learn to live in the moment. I have a girl who I’m crazy about lying right next to me, in my arms, she’s beautiful, smart, funny and already my wife. This makes things easier, no more worrying about how to make my family work, it’s all fixed. Things are going to be okay. God this feels good, having her here, right next to me. I kiss the back of her neck and she starts to stir.

  “Good morning,” I tell her. She turns to face me and she looks at me as if she’s observing me and touches my face.

  “It’s me, Chris,” I say jokingly and for a slight moment I panic, what if she doesn’t want it to be me? What if she’s disappointed?

  “Good morning, Chris,” she says a wide smile spreading across her face.

  “What time is it?” she asks quietly. I glance at the clock on my desk.

  “It’s a little after five,” I tell her.

  “Your parents are going to be up soon. I should get back down stairs," she says, sitting up in the bed.

  “Stay. Just a little longer,” I say, surprising myself. I know my parents bumping into Lauren coming from my room isn’t the best way to announce we’re together but, right now I don’t care. This, it feels right. She cups my face and leans over and kisses me, it’s light, and soft but intense. I don’t want it to end. I slide my hand across her back and pull her onto me.

  “If we do this we’re going to caught,” she laughs as I bury my face in her neck, trailing kisses around her shoulder. She lets out a soft whimper, and I have to have her. I’ve never wanted a woman so bad in my life.

  “Just a little while,” I promise her. What have I been missing?

  “Just a little while?” she mumbles, our lips pressed against one another.

  “Chris I need…” my skin practically jumps out of itself. By the time I turn around the door is closing.

  “Oh my God, was that your dad?” Lauren says, covering her face.

  “Pretty sure it was,” I groan, getting out of the bed.

  “Great,” she says, hiding under the covers.

  “This is going to be a great way to start the morning,” she laughs, peeking at me from under the covers, her hazel eyes reflecting in the light. It makes the awkward and uncomfortable conversation I’m about to have with my parents worth it.

  “I’ll go down and handle it,” I tell her, searching for my clothes.

  “No I can’t let you do that alone,” she protests, getting out of the bed and searching for her things. She’s completely naked and it stops me in my tracks. Last night I didn’t take time to really see her, and it was dark but right here in the morning light she looks amazing. She catches me staring at her and looks at me bashfully.

  “We better hurry, I know they’re waiting on us,” she says, pulling her shirt over her head.

  “You’re beautiful,” I can’t help but tell her and she laughs.

  “Thank you,” she says bashfully.

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” she says with a wink and heads to the door. Before she opens it I take her hand.

  “Are you sure you want to do this with me? I have no idea what might be said down there,” I warn her. She lets out a deep breath.

  “We’re in this together,” she says, taking my other hand and I can’t help but kiss her again.

  “I mean how bad can it be? We’re adults, we have a child and we’re married. I-it’s going to be fine.”

  *

  When we make it down stairs my mom is at the stove frying sausage and my dad is at the table, his arms folded. They both look up as we enter. My mom with a grin on her face my dad with the biggest scowl I’ve ever seen.

  “Good morning you two,” my mom greets us.

  “Morning mom,” I say, glancing over at Lauren who's smiling nervously.

  “Are you two ready for breakfast?”

  “Yes,” Lauren says quickly.

  “Come on, you both sit down,” my mom says cheerfully. I wonder if my dad told her. I can’t tell. I know she’s happy for us to be home and everything is relatively normal again but if she knew she definitely wouldn’t take it how my dad is taking it. Like a spoiled kid.

  “Is Caylen awake?” Lauren asks before sitting down.

  “You’d know that if you were down here with her,” my dad mumbles.

  “William,” my mom scolds him.

  “Wow,” Lauren sighs in disbelief.

  “Well I guess we better just get this out the way. Mom, Lauren and I had sex last night,” I blurt out, almost surprising myself. My mom’s mouth drops open a little. Lauren looks down at her plate but I can see a small smirk on her face.

  “I gathered that,” my dad spouts.

  “And there should be nothing wrong with it. We have a daughter, we’re together and we’re married,” I continue.

  “There isn’t a problem with it at all,” my mom adds quickly.

  “Really, Gwen. You don’t see an issue with this?” my dad says sardonically.

  “No, I do not William. Have you ended things with Jenna, Chris?” she asks.

  “Yes I have mom,” I add quickly.

  “Well, what is the problem William?” she asks simply.

  “I’ll tell you all what the problem is. The problem is the large elephant in the room,” he says and I let out a deep breath.

  “Lauren, would you care to enlighten them on the conversation that we had about the exact problem?”

  “Your dad thinks I’m a trigger for Cal,” she says quietly.

  “That’s ridiculous,” I say defensively.

  “Oh is it son? Because not less than a month since she’s been here all of a sudden he reemerges?” he asks sarcastically.

  “You don’t know if that’s true!”

  “Well I do know that any relationship that causes that man to come to surface shouldn’t exist, period,” he says stubbornly.

  “William, stop it,” my mom says.

  “And any person that is okay or even welcomes Cal reemerging whenever he feels like it isn’t welcome in my home,” he says, staring directly at Lauren.

  “Are you kidding?” I ask him in disbelief.

  “No, he’s not kidding Chris,” Lauren adds, getting up from the table.

  “Lauren please. Let's just wait a minute,” my mom interrupts.

  “No, Mrs. Scott. It has been blatantly obvious that he hasn’t wanted me here. I appreciate him being so forthcoming this morning.”

  “This isn’t just William's house, this is my house too Lauren,” my mom says quickly.

  “Why do you hate him so much?” Lauren asks, staring directly at my father.

  “We’ve been over this before. The same reasons you should hate him, and just to make it clear, I am not the only person in this room who wishes Cal Scott never existed,” he spits.

  “Son, I am just going to say this because I love you. You’re not who she wants you’re the consolation prize, the compromise. You said it yourself that she loves Cal, everyday she’s going to wish you were him!”

  It feels like someone has squeezed my insides when those words leave his mouth but before I have a chance to react Lauren has slapped my dad right across the face.

  “How dare you! How dare you put your son against…against himself! Chris has a condition, this is a sickness but you’ve brainwashed him into believing that he’s two different people. The belief that Cal isn’t a part of him is doing more damage than anything I ever could,” she says then turns to my mom.

  “I love your son. Every part of him. Being with him on a good day, a bad day, when he calls himself whoever is okay with me!”

  “I think you understand that,” she says, looking at my mom hopefully, and she returns her a small smile. Then she looks at me.

/>   “I hope that you and Cal can understand that one day,” she says to me with a sigh.

  “I think it is time for me to leave,” Lauren says with a forced smile, rising from the table.

  “Impulsive, violent, rash. Who does that remind you off?” my dad says smugly.

  “You deserved that. How could you speak to your son that way?” my mom scolds him.

  “I don’t know what the problem is. But you’re letting this turn you into someone I don’t like very much. Grow up William,” she says before standing from the table and following Lauren. For a moment my dad looks like he’s just realized what a jackass he’s been.

  “If she leaves, I’m going with her. Wherever she goes,” I tell him, getting up from the table.

  “Chris. I don’t want to hurt you but what I said is the truth. We both know it. You deserve better than that,” he says, genuinely. I walk closer to him and lean down in his face so that he understands that I mean every word that I’m about to say.

  “I suggest you get on the good side of my wife and the mother of your grandchild. I’d really like my daughter to know the man I grew up with and loved. Until he comes back, stay away.”

  Lauren

  “I am so sorry for William’s behavior honey. He’s just afraid,” Mrs. Scott explains, holding Caylen while I frantically gather our things together. Our welcome has officially been worn out. Well, mine at least, I’m pretty sure that Caylen is welcome to stay as long as she likes.

  “I’m sorry for that out there. I shouldn’t have hit him,” I say apologetically. Am I sorry for hitting William? No. I am sorry for disrespecting Gwen’s house.

  “He deserved it,” she says with a sigh.

  “He shouldn’t have said those things to you or Chris,” she says, sitting down on the bed.

  “I –I just wish that he didn’t have so much malice in his heart for Cal,” she adds sullenly.

  “Me too,” I add, taking a moment from tossing the clothes into my suitcase and sitting beside her.