Beautifully Broken: If I Break #3

by Portia Moore

  “You’re finally up,” I say turning on the light.

  “How long have you been here?” she asks, covering a yawn escaping from her mouth.

  “About an hour,” I say, sitting in a chair across from the bed so we’re face to face. She glances at me, her eyebrow arched.

  “So what did you want to talk to me about?” I pull my chair closer towards her and sit back down. She looks at me curiously; I can’t look her in the eye.

  “Cal,” she says softly, reminding me of the girl I fell in love with. Not the pissed off angry woman she’s been the past few months.

  “What’s wrong?” she whispers, almost as if she’s afraid to hear the answer. I wish more than anything I didn’t have to, but I can’t let her know that. Anger is what she’ll want to hold on to it’s what she needs.

  “I’ve never lied to you,” I say steadying my voice. “And I’m not going to start now,” I drop my head down, run my hands through my hair. How am I supposed to do this?

  My heart rate picks up. “Just say it,” she commands.

  I take her hand, I won’t have the strength to do it if I don’t remind myself how much I love her. More than myself.

  “I-I have to leave.” The words are bitter as they come up from my throat.

  “Her expression hardens, and she pulls her hand away. “You called me back for this?” She’s sighs, obviously frustrated and annoyed and stands up. I take her hand and pull her back down.

  “Look, this is different,” I tell her.

  “Everything is different with you, Cal. If you weren’t so different, maybe I wouldn’t feel so screwed up right now,” she snaps at me. She’s pissed and I deserve it, and she’s right. If I wasn’t different we wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have to do this if I wasn’t different. She could be happy. I could make her happy but things aren’t different, they’re the same and I have to let her go.

  “I don’t know if I’ll be back.” She looks confused.

  “What?”

  “Would you mind repeating yourself?” she says sharply.

  “I’m going to make sure that you’re taken care of. I put sixty thousand in your personal account…”

  “What? You don’t know if you’ll be back?” She’s frantic and I try to stay still. Calm.

  “Why does it sound like you’re saying that you’re leaving me?”

  “I have to,” I tell her, trying to remain indifferent, cold, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

  “Is this about me, how I’ve been acting? Is this some kind of revenge thing?” she asks, her voice starting to waver.

  “This has nothing to do with you,” I force the words out.

  “Exactly, Cal! Look what you’re saying—I’m your wife. And your decision to leave has nothing to do with me?”

  “I don’t have a choice.”

  “What are you talking about? Cal! Talk to me, please,” she says frantically. “Look at me!” she pleads.

  I can’t look at her.

  “What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?” Tears are starting to fill her eyes and I feel like I’m being punched in the chest.

  “Tell me what the hell is going on! Tell me what’s going on with you for once!” she begs, and I just want her to stop crying, to stop pleading. I want her to yell at me and hit me and punch me not this.

  “I can’t!” I yell at her.

  “This isn’t about me,” I say, walking away from her. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

  “Then who is it about?”

  I can’t answer her.

  “You won’t tell me that either, huh?” she says quietly.

  “What am I supposed to say, Cal? What?” she yells. “Am I just supposed to accept you leaving? No explanations except ‘you have to.’ Not that I’ve ever gotten one from you. This won’t be any different except who knows when you’ll come back? If you come back.”

  “My stock dividends from the company will still be deposited into the account…” I try to focus on what I’m supposed to tell her and nothing else.

  “I don’t care about the fucking money! I never cared about any of this—the trips, this house— I never needed this! All I wanted…” she’s screaming now. “All I wanted was you, can’t you see that?” I close my eyes and stop what feels like tears about to start. I can’t cry in front of her.

  “Say something,” she whispers.

  “Is there someone else?” she asks.

  “I told you I’ve never cheated on you,” I say, using anger as my weapon.

  “Then why? People just don’t decide to leave out of nowhere. There has to be a reason, tell me you’re in love with someone else; that this isn’t working; that you’re in trouble; just tell me something!”

  “There’s nothing I can tell you,” I say quickly.

  “What am I supposed to do?” she asks, her voice so light it’s like it’ll break.

  “Helen and Dex will take care of anything you need…”

  “Helen and Dexter? They know about this? How long have you known that you were leaving me? Have you gotten bored with me, or is this just a spur of the moment thing?”

  She can’t think that. She has to know that’s not what this is.

  “It’s not like that,” I tell her, walking towards her.

  She steps away from me. She won’t let me touch her. “Then what? Tell me what it’s like. Tell me something. Tell me why!” she begs.

  “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” she screams and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. She walks over to the bed and covers her head with her arms. She’s crying so much that she’s shaking. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She's breaking right in front of me. I’m breaking her down, and it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I reach out to her and she snatches away from me, but I grab her and pull her close to me.

  “Why? Why are you doing this to me?” she whimpers.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her, holding back my own tears.

  “No, you aren’t,” she cries.

  “Yes, I am,” I whisper in her ear.

  Then she wraps her arms around me and she looks up at me. “Don’t make me ask you to stay.” She begins to cry harder. I look away from her.

  “I wish I could,” I tell her. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m confusing her. I’m confusing myself. I can’t stay. This will hurt her but she’ll come back from this.

  “Don’t! Don’t you dare make this seem as if it's out of your control? If you wanted to stay, you would!”

  I put my hands on her waist and bring my lips to hers. I don’t kiss her and she doesn’t kiss me back and I can’t blame her. I kiss her cheek and rest my cheek on hers.

  “You’ll get through this, you’ll have to.” I tell her, this isn’t how things were supposed to go. I don’t know how they were supposed to go now.

  “If you’re leaving, go!” She pushes me.

  “Leave.” I hate you! I hate you, you fucking bastard!” She hits me, and pushes me and screams and cries. I stand there and take it, take it all. I deserve it. When she’s done she rests her head briefly on my chest then takes a deep breath.

  “Just go,” she whispers and she sits on the floor, tucking her head in between her knees. I want to tell her that I love her, that it’s fucking killing me to leave her, but that would only make things worse. I start to walk towards her but I know me touching her, isn’t what she needs right now. I leave the room and shut the door behind me and let go completely. I hit the wall, I kick it until I can’t anymore.

  I hate myself. I sit next to the door and cry. I cry for her. I cry for myself for the first time in my life.

  I’m losing the best thing I ever had.

  chapter 16

  Lauren

  “I knew I loved Gwen the first time she made me smothered pork chops and mashed potatoes,” Mr. Scott laughs, holding Caylen as Mrs. Scott starts sets the table for dinner.

  “He fell in love with my c
ooking, Lauren,” she says happily.

  “Her looks had a little something to do with it too,” he chuckles. I laugh, taking a sip of ice tea. Gosh, this guy is so different to how he’s been over the past couple of weeks. He’s actually funny, and dare I say charming, and not a total prick. He’s been telling stories and jokes for the past hour while Mrs. Scott cooked. I actually didn’t notice Chris had been gone as long as he had until I got a text from Lisa saying to call her ASAP.

  “Excuse me,” I say getting up from the table but as I do Chris walks into the kitchen.

  “Now we can eat!” his dad laughs. Chris smiles widely but it’s tight.

  “I made your dad’s favorite. Pork chops and mashed potatoes,” Gwen says happily. All her food is Chris' favorite.

  “Great,” he says, kissing her on the forehead and then he heads to the kitchen. I follow behind him.

  “Soo, …” I ask, watching him wash his hands.

  “What’s up?” he asks shortly.

  “How did things go with Lisa?” He glances at me and I notice his eye twitches a bit.

  “Did Lisa talk to you about what she needed to tell me?” he asks as he continues to wash his hands.

  “Uh, no. I tried to get her to tell me but she wouldn’t,” I tell him, and he only nods.

  “What happened?” I ask, noticing he’s still washing his hands.

  “Oh, we’ll all talk about it after dinner. I think that’s best,” he says shortly, continuing to scrub his hands.

  “I think your hands are clean enough,” I chuckle but he continues washing them, his eyes don’t leave his hands.

  “Chris,” I say and notice he’s not even paying attention to me.

  “Chris!” I say firmer and nudge him. His head snaps up at me.

  “My bad,” he says turning off the water. He turns towards me and kisses me on the lips. It’s soft and sweet at first but then he starts grabbing my ass and backs me against the counter and lifts me on it. I push him away.

  “Cal!?” I ask him frantically and he scoffs at me.

  “Nope. I just always wanted to make out in the kitchen,” he shrugs.

  “Your parents are right in the other room with our daughter,” I laugh and he grins at me, leaving me on the counter top extremely confused. I try to gather my thoughts when Aidan knocks at the kitchen door. I jump off the counter and open it. He’s standing there with his hands on his knees as if he ran all the way here.

  “Are you okay?” I ask him, and he nods catching his breath.

  “I-is Chris here yet?” he manages to pant out.

  “Yeah, what’s going on?” I ask him hesitantly.

  “She told him. Has he gone crazy yet?” he asks.

  “Uh no. He’s sitting at the table with his parents,” I tell him and Aidan’s eyes widen.

  “What happened?” I ask him firmly.

  “Aidan sweetie. You’re just in time for dinner. Come join us,” Mrs. Scott says as she gestures toward the dining room.

  “Come on before the food gets cold,” she says adamantly. We follow her from the kitchen. I glance back at Aidan for some type of hint about what is happening but he doesn’t give me any. His anxious energy doesn’t make me feel good.

  “Aidan, I’m so glad you’re here. I know you wouldn’t want to miss this,” Chris says playfully, but something is off.

  Really off.

  “Can I talk to you a minute Chris?”

  “Sure. After dinner,” he says.

  Dinner started off weird but as it goes on everything seems fine, perfect actually. The food is great as always. Chris and his parents tell us stories about them over the years. Except whenever they pull Aidan into a conversation his answers are short and he stays unusually quiet.

  “Is everyone done? I’ll gather the plates. Would anyone like some wine?” Mrs. Scott says, standing up from her seat.

  “Oh no, mom, sit down for a minute. I’ve got a story everyone is going to love. We’ll see if you all remember it,” Chris says happily. I can’t help but notice Aidan’s put his head down.

  “Here we go,” Aidan mutters.

  “So this was about...I can’t even say how many years ago. I think about nine or ten actually. God doesn’t time fly?” he starts, and I can’t help but notice how animated he is.

  “Well, anyway. You went out of town to visit Aunt Clara,” he says, turning towards his mom, “and I was staying at Shawn Clarkson's house to help him set up for his sister's sweet sixteen. I kind of had a crush on her back then.” He laughs and Gwen does the same but I notice Mr. Scott is sitting perfectly still, the color has almost has drained from his face.

  “I had come home because Shawn's stereo went out and I came to get mine and I walked in on Dad fucking Lisa.”

  Oh shit!

  The room is silent. Dead silent while everyone processes what the hell Chris just said. Is this a joke?

  “What?” Gwen says breaking the silence. Chris begins to laugh.

  “What did you just say Chris?” she says, grabbing his arm.

  “Oh yeah mom. I completely forgot about it. It just so happened around that time is when Cal came about,” he turns his body towards his dad.

  “What do you think Dad? You think it’s a correlation between me walking in on you banging my best friend in our house and me dissociating?” he asks sarcastically.

  “Chris. I can explain,” Mr. Scott says.

  “Yes let’s explain,” he laughs.

  “I think this is your answer to why Dad hates Cal so fucking much. Because he held information that could potentially destroy his family,” he says matter-of-factly.

  “William, tell me this isn’t true,” Mrs. Scott demands. She’s not crying or upset, she seems in complete shock.

  “Lauren and Aidan, could you please excuse us?” Mr. Scott says and Aidan and I practically jump out of our seats.

  “NO!” Chris roars.

  “No more secrets, no more lies. Let’s put it all out there for everyone to see. I haven’t even got to the best part of the story yet,” he says angrily.

  “Explain how fucking selfish you were for delaying or really sabotaging my treatment because you were so fucking scared that if I integrated that I’d remember everything!” Chris says angrily. I look over to Mrs. Scott who now has tears coming out of her eyes.

  “William, how could you?” Mrs. Scott whimpers.

  “It wasn’t like that Gwen. I swear to you,” Mr. Scott says, standing from the table. He tries to walk towards her but Chris jumps in his path.

  “No, don’t go near my mom!” Chris says blocking him.

  “Tell her how many times you fucked her. That it wasn’t just a one-time deal, that you screwed her enough to knock her up!”

  “Oh my God,” I can’t help but mutter. Everyone one in the room, including Mr. Scott himself looks caught off guard by that.

  “What?!” Mr. Scott says confused.

  “Yup, I guess you kept on screwing her long after I found out because she had your kid when she was 19. You have a fucking seven year old daughter. Her name's Willa. How sweet is that?” he says viciously. I look over at Mrs. Scott who has gotten up from her seat and ran out of the room. Mr. Scott pushes past Chris and follows her.

  “Our dinners are always the best aren’t they?” he laughs. Aidan shakes his head.

  “That wasn’t the way to do that man,” Aidan says disdainfully.

  “Oh, well, tell me Aidan. How should I have confronted my dad about screwing my best friend?” he asks him angrily.

  “Who are you? Because if you are Chris that was a real jack ass thing to do,” Aidan says leaving the room.

  “How has this turned into my fault?” he shouts angrily. I pick up Caylen and walk over to him.

  “I know you’re hurting right now. I can’t imagine how you must feel. But how you handled this. It doesn’t seem like you,” I tell him and he frowns.

  “I’m not hurting, I’m mad. I’m angry, I’m fucking furious! He deserved that!�
� he says, his expression hard and cold. I nod.

  “I’m not saying that he didn’t. But you were so busy trying to stick it to him, you didn’t notice how much your mom was hurting. Each jab you made at him cut through her,” I say, trying to get through to him. He doesn’t look at me.

  “When you really need someone to talk about this. I’m here,” I tell him, handing him Caylen. I’m not sure if he’s Cal or Chris but whoever he is he won’t disappear if he has her with him and after that I need to sleep. This was just too much.

  *

  I wake up and glance at my phone. It’s 2:30 am. I head upstairs to Chris' room to make sure he’s okay with Caylen. Once I make it upstairs I see Mr. Scott sitting outside of his room door, his head in his hands. I turn back around to head downstairs.

  “Lauren,” he calls to me. I stop and walk back towards him. He looks terrible. Dry tear stains down his cheek. His hair’s a mess, I can’t help but a part of me feels sorry for him.

  “I know you must think I’m the lowest person on earth. After how I treated you and hearing about all this,” he says. I stand quietly not knowing what to say.

  “I am the dumbest man on the planet,” he laughs at himself and starts to cry. I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t expecting to run into him.

  “She’s never going to forgive me,” he whimpers. Oh this is so awkward.

  “It could be worse. Cal could be back,” I joke, trying to cheer him up. He chuckles.

  “That’s the worst part about this. That was Chris in there today. I made Chris like that,” he says shaking his head.