As we ate, we let the sexual tension drop away. Zack opened up and told me more about himself. He was originally from Asheville, he was twenty-four, and he’d been a semester away from graduating from Duke when his mom had gotten sick for the second time. He’d left Durham after graduation and had gotten a job at a bar on the island, playing cover songs a few nights a week and bartending, while simultaneously taking care of his mom. He said he was still undecided about his plans for the future and whether he’d actually use his psychology degree at any point.
He told me about growing up in Asheville, summering on the island, and how his extended family would join them every summer for a month. After his mom had gone into remission the first time, she’d decided to permanently move to their home in the Outer Banks. He smiled when he talked about how happy she was to have her family there again that summer. Although everyone pretty much knew it was probably the last time they’d all be together. They didn’t talk about it, but it was more of a subtle understanding that hovered in the air at all times.
He said he didn’t go out much, which explained why I hadn’t seen him at every party, since he liked to stay at home to keep his mom company. But on the nights when she was too tired or she realized that he’d been at home too long, she’d kick him out, telling him to go out, have fun and be young. That night had been one of those nights, but he hadn’t felt like going to a party, so he’d found his way to the beach instead. He said he was an only child, which I interpreted to mean that he was bearing the full brunt of his mother’s illness, but I had to think it was a relief to have his aunts there to help that summer.
I was blown away by all that he’d gone through compared to me in almost the same amount of years. It was no wonder he seemed so mature. He’d dealt with so many more adult situations than I ever had.
“What does your tattoo say?” I asked him, seemingly catching him off-guard.
“Which one?”
“How many do you have?”
I’d just seen the one peeking out from his shirt-sleeve and the script on his arm. Were there more? How much did I want to go on a hunt to find them all?
“I’ve got a few,” he said leaning back in his chair.
“I was talking about the script on your arm.”
He nodded slowly but pulled back his sleeve to reveal the lines etched into his skin.
“When you have nothing left to lose. When there’s nothing left to gain. You find yourself at the edge of the world, wishing nothing would have changed,” I read and instantly got a twisted feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“All you can do is jump,” he said, and I looked up at him in confusion.
“What?”
“That’s the next line in the song.”
“These are lyrics?”
He nodded.
“Did you write them?”
He nodded again and swallowed hard.
“They’re beautiful.”
“Thanks,” he said, but it came out strained, and he quickly moved his hand to his lap, so the lyrics were out of my line of sight.
I instantly knew I needed to change the subject and fast. As much as I was dying to know more about the song, what inspired it and what the rest of the lyrics were, I knew it wasn’t the right time. I opened my mouth to ask a different question, but Zack beat me to it. He asked about me, and because I knew it was the only thing that might flip his mood around, I told him everything, and I didn’t hold back.
By the time we’d finished our ice cream, I felt like I knew him on a level that I’d never known Ben on. I felt like there was so much more to him than on the surface, where with Ben, what you saw was what you got. It wasn’t a bad thing, it just wasn’t as exciting.
We rode back to his house, but when I started to say goodnight, I realized he wasn’t going to let go of my hand. He walked me back to my house instead, and we talked the whole way, almost as if it was impossible for us to run out of things to say. It was still early when we reached my house, and the whole place was dark, so I knew it was safe. I invited him in to watch a movie, and was grateful when he accepted, since I could tell he didn’t want the night to end either.
I flipped on lights as I moved through the house, wishing my mom would have at least left one on when she left to go to the Wednesday night book club she’d joined at the library. We went into the den where the comfy couch and the big TV were but never made it to the movie. Zack put his arms around me as soon as we got into the room.
He kissed me deeply, his strong arms pulling me to him. His hands moved under my sweatshirt, grazing my skin and leaving trails of heat in their wake. I let my hands slide into his back pockets, pulling him closer, and he groaned softly. Before I knew what was happening, his lips moved to my neck and my head fell back. I sighed as he kissed his way down my collarbone.
“Are you sure you want this?” he asked, his voice sounding just a little breathless as he pulled back and looked at me. “It’s not too late for me to leave. I don’t want to ruin something for you.”
I looked up into his eyes, at his dark hair framing his face, thinking that it was already too late. I sighed and looked down in an effort to gather my thoughts. Then I looked back up at Zack and decided right then and there what I was going to do.
I ran my fingers thought his hair and brought my hand to rest on his cheek. “I don’t want you to go,” I said softly, and he leaned down and kissed me again, taking me away from my doubts and uncertainty about what we were doing and what the consequences of my actions would be.
I took his hand and started to lead him out of the room, and he silently followed me upstairs, both of us knowing what was going to happen, but not acknowledging it. The sexual tension that had been bouncing between us since we’d stood next to his motorcycle a few hours earlier hadn’t waned throughout the night. It was pulsing again as I led him down the hall, past Keely and Chase’s empty rooms to the open door to my room. He walked in, and I automatically locked the door behind me before crossing the room to my iPod player and choosing the ‘shuffle’ option.
I smiled at him and crossed the room, so I was standing in front of him. In that moment, I knew I was going to sleep with Zack, and he knew it too. I knew I was throwing away five years with Ben for a guy I hardly knew, but it was what I suddenly wanted more than anything. I didn’t think about the future or consequences or even if Zack would call me the next day. For one of the first times in my life, I lived in the moment, going after what I wanted so badly, never knowing if the decision I was making was good or bad. I just didn’t care.
“It’s not too late for me to leave. Think about it, princess. Is this really what you want?” Zack asked softly, and I could tell he was just saying that because he thought he should.
“Yes, it is,” I said, reaching forward and pulling his shirt up over his head.
***
Zack’s arms were around me and my head was on his chest as we listened to the music emanating from my iPod. I knew my mother could come home anytime, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. I was too comfortable, lying there, tracing the lines of his visible tattoos. So far I’d found what he said was a Celtic knot on the upper part of his left arm and some kind of design with the letters ‘L’ and ‘E’ woven into it on the upper part of his right arm. He also had more lines of script on his rib cage, but I couldn’t read what they said in the dark.
“I like your tats,” I said, teasing him as my hand traced patterns on his bare chest.
“Oh yeah?”
“Do they all mean something?” I asked, looking up at him.
He nodded. “Of course. I wouldn’t permanently brand myself with anything that didn’t have some kind of meaning.”
I nodded as I rested my head on his chest again, waiting for him to tell me what they meant, and knowing when he didn’t, that I probably shouldn’t ask. He’d tell me if he wanted to.
The song on my iPod changed then from something fast and upbeat to a soft melodic tune I knew all too well. It
was Fall Away by Liar’s Edge and was one of my all-time favorites. What surprised me more was Zack singing quietly along with the lyrics. I looked up at him in question.
“You know this song?”
“Sure. They’re a Durham band. I listened to these guys all through college.”
“Wow, not many people have heard of them. They’re one of my favorites.”
“Yeah,” he said, his eyebrows rising slightly. I nodded. “Mine too. I’m actually surprised you have the album. It was never released nationally.”
“No, it wasn’t, but I picked it up at a show they did almost two years ago. My best friend Rachel and I are big fans. We kept waiting for them to become famous, or at least tour again, but they never did.”
“Yeah, I heard they broke up. It’s actually been a while since I’ve heard this song,” he said, sounding sort of melancholy.
“I listen to it constantly. They’re pretty amazing. The lead singer is incredible. I love his voice – no offense, of course. I love your voice too.”
I realized it was probably bad form to compliment another guy’s musical talents when Zack was a musician himself.
He laughed. “None taken,” he said, leaning down to kiss me.
When he left, it was late, but I called Ben anyway. I left a message, telling him that we needed to talk. I couldn’t keep what I’d done from him. I couldn’t ignore my feelings for Zack and pretend that I was still in love with Ben. It wasn’t fair to him.
***
The next day, when Ben called me back, I told him I needed to take a break. I explained that I had a lot going on, I needed some time to think, and I didn’t think it was fair to hold him back. I wasn’t going to tell him about Zack, simply because it would hurt him too much, and I still cared about Ben, even if I wasn’t in love with him.
Ben argued that he only wanted to be with me and could live with whatever I wanted as long as we didn’t break up. I swallowed hard after that comment since it sounded so desperate, and I knew I couldn’t give him even close to what he wanted.
After an hour of back and forth, tears and pleas and every bargain under the sun, I finally got fed up and said, “Ben, I slept with someone else.”
Ben didn’t respond at first.
“How could you do that to me?” he finally asked. His tone was cold, and I could hear how deep my confession had cut him.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, because it was the right thing to say. I’d honestly never wanted to hurt him, truly, and I was so pissed off that I hadn’t had the guts to end things before they went too far.
“No you’re not,” he said, and I could hear him trying to hide the emotion in his voice. “Fuck, Emily! I was going to propose to you when we got back to school.”
I waited a few moments before responding, my stomach clenching at the thought that he really had no clue as to how far we’d drifted apart. He refused to see it.
“Ben, I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, but I just think we want different things.”
“I’ll say,” he snapped. “That’s obvious by the fact that you fucked someone else.”
I bit my lip not sure how to respond to that. It was true.
“Why did you do it,” he asked though gritted teeth.
“I don’t know,” I said, knowing I could never explain it to him.
“Was this a part of your new bad girl image? Was it?”
“What are you talking about?”
Ben laughed non-humorously. “Oh please. You getting wasted and hanging out with your loser brother and that punk chick and getting your fucking nose pierced. Was this just the next step on your path to see how far you could fall this summer?”
I gasped at his words. They were so harsh. “How did you know about my piercing?”
“Rachel showed me a picture. Thanks for lying about that by the way.”
“Ben, I didn’t tell you, because I knew you’d react this way! What I’ve been doing this summer is nothing. They’re things that most normal people our age do. Hell, getting drunk and going to parties are things you do all the time!”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I want my future wife to do all that. I liked you because you were sweet and pure and good. I liked that you didn’t get wasted and dress like a slut and whore around like most girls I know. I guess I just expected more from you, and maybe that was my fault.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “You’re right, Ben. It was your fault. You’re the one who put me on some pedestal with a halo on top of my head and expected me to never to get tired of being the same boring person day in and day out. Couldn’t you see that I was breaking? Couldn’t you see that I was miserable and exhausted and literally falling apart?!”
Tears were streaming down my face by that point. I was so tired of going around and around with him, and his hurtful words were crashing down on me, making me feel like a horrible person for just trying to be myself.
“Then you should have talked to me instead of avoiding me. You should have told me what you were dealing with and let me help you. You should have told me you weren’t happy. We could have done something about it together.”
I could tell his earlier resolve was fading, and the hurt he was feeling was apparent.
“Ben, I couldn’t talk to you. You – our relationship – was one of the things that was making me unhappy. I’m so sorry, but it was. I never should have agreed to get back together with you, but I was scared, and you looked so sad, and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“So you stayed with me out of pity?” Ben accused harshly.
“Not completely,” I said, wishing I could take it back. I never should have told him that.
“So instead of just ending things, you cheated on me with some random guy?”
“Yes,” I said, fresh tears falling down my cheeks at the thought of what I’d done.
“Who is he?”
“No one,” I said, not wanting to share any intimate details about Zack. Ben didn’t need to know who he was.
“Who is he?!” he screamed, his voice reverberating in my ear.
“His name is Zack. He’s just a guy I met.”
“Just a guy you met and you slept with him. Well I hope it was worth it. I hope you had fun.”
“Ben don’t,” I pleaded with him, knowing by his sarcastic tone where the conversation was headed.
“Did you like it, Emily? Did you? Did like it when he kissed you and touched you and stuck his dick–”
“Stop it, Ben!” I screamed, cutting him off.
I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t listen to him say what I knew he was going to say. He would make me sound cheap and easy and make Zack out to be a martyr, and we weren’t any of those things. True, we weren’t in love, but how many people wait until they’re in love to have sex. I wasn’t sixteen. Maybe I had just wanted to have sex and that was it. Ben was making me out to be a whore because of it, and I knew he was pissed, but it still didn’t give him the right to belittle me like that. I wouldn’t stand for it.
I slammed the phone down before he could get another world in edgewise.
Chapter Seventeen
“What the hell is going on in here?” Chase asked, storming into my room a minute later, finding me sitting on my bed, shaking and crying, still holding my phone in my hand.
He instantly crossed the room, sat on my bed and put his arms around me, pulling me against his chest. I let my phone fall from my hand and drop onto the bed, as my fingers gripped the comforter on either side of me. I continued to bawl, unable to speak as my tears drenched the front of Chase’s blue t-shirt.
“It’s okay,” he said, stroking my back. “It’s okay. Just breathe.
I tried to take in air, but all I could do was huff small hiccuping gulps of oxygen into my lungs. Chase continued stroking my back as my breathing evened out, and I loosened my grip on the comforter, but I didn’t have the strength to lift my head from his chest.
“What happened?” he asked again, when he thought I had
pulled it together enough to talk.
“I cheated on Ben, and we broke up,” I whispered, hating how the words felt on my lips.
“You cheated?”
I nodded against his chest.
“When you say cheated, you mean sex, right? This isn’t about just a kiss, is it?”
I shook my head. “No, I had sex,” I said, begrudgingly.
“When?”
“Last night,” I sighed.
“Um, with who?”
I could tell he was trying his hardest not to sound completely flabbergasted. I knew it was completely out of character for me to have done what I had with Zack, but I appreciated that Chase was sensitive to that fact and didn’t make any side comments.
“Zack,” I said, as my mind flitted back to the night before.
I had flashbacks of Zack and me, skin on skin, and feelings of complete exhilaration and passion and pleasure flooding me all at once as we moved together. Zack made me feel beautiful and sexy and alive, and I thanked God again and again that no one had been in the house besides us because I was pretty sure I’d been less that quiet. But Zack had made me feel things I didn’t know were possible to feel in all the years I’d been with Ben.
I knew it was wrong to compare them, but I couldn’t help it. Sleeping with Zack had been like sleeping with a man instead of a boy. He was in the moment the entire time and equally focused on if I was enjoying myself. I had been with Ben for so long that sex had become predictable, and honestly, a little frustrating since he almost always finished before I could. Zack had waited. He’d been patient, and it had been spectacular.
“Do you regret it?” Chase asked, bringing me back to the present.
I shook my head.
“Are you sad about losing Ben?”
I took a deep breath and sat up, facing my brother and taking in the concerned look on his face. He was completely out of his comfort zone, but I appreciated more than anything that he was sitting with me and talking me down from the ledge.
Broken Fairytales Series Box Set (Broken Fairytales, Buried Castles, Shattered Crowns) Page 18
