“They have cats in the barn. Grady said we could see them if we stayed long enough.” Libby gave Clara an accusing look. “Why didn’t we? His mama asked us to.”
“It was very generous of her.”
Eleanor sighed deeply. “It was fun there. We slept in a real bed and had lots of other children to play with. Did you see Mr. Gardiner’s library?”
“I did.”
“Grady said there are lots of books, and anyone is allowed to borrow them. All those books.” Her voice drifted away in dreamy wonder.
“I’m grateful you girls had a good time. Now go to sleep.” She left them and retired to the table to read.
But the words blurred before her eyes. Where had Blue gone? Shortly after they’d returned to town she’d been out getting water when she heard a horse and her heart had kicked against her ribs. Was it that man who hung about? She’d spun around to locate the source of the sound. She saw Blue riding away from town. Her heart had calmed momentarily. Then twisted with regret.
Hours later, she still had not noticed him return. If he’d ridden back from the far side of the church, she might not have heard him. Without going closer to the church, she couldn’t see if the horse was back or if a lantern was lit inside of the building.
Had she offended him so much he’d left for good without so much as a goodbye?
She regretted her hasty words spoken out of a deep longing to have exactly what staying at the ranch offered.
The women had everything she wanted—recognition of their worth, a home, a family and a man to love them.
She stifled the groan that came to her lips lest the girls hear her. Savior, like a shepherd lead us, much we need Thy tend’rest care.
The words of the hymn they’d sung at church came to her, carrying with them thoughts of how she and Blue had sat with their arms pressed together, the girls contentedly on his knees. At that point, she still reveled in the memory of his kiss. She still hoped it meant something besides a desire to take care of her.
He didn’t understand how she had to prove she could manage on her own. How could he? As a man he could do what he wanted, go where he wanted and no one questioned his sanity or ability. Certainly no one would threaten to take his children.
But even a man couldn’t prevent disasters like the fire that claimed his family.
The thought accosted her. She pressed her fingers to her forehead. His concern about her safety was understandable given his loss. But they were separated by a wide rift of different needs based on different backgrounds.
Accepting she would not be able to read tonight, she turned out the lamp and crawled into her bedroll. She couldn’t guess what the morrow would bring. Whether Blue would be at the church or gone. Whether the stagecoach would come and she could head north. Or if she must linger on, unable to find work to support herself and the girls.
She thought of the few coins she had left—enough to pay for the trip north. She couldn’t use them. God would have to provide another way.
Eventually she fell into a troubled sleep, waking often to listen for Blue to return.
The next morning she hurried the girls over to the Mortons’, hoping and praying Blue would be at breakfast.
He wasn’t.
“I wonder what’s keeping him,” Bonnie asked and after a few minutes announced they would go ahead without him. “Perhaps he went to see Macpherson and got invited to have breakfast there.”
Clara shushed the girls’ questions, hoping they wouldn’t say anything more about Blue’s behavior. But her bones ached with disappointment and guilt. If he’d disappeared into the mountains to the west, she had no one but herself to blame.
With no assurance that Blue would be at the church, she insisted she and the girls would help do the dishes.
Once they were done, she faced a quandary.
Did she go over to the church? What would she do if he wasn’t there?
The world seemed without purpose.
Nonsense. She had a very firm purpose. Get to Fort Calgary and the position that awaited her.
She led the girls across the yard and over the short distance to the church. Frost made the grass crunchy. Snow still clung to the trees and against the north side of buildings even though it hadn’t snowed since they’d arrived. She prayed it would not until they reached Fort Calgary.
At her destination, she paused. If Blue was there, would he allow her to work with him? Or ask her to leave? She gave a soundless snort. If he did, she’d refuse.
But if he wasn’t there, what would she do?
*
Blue stood by the sawhorses, his gaze on the door. Would Clara come? He smiled, knowing she would if only to prove herself to him.
The door creaked open, and the girls entered with much less gusto than normal. Libby cast him a look full of curiosity. Eleanor’s expression conveyed disappointment.
Little one, you’re no more disappointed by my behavior than I am.
The pair scooped up the buckets and darted back outside.
At least they didn’t seem angry or afraid. That was something. He’d talk to them as soon as he made things right with their mother.
Clara stepped into the building and closed the door, clinging to the wall on one side.
Did she think she might want to escape quickly in order to avoid his anger or his demanding questions? He needed to make her understand she had nothing to fear.
He’d thought about what to say. Now was the time.
“Clara, I didn’t mean to question your concern for your girls. As you said, you must do what you must do.” She alone could choose to change the course of her decisions.
She nodded, her expression guarded, not allowing him to guess what was going on inside her head. “Do you forgive me for what I said?” she murmured.
He closed the distance between them. She looked up at his approach, allowing him to see the hunger in her eyes. If only he could undo the events of yesterday afternoon. He nodded. “I forgive you. We both said things we shouldn’t have.”
“Thank you.” She dipped her head.
He could only stare at the warm hat she wore. He wanted to catch her chin and tip her face toward him.
“I was afraid you’d be angry.” Slowly, her head came up again. “In fact, I wasn’t sure I should come over.”
His tension eased as her blue eyes met his. She was being cautious. He understood that and wasn’t sure how to proceed. “I’m glad you came. What persuaded you to?”
Clara’s gaze darted away and then back, filled with discomfiture. “If I say, you’ll accuse me of being needlessly stubborn.”
“Will I?” A smile began in the depths of his heart. “Were the girls the only reason?”
Her mouth twitched with a teasing grin. “Maybe not.” She grew serious. “But they must always be the most important reason.”
“I’d never suggest otherwise.”
The girls could be heard giggling outside.
“Are you opposed to me talking to them?” he asked her.
“Not in the least. In fact…” She turned away, but not before he glimpsed a look of confusion.
“In fact what, Clara?”
Why was she reluctant to tell him what she meant to say?
He reached for her, relieved when she didn’t resist. “What’s wrong?”
“They’ve never had someone—” she spoke in a strangled voice “—treat them like you do. You listen to them and talk to them and encourage them.” She shook her head, her eyes damp.
Moved by the threat of her tears, he pulled her close. “It’s because I care about them.”
Her fingers burrowed into the fabric of his shirt. “I know.”
Just as he cared for her. He didn’t know how to say it without making her grow defensive. So he settled for tipping her head back and smiling. “Clara.” Was that hoarse voice his?
The look of anticipation in her eyes touched a tender spot inside him. His gaze drifted to her sweet, smiling, kissable
mouth.
“Clara.” Her name came out as a sigh as he lowered his head, intent on capturing her lips.
The door rattled. Libby laughed and banged a bucket against the frame.
Blue sprang back. He wondered if he looked as regretful as Clara did at having their kiss prevented by two curious little girls. She indeed looked disappointed over being denied that kiss. He tucked the thought into his heart.
He stepped aside as the girls shuffled past with their buckets of snow. He’d offer to help them but understood their need to do it for themselves.
The truth of his thoughts made him blink. It was the same with Clara. She needed to prove she could take care of herself and the girls. For her sake as much as for her father’s. And he could do little but wait patiently for her to see the truth of how strong she was.
Chapter Sixteen
Clara stood, content to watch, as Blue sat on a pew and took the girls to his knees.
When she’d realized he was in the church, her relief had been so great she’d grabbed the wall to steady herself. To have his forgiveness made the room brighter, and she knew it wasn’t because of the morning sun.
She scrubbed her lips together. Forgiveness had mended the rift between them. She cradled her arms about herself to contain the disappointment in the pit of her stomach. Funny that a missed kiss could matter so much. She’d never been one for kissing. Rolland’s kisses had been perfunctory at best, and as he grew weaker and less interested in her and the girls, they’d stopped altogether. In some ways, she’d felt like a widow years before he died.
She brought her attention back to the scene before her.
“I’m sorry I was abrupt last night,” Blue explained to the girls.
Libby tipped her head to one side. “You didn’t come for supper.”
“Or breakfast,” Eleanor added.
“I went for a ride.”
“We wondered where you were.” Libby studied him hard.
She thought poor Blue would be squirming inside before Libby’s demanding look, but he smiled gently then dipped his head and touched his forehead to Libby’s. “I should have told you.”
Clara wanted to interrupt, to remind the children he didn’t need to inform them of his whereabouts. The girls had no such claim on him, any more than she did.
Eleanor caught his chin and brought him about to face her. “We thought you left. Everyone leaves.” Sorrow dripped from each word.
“Or we leave,” Libby pointed out.
Eleanor shrugged. “Doesn’t matter who goes.”
“Remember the sermon yesterday?” Blue said.
Two little heads nodded.
“Then you know that Jesus is your good shepherd who leads you to still waters and green pastures.”
Libby made a protesting noise. “Too bad God doesn’t lead us to a nice home. I wanted to stay at the ranch, but Mama said no.” She scowled at Clara.
“Sometimes we have to do things that are hard.” Blue pressed their heads to his chest and gave Clara a look of such regret she had to blink back tears.
He cared for the girls. Did he care for her? What would it mean if he did?
Did she care for him? Perhaps more than was wise.
Before she could examine that admission, Eleanor and Libby scrambled from Blue’s lap and went to the corner to play. He rose and turned her attention to work.
The pews would soon be finished. A mixture of regret and satisfaction tugged at her thoughts.
As she worked, she started talking. “Rolland was everything my father approved of—successful, well established.” The words crowded to her mouth as if they’d been waiting for release.
“Older and sickly?” he added.
“He was twenty-five years older than me. I don’t think Father knew his health was failing at the time we married.”
Blue carefully marked the dimensions on the piece of wood then straightened to consider her. “Would it have made a difference?”
“I don’t know.” It didn’t seem Father would be concerned for Clara’s sake. But he might have seen it as failure on his part.
Blue still held the tape and pulled it through his fingers in a distracted manner. “Clara, he was everything your father wanted, but what did you want?”
She twined her fingers together as she considered her answer. She knew what she wanted, but would he misunderstand? He waited patiently, giving her all the time she needed to sort out her thoughts. This unhurried way about him was one of the things she admired and appreciated.
“What I wanted and still want is what Linette and Jayne and the other women at the ranch have.”
He dropped the tape measure to the piece of wood and leaned back, his gaze probing hers, seeking truth. “What is that?”
“Freedom to be who they are capable of being.”
He nodded. “It’s what you are trying to discover, and I believe you will. In fact, I believe you are very close to it.”
She blinked at his response. He didn’t try to reason her out of what she wanted. Didn’t even offer to take care of her so she wouldn’t need to do it herself. Yet she knew he’d help her as much as she’d let him. He was a man who would—
She managed to stop her thought before it finished. Before she could admit he was the kind of man who might honor her abilities like Eddie and Seth and the other husbands she’d seen at the Eden Valley Ranch.
But had he not suggested she stay at the ranch where others could help look after her? Was she longing for something out of her reach, even believing she’d found it where it didn’t exist? Blue confused her. Made her think one thing and want another. How did he do that? Why did she allow it? She had so many questions about this man. Perhaps if they were answered, she’d better understand her own response and be able to control it.
“What was your wife like?”
He looked past her, into his memories it seemed. A gentle smile curved his lips. “You would have liked Alice. She wasn’t afraid of challenges. We packed all our belongings in a wagon and left Texas for Wyoming when she was already expecting Nancy. I suggested we wait until after the baby was born.” He chuckled softly. “She got all huffy and said she would deliver this baby in our new home, and she did.”
Amusement tickled Clara’s insides. “You poor man. How do you manage to get involved with stubborn women?” She hoped he wouldn’t be offended that she had innocently aligned herself with his wife.
He quirked an eyebrow and sought her gaze. “Just fortunate I guess.” He looked pleased with himself.
Clara ducked her head, afraid of the answering pleasure in her heart and uncertain how he’d interpret what he saw in her eyes.
To avoid further talk of his wife, she changed the topic to her children. “Eleanor was a quiet baby. She’d regard me with big solemn eyes as she nursed. I often felt overwhelmed at the trust she had in me.”
“And Libby?”
Clara laughed. “She always had definite ideas of what she wanted even as a tiny baby. She did not like to wait to be fed. The nanny thought I spoiled her by feeding her when she wanted it.”
“I hadn’t thought about it, but of course you had a nurse for them.”
“I did, but I let the nanny take care of the laundry and as they grew older, some of the meals. Mostly I insisted on taking care of the girls myself. I loved seeing every little milestone, having them turn to me when they wanted something.” She let those sweet memories fill her thoughts. “Rolland assumed the nanny did all the work, and I never disabused him of the idea.”
He chuckled. “Seems you always found a way to do what you thought best.”
She nodded. “I tried.”
“Many women would envy you a nanny and whatever other servants you had, but I have to agree with you. I can’t imagine letting someone else raise my kids.”
His words were like honey to her soul. When was the last time anyone had approved of her decisions? Had there ever been a time? Father didn’t think her capable of making a decision on h
er own. Never had. She knew Rolland would have disapproved of her choice in regard to the nanny, which was why she never told him. The nanny went along with her decision, but almost every day she made it clear she didn’t approve. But since it meant less work for her, she protested quietly.
“You’re the only one who has ever agreed with my choice about anything. Except for one maid who spoke to me just before I married Rolland. She said to remember who I was and what I was capable of. It was she who gave me my Bible. I wish I knew where she went. I’d thank her for it. It’s been my comfort and strength for all these years.”
They had both forgotten about the work before them and moved to a window though neither of them looked through it. He leaned on one side of the frame and she leaned on the other as they faced each other.
He studied her. “Do you find it a little odd that your challenges and disappointments have drawn you closer to God and mine have pushed me away?”
She touched his arm, knowing it was pain that drove the wedge between him and his faith. “I did not face anything like you did.”
He nodded, and seemed to cling to her gaze as if seeking more from her.
She wished she’d had time to think about her answer, but instead she let it come from her heart. “Blue, perhaps you are just a lost sheep and our good shepherd is seeking you to bring you back to the fold.”
He drew in a slow breath. “Yesterday when Bertie spoke of that story, I couldn’t help wonder something along those lines. ‘He restoreth my soul.’ Maybe it’s time for that.”
She rubbed his arm. “God never leaves us even when it feels like He’s turned His face away.”
He nodded. “I know.” He patted her hand. “I just want to say how much I admire you for insisting on taking care of your girls when you could have done otherwise and no one would think it unusual.”
“Didn’t your wife take care of your children?”
“Most of the time. I liked to help her. I especially liked to put them to bed at night. Beau wouldn’t settle if I didn’t rub his back. He insisted no one else knew how to do it right.”
Love Inspired Historical October 2015 Box Set Page 84
