"Something better be on fire," he grumbled, peeling his heavy eyes open. It felt like they had been filled with sand.
It was Eleanor Greene, wife of Max Greene next door. And she looked worried.
Alarm bells began to ring as Jake shoved himself up, pushing the blankets to the floor beside the couch he slept on.
"Mrs. Greene," he said, rubbing his tired face. "What's happened?"
"It's your mother," she said. Jake's sleep blurred eyes finally cleared enough to see she had been crying. "She's in the hospital."
Jake's veins iced over as he struggled to comprehend what Eleanor was saying. "What? Why? How?" As the message registered in his brain, Jake scrambled to find his boots, now buried under the blankets he had shoved to the floor.
"Her home care nurse, Amanda, tried calling you," Eleanor said. Jake winced. His phone had died a few hours ago and was sitting in the kitchen charging. "I hope you don't mind that I answered it. I just came by to drop off more food for you boys and it kept ringing. I figured it must be important."
"No, it's fine. Thank you, Mrs. Greene." Jake tried to smile and failed.
Eleanor reached out and gripped his hand. "Call me Eleanor. What can I do?"
Jake wracked his brain. He needed to get to the hospital, figure out what had happened. But Morris had left him in charge of the ranch.
"Would you mind letting the others know that you've brought food? And let them know I've gone to check on Mom, but I will be back soon. Tell them to call me or Cam if they have any issues."
Eleanor nodded, giving Jake a brave smile. "I'll be praying for you both."
Jake's heart twisted. He wasn't sure he deserved any prayers, but instead of telling her that, he said, "Thank you."
The drive to the hospital took half of forever. The entire time, Jake kept bargaining with God, praying that his mother would be alright and that this was just a minor setback. He couldn't help but wonder if this would have happened if Letti had been there. Fingers tightening on the steering wheel, Jake forced those thoughts out of his mind. They weren't productive.
Amanda stood from her spot in the waiting room when he burst through the main doors of the ER. The room was mostly white with beige accents strewn around and pictures of landscapes. A couple of tall plants stood in corners, and Jake wondered if they were real.
"Have they told you anything?" he asked when he approached Amanda, trying to keep his tone gentle, remind himself this probably wasn't her fault.
She shook her head, eyes and nose blotchy from crying. "I'm not family," she said in explanation.
Jake nodded. "Would you mind staying here for just a little longer until I find out what's going on?"
When she nodded, Jake turned and strode to the front desk, leaving Amanda to her seat. Without waiting for a receptionist's attention, he said, "I'm Jake Waller, son of Esther Waller. Can somebody please get a hold of the doctor that is caring for her?"
He received a couple stink-eyes from behind the desk, but they did as he asked.
And older woman in a white coat came out from the large gray double doors that lead back to the patient rooms. "Mr. Waller?" she called.
Jake walked toward her, his head beginning to pound. She gave him what looked like an encouraging smile, though he didn't let his hopes rise.
"Mr. Waller, I'm Doctor Royce. First things first, your mother is going to be fine."
If Jake hadn't been holding himself so rigidly, he would have collapsed into the nearest chair at her words.
"What happened?" he forced out, instead. "Can I see her?"
Doctor Royce nodded. "Come with me. I'll fill you in on the way there."
Jake followed her past the double doors, which buzzed open when she sent a look to the reception desk.
"She's just dehydrated and weak from not eating," Doctor Royce continued. Jake's jaw tightened.
His mother had only been with Amanda for four days!
"We got her on an IV drip to replenish those fluids. She still refuses to eat solids. We sometimes see this with throat cancer patients. Swallowing can be incredibly difficult if they've been doing radiation," Doctor Royce said.
Jake couldn't help but think this had nothing to do with the state of her throat. Why hadn't Amanda called him, let him know?
"Some further good news," Doctor Royce said, slowing down in the hallway. "We did a PET scan, just to make sure the cancer hadn't spread. Based on her previous scans, it looks like her treatment is working. The tumor is less than half of its original size."
Jake's throat closed, relief swelling his chest, making it hard to breathe. He nodded, lowering his head, hoping the doctor couldn't see the tears that burned his eyes.
Man, he must be tired.
"What do we do now?" he asked, voice rough.
"She needs to eat. And drink plenty of water. We're going to keep her overnight, try to get her to eat something. We can't release her until she does."
Jake nodded. "Can I see her?"
Doctor Royce gestured toward the door on their left. Jake almost ran to it, then paused at the door.
Darkness cloaked the room. The light from the hallway behind him showed Jake where the bed sat, barely illuminating the shape of his mother in it. She looked so small in the bed. Frail even. Jake reminded himself that the tumor was shrinking, that his mother would be alright. She just needed food and water.
Walking into the room, Jake let the door snick shut behind him. He made his way to the side of her bed, looking for the bedside lamp he spotted before the darkness took over. The overhead light would be too jarring for his mother.
The soft light filled the room as Jake snapped the switch on. His mother rested propped up on pillows, staring into nothingness. He didn't understand why she wasn't watching TV or reading.
"Hi, Mom," he said, not quite sure what else to say. Her hands clenched in the blankets.
She's upset.
"Doctors tell me you haven't been eating," he added. "But they also said your tumor has gone down, which is great news."
Esther turned her head slightly and narrowed her gaze at him.
Jake rubbed his hands over his face before collapsing in the chair nearest the bed. "What do you want me to say? I know you're upset that Letti is gone. But that's no reason to risk your health like this. Why are you doing this? To get my attention? Well, you've got it!"
His voice had risen to a near shout. Panting, Jake tried to reel his emotions back in. It had been a long week. He was ready for calving season to be over. Ready for his mother to be well again. Ready for life to go back to the way it had been before.
His mother held out a notepad to him.
You're a fool.
Jake laughed, unable to contain the emotions any longer. He felt deranged. He felt out of control. He didn't know what else to do but laugh.
It wasn't until his mother's hand brushed at his cheek did Jake realize he was crying.
"I'm sorry," Jake whispered, wiping his face with his hands. "I don't know what to do. Morris offered me a job as foreman of Rowland Ranch today. But how can I run a ranch if I can't even take care of my own mother?"
Esther pushed the notepad back toward him.
You're too hard on yourself. You believe you don't deserve any good that comes your way. Believe me. God and I both want you to have joy in your life. Joy helps you through the hard times as well as the good.
Jake stared at the paper, unable to think of anything other than Letti. She had given him joy these past weeks. Watching her take care of his mother, and take care of him, had been a weight off his shoulders. They had fun together, all of them. He remembered Letti and his mother cheering him on at the rodeo, how lighthearted and happy he had been in that moment.
He needed her. He loved her. He never stopped loving her.
"I love her," he whispered, afraid to utter the words any louder. "I never stopped. But I don't think she'll ever forgive me." Jake sat back in his chair. He watched his mother frown before she scribbled
a brief message.
Go get her.
Jake clenched his fists around the notepad. He wanted to run to her, to pull her into his arms and tell how sorry he was. How stupid he had been to ever think that pushing her away was the smart thing to do. Both in the past and now.
Even if Letti never forgave him, he owed her that much.
"Tell you what," he said, passing her notepad back to her. "I'll go as soon as you eat something."
Esther smiled and nodded, already reaching down to adjust her bed into a more upright position.
Jake rang for the nurse and asked for them to bring his mother a meal. At the first bite, Jake leaned over to kiss his mother goodbye. Then he raced for the door.
And finally allowed himself to hope.
CHAPTER TEN
Everything Letti cared enough to bring down to Portland with her filled her little red car to the brim, blocking her review mirror and the passenger side mirror. She knew that wasn't strictly legal, but it was cheaper than renting a trailer that wouldn't attach to her car anyway. Besides, the drive down to Portland was a relatively quick one, one that she had made plenty of times over the years.
But combined with the fact that she felt exhausted from the last three days of frantic packing and coordinating lease agreements via phone calls and email, Letti wasn't quite sure if she would make it out alive.
Dan had done everything he could to make the move an easier one for her, though he couldn't make the trip down with her. He could only neglect his jobsite for so long and she refused to let him risk his job just because she was moving. She had promised him she would be back for weekend visits as time allowed and invited him to come down any time he could, though his busy season was just about to start. She had a feeling she wouldn't be seeing much of her brother for a while.
Letti's heart tugged in her chest. She had said all her goodbyes to the hospital and hospice nurses she had volunteered with, had even written a letter to Esther. The letter had been a painful one to write. She didn't want to come off as petty or mean toward Jake, but he was the reason why Letti felt she had to leave. Esther didn't need to know that. In the end, she wrote about the opportunity at OHSU and sent her well wishes for a speedy recovery.
Exiting the freeway proved to be tricky with only one functional mirror and a very wide blind spot, but soon enough Letti found herself entering the tiny parking structure underneath a modest apartment building. The price for the apartment had been a bit steep, but it was close to OHSU. Letti would be able to afford it after a couple of paychecks. Until then, Dan had forwarded the funds into her account, despite her protests.
"Consider it a loan," he had said with a kiss to the forehead.
"Fine," Letti had grumbled back.
She would pay him back as soon as she possibly could. He knew she would.
Resisting the urge to duck her head as her car entered the parking garage (the ceiling hovered impossibly low), Letti quickly found her parking space, marked 3E. Her apartment number. Maneuvering the car into the tight space proved to be a little tricky, but when she finally put the car in park, Letti leaned her head back against the headrest and let out a long and loud sigh of relief.
"Made it," she said to herself. Then shut her eyes.
Even though the excitement still bubbled in her belly, her heart still ached. Oh, how she wished she could have shared this excitement with Jake. What would he have done, though? Would he have wished her luck and sent her on her way? Would he have tried to convince her to stay? Would he have wanted to come with her?
Letti shook her head. She came all the way down to Portland to get away from those thoughts. She needed to start over.
Starting with unpacking this poor, old car of hers.
Letti pulled her duffel bag and a backpack stuffed with toiletries and her laptop out of the trunk. The backseat had been reserved for large plastic containers filled with books and kitchen essentials. She would come back for those later. She definitely didn't want to leave those in the car overnight. She'd never see them again.
The first thing Letti noticed about the apartment complex was the fact that there was no elevator. Letti mentally groaned as she trudged up the stairs, thinking about she would have to haul every single one of those plastic totes in her car up three flights.
She wished Dan were here.
Her body ached from all the activity over the last few days. She hadn't been sleeping well, too keyed up with excitement and sorrow in a sickening twist of adrenaline. Now that she had arrived, she was crashing fast. Hopefully the bathtub would be a decent one.
The second thing she noticed, was that the staircase was very narrow. Narrow enough for her to worry if some of the plastic totes would fit up them as she carried them. She would just have to figure it out.
The last thing she noticed was a man, sitting on the staircase as it reached the third floor. He sat with his head tucked into his arms, which held his knees together. She wondered if he was asleep. Was he a tenant?
His foot shifted and Letti noticed the cowboy boots on his feet, along with a pair of jeans that had seen just this side of too much mud over the past few days. Her heart began to race. She suddenly recognized that shade of brown hair.
"Jake?" she said, her voice barely a whisper. Then she took a breath. She needed to speak up. He must be exhausted. "Jake."
Jake startled awake, head whipping up and meeting her gaze head on.
He looked terrible, his face pale and drawn, his beautiful dark hair a ruffled mess. His chin sported a solid couple days' growth, which Letti found strangely compelling. She had only ever known him to be clean shaven. Even his clothes were rumpled.
But her heart still ached to see him. What was he doing here?
Jake stood, taking the few steps down to meet her. Without a word, he slipped the duffel bag out of her hand and hauled it up over his shoulder.
"Apartment 3E?" he asked.
Letti's jaw dropped. How did he know that?
Unless...
"Dan called you," she said.
"Not quite," Jake said, stopping outside the door marked 3E. There was a lock box just next to the door, one that Letti knew the code to. She tapped it in and it opened, revealing a pair of keys that would open the front door.
"What do you mean?" she asked, busying herself with opening the door. The lock gave way rather easily. She pushed the door open and flipped one of the switches by the front door. Musty, stale air met her nose. The light above the entryway lit up.
"I stopped by your house, but you were already gone."
Letti turned to face him, shock moving through her. He watched her from his spot in the hallway.
"May I come in?" he asked.
Letti moved aside and gestured for him to come in. Then she shut the door behind him.
"I don't understand," she said. "I just left about three hours ago."
Jake gave her a crooked grin. "You always were a slow driver."
She narrowed her eyes but couldn't stop the giggle. Then sobered.
Jake was here. In her new apartment in Portland. Why?
"What are you doing here?" she asked. Then a thought occurred to her. "Esther?"
"Is fine," Jake said with a smile. "She was pretty upset with me, and with good reason. She ended up in the hospital after I…" He wasn't sure how to finish that sentence. "She refused to eat. She always had a flare for the dramatic."
Letti shook her head, worried despite Jake's news to the contrary. "It's all those British period pieces, I'm sure. She's alright now?"
Jake nodded. "They did a PET scan. The tumor is less than half of the size it once was. Treatment is working."
Relief hit Letti hard, bringing tears to her eyes. Though Esther had a long battle ahead of her, Letti bowed her head and sent up a quick prayer of thanks.
"That still doesn't answer my question," she said. She lifted her gaze to his.
Jake seemed to hesitate at that. Then he straightened his shoulders.
"I wo
n't lie. I had these grand plans to come down here, apologize until I was blue in the face, then convince you that you were making a mistake, that my mother and I both need you back home where you belong," Jake began. Then paused, lifting his hands to rub at his face. "But then, I got to thinking. We are in the same position we were in nearly five years ago, aren't we?"
Letti's breath caught but she nodded. "Though our roles are reversed," she said.
"Exactly. And the one thing I remember most about having to leave you behind is that I didn't. I wanted you with me the whole time I was away. I didn't want to leave college, but I didn't want to leave you either. I couldn't help but think how much better the whole experience would have been with you there. With me."
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