by Greg Trine
Table of Contents
Title Page
Table of Contents
Copyright
Dedication
The Crime Tsunami
Numb Skull’s Evil Plan
Shape-Shifting 101
Dyno-Mike
Unsweet Dreams
The Bad Guys (Girls)
The Last National Bank
Monster Chase
Jo Puts Two and Two Together
Dog Slobber
Triple Whammy
Ah-Choo!
Curses!
Boxing Skills
Goose Bumps
Shifty Business
Whale of a Problem
Kaboom!
Read More from the Jo Schmo Series
About the Author
About the Illustrator
Footnotes
Text copyright © 2013 by Greg Trine
Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Frank W. Dormer
All rights reserved. For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003.
Harcourt Children’s Books is an imprint of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company.
www.hmhbooks.com
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Trine, Greg.
Shifty business / Greg Trine ; art by Frank W. Dormer.
pages cm.—(The adventures of Jo Schmo)
Summary: “Fourth-grade superhero Jo Schmo discovers a very unusual talent for shape-shifting as she and her dog Raymond try to stop a crime wave in San Francisco. Monsters and sharks and bad guys, oh my!”—Provided by publisher.
ISBN 978-0-547-80796-6 (hardback)
[1. Superheroes—Fiction. 2. Shapeshifting—Fiction. 3. Dogs—Fiction. 4. Humorous stories.] I. Dormer, Frank W., illustrator. II. Title.
PZ7.T7356Shi 2013
[Fic]—dc23
2013003915
eISBN 978-0-547-80813-0
v1.0713
For Cruz—G.T.
For Grandpa Dormer—F.D.
1
The Crime Tsunami
Superhero Jo Schmo didn’t know that a crime tsunami was about to hit San Francisco. She didn’t know about the crime wave, which is how all crime tsunamis begin. She didn’t even know about the crime ripple, which is what you get before a crime wave. Ripple, wave, tsunami—that’s the way it works in the crime world.
It had been years since a crime tsunami had hit San Francisco, so they were due for one. In fact, they were overdue. But Jo didn’t know any of this. She was too busy thinking about Kevin, Mitch, and David. Every superhero had a weakness or two. Jo Schmo had three.
Kevin had the best hair in class.
Mitch looked spectacular in green.
And David had exactly seventeen freckles that she absolutely adored.
So Jo was distracted ... by her weaknesses. She could feel her strength draining away. She was pretty sure she couldn’t stop a train in this condition. She probably couldn’t even stop a bus—or a tricycle.
And that’s when her phone buzzed in her desk. “A text message from Grandpa,” Jo said to herself. Her grandfather was a retired sheriff who listened to his police radio day and night. When a crime was committed, he contacted Jo.
Car thieves in Chinatown. Go get ’em, Jo.
Jo would be happy to go get them. Only right now she was a little low in the strength and energy department, thanks to Kevin, Mitch, and David.
Jo raised a weak hand. “Can I use the bathroom, Mrs. Freep?” she squeaked.
“Go get ’em, Jo,” Mrs. Freep said under her breath so no one else could hear. What she said out loud was, “Absolutely.” One of her students was a superhero, and that was just fine with Mrs. Freep.
So Jo, still feeling weak, stood up from her desk and dragged herself to the classroom door. Once outside the school, her strength returned and she sprinted across the blacktop to the bike rack where her trusty Schmomobile, and her dog, Raymond, were waiting.
“Ready to go catch bad guys, Raymond?” Jo asked.
Raymond gave her a look that said, “Lady, I was born ready.”
That was good enough for Jo. She wasn’t born ready. She became a superhero when she inherited the cape.
She fired up the Schmomobile, and soon she and Raymond were racing down the sidewalk toward Chinatown. They arrived just in the elbow of time, which is sort of like arriving just in the neck of time. But elbow sounds way more interesting.
Wait a minute—it’s nick of time, not neck of time. Never mind.
Up ahead she saw what looked like a couple of car thieves coming her way. How could she tell they were car thieves? Because they were traveling sixty miles per hour in a thirty-five-mile-per-hour zone. And they were on the sidewalk!
Raymond shot them a look that said, “This sidewalk ain’t big enough for the two of us.” Actually, there were three of them—four, if you count Jo. But you get the idea. The point is that Jo and Raymond were making a stand, and the bad guys better get off the sidewalk, or else!
The car thieves sped toward her.
“I stopped a train, Raymond. I can stop a car.”
Raymond gave her a look that said, “If you say so, but if you don’t mind, I think I’ll stand over here.” He stepped off the sidewalk onto the street.
Jo had stopped a train. The Superhero Instruction Manual, which she inherited along with the cape, had said stopping a speeding locomotive was all in the wrist. Was stopping a speeding car the same?
She hoped so. She put her hands out in front of her, making sure her wrists were placed just so. “I stopped a train,” she kept telling herself. “I stopped a train. This has to work.” The car kept coming, picking up speed.
Just before it hit, Jo closed her eyes.
2
Numb Skull’s Evil Plan
And before you could say “Jo Schmo stopped the speeding car and a couple of car thieves,” Jo Schmo stopped the speeding car and a couple of car thieves. Then she used her famous Knuckle Sandwich on them and hung around until the police arrived.
“Wow,” she said. “Stopping a car is exactly like stopping a train. It really is all in the wrist.” She held out her hand, and Raymond high-fived it.
Jo had no idea that this was just the beginning of the crime tsunami getting ready to hit San Francisco. But she was about to find out.
Three days earlier, there had been a Bad Guy and Evil Villain meeting in the abandoned warehouse district, where Numb Skull presided. Numb Skull was a retired boxer turned bad guy. He used to be a good guy, or at least an okay guy, but every time he was smacked in the head in the boxing ring, he lost a little of his good-guyness and his okay-guyness, until there was nothing left to do but pursue a life of crime. Which he did.
And now, Numb Skull ruled the abandoned warehouse district in San Francisco, where most of the bad guys lived. He had called the Bad Guy and Evil Villain meeting to get the crime tsunami rolling. As you know, waves roll, and tsunami waves roll rather hugely. And a huge wave would keep a superhero very busy.
This was Numb Skull’s plan. If he could keep Jo Schmo busy chasing other villains, he would be left alone to do his evil deeds. And he had plenty of evil deeds up his sleeve—even when he was wearing a tank top.
But back to the meeting...
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Numb Skull began, “as you know, we have a pesky superhero in town named Jo Schmo. She might beat some of us, but she can’t beat all of us.”
Just the mention of Jo Schmo caused some in the crowd to shiver.
Others growled.
Numb Skull shook an angry fist in the air. He really hated fourth
grade superheroes.
He explained how a crime tsunami worked. Overwhelm the crime fighter; that was the basic idea. And the crime fighter in question was none other than Jo Schmo.
“All in favor?” Numb Skull asked.
Everyone cheered. It was unanimous: everyone loved the idea of a crime tsunami. And it all began with a couple of car thieves in Chinatown.
Jo Schmo didn’t know any of this. After she stopped the speeding car on the sidewalk, she headed back to class.
“That was the longest bathroom break in U.S. history,” one of her classmates complained. This is true. But there had been three bathroom breaks that were longer in Canadian history and one that was way longer in the history of France.*
Jo didn’t hear what her classmate was saying. She was too busy staring at Kevin’s hair, Mitch in his green shirt, and David’s seventeen adorable freckles. Once again, she could feel her strength slipping away.
“I love my weaknesses,” she said to herself.
3
Shape-Shifting 101
When Jo got home from school, she headed straight for the shack in the backyard where her grandfather lived. She banged on the door and yelled, “Grandpa, it’s Jo.”
“Joe?”
“No, Jo.”
“Oh, Jo. Come in, Jo. I thought I was talking to myself for a second there.” Grandpa Joe still had his ear to the police radio, listening for more crimes. He turned down the volume and waited to hear about his granddaughter’s latest adventure.
“Guess what, Gramps?” Jo said as she went inside.
“What?” Grandpa Joe asked, raising a bushy eyebrow. Then he raised the other one just to even things out. He hated having lopsided eyebrows.
“You know how stopping a speeding locomotive is all in the wrist?”
“Yeah?”
“You can stop a speeding car the same way.”
“You don’t say.”
“I do say,” Jo said.
Grandpa Joe gave her a high-five. “You can fly, you can stop a train, and you know how to stop a speeding car. Not bad, Jo. What’s next?”
“Don’t forget my famous Knuckle Sandwich.” Jo had one of the best Knuckle Sandwiches the world has ever known. That, along with her Russian Toe Hold and Siberian Ear Tweak, made for one scary superhero.
“What’s next?” Grandpa Joe said again. He hadn’t forgotten about the Knuckle Sandwich; he just wanted to know what other superpowers Jo could come up with.
What’s next? Good question, thought Jo. She hadn’t thought much about it, not really. She was just happy to have stopped a speeding car. What kind of powers could she add to flying and stopping a speeding anything? Jo looked at her grandfather, who was still waiting for an answer. Seconds passed—then minutes. The clock on the wall ticked away. Outside a bird squawked.
And then, suddenly, it hit her. “Invisibility!” she said.
“Perfect,” said Grandpa Joe. “You could get into the movies for free.”
“No, wait a second.” She had a better idea. And now, even her eyebrows shot up. “Not invisibility. Shape-shifting.”
“Fabulous. You could turn yourself into a flea and get into the movies for free.” Grandpa Joe was very big on getting into the movies for free.
“I could sneak around in the abandoned warehouse district, and no one would know I was there.” Getting into the movies for free was all fine and dandy, but she was a superhero. Shape-shifting would come in handy for a superhero. The question was how to do it. “Where’s the Superhero Instruction Manual, Gramps?”
Grandpa Joe pulled the book off a shelf and opened it for a look. “Here it is. Shape-shifting, chapter nine.” He turned to chapter nine and read it to himself. “Hmm,” he said after a while.
Jo hated “Hmms.” Especially her grandpa’s. “Hmms” in general meant something wasn’t quite right. And her grandpa’s “Hmms” were the worst.
“What is it, Gramps?” Jo asked.
“It says that shape-shifting is all about thinking the right sort of shifting thoughts.”
“Hmm...” Jo said. Even though she hated “Hmms,” she couldn’t help herself. Sometimes there was nothing else to say but “Hmm.” She thought about the day she tried to learn to fly by thinking lofty thoughts. It wasn’t easy. Now she had to think shape-shifting thoughts?
“What’s a shape-shifting thought?” Jo asked.
“I suppose you just think about what you want to change into,” her grandpa said. “Want to give it a go, Jo? Try shifting into a dog. Raymond needs a pal.”
“Better a dog than a flea,” Jo said. She thought of herself with a tail and furry paws. She let her tongue flop out of her mouth and threw in a few dog-size pants. Nothing happened. She was just a girl with her tongue hanging out.
“Think harder,” Grandpa Joe said.
Jo thought harder. She scratched herself like a dog. She wagged her behind, even though she didn’t have a tail. She waited for the moon to rise, and went outside and howled at it. Raymond walked over and gave her a look that said, “You’re speaking my lingo.”
Jo howled again. Raymond joined in. It was nice to have someone to howl at the moon with. They howled together, in two-part dog harmony.
But it was no use. Jo looked down at her hands, then she checked for a tail. Nothing had changed—nothing shifted. She was still one hundred percent Jo Schmo.
4
Dyno-Mike
While Jo Schmo was howling at the moon and not changing into a dog, Numb Skull was busy getting ready to commit the crime of the century. Or at least the crime of the week. The point is that it was a crime, and it was his crime, and that was all that mattered.
What was this crime, you ask? By the way, thanks for asking. Numb Skull’s crime involved priceless jewels and gazillionaires and expensive cruise ships. But to make his plan work perfectly, he needed a partner who could blow things up. And he knew just who to call.
Numb Skull picked up the phone and dialed his good friend from his days in Bad Guy School, Dyno-Mike, not to be confused with Firecracker Fred or Kaboom Karl. Fred or Karl would be Numb Skull’s second choice, but they weren’t exactly on speaking terms.
“Dyno-Mike, it’s Numb Skull.” Numb Skull could hear things exploding on the other end of the line. It made it very difficult to carry on a conversation.
“How’d you like to blow up a cruise ship?” Numb Skull yelled. “What’s that? Yes, water is wet ... Yes, the sky is blue ... Of course ice cream is tasty.” Numb Skull smiled. He didn’t even have to talk Dyno-Mike into it. Something needed to be blown up, and Mike would be happy to do the job. “Meet me at my place in the abandoned warehouse district.”
Numb Skull hung up the phone and turned to his good friend Harry Knuckles. Numb Skull and Harry had been friends even before their days in Bad Guy School. Like Numb Skull, Harry was also a retired boxer who had turned evil after being smacked in the head one too many times. Actually, it was a thousand too many times, but who’s counting?
“Dyno-Mike is in,” Numb Skull said.
“Great. What’s the plan?” Harry Knuckles cracked his knuckles, which were, of course, hairy, and listened while Numb Skull explained his evil plan.
The plan was all about sinking a cruise ship full of gazillionaires and stealing their priceless jewels. This was all well and good, as far as Harry Knuckles was concerned. But two things bothered him. One, how would they get the jewels from a ship that was at the bottom of the San Francisco Bay? Two, would he be able to punch anyone? Harry Knuckles was a retired boxer. He hadn’t punched someone in a very long time. He didn’t want to forget how.
“Not to worry,” Numb Skull said. “There will be plenty of security guards to punch.”
“But how will we get the jewels from a sunken ship?”
And right then Numb Skull almost let out his famous evil laugh. As laughs go, Numb Skull had a good one, but he decided to wait until the plot thickened a bit more. Instead, he dragged Harry into his garage to show him more
of his evil plan.
“What is it?” Harry didn’t know what he was staring at. It looked like a metal hot dog that was as big as a car.
“It’s my own personal submarine,” Numb Skull said proudly. “Turbocharged and everything. Zero to fifty in sixty-four seconds. Dyno-Mike will sink the ship, then we’ll swoop in and steal the jewels, and—”
“We’ll be rich beyond our wildest dreams?” Harry said.
“Pretty much.” Just then, Numb Skull didn’t care about waiting until the plot thickened. He could feel his evil laugh climbing up his throat, wanting air. And so he tilted his head back and let it out.
“Mwah-ha-ha!”
Boy, that felt good.
5
Unsweet Dreams
Jo Schmo was pretty upset that she couldn’t shape-shift into a dog. She howled at the moon until she was hoarse. Then she howled some more. But nothing happened.
Later, as she was changing into her green pajamas, she looked down at Raymond and said, “I can’t believe it, Raymond. I can’t shape-shift at all.”
Raymond shot her a look that said, “Yeah, but you’re the second-best moon howler I’ve ever seen.”
Jo got into bed and tied a string around her big toe. The string led out the window and down to her grandpa’s shack. If any crimes were committed in the middle of the night, he would tug on the string to wake her up.
“Good night, Raymond,” Jo said.
Raymond’s look said, “Sweet dreams.”
