Thoughts of Ben flew out the window as she stared at her niece. Destry never talked about her mother. In recent memory, Caidy could only recall a handful of times when Melinda’s name even came up. Destry was so sweet and even-tempered, and Ridge was such an attentive father, she had just assumed the girl had adjusted to losing her mother, but she supposed no child ever completely recovered from that loss, whether she was three at the time or sixteen.
“Does that happen often?” she asked carefully. She didn’t want to cut off the line of dialogue if Destry wanted to open up. “Thinking about your mother, I mean?”
Destry shrugged and added an extra spoonful of brown sugar to her oatmeal. Caidy decided to let it slide for once. “Not really. I can hardly remember her, you know? But I still wonder about her, especially at Christmas. I don’t even know if she’s dead or alive. Gabi at least knows her mom is alive—she’s just being a big jerk.”
Jerk was a kind word for the mother of both Gabi and Becca. She was a first-class bitch, selfish and irresponsible, who had given both of her daughters childhoods filled with uncertainty and turmoil.
“Have you asked your dad about...your mother?”
“No. He doesn’t like to talk about her much.” Destry paused, a spoonful of steaming oatmeal halfway between the bowl and her mouth. “I really don’t remember much about her. I was so little when she left. She wasn’t very nice, was she?”
Another kind phrase. Melinda showed up in a thesaurus as the antonym to nice. She had fooled them all in the beginning, especially Ridge. She had seemed sweet and rather needy and hopelessly in love with him, but time—or perhaps her own natural temperament—had showed a different side of her. By the time she finally left River Bow, just about all of them had been relieved to see her go.
“She was...troubled.” Caidy picked through her words with caution. “I don’t think she had a very happy life when she was your age. Sometimes those bad things in the past can make it tough for a person to see all the good things they have now. I’m afraid that was your mother’s problem.”
Destry appeared to ponder that as she took another spoonful of oatmeal. “It stinks, doesn’t it?” she said quietly after a long moment. “I don’t think I could ever leave my kid, no matter what.”
Her heart ached for this girl and for inexplicable truths. “Neither could I. And yes, you’re right. It does stink. She made some poor choices. Unfortunately, you’ve had to suffer for those. But you need to look at the good things you have. Your dad didn’t go anywhere. He loves you more than anything and he’s been here the whole time showing you that. I’m here and the twins and now their families. You have lots and lots of people who love you, Des. If your mom couldn’t see how wonderful you are, that’s her problem—not yours. Don’t ever forget that.”
“I know. I remember. Most of the time anyway.”
Caidy leaned over and hugged her niece. Des rested her head on her shoulder for just a moment before she returned to her breakfast with her usual equanimity.
Caidy wasn’t the girl’s mother, but she thought she was doing a pretty good job as a surrogate. Worlds better than Melinda would have done, if Caidy did say so herself.
After Destry finished breakfast and helped her clean up the dishes, Caidy had just enough time to spare to run her the quarter mile from the house to the bus stop.
“Ava and Jack aren’t here,” her niece fretted. “Do you think they forgot what time the bus comes? Maybe we should have picked them up.”
“I’m sure Mrs. Michaels knows what time the bus comes,” she answered. “They’ve been here the past few days in plenty of time, haven’t they? Maybe they just caught a ride with their father today.”
“Maybe,” Destry said, though she still looked worried.
Caidy could have given Des a ride into town this morning on her way to the vet, she realized. She hadn’t even thought about that until right now—just as the school bus lumbered over the hill and stopped in front of them with a screech of air brakes.
After Destry climbed on the bus and Caidy waved her off, she hurried back to the house and carried the dog crate out to the ranch’s Suburban, then returned for the dog, who was moving around much more comfortably these days.
“Luke, buddy, you’re not making things easy on me. If not for you, I could pretend the man doesn’t exist.”
The dog tilted his head and gazed at her with an expression that looked almost apologetic. She laughed a little and hooked up his leash before leading him carefully out to the Suburban, where she lifted him carefully into the crate.
Maybe Ridge could take him into the vet for her.
The fleeting thought was far too tempting. As much as she wanted to ask him for the favor, she knew she couldn’t. This was all part of her ongoing effort to prove to herself she wasn’t a complete coward.
For a brief instant as she slid behind the wheel, a random image flitted through her memory—cowering under that shelf in the pantry, gazing at the ribbon of light streaming in under the door and listening to the squelchy sounds of her mother’s breathing.
She pushed away the memories.
Oh, how she loathed Christmas.
She was in a lousy mood when she pulled up in front of the vet clinic, a combination of her worry over Destry missing her mother and missing her own mother, not to mention her reluctance to walk inside that building and face Ben again after all the awkwardness between them.
This was ridiculous. She frowned at herself. She was tough enough to go on roundup every year to get their cattle from the high mountain grazing allotment. She helped Ridge with branding and with breaking new horses and even with castrating steers.
Surely she was tough enough to endure a fifteen-minute checkup with the veterinarian, no matter how sexy the dratted man was.
With that resolve firmly in mind, she moved around to the back of the Suburban with Luke’s leash. Border collies were ferociously smart, though, and he clearly was even more reluctant than she to go inside the building. He fought the leash, wriggling his head this way and that and trying to scramble as far back as he could into the crate.
She imagined this building represented discomfort and fear to him. She could completely understand that, but that didn’t change the fact that he would have to suck it up and go inside anyway.
If she did, he did.
“Come on, Luke. Easy now. There’s a boy. Come on.”
“Problem?”
Her heart kicked up a beat at the familiar voice. She turned with an air of trepidation and there he was in all his gorgeousness. A flood of heat washed over her, seeping into all the cold corners.
“You’ve got a reluctant patient here.” And his reluctant person.
“A common problem in my line of work. I saw you from the window and thought it might be something like that.”
“I didn’t want to yank him out for fear of hurting something.”
He gestured to the crate. “May I?”
“Of course.”
She moved out of the way and he stepped forward, leaning down to the opening of the crate. She tried not to notice the way the morning sunshine gleamed in his dark hair or the breadth of those shoulders under his blue scrubs.
She was beginning to find it extremely unfair that the only man to rev her engine in, well, ever, was somebody who was obviously not interested in a relationship. At least with her.
“Hey there, Luke. How’s my bud?” He spoke in a low, calm voice that sent shivers down her spine. If he ever turned that voice on her, she would turn into a quivery mass of hormones.
“You want to come inside? There’s a good boy. Come on. Yeah. Nothing to worry about here.”
As she watched, Luke surrendered to the spell of that gentle voice and stood docile while Ben hooked on the leash and carefully lifted the dog down to the snowy ground.
“He’s moving well. That’s a good sign.”
Luke promptly lifted a leg against the tire of the Suburban, just in case any other creatures
around wondered to whom it might belong. Ben didn’t seem fazed. No doubt that also was a natural occurrence in his line of work.
After Luke finished, Ben led them to the side door she had used so many times when she worked for Doc Harris. “Let’s just head straight to the exam room. I had a break between patients this morning and I’m all ready for you. We can take care of the paperwork afterward.”
He closed the door and she immediately wondered how such an ordinary act could completely deplete all available oxygen. Being alone with him in this enclosed space left her breathless, off balance and painfully aware of him.
She sank into a chair while he started his exam of the dog. The whole time she tried to ignore that low, calming voice and his easy, comfortable manner with the animal, focusing instead on her mental to-do list before Christmas Eve, which was in less than a week.
“Everything looks good,” Ben finally said. “He’s progressing much more quickly than I expected.”
“Great news. Thank you.”
“If it’s all right with you, I’d like to leave the stitches in for a few more days. I’ll try to stop by over the holidays to remove them.”
“I don’t want you to go to so much trouble. I can probably remove them. I’ve done it before.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You have had experience at this.”
She shrugged. “Most everybody who grows up on a ranch gets basic veterinary experience. It’s part of the life. I took it a little further when I worked with Doc Harris, that’s all.”
“If you ever want another job, I could use an experienced tech.”
Oh, wouldn’t that be a disaster? She couldn’t think straight around the man. She could only imagine what sort of mess she could create trying to help him in a professional capacity.
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Actually, I do need a favor. Advice, really. You know just about everybody in town, don’t you?”
“Most of them. We’ve had some new people move in lately but I’m sure I’ll get around to meeting them.”
“Do you know any after-school babysitters?”
“Is something wrong with Mrs. Michaels?” she asked, concerned all over again about the children not making it to the bus stop that morning.
His sigh was heavy. “No. Not with her, but she has a married daughter in California who just had a baby.”
“Oh, that’s great. I remember you mentioned her daughter was expecting.”
“She wasn’t due for another month, but apparently she went into premature labor yesterday and had the baby this morning. The baby is in the newborn ICU. Anne wants to be there, which I completely get. She’s trying to make arrangements to fly out today so she can be there when her daughter comes home from the hospital, and then she plans to stay through the holidays.”
“Understandable.”
“I know. I do understand, believe me. It just makes my life a little more complicated right now, at least temporarily. The children can always come here after school. I don’t mind having them. But according to Ava, hanging out at the clinic is ‘totally boring.’ Plus Jack can usually find trouble wherever he goes, a skill that sometimes can be a little inconvenient at a clinic filled with ailing animals.”
“I can see where that might pose a problem.”
“I need to find someone for this Saturday at least. We have clinic appointments all day because of our shortened holiday hours next week and I don’t feel right about sticking them here for ten hours.”
Against her will, she felt a pang of sympathy for the man. It couldn’t have been easy, moving to Pine Gulch where he didn’t know anyone. He and his children had left behind any kind of support network, all trace of the familiar. Starting over in a new community would be tough on anyone, especially a single father also trying to keep a demanding business operating.
“This is easily fixed, Ben,” she said impulsively. “Ava and Jack can come to the ranch house after school and hang out with me and Destry. It will be great fun.”
He looked faintly embarrassed. “That wasn’t a hint, I swear. I honestly never even thought about asking you. Because you know everyone in town and all, I thought you might be aware of someone who might be willing to help out this time of year.”
“I do know a few people who do childcare. I can certainly give you some names, if that’s your preference. But I promise, having them come to the ranch after school would be no big deal. Destry would love the company and I might even put them to work with chores. They can ride the bus home with Destry the rest of the week, just like they would if Mrs. Michaels were there. Saturday’s no problem either. Des and I are making Christmas cookies and can always use a couple more hands.”
He shifted. “I don’t want to bother you. I’m sure you’re busy with Christmas.”
“Who isn’t? Don’t worry about it, Ben. If I thought it would be too much of a bother, I wouldn’t have offered.”
“I don’t know.”
He was plainly reluctant to accept the help. Stubborn man. Did he think she was going to attach strings to her offer? One kiss per hour of childcare?
Tempting. Definitely tempting...
“I was only trying to help. I thought it would be a convenient solution to your problem with the side benefit of helping me keep Destry entertained in the big crazy lead-up to Christmas Eve, but it won’t hurt my feelings if you prefer to make other arrangements. You can think about it and let me know.”
“I don’t need to think about it. You’re right. It is the perfect solution.” He was quiet, his hands petting Luke’s fur. Lucky dog.
“It’s tough for me to accept help,” he finally said, surprising her with his raw honesty. “Tougher, probably, to accept help from you, with things so...complicated between us.”
“Complicated. Is that what you call it?” Apparently she wasn’t the only one in tumult over this attraction that simmered between them.
“What word would you use?”
Tense. Sparkly. Exhilarating. She couldn’t use any of those words, despite the truth of them.
“Complicated works, I guess. But this, at least, is relatively easy when you think about it. I like your kids, Ben. I don’t mind having them around. Jack has a hilarious sense of humor and I’m sure he’ll talk my ear off with knock-knock jokes. Ava is a little tougher nut to crack, I’ll admit, but I’m looking forward to the challenge.”
“She’s struggling right now. I guess that’s obvious.”
“The move?”
“She’s angry about that. About everything. My former in-laws did a number on her. They blame me for Brooke’s death and have spent the past two years trying to shove a wedge between Ava and me. Both kids, really, but Jack is still too young to pay them much attention.”
“Do they have any real reason to blame you?” she asked.
“They think they do. Brooke had type 1 diabetes and nearly died having Jack. The doctors told us not to try again. She was determined to have a third child despite the danger. She could be like that. If she wanted something, she couldn’t see any reason why she couldn’t have it. I wasn’t about to risk a pregnancy. We took double precautions—or at least I thought I did. I intended to make things permanent, but the day I was scheduled for the big snip, she told me she was pregnant.”
“Oh, no.”
He raked a hand through his hair with a grimace. “Why am I compelled to spill all this to you?”
She chose her words with Ben as carefully as she had with Destry earlier, sensing if she said the wrong thing to him this fragile connection between them would fray. “I would like to think we can be friends, even if things between us are...complicated.”
He gave a rough laugh. “Friends. All right. I guess I don’t have enough of those around.”
She sensed that wasn’t an admission he was comfortable with either. “You will. Give it time. You just moved in. It takes time to build that kind of trust.”
“Even with my friends back in California, I never felt
right about talking about this. It sounds terrible of me. Disloyal or something. I loved my wife but...some part of me is so damn angry at her. She got pregnant on purpose. I guess that’s obvious. She stopped taking birth control pills and sabotaged the condoms. She thought she knew better than the doctors and me.”
What kind of mother risked her life, her future with a husband who loved her and children who needed her, simply because she wanted something she didn’t have? Caidy couldn’t conceive of it.
“I loved her but she could be stubborn and spoiled when she wanted her way. She wouldn’t consider terminating the pregnancy despite the dangers,” Ben went on. Now that he had started with the story, she sensed he wanted to tell her all of it. “For several months, things were going well. We thought anyway. Then when she was six months along, her glucose levels started jumping all over the place. As best we can figure out, it must have spiked that afternoon and she passed out.”
His hands curled in Luke’s fur. “She was behind the wheel at the time and drove off an overpass. She and the baby both died instantly.”
“Oh, Ben. I’m so sorry.” She wanted to touch him, offer some sort of comfort, but she was afraid to move. What would he do if she wrapped her fingers around his? Friends did that sort of thing, right? Even complicated friends?
“Her parents never forgave me.” He spoke before she could move. “They thought it was all my fault she got pregnant in the first place. If only I’d stayed away from her, et cetera, et cetera. I can’t really blame them.”
She stared. “I can. That’s completely ridiculous. Are they nuts? You were married, for heaven’s sake. What were you supposed to do? It’s not like you were two teenagers having a quickie in the backseat of your car.”
He gave a rough, surprised-sounding laugh, and she was aware of a tiny bubble of happiness inside her that she could make him laugh despite the grim story.
“You’re right. They are a little nuts.” He laughed again and some of the tension in his shoulders started to ease. “No, a lot nuts. That’s the real reason I moved here. Ava was becoming just like my mother-in-law. A little carbon copy, right down to the tight-mouthed expressions and the censorious comments. I won’t let that happen. I’m her father and I’m not about to let them feed her lies and distortions until she hates me.”
A Cold Creek Noel Page 12
