by A. T Brennan
At five-nine he wasn’t short, but with his slender build and cherubic face he seemed so much younger than twenty-one. His big blue eyes were wide and expressive. He wore his blond hair shaved close on the sides but long on top, so it was constantly falling over his forehead and brushing the tops of his cheeks if he didn’t continuously push it back. Everything about him was so beautiful it was almost painful, and it hadn’t taken me long to fall in love with him.
If he’d been any other guy I would have asked him out on a date, and gotten to know him as a romantic interest instead of as a friend.
It might be corny and a little foolish, but I believed in happily ever after, and I wanted it. Most guys I knew were all about hook ups and getting laid, but I wasn’t into casual sex. Not anymore at least. There’d been a time just after high school, when I’d had my first taste of freedom, that I’d gone to the clubs to see what was out there. After a few empty encounters I’d decided I was done with the scene. I wanted a boyfriend and didn’t see the point of sex without emotion.
But Cody was different, and pursuing anything other than friendship with him would have driven him away. Since I’d rather have Cody in my life as a friend over not having him at all, I’d decided to be the best friend to him that I could. My feelings had never faded and I instinctively compared every guy I met to Cody, but it was the way it had to be.
Once the movie was cued up I sat back and picked up my beer. After pulling in a deep breath Cody shifted a little closer to me so he could see the screen better. When I draped my arm over his shoulder in a friendly hold, it took him a moment before he could relax and lean back.
This was progress. Even a few months ago Cody had a hard time sitting so our bodies were touching, and any kind of contact that lasted more than a few seconds would have been too much for him.
Now he could accept and even initiate long hugs, and we could sit like this while we watched movies. It was casual intimacy at best, but it was all Cody could give me and I understood.
* * * * *
“See, not so bad the fifth time around,” I teased as Cody leaned forward to turn the movie off.
“You seriously need to talk to someone about these sadistic tendencies.” He rolled his eyes and started scrolling through my other movies. “Can’t we watch something with a lot of explosions and predictable plotlines?”
“Nope, horror night. You pick the next one.”
“Seriously, professional help.” He glanced over his shoulder at me, then his teasing grin melted into one that looked almost evil.
“No fucking way—”
“You said I could pick.” He gleefully clicked on one of the movies and made sure to set the picture so it filled the screen.
A moment later the movie started and my skin instantly started to crawl as a shiver ran up and down my spine.
One of my biggest fears was spiders. I hated them with a passion. Even a small house spider could make me squeal and jump on my bed like someone was coming at me with an axe, and Cody thought they were cute.
Arachnophobia was the one scary movie he could watch and laugh at, while I nearly had a panic attack for two hours. I deserved it after all the times I’d put on movies that scared him, but that didn’t make it any easier to watch.
“I fucking hate you.” I squeezed my eyes closed and brought my knees up under my chin so my feet were off the floor.
“Aw, come on now. It’s only a movie.” He wrapped his arm over my shoulder and pulled me against him the same way I’d done with him for the last movie.
His body was warm and firm against mine, and the bare skin on of his arm sent a slight tingle through my body as it brushed the back of my neck. It felt so good to be held by him, but at the same time it was torture because this was all he’d ever be able to give me.
At least it was something, and if I was going to be scared shitless by a bunch of hairy, disgusting spiders, then Cody was the one I wanted comforting me.
Somehow I made it through the movie without screaming, but I did spend most of it with my eyes squeezed closed trying not to listen to the people in the movie scream. When it was finally over I untangled myself from Cody’s arm and quickly logged into his Netflix account.
“You okay?”
“Peachy.” I pulled up an episode of Supernatural and sat back.
“Really? Supernatural? Haven’t you gotten your fill of scary shit yet?”
“This is one of their funny episodes. Besides, I need to ogle Sam and Dean right now.” I glanced over at him and nodded to the six pack beside him. Neither of us had had a drink during the last movie. “Pass me one?”
“It’s warm,” he warned as he pulled the last two beers out of the box.
“Warm beer is better than no beer.” I shrugged as we popped the tops off the bottles.
“You sure about that? This stuff is pretty vile.” Cody made a face as he took a sip and I laughed.
“Such a diva.”
“Not a diva, I just have standards.”
“Fuck standards. Life is too short to be hung up on that kind of shit.”
“I don’t think that word means what you think it means.” He playfully bumped my shoulder with his, almost causing me to spill my beer.
“I know what standards means.” I rolled my eyes. “I just mean that you can miss out on a lot of stuff by sticking to what you know.”
“Maybe, but what you know is comfortable.”
“True, but getting out of your comfort zone can be pretty awesome too.” I glanced over at him and saw he was chewing on his lower lip and staring at a point over my shoulder. “Cody?”
“What?” He startled as he looked at me. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”
“About what?”
“It’s nothing.”
I wanted to press but knew he wouldn’t tell me until he was ready. It’s just the way Cody was.
“Sometimes I think I’ll never be able to find my comfort zone, you know?” he said softly as he looked down at his hands.
“What do you mean?” I shifted so I could look at him as he spoke.
“Like, I don’t ever feel comfortable unless I’m around you or the guys at The Den. I wish I wasn’t so afraid, that not everything felt like a threat...”
“Hey, Cody.” I waited until he looked up at me. “It takes time, right? You’re getting better.”
“Almost two years of therapy and I still feel like that scared kid... like I’m never going to be able to get over it, and I’ll spend my entire life alone because I can’t...”
“Cody, sweetheart.” I put my drink down and pulled his out of his hand to put it with mine. “You’re not that kid anymore, and you’re not alone now.”
“I feel like I am.” He looked up at me, his blue eyes wide and filled with sadness, and I wished there was something I could say to make the pain go away.
“You’re not, okay?”
Moving slowly I lifted my hand and gently placed it against Cody’s cheek. I hated how he jumped and flinched the moment my skin touched his, but after a second he was able to sit there and let me cup his face.
“See, this is progress,” I said softly.
“It doesn’t feel like it.”
“Try touching me.”
He looked at me in surprise. It wasn’t the first time we’d experimented with simple touches, but this was getting close to being the most intimate we’d ever been.
After pulling in a deep breath Cody lifted his hand and slowly moved it toward my face. His touch was feather-soft, it was more that I felt the heat from his skin than his actual hand, but it still made my breath catch as a current of electricity moved through me.
I forced myself to keep my face neutral so he wouldn’t see just how much he was affecting me. I didn’t move out of fear of spooking him, so instead I sat passively and watched as he blew out another breath before pressing his hand against my cheek.
Cody looked so conflicted. There was wonder in his eyes, but also pain and fear. I knew thi
s was a big step for him so I waited to see what he would do.
His eyes moved from mine down to my lips, and when his gaze met mine again I could see resolve mixed in with the fear and pain. His hand slid over my cheek and through my hair before he settled it on the back of my neck. The move was pretty innocent, but I was wound so tight I had to fight to keep my breathing even. Thankfully I was wearing jeans so he wouldn’t notice my massive boner unless he looked down.
“You do it too,” he said softly, his voice shaking slightly.
“Okay.”
Moving as slow as he had, I let my hand travel the same path through his hair until I was holding the back of his neck. The move brought us closer together, and our faces were only inches from each other.
“Is this okay?” I asked softly.
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to try more?”
“I...I don’t know if I can.”
“It’s okay. Whatever you want.”
“I want to try.”
“Okay. Do whatever you think you can manage.”
Cody nodded as his eyes moved over my face, and I swear I could feel every single look on my skin like a caress.
His hand tightened on the back of my neck and then he was leaning into me, pulling me to meet him at the same time. I let him move me exactly where he wanted, even though every instinct was telling me to tilt my head so I could finally taste his lips. I knew that would be way too much for him, so I held still and waited.
He angled my head so our foreheads were pressed together, and his breath ghosted over my cheek as it sped up.
“You okay?” I asked softly. I could feel his hand shaking and he was sweating slightly.
“Yeah.” His voice was forced but he wasn’t pushing me away. “Can you try touching me? To see if I can handle it?” he asked, his voice catching several times.
“Where?”
“My leg, by my knee.”
I wanted him to tell me so I didn’t surprise him, or touch him somewhere he’d find too intimate.
Nodding against his forehead I lifted my hand and gently placed it on his leg, right above his knee. His jeans were soft under my hand and he seemed okay with the move.
“Try moving higher,” he said softly, his voice cracking.
Taking my time I slid my hand up his leg until I reached his thigh. The feel of his strong and lean muscles under my palm sent a tingle up my spine, and I stopped a few inches before I reached his groin. His leg was shaking and his breathing sped up, but he held still. It felt like he was adjusting, but a moment later he jerked his leg away from me and dropped his hand with a gasp.
I let go of him and sat back immediately, shifting so there were a few more inches of space between us as Cody covered his face with his hands. I hated to hear the gasping sob he pulled in, but knew that talking or touching him right now would do more harm than good.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered after he’d managed to catch his breath. He dropped his hands, but refused to look up at me.
“Nothing to be sorry for,” I said honestly. “That was a lot.”
“Yeah, too much at the end.”
“It’s okay. I understand, Cody.”
“I hate that you can’t even touch me.” He looked up, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “I’m a fucking freak.”
“You’re not a freak, Cody. You’re amazing.” I desperately wished I could pull him against my body and hug him, but kept still. “You’re amazing, you hear me? You’re getting better, it just takes time.”
“How much time?” he asked desperately
“I don’t know.”
“I hate this.” He sighed and pushed his long hair back from his face.
“I know. It’s hard, but it’s getting better.”
“Slowly but surely, right?” He gave me a small smile and I grinned.
“Slowly but surely.”
“You want to start the episode over?” he asked, nodding to my forgotten laptop.
“We’ve already seen it. How about we finish our beers and go to bed?” I suggested. I could see he was drained. I’d been up since four-thirty this morning so I was getting tired too.
Cody nodded and picked up our beers. He handed me one of them and we sat back to watch the show, sipping the warm drinks as we did.
When we were done I shut the episode off early and closed the laptop. Cody cleaned up the bottles and I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. When I was done Cody took his turn, and I changed into a pair of pajamas that I kept at his place for when I crashed.
I climbed into my side of the bed, making sure to lay down on top of the flat sheet with only the blanket over me.
A few minutes later Cody came into the bedroom dressed in his pajamas and climbed into the other side of the bed, sliding under both the sheet and the blanket.
When we’d first started sharing a bed, he used to wait until I fell asleep before shifting so he was between the sheet and blanket while I’d been under them. I hadn’t even realized it until a few months later when I’d gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and noticed.
When I’d asked him about it the next day he’d admitted it was so we didn’t touch while he was sleeping. There were times we’d end up pressed against each other, but the sheet gave him a sense of security so it didn’t freak him out. I didn’t mind and it made Cody feel safe, so now it was second nature.
“Night, Cody.”
“Night, Isaac.”
I rolled onto my side so my back was to him and fluffed up the pillow a bit. As much as I knew it wasn’t going to happen, a small part of me wished that the day would come where Cody and I could share a bed and sleep under the same sheet. In my fantasy it would be right after we’d made love and we’d fall asleep in each other’s arms feeling happy and sated.
But that wasn’t happening any time soon, and probably not ever, so there was no point dwelling on what would never be.
I heard Cody’s breathing even out and closed my eyes, trying to force myself to go to sleep. I’d just drive myself crazy if I lay here wishing for something I could never have.
* * * * *
The next day passed like pretty much every day we hung out together. We woke up, had breakfast and then played video games until it was late afternoon. To take a break we’d walked up to a sandwich shop to get something to eat, and then headed back to his place to play some more.
Neither of us were into clubs, and Cody tended to shy away from bars unless it was the one he worked at, so we spent most of our time inside or hanging out alone. That was fine with me.
I’d left around midnight since I’d told Noah I’d drive him to a job interview in the morning, and was surprised to see him up and sitting in front of the TV when I got home.
“What are you watching?” I asked as I sat next to him.
“Documentary on meerkats.”
“And this is why we don’t watch movies together.” I grinned and nodded to the envelopes on the coffee table. “Bills?”
“Yeah.”
“How much do I owe you for my share?”
“A hundred even should do it.”
“I’ll transfer it tomorrow.”
“Cool.”
“You okay?” I asked.
Noah had never been a boisterous and outgoing guy, but he was more withdrawn than usual.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“What’s going on?”
“I thought I met someone.”
“Oh?” I glanced at him and tried to hide my surprise. He never went anywhere, where would he have met someone?
“We were talking online for a few weeks. I thought maybe something would happen, but they ghosted.”
“That sucks. Sorry, man.”
“Yeah. Story of my life.” He sighed and glanced at me.
Noah and I were identical and didn’t put a lot of effort into looking different. The only real difference between us was that I wore my hair a little longer than him, and I was more defi
ned because of my job. It had been a blast when we’d been kids, fooling everyone we could and playing pranks on the unsuspecting, but as adults the novelty had worn off.
“You’ll meet someone new. Someone better.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Come on.”
“What?” He looked at me in surprise as I stood.
“Turn off those depressing meerkats and get your ass into the kitchen.”
“Kitchen?” he questioned, but did as I said.
I pointed at the small table we’d shoved in the corner of the kitchen, and he dutifully went to sit at it as I went to the freezer.
I pulled out a nearly full tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream and brought two spoons to the table.
“Ice cream?” He laughed and took one of the spoons from me.
“Ice cream heals everything.” I pointed to the carton with my spoon. “Take a bite and you’ll see I’m right.”
Smiling, Noah did as I said and nodded. “You’re right. It’s a miracle.”
“If you didn’t have that interview tomorrow I would have broken out the vodka and crème de menthe,” I scooped out some of the ice cream and grinned, “and made you a grasshopper shake.”
“When did we start doing that?” he asked, shoving another spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. “I don’t even remember anymore.”
“We had one at Mom’s wedding reception. It was part of the ice cream sundae bar.”
“Oh, right.” He nodded solemnly. “Well, at least one good thing came out of that.”
“Yeah. A new way to get drunk for us and a new family for Mom.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice and Noah put his hand on my arm.
“Mom may have turned her back on us, but we have each other.”
“True.” I nodded and gave his hand a quick squeeze. “It’s her loss.”
“Exactly.” He nodded.
“Okay, now that I’ve completely fucked up ‘operation make Noah happy’, you can revoke my brother card.”
“Nah, you can keep it.” He grinned and scooped out some more ice cream. “This is helping.”
“Nailed it,” I said in a fake, singsong voice, and Noah laughed.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t go that far.”
