by Mia Ford
Her desperation tugs at my heart strings, it churns up all my emotions and leaves me stuck and confused. I don’t know what to think now, it’s all so messy. I don’t want to turn her away and make her life spiral, but I can’t do this. It isn’t right. Even if there wasn’t all this underlying weirdness there, it still isn’t right. I need to keep a professional distance at all times.
“I understand that, Pru, but you must see why this is a tough situation for me.”
“I know, I know.” Tears ball up in the corner of her eyes and I feel dreadful. “I know that I’m asking you to do too much for me, and that I shouldn’t but I’m scared. I’m trying so hard to step out into this bravely, but it isn’t as easy and straightforward as I thought it was going to be.”
I turn away from Pru, knowing that if I keep staring at her I’ll crack, but still her face imprints in my mind. I can see the intense sadness, the horror, the hurt that she’s experiencing, it’s written all over her face like the pages of a tragic book. I promised to be the person to make this easier for her, and now I’m ripping the rug out from underneath her feet just as I put it there. I know that I should for myself, but it isn’t as simple as that. I mean, how truly important is my job if I can’t follow it right through to the very end? What sort of man does that make me?
“It would only be until I get settled, I promise you that,” she says with a quiet voice. “I wouldn’t want to impose on you. I know you’ve already done so much for me.”
I sigh loudly, breathing out my nose with frustration. There’s a piece of my heart that’s cracking and shattering into millions of shards. My head and heart wrestles and I let them duke it out for a while. I need to make the smart choice, not just the emotional one because I have an unhealthy attachment to Pru. But despite all my protests, my heart eventually wins me around.
“Pru, if I let you stay here we have to… we must keep our distance from one another, do you understand that?” I cling onto the side to hold myself up. “We have to behave.”
“What do you mean?” she asks, in a much too innocent voice. “Behave?”
“I mean we can’t do anything like last night,” I continue through gritted teeth. “We can’t act like that around one another. It isn’t right, it isn’t proper. You must understand that.”
Pru doesn’t answer me and a thick silence clings to the air. I don’t turn around at first because I don’t want to see the expression on her face. I’m hurting her, probably breaking her heart, but it’s for the best. At least if she’s here I can oversee everything and make sure that she doesn’t do anything crazy in the long haul to get over me. And she will get over me in the end. It might take her longer if she stays here, but it’ll be fine in the end. She’s much stronger than she knows.
“Pru?” I ask, while tilting me head slightly. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Still she says nothing, so I’m forced to turn back to see her. She hops from foot to foot, something that I’ve noticed she does when she gets nervous. My arms instinctively reach out to wrap around her, but I stop them at the last minute and I allow them to fall by my sides. That’s just the sort of shit that I was talking about, the stuff I really cannot do with Pru. I just need to keep away.
“I do understand what you’re saying,” she says with a sorrowful voice. “And I know that you’re right. Last night was… it was my fault. I never should have… well, you know. I just wanted you to know how grateful I was. For letting me stay here and stuff. It didn’t mean… anything.” She’s lying, we both know that. “I won’t step out of line again. I just want to be somewhere I feel safe.”
I can’t turn her down, I’ve never been very good at letting Pru down and it seems that this is the same right now. Even when absolutely everything is on the line I can’t say no.
“And another thing, you cannot let anyone know that you’re here, do you understand? I can’t risk losing out on my job because I’ve allowed you to stay here. Your official address will be your apartment, okay?” I know I’m being firm, but that feels necessary to me right now.
“Of course, I won’t tell anyone. It’ll be our little secret.” She delights in sharing a secret with me, but I try to ignore that. I also have to ignore the way it makes me feel inside too. “I’ll be good, I promise you and I’ll be out before you can ever get into any trouble. Thank you, Logan.”
She takes a step closer to me which instantly makes me bolt up. The chasm of distance between us needs to be even bigger than ever. “I have to go to work,” I remind her. “But you don’t start today, do you?” She shakes her head rapidly. “Okay, well you stay here today. Just keep out of view, okay? And I’ll try my hardest not to be late back.” I cock my head curiously at her. “Will you be okay? You can take a shower, watch TV, read any books I have, or use the laptop. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and there are drinks, so I’m sure there’s nothing you need to go out for…”
“I’ll be fine,” she reassures me. “Thank you, Logan. In fact, I’m going to take a shower right now. You… you have a good day at work and I’ll see you later on when you get home.”
I watch her skip from the room, all lightness now. She shimmies into my bathroom and I hear the water switch on. The idea that she’s about to strip down and step into my shower has my mouth salivating desperately. There’s a deep dark part of myself that wants to forget everything that I just said and to leap in the shower with her, to get that satisfaction that I’m so desperately craving, but I don’t. I force my feet to remain exactly where they are until it’s time for me to walk in the other direction, towards the door. I have to get to work, there isn’t any other option.
By the time I get into my car, the panting breaths are desperately falling out of my mouth. The danger of this damn crazy situation hits me even harder and I feel like I might actually fall apart. I bang my hands angrily against the steering wheel, hating myself for being so weak. Now I have to do the impossible. I have to go into work and act like all is okay. I have to pretend to all my colleagues that I don’t have Pru damn well living in my house like she’s my girlfriend or something.
Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not close to any of them, they would be able to see through me.
“Idiot,” I mutter to myself as I put my car into gear. “Idiot, idiot, idiot.”
I don’t think I’ve been played, I’m sure Pru’s emotions were genuine, but only time will tell how true that is. I’ll just have to give her enough time to settle into her job then I’ll bring up her apartment again. Maybe the idea of her living in the apartment in this building isn’t such a bad idea after all. That way she’ll feel safe, I can still watch her, and we’ll have the separation that we both so clearly need. We’ll have walls between us, making it impossible for us to kiss and anything more.
I whiz along the roads, probably much too quickly because I’m barely thinking straight and I head straight towards the office, feeling like I’m headed into doom. To my death, even.
No one knows, there’s no way anyone will be able to already tell what I’ve done, but I feel exposed and vulnerable, like my heart is pounding on my sleeve.
Just get today out of the way, I reassure myself. After that it’ll get easier, and like Pru said it won’t be for long.
Chapter Eighteen – Prudence
My heart hammers as I slide the new uniform over my body, preparing myself for my first day at work. I spent most of yesterday trying to prepare myself for this, but still I don’t feel ready. I feel like the fact that I’ve been so closed off from the world will instantly be obvious and I’ll be picked on for it. The girls liked me when I first met them, but things might be different now. They might have just been being polite. Oh God, what if they absolutely despise me and it’s miserable? What if I made the wrong choice by picking this job and I live to regret it every day?
“Pru, are you coming out yet?” Logan calls from the other side of the door in a reassuring tone of voice. “Come on, the uniform can’t be
that bad. Let me see it.”
The nerves subside a little at the sound of voice. I’m so glad that I’m here with him and not alone. I don’t know if I’d be able to get out the house if I was. I’ve never been happier that he decided to cave and let me stay. There was a moment when I definitely didn’t think he would.
“I’m coming,” I call back in a sing song tone of voice. “Hold on let me just…”
I straighten down the pencil skirt, puff out the blouse, and smile at my reflection. I have my hair scraped back into a ponytail and a little bit of make-up dusted on my cheeks, and I think I look quite nice. Especially when I slip my feet into the heels that go with it, raising me up higher.
Finally, I give up and I exit the room, holding my shoulders back and my head high. Logan’s eyes practically bug out of his head as he sees me, almost as if I look sexy. Of course I don’t, I’m really covered up, but I like the way that his reaction makes me feel all the same.
“So, do I look okay?” I ask while turning around to show him the outfit from every angle.
“You look wonderful, Pru,” he gushes while clutching his hands to his chest. “Oh wow, you look like you can take on the world. Are you excited about your first day?”
He’s in a much better mood than he was yesterday, but I think that’s because he was nervous. He had to go to work after agreeing to let me stay with him, which probably freaked him out.
“I think so.” I don’t want to bore him with my anxiety. “It should be fine, right?”
“You had a great time at the job interview, didn’t you? I think that guarantees you a good start.”
I really hope that he’s right. “Yeah, well I suppose I better go. There will be a bus in a moment.”
The best thing about my apartment was how near it was to the job. Logan’s is miles away and involves a lot of trouble but I don’t mind. I would still much rather be here with him.
“You know I would give you a ride, don’t you? If I could, I mean. But we cannot risk…”
“I know, I know.” I almost roll my eyes at him. “We can’t risk being seen. Even if it’s just one friend helping out another. I understand that. I don’t mind getting the bus anyway, it’ll be fine.”
Of course that turns out to be famous last words. When I actually try and get the bus it’s a nightmare. I can’t find the bus stop easily, then I can’t work out which bus I need to get onto, then when I actually work it out which one I need to get onto it’s horrible. The bus is smelly, it’s uncomfortable to ride in, and the other people on it scare me. Like, really badly. The women aren’t too bad, they don’t even really register on my radar, but the men seem to have dagger eyes, staring into my soul and crushing me violently along the way. It’s hard to breathe, I can’t really stand it.
By the time the bus pulls up as near to the store as it goes, I hop out and suck in a couple of deep and calming breaths. I would like much more time to get myself in order, but I’m nearly late now and I don’t want to make a bad impression. My first day is going to be terrifying enough.
Come on, Pru, I hold my head high as I give myself a pep talk. Just survive this.
My eyes flick up at the store sigh, making my heart stop dead in my chest for just a second. This place that looked so inviting not so long ago now looks like it has monster teeth ready to pierce my skin and consume me. I’m about to step willingly into it, allowing myself to be swallowed up,
“Ah, Prudence,” a strong male voice calls out to me, beckoning me inside. “You’re here. Good, are you ready for your first day? It’s going to be a busy one, we have a sale on…”
I follow him in on autopilot, knowing that’s what I’m supposed to do, and I see a gaggle of girls behind him, two of which I recognize from the time I came for my interview.
I lift one hand to half wave and thankfully all four of them wave back at me. They look friendly enough, which is a good thing. This is why I’m here after all, to make friends.
“Right, Prudence, I’m just going to take you through our sales techniques before we open up…”
“Mr. Turner, really?” One of the girls rolls her eyes. “Do you have to be so heavy right away? Can we not introduce ourselves first?” She doesn’t wait for him to answer, she just bolts right through displaying a confidence that I could only dream about. “I’m Alice, this is Hayley, Sue, and Becky. We’ll look after you today so you don’t have to suffer the long speech about sales…”
“I’m doing it anyway,” Mr. Turner says firmly. “So, you might as well endure it.”
I try to listen to him, I really do, but as he drones on about closing and the one, two, three technique, my brain switches off. Then when he gets into bait and switch I’m gone. My brain is with the four girls and their incessant giggling behind his back. Sales, I’m sure that I’ll figure out, but friendship is going to take some time. I would rather cultivate that side first.
Finally, the speech ends and it’s time to get to get to work. The store doors open, and as Mr. Turner suggested it’s really busy. Endless streams of people fill the store end to end, and all of a sudden, I’m in the deep end. The other girls head off in every direction, already knowing what to do, leaving me completely and utterly by myself. I should have listened…
I can do this, I tell my panicky heart. I’ll figure it out as I go.
“Hello there…” I say quietly to one person who looks a little friendlier, but she turns her back on me, shutting me down completely. “Hi, can I help you?” I try with someone else. Nope, nothing. No response at all. “Erm, I like that… the top will look really nice on you…”
Shit, why didn’t I listen? I don’t know what to do now! I glance around wildly, searching for an escape route but there doesn’t seem to be one Just keep trying, don’t be knocked down.
This is what the real world must be like, swimming against the tide for a while. I suppose it would be naïve of me to assume that I would just step into this and all would be okay, it’s going to take some work. I need to keep thrashing and swimming until it becomes easier. Soon enough I’m sure I’ll be like Alice and the other girls who aren’t having any issues at all, and I’ll be swimming with the tide instead. I just need to get there myself, then it’ll be absolutely fine.
I try again, holding my head high. “Hi, can I help you with something…”
“Where are the scarves?” one girl asks me coldly. “I need a black scarf.”
“Oh right, erm…” Again, this was something that Mr. Turner probably told me, but I was too busy trying to slide myself into the social group to care. “They are… over there.”
“No.” All of a sudden, I’m shocked by Mr. Turner’s voice right behind me. “They are over in the left-hand corner. Please, let me come with you to assist you with that.”
He shoots me an angry look as he stalks off with the customer which makes me feel sick. My stomach churns, butterflies flap angrily, turning into birds, and my heart becomes encased in an ice-cold sensation. I’m screwed I know it, I’m in a real idiotic mess here. One of my own making.
I flick my eyes everywhere, begging for someone to rescue me from this horrible situation, but there isn’t anyone. I’m on my own, I have no comfort blanket to fall on because I’m an adult, completely by myself. This is how it has to be now, I can’t be sheltered forever.
With that thought, my chest gets unbearably tight, I can’t breathe anymore. I try my hardest to suck back air, probably looking like an insane person to everyone else, but I don’t care. I can’t breathe at all, my throat has closed over, my lungs are squeezed tight. There’s no way I can stay alive like this! My hand reaches up to my throat, I hold it for protection, but it still doesn’t help.
My vision blurs and starts to go black and the sounds all shut off around me. I truly am alone now, stuck in my own little bubble, but it isn’t peaceful. Still, it’s terrifying.
Help, my brain screams out. Help me, please someone, see what’s happening here…
Just as I’m
certain that I might fall, I feel a hand wrap around my arm and I’m yanked. I don’t know what’s happening or where I’m going, but it has to be better than here.
“Are you okay? Here, please drink some water. Sit down, I think you need to sit.”
My vision eventually clears a little and I see Alice standing in front of me, her face filled with concern. She hands me a glass and I drink from it, the water shaking all the way into my mouth and down my throat. It tastes good, really nice and cold.
“Right, Alice.” All of a sudden, I can hear Mr. Turner. “You go back to work, I’m here now.”
Alice leaves and Mr. Turner comes into view. I brace myself, waiting for him to yell at me, but somehow there isn’t any anger in his face at all. He is simply looking at me with concern.
“Are you okay, Prudence? What happened out there?”
“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t know where the scarves were and I should have listened, I shouldn’t…”
“No, no. I didn’t mean that. I mean are you sick? You don’t look well at all.”
He rests his hands on my shoulders in what I presume is supposed to be a reassuring gesture but instantly I flinch backwards. I can’t stand the sensation of his hand on my skin, I hate the way that anyone touching me feels. Especially anyone male.
Well, except for Logan, he’s a very different story.
“You can go home if you feel sick, I don’t mind you starting tomorrow.”
