by Mia Ford
The world is spinning around me, I need to sit down. I crash into the first chair I can find. Mom’s words twirl around me, but I’m still too drunk from last night to focus on any of them properly. “I don’t know what to say to you, Mom. I think by this point it’s just better for us both to keep out of Serena’s life.”
Mom sits down opposite and she gives me an intense look. It’s hard for me to focus, but her piercing eyes get through. “Can you honestly tell me that you don’t miss Serena? That you aren’t interested in the babies at all?” I shrug childishly, unable to answer her. “Then you need to make an effort. You need to clean yourself up.”
“I can’t, it isn’t that easy.”
Mom sighs loudly and she shakes her head. “Son. I’m going to tell you something now that I haven’t told you before, because I never wanted to damage your view of him...”
“Him, who?” I ask. There’s a horrible sensation in my heart that I’m not going to like what comes next.
“Your father.” Yep, I’m right. This is definitely something I don’t want to know. “He was a wonderful man, don’t get me wrong, and we had a great marriage... but right now, you remind me of him.”
“What do you mean?” I gasp out thickly.
“I mean... he had an addictive personality and I think you do too. He could never just drink, he always had to end up wasted. He could never just do something, he had to go all out, dedicating everything to it, a bit like you and your business.” I don’t know if I’m supposed to hate that, but it feels nice to have a connection to him. “Sometimes that sent him into self destruct mode. A bit like you, right now. I remember this all the time with him. It was hard for me, a battle every day during his outbursts, and then of course it eventually killed him.”
“Huh?” That catches my attention. “But I thought that he was caught in a crash with a drunk driver on the way home from work?” That’s what I’ve always been told, why would I believe anything else? I wait impatiently for Mom to explain.
“Oh he was killed by a drunk driver alright, but it was him.” She grips onto my hand and gives me a stare. “I never wanted to tell you this because I didn’t want to taint your opinion of him when he wasn’t around to defend himself. But now I think you need to know. He was driving home from work, but he was wasted and he drove straight into a tree.” Her eyes flicker downwards, she looks absolutely gutted. “I always warned him something like that would happen, but he wouldn’t listen. It didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t ever save him. I really want to be able to save you.”
My heart sinks, her words actually affect me. I cannot believe it. My dad went down a spiral, a bit like what I’m doing right now, and it killed him. Maybe that will happen to me too, maybe it’s in my genes, I just don’t know. I don’t want that to be me, I don’t want to end up ploughing my car into a tree in a drunken state.
“I know this might come as a shock to you, Ben, and I do apologise for keeping it from you, I just thought it was the right thing to do. Now I’m not so sure that it was.”
“Y... yeah,” I don’t know what to say. My head feels way too fuzzy to be dealing with this nightmare. “It is a bit of a shock.”
“Well I just hope that it helps. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you go to bed and sleep this off, let it all sink in a bit. I’ll ring your office and make sure everyone else has it under control. Then I’ll tidy this place up. When you get up again we can really have a talk about things and think about what you want to do next.”
All the fight has zapped from my body, which is probably because I think Mom might be right. I’m certainly not happy at the moment and nothing is improving in my life. I can’t seem to party like I used to, I can’t manage the balance between having fun and totally losing control. Something inside me has changed irrevocably and I can’t seem to get it back. I think it’s time to give up and to try it someone else’s way. I’m ready to relinquish control of my life for now to see if someone else can do a better job.
“Thanks, Mom. I think I will.”
As I stagger upwards I fall forwards slightly and Mom catches me. As she pulls me in for a hug I allow her to do so because I really need some comfort. Pushing everyone away has always been what I’ve done, but it’s never hurt this much before. Serena has done more than get under my skin, she has crawled in there and set up home and now I want her back.
“It’s two babies, Mom,” I admit quietly. “She’s having twins.”
“Oh, Ben, you are going to have to make it up with her. You do understand that. Don’t you? Especially now, one baby is hard enough but two... plus I really want to be a part of their lives.”
“I know, Mom, and I’m sorry. I’ve been an idiot, but I won’t let that happen again. I promise you.”
She pulls back to look at me, gives me a sweet smile then sends me off to bed. As I go all I can think about is her words. I do need t o make it up to Serena, that makes so much sense. I want to as well. I probably should wait until I’ve slept and I can speak to her in a much more sensible way, but there’s a deep itch in my chest that needs to do it now. Like right now. With the alcohol still coursing through my system I can’t help myself, I need to know right now.
Screw it.
I pull out my phone and hit dial just as I fall into my bedroom. I collapse onto my soft bed and wait for her to answer. I’m still not sure she will, I do think I might have left it too long, but I need to at least try.
“H... hello?” she sounds unsure. “Ben, is that you?”
“Yeah, tis me.” Shit, I sound about as drunk as I feel. “How are you?”
She pauses for a moment before answering. “Are you serious? You wait until I’m almost six months pregnant and then you call me just to say how are you? And are you drunk at this time of the morning? You sound it.”
I can’t help it, that riles me up. I’m offering an olive branch here and she’s throwing it back in my face. “No, I obviously want to know how my babies are doing,” I snap back. “And I think I have a right to as well, since I’m their father.”
“Babies... so you did get my voice mail, probably my text too. What makes you think you suddenly have a right to know anything when you’ve been ignoring me all this time?”
What a bitch, why is she jumping down my throat? This chat wasn’t supposed to go like this at all. “I just want to know, Serena, I don’t want to fight.”
“You don’t want to fight?” Now she sounds really angry. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve struggled? I’ve had to do all this by myself with no money, nowhere to live, no help... do you know how much doctor’s bills are?”
“So this is all about money? I’ll refund you...”
“No, Ben, not everything is all about money. Maybe if you get your head out your ass you’ll see that.”
Mom might be all for me making up with Serena, but how can I when she’s being a stubborn cow? How am I supposed to make up with someone who doesn’t want to know?
“I’m just trying to help...”
“Well, it’s too late for you to help, Ben. And it certainly isn’t going to work with you calling me while drunk. That proves absolutely nothing except that you can’t be trusted. I don’t think you should call me again, Ben. Not unless you’re actually going to be serious.”
“I am serious, Serena. You can’t keep my baby away from me.”
“I’m not trying to...” She tries to interrupt, but I’m on a role now, acting like father of the year even though I haven’t done anything as yet. I can hear myself, I can see what I’m doing, but I just can’t seem to stop myself from acting like an idiot. It’s almost like I’m not even in my body at all now.
“I’ll get lawyers, I’ll go for custardy, I have rights...”
“Ben.” Her tone is so firm, I can’t ignore her again. “Don’t call me again.”
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
“But...” It’s too late, she’s gone, taking my last hope with her.
Th
e dial tone fills my ears and I feel like I might throw up. That is not how I wanted that call to go, maybe I should have waited until I was full sober. That was foolish, I might have wrecked things forever more. At least I still have my mom downstairs, she’ll somehow sort me out. I need her now more than ever. I don’t think I can do this by myself anymore. Everything I touch turns to shit, I’m like a freaking disaster area.
For now all I can do is sleep it off, just like Mom said. I should have listened to her all along. Clearly she knows better than me, I don’t know what’s good for me anymore. I’m just a mess.
Tomorrow will have to be a brand new day, I’ll just have to hope that I find a way to make all of this right. Somehow...
Chapter Twenty Four – Serena
I hang up the phone and throw it across the bed with tears in my eyes. I just cannot believe it. After months and months of hearing nothing, he calls me now with that attitude? He has to be kidding me!
“Who was that?”
Relief floods me as Jenny walks in the room. Thank God she’s back, I don’t know how I would do this without her. She keeps insisting that she didn’t come back from her life dancing on the cruise to look after me, that it was because she got a chance to dance in a music video – which I know is true, she’s been in a few – but I think a part of it was me as well. She feels bad for me, she thinks I’m young and naïve and I’ve been stupid.
She’s right, and I hate that she’s right.
“It was Ben.” I can’t see any point in lying to her, not when I’m on the verge of tears. “He rang me up saying it’s his right to know what’s going on with the baby.”
“He what?” she shrieks. “Are you freaking kidding me? What an asshole. He has no right. He hasn’t been to any of the doctor’s appointments, he hasn’t even bothered to see you, what the hell gives him any right to do anything?” She bangs her fists down on the table in frustration. “He’s probably been out there doing God knows what with God knows who and you’ve been pregnant with his baby the entire time. I’m about to kick some ass.”
“He was drunk as well. I don’t know if he’s drunk from last night or drunk from this morning.” I shake my head, disappointed in what happened to Ben. Although maybe this didn’t happen, maybe he was always like this and I just didn’t see it. “But yeah, he’s a mess.”
Jenny smiles at me, but I can see the strain behind her expression. She’s mad, but she’s trying to hide it. “Yeah well it’s just a good job that he isn’t in your life anymore.... do you have work this morning?”
“Urgh, yeah.” I don’t mind my new job at the moment, I’m quite happy temping in an office, spending most of my time photocopying, it isn’t taxing and the people there are pleasant enough, but I’m constantly worried about the dwindling bundle of money that Mom and Dad gave me. I still have plenty, but I’m sure it won’t be plenty once the babies come. The job doesn’t pay enough. Plus, admittedly, I am a bit of a freak there with my absolutely massive swollen belly. Turns out a twin pregnancy is much bigger than a normal one. “I’m just on my way out now actually. Do you have anywhere to be today?”
She leans in and stage whispers to me. “I’m dancing in another video today. No names, but it’s that of a famous rapper.”
I love that Jenny is getting far with her career, she deserves it. I’m not surprised, she’s feisty and fiery and a go getter. She’s good at dancing too, much better than I thought she was which is actually not that surprising. Trust my best friend to have some secret amazing talent.
“That’s awesome. I can’t wait to see it.”
“Come on, we’ll walk to the subway together... oh hang on, I just need to grab my bag, wait a minute...”
As she leaves the room, I hear my cell phone bleep out and a message plasters across the screen. The phone number is Ben’s so my eyes immediately roll up into the back of my skull, just to stop me from crying. I don’t want to hear from him, I don’t ever want to speak to him again. Doesn’t he get that? Didn’t I make that very clear?
‘Serena, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean too...’
That’s it, nothing more. Half a badly written message is all I deserve. Makes sense, I suppose that’s a bit like what our relationship was like. Half hearted, slightly uncaring, doomed to failure. Now I just need to get through the next few months without speaking to him again. I don’t need to concentrate on him anyway, I’ve got two up and coming babies to think about...
***
‘Serena, please don’t keep ignoring me...’
I don’t even bother to read this one. The last two and a half months has been full of these messages. One he even pretended was from his Mom, it was tragic. I just don’t want anything to do with him anymore, and no amount of endless messages is going to change that. I gave him his chance and he screwed it up. I don’t want him messing up our babies like he has me. I have to be strong enough for the both of them.
“Him again?” Jenny asks with concern in her eyes. “Are you just going to keep on ignoring him forever more?”
“What are you on about, Jenny? You were the one ready to kick his ass not that long ago.” I can’t believe she actually looks like she might not be on my side for once. “I can’t think about it now. I have this heaving bump to worry about. I don’t care about him, just like he’s never cared about me.”
A guilty expression crosses Jenny’s face and I can tell that something has happened. I don’t know if I want to know what really, but at the same time I’m desperate to. I shove my hands onto my hips the best that I can and I glare at her until she finally reveals all.
“I ran into Tia today...”
“Tia? My old roommate? The girl that you fell out with over a guy?” I can’t believe it, this is insane. I thought they despised one another, it’s one of the reasons that I don’t see Tia much anymore myself. “What the hell?”
“Well, Mike is back in her life. Or at least, he’s trying to be. So we got together to hatch up a revenge plot. It was good for me to go back anyway, I haven’t seen the guys from CeeLow’s for a while.”
I’m stunned, almost into silence. “What do you mean? What happened?”
“Well, after we hatched our revenge plan – which I’ll totally tell you about later because it’s brilliant – you came up. Ben too. She sees him a lot because he comes into the club...”
“Drinking and sleeping with women, no doubt.”
“No. None of that actually, he comes into the club to talk to her because he’s lonely. He misses you like crazy and he wants to change. Apparently he really is sorry and he does want to be involved with the babies lives. It seems like he really is a different person.... and I know Tia wouldn’t say all of that if she didn’t mean it.”
I clutch onto my stomach as a wave of pain hits me. It’s shock, I know it is, I cannot for the life of me believe what I’m hearing. “I don’t need this now, Jenny. In case you haven’t noticed I’m about to have my babies. I don’t want to even think about him. I don’t care how sorry he is or whatever. It’s come much too late.”
Jenny moves over to me and she rubs my back in a reassuring gesture. “I know you don’t need this, Serena, but I think it’s best that you hear what’s going on, don’t you?”
I breathe deeply, a hotness radiates right through my body at a million miles an hour. My head is dizzy, I feel sick, it’s as if I’m going into real life shock. “I don’t... I don’t know...”
“Serena?” Her voice sounds different now, I almost can’t hear her. “Serena? Are you okay?”
“Hurts...” I splutter out. “It hurts.”
“Are you in labour? Are these contractions?” She’s panicking now, I can hear it, but that feels distant from me. I’m trapped in the bubble where it’s just me and my brain. “What do I do? Shall I call a doctor? Do we need to get to the hospital? What do we do? What does it say in your baby book?”
As she moves from me to try and figure out what she’s going to do I collapse onto the couch in agony
. This isn’t supposed to be happening yet, I still have a couple of weeks. I wanted to work right up until the very end for the money, but now it seems that the end has come already.
I’m about to be a Mom. I’m about to really have these babies... all by myself.
“Oh my God.” I feel a popping sensation and then a weirdly warm water drips down my legs. This is too quick. I don’t know much about giving birth because I haven’t done it before but I know my waters shouldn’t have broken already. This is wrong, I need to be in a hospital quickly before I get some sort of infection. “Jenny, I need to go. We need to get to the hospital right now.”
She tucks her hands under my armpits and pulls me into a standing position. It’s hard because my body is resistant, but eventually we manage it. She gets me standing and calls a cab, all the while my body and my mind is a hot mess. I ache everywhere, bolts of agony shoot right through me, my mind is full of confusing thoughts.
The main one I think is I cannot do this alone.
“Jenny, I need him,” I tell her weakly. “I need him.”
“Him?” She guides me towards the door. “Him who?”
“Ben.” I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help myself. I want him by my side, I don’t want to be the one to blame for him missing the birth of his twins. If he doesn’t come, that’s his own choice. But it cannot be my fault. “I know what I said before, but I think he needs to be here.”
