by Allen, Jacob
“Adam…” I moaned, so aroused and so much in heat.
He went down my belly, kissing every inch of the way, making me quiver and shake in excitement. He got to my shorts, unbuttoned them, and tried to yank them off.
But suddenly, I felt heavy nervousness. I was willing to do this with Adam in my head, and my hesitation had nothing to do with Adam the person. It had everything to do with the fact that I was exploring sexual territory I had never gone into before. That was terrifying.
What if it was bad? What if I didn’t orgasm? What if Adam didn’t enjoy it?
“Do you trust me?” he said.
I shook out of my stupor of thoughts and looked at him. Yes, yes I did. I didn’t fully trust us yet to be something that could be like our younger days, but we couldn’t be that anyways. We had to grow up.
This was part of that.
I nodded.
“Then know I will make you feel only pleasure,” he said.
I believed him. I closed my eyes as he took off my shorts and then my underwear. For the first time ever, I was fully naked before a man who was about to have sex with me.
Why were those words so easy to say in sex ed or biology class but so hard to actually live out in the moment?
I opened my eyes for just a moment to see Adam’s lips hovering near my sex. I smiled.
“What are you doing?” I said.
He leaned forward, kissed me there, and had me feel like the hands of a thousand massages had just crawled through my body.
“Making sure you come first.”
I wanted to say that this was for both of us, but Adam pressed his tongue onto my clit and then inside me, and all thoughts of making rational conversation in that moment vanished like a snap of a finger. I was in for a ride like no other; no, I couldn’t even compare it to anything else. This was a pleasure that was indescribable, other than to say it was persistent, the best I’d ever felt, and something that I needed a hell lot more of in my life.
I grabbed for Adam’s hair, holding on and trying to keep him in place at the same time. I felt the area around my hips tighten, slowly getting more and more tense with every lick, thrust, and press that he did with his tongue. Adam was good. Very good. Just because I didn’t know what bad looked and felt like didn’t mean I couldn’t make a fair conclusion that Adam had amazing oral sex skills.
“Adam…” I moaned.
Adam, his mouth still covering me completely below, just looked up with his eyes. Oh, those powerful, deep, strong eyes.
I felt a surge of something inside, the tensing reaching a maximum crescendo. In a rational, unaffected state, I would have recognized this as an impending orgasm. In that moment, though, it just led to me panting harder, arching my head back father, and heat rushing through my body further. I begged Adam not to stop.
Then it hit me.
My first, and quite possibly most perfect, orgasm.
My legs shook and my chest heaved, but that was nothing in comparison to the internal feelings I felt. I screamed, likely loudly enough for the neighbors to hear. My sex pulsed and tensed with pleasure. My hand probably ripped off a few hair strands from Adam.
And it lasted for what felt like half a minute!
It was only when it got too good that I shoved Adam away. He crawled up to the edge of the bed and sat there as I slowly—very slowly—came down.
“Oh my God,” I whimpered, feeling powerless before the orgasm that had just coursed through my body. “You’re so good.”
He chuckled.
“Funny you should say that,” he said. “I’ve never eaten anyone out before.”
I sat up and looked in shock. Really?
“I’m usually selfish,” he said. “With you, it just felt right.”
“Oh, Adam—”
“But now it’s my turn.”
It was a sweet moment that didn’t really last that long. But it didn’t need to last for hours and hours. That’s why it was called a moment and not a minute. It was a moment that I held up as further evidence that Adam and I… maybe we could make this work. For how much we cared about each other, we certainly needed to give it a shot.
He shrugged off his pants as he crawled to me, leaving only his boxers. He started to take those off, too, but I stopped him.
“Let me feel it,” I said.
Adam paused about two feet from my face. First, I put my hand onto him. He was stiff, thick, and long. Again, I had nothing to compare it to, and I trusted my body to handle it, but it was going to be really interesting to see how this would play out. Would it be too big? Or maybe, somehow—though admittedly doubtfully—too small? Would it be just the right size, but not really pleasure me?
Next, I ran my hands under his boxers, reaching up through his boxers and actually grabbing his shaft. It had much more veins and hardness to it than I would have guessed. Again, I had nothing to compare it to but my imagination, but it was certainly more… more of everything.
Finally, I pulled it down and gave it a few good strokes. I heard Adam softly moan, even saying my name.
“That feels good?” I asked.
I knew some girls could talk dirty. I figured I could become one of them, but on this first pass, that wasn’t going to happen. I needed confidence I could do things right.
“Everything you do feels good, Emily.”
Adam literally could not have picked a better thing to say. It gave me the confidence to try some things on him.
First, I stroked a little harder and with a little firmer grip. Even for as hard as he was, I could feel him getting even harder in me, which I took as my cue that I was doing things right.
Next, I put him in my mouth. I used some combination of my tongue and suctioning with my lips to get him off. Adam’s groans told me I was doing things right, or at least right enough. I figured this wasn’t the last time we’d have sex, and I knew that we’d talk more and more.
But it didn’t take long for Adam to make his own demand.
“I have to be inside you, Em,” he said.
Em. I haven’t heard that since three years ago. Since…
“Do it, Adam,” I said, slowly stroking him. “Do it.”
He reached behind him, grabbed a condom in his pants, and put it on. He then slid into position between my legs, which I spread. I was surprised that I didn’t have any hesitation in this moment. Now that we’d gotten this far, I supposed there was nothing holding me back from going for the rest of it.
“You good?” he asked.
“Fuck yeah,” I said, leaning up to kiss him.
I held that kiss as I felt him go inside of me. I muffled a groan as his cock seemed to dig further and further in, until finally I felt his hips press into mine.
Then he lurched back out slowly, the dragging also pleasuring me, before diving right back in.
The only thing I didn’t like about this was that it had taken me this long to experience this. But, then again, maybe if I’d done this when we were younger, it wouldn’t have meant as much.
“Oh, Adam,” I gasped.
He got into a steady, slow rhythm. I needed this man. I needed all of him. I wrapped my legs and my arms around him, tightening myself to him, holding as close as I could. I never wanted to let him go. I wanted his thick shaft inside of me all the time, but more than that, I wanted Adam the person with me.
We cycled through a variety of positions in the next few minutes, but Adam kept telling me he couldn’t hold out much longer. It made me feel real good when he told me the reason was because I was so perfect for him, I was going to make him finish so quickly.
He finally did reach the end, his cock swelling and coming all of his seed into his condom, when we had gone back to the original missionary position. I felt his muscles clench throughout his entire body as he finished, and I ran my hands gently over his back. When he finished coming, his body crumbled into mine. I kissed his cheek and all over his head.
“Oh, baby,” I said.
“You
can say that again.”
Adam came out of me, a feeling that gave me one last rush of pleasure, before he got up and threw the condom away in the nearest bathroom. He and I took turns in there, and when we both finished, with the hall light being the only source of visibility, we cuddled on the bed, as naked as the day we were born.
“I’m so glad I shared my first time with you, Adam,” I said.
He smiled at me but didn’t respond. I hesitated to say anything, knowing that that was probably because his number was several dozen, if not higher. But the fact that I was the first woman he went down on…
He might have fucked several girls. But he’s only made love to me.
We stayed in silence, me almost falling asleep on his chest, for about half an hour. Then, just before I passed out, he rolled over, reaching for something. I weakly grabbed for him to get him to stay, but he didn’t seem to be having any of it.
“Adam?”
“Sorry, just checking my phone,” he said.
“You’re not going anywhere, are you?” I asked.
His silence, this time, was a little concerning.
“Adam, spend the night with me,” I said. “Or, if your parents are going to make you come home—”
“They won’t do shit,” he said.
OK. But then why are you checking your phone? Why won’t you say if you’re going anywhere else right now?
“Are you going to spend the night?” I asked again.
Again, Adam didn’t answer.
“Adam.”
“I’m not ready for that, OK?”
I felt betrayed. He’d take me out, have sex with me, take my virginity… but he couldn’t spend the night?
“Why not, Adam?”
Adam sighed.
“It’s just early to do that.”
“But why?”
Adam’s sigh turned into a snort. He didn’t say anything back. This had a sick feeling of deja vu. I felt like I was back in the mall all over again, trying to understand why Adam was so distant, and instead only getting the coldest of shoulders.
“Adam, please, talk to me.”’
“Look,” he said sternly but not harshly. “I enjoyed this with you. I did. But we’re not a couple suddenly. We’re not dating. I need time. OK? A lot of the shit I dealt with…”
He didn’t finish his sentence. He instead let out a sigh and stood up. Was this seriously happening?
“Adam, I didn’t just sleep with you for your dick, I slept with you because I like you. And think about it. Slept with. Not fucked. Not had sex with. Slept with. That’s what I want.”
To my surprise, Adam looked to the ceiling, sighed, and turned back to me with heavy eyes.
“I know,” he said. “But this shit is scary, Emily. I don’t know how the fuck to handle it.”
“So let me in.”
“No.”
Fuck, no. Please, no. Don’t let us have this wonderful moment marred forever by Adam’s refusal.
“Adam, please—”
“Do you want to know why I snapped at you three years ago, in the mall?” Adam said. “Before I decided to try and push you away? It’s because you didn’t give me any goddamn space. You kept pestering me like a gnat. I just wanted to be left alone to process what my stepfather had told me just before, and you wouldn’t let up. That’s what’s happening right now.”
So we are going to just let this night go to waste because of some stupid bullshit.
“Adam, I’m not asking to gossip,” I said as softly and gently as I could. “I’m just asking to understand you. You haven’t even apologized for the past three years. It would help a lot if you just told me why this shit is so scary.”
Adam’s nostrils flared as he got all of his clothes on. He could have left at any moment, and I would have been reduced to chasing him through the house naked. I couldn’t think of anything more humiliating than that.
“Don’t push your luck, Emily,” he said. “I don’t open up about these things. You want to know? Give me time.”
“I just gave you my body!”
And then Adam went back to the way he had for the last three years.
“You’re right. I fucked you. I got what I wanted since eighth grade. I’ve got nothing left to stay for.”
I stood with my jaw agape as Adam walked out of the room, his stroll hurried. Was that all I was? Was this yet another bully move, a long con to fuck me? To take my virginity?
And for what? For pride?
“Adam!” I screamed, but he was already down the stairs. “Goddamnit, Adam, no!”
But he hurried out the door. This time, he didn’t forget to close it.
“Adam!” I said, tears streaming down my face.
I opened the window, not caring that I was crying. He needed to hear me. He needed to know how badly he’d hurt me.
“Adam!” I shouted.
He didn’t look at me, but he paused by the driver’s side of his car.
“I know this isn’t all that you want, no matter what you say. You’re just acting out. But thanks to your attitude, it’s all you’re going to get. You monster!”
With that, I slammed the window shut. I bawled my eyes out as I slumped to the floor. I was naked in more ways than one.
It took about five minutes before Adam’s car drove off. As far as I was concerned, they were the last five minutes Adam’s car would ever spend parked by my house.
And as far as I was concerned, “you monster” would be the last words I ever uttered to that horrible man.
18
Adam
You fucking idiot!
You goddamn, piece of shit, fucking idiot!
You fucking monster, fucking worthless, fucking… fuck!
I sped out of Emily’s street in a blind rage, but unlike before, when the anger never reached too hard of a point to truly boil over, it sure was reaching its crescendo now. All of the anger I had ever stored up, not so much at Emily or the world but at myself, poured out like a volcano. I played my volume at the highest levels, sped like a goddamn demon, and squeezed every yellow light I encountered on the way home.
And by the time I got home, I had unleashed all of my anger. Like a jar with residue at the bottom, though, there was something left over, and it wasn’t anger.
It was shame.
Shame that I had let my anger get the best of me. Shame that I had let my emotional immaturity and my refusal to say the truth, my deep, raw, flawed truth, ruin any chance of a future relationship with Emily. Shame that, in a moment of weakness, I had become the side of me that I so despised from the last few years.
Fuck me. And I didn’t meant hat literally. I really, just… fuck.
Emily would never talk to me again. Who could blame her? I sure couldn’t. This wasn’t like eighth grade, when I didn’t have the emotional awareness to separate my home from her. I was all too aware of how much of a fucktard I was, and I deserved every bit of grief that came my way from her and her friends.
Fuck, at this point, she probably was going to start dating Nick. And this time, they’d be for real. If she wanted someone who was the opposite of me, she would easily get it with Nick. I was South, and Nick was North. This time, I’d really lose Nick as a friend.
I held up my phone and pulled up Emily’s contact information. All it took was one phone call. All it took was… well, maybe not one text, but one text could get the process started. All it took was one action.
And even now, I was too ashamed of what I had done to go back and apologize. “Sorry” was a word that just barely ever got uttered. I couldn’t… I couldn’t.
I got out of my Corvette after what felt like half an hour of just moping in the damn thing. The right thing to do, I knew, was to start something of an apology tour to Emily. Text her. Call her. Send her notes. Work on bringing down the barrier that was probably now ten times as strong as before. Then, maybe then, I might have a second chance. Or a third, really. Even if we never dated again, at least I’d make pe
ace with having apologized.
But the right thing to do, especially when it came to relationships and emotions, was too scary for me to do. So, fuck it. No chance in hell. I would go to class, ignore Emily, and fucking get far away from Providence Prep as soon as I could. I’d sleep with a bunch more women, anything to get rid of the pain and the shame that I felt right now.
Because what the fuck was I supposed to do, just… wallow in this pain?
No way. No fucking way.
I stormed into the house. Ryan saw me from the kitchen and cracked a joke.
“Sure looks like your date—”
“I will cut your fucking throat right here with that steak knife, so help me God,” I growled. “And I’m serious, Ryan. This is not some bullshit talk.”
Ryan, for once, got it. Maybe my face gave something away. Or maybe he just was in a forgiving mood. Either way, he didn’t push his luck like he used to. I moved past him and saw my mom reading in the living room. I looked at her. Why was she not as strong as Emily? Why did she let men walk all over her? When I acted like an ass to Emily, she pushed back.
When my stepfather and father cheated on her, she let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. They got away with anything and everything.
I was a product of one of those men. Ryan was not the literal product of my stepfather, but he was so young when our father died he might as well have been. We were both, it seemed, destined to carry the curse of cheating wherever we went.
I went to my room, turned on Five Finger Death Punch, and sat on my bed. When that didn’t work, I threw my pillows and punched the wall in frustration. Fuck! I was so stupid!
I roared as loudly as I could until I heard a knock on my door.
“Not right now,” I snarled.
But my mother opened the door anyways.
“Mom!”
“Adam,” she said softly.
It was hard to be upset with Mom and direct vitriol at her when she looked the way she did. It was easy to resent her, but that was a lot more passive than actively hating her. I sighed, rolled my eyes, and turned the stereo off.
“What?”
“What’s going on?”
Why did everyone feel like they had a right to know my private life? Why did everyone want to know what was going on with me? Was it enough to just let me have my moment to the side and not have to deal with any of this bullshit?
