by Gabrielle G.
“Deb was driving. I don’t remember why, but she was the one behind the wheel. We hit a moose. We woke up in the hospital. Deb was paralyzed from the waist down and had retrograde and anterograde amnesia, meaning she couldn’t remember her life after a certain point and wasn’t able to register new memories. Of course, there was no baby anymore. My back was injured, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. My balls though, suffered from massive trauma, and I didn’t lose any, but I lost the ability to have children. Only my father knows.
“In the beginning, I went to see Deb. After all, I couldn’t have kids, she couldn’t move, we could still be together. I still loved her. I had made a promise to marry her. I believed she would get better, that if I reminded her of the summer we had, the conversations we shared, the things we did together, she would remember me. Slowly my hope faded, and I had to accept that the Debra who was alive, wasn’t the one I loved. This one didn’t exist anymore.” Ave’s fingers continue to soothe me, and I continue my tale, telling her the part I never told anybody.
"One morning, I woke up hard, after a dream I had about a tourist I had seen at The Bar. Step by step, I became more selfish, went less to see Deb, who didn’t even realize I wasn’t coming anymore, and I saw the good in the bad. I was single again, with no fear of even getting any woman pregnant. I was fine for years, feeling a little guilty, but it was manageable. My back hurt but was under control with weed. I was fine. Then my siblings started to find the love of their lives, and my back got worse. I saw doctors who kept telling me it was in my head or that it was psychological, to try to avoid stressful situations. When Sal had to do a pregnancy test for Arthur, and she was alone doing so, Dex asked me to be with my sister, and I went to be by her side, of course, I went. But my pain was intolerable. I was so high, I don't even remember asking to be the godfather. Then when Chris and Sal said they would elope, I almost lost it in front of everyone. Sal doesn’t know about my infertility, but she knows about the eloping with Debra, and she saw through it right away and comforted me. I felt like an asshole to shit on her parade. My family is my biggest strength and my biggest weakness, they can save me and destroy me at the same time. I've known that for a long time. That’s what the tattoo on my chest says.” She kisses the top of my head, never stopping her stroking, and I unload everything on her.
"Last night, I lost it seeing Deb. It was a shock, especially after declaring my love to you, but hearing Mel and Jake had eloped, that they were finally moving on, that Mel was finally accepting her happiness, it hit me hard. The guilt of doing the same took over as if I couldn’t be happy. But you took care of everything, you took care of me, you weren’t jealous of her, you just accepted it all and dealt with it, and I fell even harder for you than I already had, sugar. You’re just perfect with all your imperfections. You’re perfect for me, and I love you.” I wait for Ave to say something, but she doesn’t. Her breathing is even, and her hand has stopped touching me.
“Are you sleeping?” I tilt my head to see her face.
“No, I’m resting my eyes listening to your soothing voice.” She yawns.
“I pour my heart out, tell you things I’ve never told anybody, and you fall asleep.” I mock her, pinching her side.
“Sorry,” she blushes. “It was an emotional night for both of us. I’m glad you told me everything. Thank you.” She brings her lips against mine and smooches me.
“What I feel for you can’t even be compared to what I ever felt,” I tell her before pushing my tongue into her mouth. And in one kiss, we erase the night, accept our love, and seal our fate. In one kiss, I fall in love all over again.
27
Avery
“Banarbas?”
Like every time Alexis mispronounces his name, my heart swells. Those two together are like adorability on steroids. Barn puts his mug on the counter and gives my daughter all of his attention like he always does.
“Yes, Lex, what’s up?” He leans his elbow on the table, presenting me with his beautiful ass. I wished Bee was anywhere but with us, so I could bite it. Instead, I kept my mouth to myself and ran my hand down his back. With Barnabas, I have become entirely another person sexually. A little sex-crazed, a lot freer, nothing I want is strange to him, and he’s always ready to try anything he hasn’t done before, even if his list was much shorter than mine. He’s so confident, so uninhibited, so beautiful, I find it difficult to believe I hated him for so long, but I also know he’s showing me who he is behind his mask. He has no choice, that’s how it is between us.
“Can I sleep in your bed tonight when you’re away? My smile falls, and I clear my throat to let him know to tread carefully.
“I wish you could, baby girl, but remember, tonight is your sleepover with Noah and Paulette.” The sparkles in Alexis’ eyes are sharp against my heart. I should be happy she loves spending time with her father and stepmother, but I’m not. I’m jealous and petty and hate every minute she spends being happy with them. Of course, I won’t admit it and put on the brightest smile I have in my repertoire of smiles that I give to brides and mothers of brides and listen to every word Alexis shares about her other set of parents. Because there is no doubt in my mind, that’s what they are. I’m still not sure of Noah as a father, but Paulette is playing the mom exceptionally well. She insists she isn’t trying to take my spot, but her rules make her much more relaxed than I am. It’s an unfair competition between being a full-time parent versus being the occasional parents from time to time. Ice cream at every meal and new mermaid gear every visit. I really hope she’s a better teacher than she is a parent, but again, that’s pettifoggery talking. Somewhere deep inside me, under layers of insecurities, envy and self-loathing, I am happy for my daughter.
“Paulette said we can watch movies until late and that my bedroom will be ready. They made me a mermaid bedroom she said, and it’s going to be so beautiful, full of my stuff, with a real bed and girl colors.” My bleeding heart is now leaking to my eyes. She sleeps on a futon in a room that has nothing for her in there, her toys mainly still in boxes and her clothes in a suitcase.
“You know, Lex, it’s always easy to get distracted by shiny objects, but you should never forget that people don’t need to give you things to show you their love. Did I ever gift you anything outside of birthdays?” Barnabas asks very seriously. If I weren’t already in love with him for reasons I couldn’t understand, that would have done it. He’s naturally talking to her. He always knows what to tell her and when, and she loves talking to him, sometimes more than to me.
“No,” Alexis answers in a tiny voice, frowning at where the discussion is going.
“Do you think it’s because I don’t love you?”
Alexis shakes her head vigorously with her curly honey hair bouncing around. “No, I know you love me,” she states proudly.
“You’re right, I do. And how do you know I love you if I don’t buy you new things or create the greatest bedroom of all?”
“Because you’re here, and you do all kinds of things for me.”
He ruffles her hair and flicks her nose.
“You’re right, I do. Now, tonight might be the most beautiful bedroom you have ever seen, but here is your home, with Mommy and me. Alright?” Alexis nods before wrapping her arms around Barn’s neck.
“Group hug.” Barnabas laughs while reaching for me with his hand.
“You’re sure you don’t want me to stay here tonight? I can come back and let Andrew handle the group, sugar. I don’t like the idea of you being alone while Lex is spending time with Paulette and Dickwad.” Barnabas wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder, once we’ve cleaned the table from breakfast, and Alexis is upstairs combing her hair the best she can. Do I want him to drop everything to take care of me and be there for me? Of course, I want it. Am I so selfish I’ll ask him? No. I need time to myself, to think, to reflect on us, on him. I need to cry alone and be miserable on my own, without Barnabas holding me and searching my soul for a
nswers. I need to lie to myself that I don’t need him every step of the way, but more importantly, I need to prove to myself I can survive this alone.
“It’s more than okay, Barn, really. I need to do some work anyway,” I lie. Flipping me around, Barnabas dives his eyes in mine in what I know is now the quest for the truth. As usual, my eyes can’t hide anything from him. Stepping back, looking a little hurt and a lot disappointed, he sighs, resigned.
“Alright, Ave, you don’t want me here, and it’s okay. Just don’t forget you won’t be able to reach me once I’m deep in the woods.” He brings his lips slowly to mine but kisses me too fast. “My clients are going to be there soon; I’ve got to go.” But losing his touch isn’t an option, not when I feel my world is crumbling and he’s the feather of my soul, the one who can bring me freedom, transcendence, and peace. I close my hand around his elbow to keep him close to me and find what I need in his eyes.
“Blue-distress,” he mumbles. “Just say the words, Ave, and I’m here for you.” I close my eyes and shake my head. “I really wish you would need me tonight because, to be honest, I’m not sure I don’t need you, knowing she’s spending the night with her father.”
“Biological father,” I mumble for him to know Noah is nothing more than a sperm donor. If I had to choose a father for my girl, it would be him. He was it for her before he was it for me, but I know Noah is now confusing Alexis’ feelings a lot. It seems as if it was years ago that she was crying, asking Barn to be her father, when it was only a couple of weeks back. But so many things have happened, so many feelings have been out in the open, and so many new people entered Alexis’ life. She’s tangled up in all of our adult bullshit, and that’s something I promised myself I would never do.
“I still don’t understand why he’s doing this. From what she tells us, she spends more time with Paulette than with Noah. It’s like she’s the one wanting to be with Alexis, but she had no problem kicking us out of our house. I don’t get it.” Barn kisses my forehead.
“I wish I understood as well. But maybe it’s not her who wanted you out? Maybe it’s him?”
“It still doesn’t make any sense. Why kick me out and lawyer up, when he just had to come by the apartment and talk to me? Why lawyer up for custody but not for evicting me? Shit, I hate him. How can you love someone so much and hate them even more?”
Barnabas cups my cheeks in his hands and tilts my head. “The same way you can hate someone so much and then love them even more.” His kiss is a sentence and a recompense at the same time. He’s punishing me for having loved Noah and rewarding me for loving him. Dipping his tongue into my mouth, he grunts before stepping back quickly. “I can’t meet my clients with a hard-on, sugar, and if I can’t come home tonight because of whatever bullshit you need to go through, I can’t kiss you deep and hard the way I want to fuck you. Jerking off in my tent is bad for business, and now that I don’t fuck clients anymore…” He smiles. I slap his shoulder and roll my eyes playfully.
“Go, I’ll be alright, I promise.”
I’m not alright. Alexis called to say goodnight, and she didn’t seem to miss me. So, I cried hard. Then she called back crying, and I had to do the right thing and convince her Paulette also knew how to chase away monsters and that she should stay, even if I wanted to drive there as fast as I could and bring her back home. When they called a third time, I wasn’t sure if I should ignore the call or just tell them to bring her home, but it was Noah just letting me know she was finally asleep. As lovely as it was of him to let me know, I had the strong impression he had been forced to do so. His snappy tone of voice was a great indication of his exasperation. Now two animal documentaries, half a bottle of wine and all the popcorn I could find later, I’m sobbing in my glass, hating being alone, wishing Barn was here to soothe me. My plan to be alone, take a few steps back and overthink my relationship is biting me in the ass when all I want is the mouth of a handsome and reformed man-slut on it. Even if I know he can’t receive my text, I send him a few, because I’m drunk, alone, and depressed.
Me: I hate needing you.
Me: Or maybe it’s your dick I need.
Me: Why was Donna right? I crave your dick as much as I desire your strength.
Me: Why did you have to kiss me?
Me: Why did it have to be you?
Never said half-drunk texts are any less pathetic than the real deal.
“Fucking stubborn woman,” I hear him growl in my sleep. But I know it’s a dream because there is no way he came home in the middle of the night for me. When I open my eyes with him by my side, I’m taken away by his beauty. Not the obvious one everyone sees in Barnabas Gritt, but the one he gives me every day. His eyes are full of love and desire, and he’s smiling patiently.
“I’m gonna answer those questions tomorrow, right now, I need to fuck you,” he says while his fingers play with my folds. If I wasn’t wet in my sleep, hearing him say he wants to fuck me does the trick.
“You’re always ready when I’m around, Ave. I’m going to show you the advantage there is to have Lex sleeping at her sperm donor’s and having me back for the night.” His thumb brushes my clit, and I whimper, still half-wined-up and half-asleep.
“Who’s with your clients?” I mumble between two pants.
“My fingers are deep inside you, your clit is begging to be touched, and you ask about my clients?” He pinches my nipples, and I clench around his fingers. I blush at the reaction of my body, still getting used to the new things I like with him.
“Shit, darling, liking that I hurt you a little and blushing… If my stuck-up Ave has come to play tonight, be sure I’ll bring the worst of me as well.” Asshole Barn is one of my favorites after all. “Do you need a little pain?” he asks, biting into my flank. “Because I have this new toy I haven't tried out yet, and I’m pretty sure,” he bites and pinches again, and a loud moan escapes my lips, “that you would love to hurt a little tonight.” I don’t even know how he got me naked in bed, but I don’t want anything between us tonight. I just want him, exclusively, him, me together, like the first time, just us.
“Not tonight, I just want you.” And my answer seems to break him a little more because his eyes mist with emotion.
“Just me,” he asks as if he can’t believe he is enough.
“Just you,” I breathe before seeing mischief in his eyes.
“Darling, you don’t always get what you want in life. Right now, you’re getting what you need,” he says before biting my nipple hard and reaching for the box under the bed to get what looks like an electronic wand of some sort. “I promise you, once I’m done, you can play with it on me, and then I’ll make love to you. But first, I’ll fuck you like you’ve never been fucked before.” He grins. “I came home to play while our daughter is away. Get ready, sugar. It’s gonna be the fuck of your life.” And I clench at the promise that he’s going to fuck me right, but I cry hearing him call Alexis our daughter.
“Asshole!” I insult him before reaching toward him to bite his shoulder.
“Stuck-up!” he answers back before sucking my skin between his teeth and unquestionably marking my body the way he already branded the rest of me.
28
Barnabas
“Ave, stop looking at me like that.” I swirl my tongue into my blueberry cheesecake ice cream cone we’re having while walking through town.
“So, stop eating it as if it was my…” She widens her eyes and tilts her head in Lex’s direction.
“Your what?” I flick the tip of my tongue rapidly into the cone and wiggle my eyebrows. Avery muffles a moan in her throat.
“Guess it’s been a long time since I haven’t gone to town.” I wink at her.
“Silly Banarbas, we came this morning to buy groceries,” Lex says, rolling her perfect amber-silly eyes. Laughing, I hand Avery my ice cream.
“You’re so right. We came this morning. Didn’t we, sugar?” I don’t even have to look at Ave to know her eyes are blue-annoyed. Ta
king Lex by under her armpits, I carry her over my head and set her on my shoulders.
“Banarbaaaaas.” She giggles, kicking her legs against my chest.
“Let’s fly, baby girl.” I extend my arms and wobble left and right while Lex holds onto my hair for dear life.
“Help, I’m falling.” She laughs. I turn right, then left, pick up some speed, stop.
“She’s going to throw up on your head.” Avery stops the fun as usual. I slow down and walk normally after retrieving my ice cream cone from Avery’s hands and making a big show of it with my tongue. Avery shakes her head while clamping her legs together.
