by Yan Ge
I watched her wield the scissors. ‘Would you like some help?’ I offered.
She said quietly, ‘It’s fine, I’ll do it. You go and watch TV.’
So I did, but secretly I regretted not going to school because there was nothing much on TV on Tuesday afternoons. As I flicked through the channels with the remote, I could hear my cousin: she had a bit of a cry, then fell silent, then cried again, then fell silent, then had another howl . . .
Finally, she was quiet.
We were good friends for quite a long time after that, maybe because our last falling-out had been so painful. Auntie came to fetch me from school in the afternoon, we went together to collect Qing, then back home. My uncle sometimes stayed in the office, and sometimes got home before us after doing the shopping on the way. My cousin and I sat at either end of the coffee table, bent over our homework, while my auntie and uncle busied themselves in the kitchen getting the meal ready.
My cousin had lost weight, which made her eyes look enormous in her thin face. If she finished her homework first, she would sharpen my pencils for me. She upended my pencil case and worked on them one by one, until they were as sharp as weapons. ‘Why do you do your homework in pencil?’ she asked me.
‘The teacher says I can,’ I said.
The next day in class, Chen Zinian took out a new ‘Hero’ fountain pen, gold-coloured, and waved it in front of my face.
‘Have you seen my new pen?’ he said. ‘It cost more than 50 kuai.’
I looked daggers at him and carried on writing my notes with my pencil.
That day, dinner was at our home. There was fish stew with pickled vegetables, stir-fried Chinese cabbage, stewed pig’s tail and a salad of sliced pig’s ear.
I told my dad, right there in front of my auntie: ‘Dad, I want a fountain pen.’
‘I think I’ve got an extra one,’ he said. ‘You can have it.’ He went to the drawer, got out the fountain pen and gave it to me. It was a black plastic one.
‘Buy me a Hero fountain pen, Dad,’ I said. ‘Chen Zinian’s got one.’
‘Are they expensive?’ he asked.
‘A bit over 50 kuai, I think,’ I said.
‘Are you crazy?’ he said.
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, I’ll buy you one, Yun Yun,’ said my auntie.
‘No, you’re not to; it’ll get her into bad habits,’ said my dad.
We carried on eating silently. When my auntie was about to leave, my dad said, ‘Take some back for Zhang Xinmin.’
‘Of course,’ said Auntie. And they searched the house for the biggest enamel bowl, and my dad filled it to the brim with the fish stew.
My aunt and my cousin left, and my dad went into the kitchen to wash up. He took ages over it, then suddenly rushed white-faced out of the house.
‘Dad! Dad!’ I shouted after him.
He ignored me.
I waited for him to come back, slowly finishing the dishes. Finally, he arrived with Auntie, her face tear-stained, and my cousin Qing following silently behind.
I looked at them, and Dad said, ‘Qing Qing, thank you.’
Qing Qing patted Dad on the shoulder just as if she was his sister.
That evening, Qing Qing and I shared my bed. It was appallingly quiet in the house. Neither of us slept. I felt fear clawing at me.
I asked Qing, ‘What’s up with them?’
‘They’re boyfriend and girlfriend,’ she said.
I said nothing.
My cousin was quiet for a while, then said, ‘That’s love.’ Everything in the world seemed to change at her words.
I must have dropped off because I was woken up by a banging noise, which echoed through the empty courtyard. ‘What’s that?’ said my cousin, clutching my hand in alarm.
‘It’s old Mr Zhu next door, stacking up his coal briquettes with the tongs.’
Another silence, then we heard panting coming from dad’s room. It sounded inhuman, like some monster was lurking in there.
Now it was my turn to take fright. ‘What’s that?’ I asked my cousin.
But she was asleep by then, her palms wet with sweat. My heart was pounding in fear, and I daren’t let go of her hand. I strained my eyes into the darkness and waited for the monster to come for us once it had eaten up Dad and Auntie.
I could see a corner of the courtyard through the window. Unlike our room, it was in complete blackness, then a patch of it paled to dark blue, then white, and a white horse emerged silently.
Suddenly Qing dug her fingers into my hand. So she was awake after all.
‘Qing, did you hear that noise?’ I burst out.
She grunted. It sounded more like a groan than an answer.
I had become a girl with a secret. As I gave my maths exercise book to Chen Zinian to copy, I heaved a deep sigh. ‘What’s up?’ he asked.
I sighed again. ‘You wouldn’t understand.’
He said stupidly, ‘I understand I shouldn’t be copying from you.’
He finished copying and gave me the exercise book back, stroking my hand as he did so.
His touch felt like it went all the way up my arm. It kind of hurt. ‘What are you doing?’ I asked.
‘Nothing,’
But it had happened and I knew things had changed between us. At lunchtime that day, he was waiting for me at the school entrance. I walked over to him. ‘Let’s go and eat wonton,’ he said.
‘OK,’ I said.
We walked along with the other pupils to get our dumplings, and Chen Zinian said, ‘Pu Yun, I shouldn’t have said you don’t have a mother that time.’
‘It’s OK,’ I said. ‘I don’t have one.’
He said very gently: ‘You’ve still got me.’
My heart skipped at his words, and I knew this was love.
I thought and thought about this and finally decided to tell Qing. ‘I’ve got a boyfriend,’ I said.
‘Who is it?’ she asked
‘Chen Zinian, a boy in my class.’
She smiled. ‘What a pair! You’re both as young as each other.’
I didn’t like her contemptuous attitude one bit. ‘It’s true!’ I said.
‘Right, right.’
We carried on with our homework. Then Auntie came in. ‘Where are the scissors, Yun Yun?’ she asked.
‘Aren’t they in the drawer?’
She found them and went back to the kitchen. ‘‘You’re just a pair of babies. You don’t know what you’re talking about!’ whispered my cousin, when she’d gone.
I gave her a lofty look. ‘I know you’ve kissed on the mouth.’
She smiled. ‘Kissing’s nothing.’
‘I looked at her. ‘Are you and Ye Feng back together again?’ I asked.
‘Why would I get back with an immature kid like that?’ she said.
During the next morning’s class, I took a long look at Chen Zinian. He’d grown into a good-looking boy, better-looking than Ye Feng, I reckoned. We sat at the same desk and held hands. After a while, he put his hand on my thigh and rubbed it back and forth. It made me ache all over. I looked at him, and he looked back at me. I remembered my cousin’s words: ‘Kissing’s nothing.’
The class carried on and I said to him, ‘Let me use your pen for a bit?’ He let me try it. It was heavy. It made me feel very grown-up when I wrote with it. But at the end of the class, he said, ‘Give it back, I’m off home now.’ So I had to give it back to him.
When school was finished and I went back home, I met old Mrs Yu as I went into the compound. She gave me a slightly unfriendly look, and I wondered guiltily if she knew I’d had my thigh felt by a boy.
‘Mrs Yu!’ I called anxiously.
But she ignored me.
‘Mrs Yu!’ I called again.
Finally she turned to look at me. ‘Yun Yun, is your dad back?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘You tell your dad he’s done enough harm.’
The look she gave me was scary, and I rushed off home.
I
didn’t tell my dad what Mrs Yu had said, because I was trying to figure out how to persuade him to let Auntie buy me a fountain pen. After all, they were boyfriend and girlfriend now, so couldn’t she buy me a really good pen?
At dinnertime, Auntie and Qing were there. Then Uncle came and knocked at the door.
Auntie refused to open up. He knocked and knocked.
The four of us – me, my dad, my auntie and my cousin – all sat there watching as he peered through the window, then went back to the door to knock again.
Finally my dad said, ‘Go and open the door, Pu Yun.’
‘Zhang Qing, you go and open it,’ said Auntie.
Qing and I went hand-in-hand to open the door. ‘Hello, Dad,’ said my cousin.
Uncle came in, white-faced, holding a teacup between finger and thumb.
‘Cai Xinrong, you have no sense of shame!’
‘It’s nothing to do with you,’ said Auntie.
Uncle turned to Dad. ‘Pu Changshuo, you’re shameless, too. You both are. I’m the only decent one here.’
Dad said nothing.
‘I know you’re together,’ said Uncle. ‘The whole neighbourhood knows you’re together, and I’ve had to swallow that. You’ve really done the dirty on me.’
No one said anything. Auntie opened her mouth but no sound came out.
‘You really did the dirty on me, pretending you were related. You thought you could get away with it because I wasn’t from around here. Cai Xinrong, do you really think I don’t know why you split with him and married me instead? You really think I don’t know, don’t you? You reckon I just saw how pretty you were, and the bit of money your family had, and you thought you could make a fool of me. You slept with him all that time ago and did me out of what should have been mine. And you’re a brute, Pu Changshuo. You couldn’t keep your hands off my woman, could you? You really made a fool of me.’
‘Don’t go talking rubbish about things you know nothing about,’ said my auntie.
‘What don’t I know? I know everything, I know that you two are a bad lot, I know he knocked up a crazy woman in the old people’s home, and that’s why you two split. Do you really think I didn’t know that?’
They all started yelling then, and I started crying. Qing sat on the sofa with me, she was crying, too. I shouted at them, ‘Dad! Auntie! Uncle!’
Qing yelled: ‘Dad! Mum!’
But the three of them paid no attention to us. Finally, Uncle flung the contents of the teacup all over Dad.
Auntie shrieked and tried to pull Dad back but it was too late. Dad rolled around on the floor, screaming. White smoke eddied up from the puddle of liquid.
Uncle just stood there, saying over and over, like an alarm clock, ‘You both did the dirty on me. You both did the dirty on me.’
Old Mr Zhu sat with me by my dad’s hospital bedside all night. The old man sighed and cried until his eyes went all gummy.
I asked him, ‘Mr Zhu, will dad die?’
‘No, he won’t die,’ he said. ‘But he’ll never be any good again.’
‘You mean he won’t be able to walk?’
‘Yes, he’ll be able to walk, but he’ll never be any good.’
Tears poured down his face. I could see my dad’s hands and feet were fine, but I cried, too.
My cousin came a few times. She didn’t dare come in so I went out. ‘Qing,’ I said.
She gave me a thermos. ‘Mum said to give it to you both.’
I said nothing. Old Mr Zhu came out and pushed her away. ‘Be off with you. This is all the fault of that wretched mother of yours. Go on, scram!’
Qing went, though she cast a pitiful glance back.
I moved in with Mrs Yu. She and old Mr Zhu spent all day sighing over me, which I found unbearable, so in the evening I went out and walked down the main road. I got all the way to my auntie’s house, but I didn’t dare go in. Their compound was even less well lit than ours. I stood at the entrance. I saw white horses coming out. I counted them as they passed me: one, two, three, four, five.
One of the horses looked like my auntie and I followed it down the road until we got to South Gate market. Inside, the market completely deserted and enveloped in inky darkness. It was slippery underfoot, too. We walked around it once, then a figure rushed me, shouting loudly. I didn’t understand but I fled anyway. I ran and ran until I was exhausted.
It was old Mr Zhu who found me. He carried me back to the old people’s home, his face tear-stained and his whiskers prickling my face. ‘Poor child, poor child,’ he kept saying. I wanted to tell him that his whiskers were prickling me and I didn’t like it, but he looked so stricken that I said nothing.
Mr Zhu, Mrs Yu and all the other old folks took over my care. I didn’t go to school and I had no friends to play with. Every day I ate with them, listened to the state radio broadcasts, practised taiqi and slept when they slept. A very long time passed and finally my dad came home.
Once he was back, I could go back to school, but a pupil who’d transferred from another school was in my place at my old desk. None of my classmates talked to me, and even Chen Zinian shunned me, the ungrateful wretch. I didn’t talk to my new desk-mate, either.
At the end-of-term exams, I did well but lost my place at the top of the class to my new desk-mate. That made me even less willing to talk to him.
One day, my auntie secretly came to meet me after class. She kept hugging me and crying. ‘Yun Yun, why don’t you speak? Why don’t you say anything?’ She looked terrible when she cried like that, and I didn’t say anything to her.
After a few minutes, some of the teachers came out and pulled her off me, and took me home.
I don’t know how many times my dad broke down in tears and cried in front of me. It really started to annoy me. He begged my pardon, said he’d hadn’t brought me up right, he’d let my mum down, let my auntie down, let my cousin down.
‘I’m so sorry, Yun Yun,’ he said. ‘I promised your mum I’d give you a good upbringing, and treat you just like you were my own child, I’m so sorry, I’ve let you down.
‘I’ve let your auntie down too,’ he went on. ‘All these years, I never told her properly what happened back then, and she just rushed into marrying Zhang Xinmin, and he’s off his head. He beats her up, too.’
He bawled some more, then he said, ‘I’ve let Qing Qing down too, and you know what’s happened? She’s left home, she’d dropped out of school, and she’s having to fend for herself. I’m so sorry about that.’
He cried so much it gave me a headache. I pulled out a bit of toilet paper from under the pillow and gave it to him. ‘Don’t cry,’ I said.
Dad gave a start of surprise and hugged me, exclaiming, ‘Yun Yun! You’re talking again!’
I had a flash of inspiration and said, ‘Dad, buy me a fountain pen. A Hero one.’
‘Yes, yes, of course I will,’ Dad said.
I shared Dad’s bed that night. Around midnight, a white horse came in. It looked at me, then went out again. I gave my dad a shove and woke him up. He mumbled, ‘Who’s opened the door?’ Then he got up and shut it.
One day I saw my cousin in the street with a boy. Because I still wasn’t talking much, I didn’t shout after her. The boy looked like a real lout, and my cousin had got so fat that she was waddling like a duck. They stopped to buy baozi dumplings and she got into an argument with the stallholder. She started to shout and scream so loudly the whole of South Gate could hear her. Just like my auntie, in fact.
They didn’t see me. But I could see that Qing was growing exactly like her mother.
I carried on at school. They really piled the homework on in sixth grade. We had to knuckle down, our teachers told us, because this was our last year in primary school and we had to pass the middle school entrance exams. They were all very kind to us, and when my dad saw me off to school, he told me these last few days were the ‘sprint finish’ and to keep my nerves steady, not to get anxious, and I’d pass into middle school for sure.
When he slipped an extra five kuai in coins into my bag, I set off down the street feeling everything was going well. The only problem was that I’d been seeing white horses again, following after people in the street, in ones, and twos, and threes . . .
I got to school and there was a horse in the classroom. It was standing in front of the newspaper board at the back of the room, getting in my way so I couldn’t sit in my place. I talked occasionally to my desk-mate nowadays, and I said to him, ‘Pull the desk out a bit, there’s a horse in the way.’
He looked at me, ‘What?’
‘Pull the desk out a bit, there’s a horse in the way,’ I repeated.
He looked at me in amazement. Maybe he didn’t understand the local accent. ‘What horse?’ he said.
‘Can’t you see it? Beside you.’
He smiled. ‘You’re making it up.’
I sat down in my place and opened my school bag. ‘I’m telling you the truth. Didn’t you know my mum had me with a white horse? She told people about it, but they didn’t believe her. They said she was crazy. Then they accused my dad of having knocked her up.’
His mouth dropped open. ‘You scare me,’ he said.
‘Lots of people know about it in the town,’ I said to him earnestly. ‘You can go and ask them.’
He went pale, and I knew I’d scared him good and proper. I didn’t say anything more to him.
For a few days after that, he didn’t talk to me. In fact he didn’t even dare look at me. I reckon he must have heard all about what was going on between our family and Auntie Cai and her family.
A week later, we had our final exams. When we got the results, I had finally regained my place at the top of the class. The teacher was delighted. ‘What an intelligent girl you are, Yun Yun, such a good student,’ she said.
On the last day of school, I got a new school bag and pencil case as a prize. I could put my shiny new Hero fountain pen in it. And so I graduated from primary school. I was going to start middle school where I could have a boyfriend. Or maybe not . . . I couldn’t imagine anyone taking any interest in me.
I went up to the platform with my school bag, to the applause of my classmates. I could see Chen Zinian down there, whey-faced, clapping away, and I could see my desk-mate, too. He was still looking at me as if he’d seen a ghost. Both of them looked so stupid I couldn’t help smiling. My cousin used to tell me that smile made me look like a crazy. But no one said that to me any more.
