Now I just feel like a bitch. I know he’d never hurt me even though I can’t seem to stop hurting him. “I’m so sorry. But it wasn’t like that, Alex. Mark just showed up. I didn’t ask him to come here. I was just as surprised as you were.”
“You didn’t ask him to be here, and yet there he was, with his arms around my girl. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?”
“Alex, he was just hugging me goodbye. It didn’t mean anything.”
“Maybe not to you, but it meant plenty to Mark, and it definitely meant something to me. Here I’ve been, following you around all this time like a sick fucking puppy, taking whatever scraps you want to give me, and you don’t even give a shit. You throw it back in my face at every turn. I’m sorry, Jordan, truly. I’m sorry for your loss. I know you’re going through something life altering but I’m done. I won’t waste my time on someone who can’t see what’s right in front of her.” He lowers his gaze, looking absolutely defeated. “You’ve built your walls up so high that I’m not sure anybody can climb them.”
“I warned you that I wasn’t good at this. I told you that I don’t do relationships.”
“You didn’t even try.” He lifts his head and I’m astounded by the unmistakable sadness in his eyes.
“I told you I was fucked up, Alex. You knew the baggage I was bringing.”
“Just stop! Stop with your excuses already. It’s always the same thing. Poor Jordan, her parent’s divorce really screwed her up and she’s scared of ending up like them. Get over it! You aren’t the only one that came from divorced parents. I did too, but I was still willing to try to be here with you and at least attempt a relationship. You just keep looking for opportunities to push me away. Well, congratulations. You’ve succeeded.”
“You’re just mad because my ex was here. He’s not a threat to you, Alex. He asked me for a hug and I gave it to him. I didn’t know he was going to kiss me.”
“It’s not about him. I don’t give a fuck about him. He’s not the problem. He’s probably a halfway decent guy that you put through the ringer. You’re the problem in this scenario, and I just can’t seem to find the right equation to fix it. In fact, I’m not so sure I want to anymore.”
Holy shit, I’m losing him and I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to make his anger subside. He’s not completely wrong. I did try to push him away in the beginning, but as time has gone by, I really was committed to making this work. “Don’t do this. Don’t leave me.”
“Why, Jordan? Why shouldn’t I walk out that door right now and never look back?”
“You’re right. You should go and not look back. I was never right for you.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, and I want to take them back but I can’t. They’re true. As painful as it may be, Alex is too good for me. I’ll only bring him down. As much as I need him in my life, letting him be here is only going to hurt him in the end. My heart and mind have always been disconnected, and despite the fact that I love him, my brain still follows the urge to push him away. I’m at odds with myself, and I just can’t keep pretending that I’m a normal girl with normal relationships. It’s time for me to do the right thing and let him go. “I can’t keep doing this with you. It’s not right. I’m never going to be what you need. I want you to go.”
He glares at me, his eyes wide with shock, but he recovers quickly, masking the emotion on his face. He’s back to looking cold and angry. “You’ll never be happy because you’re your own worst enemy.” He walks past me, never looking back, and all I can do is watch him walk through my door, taking my heart with him. I go upstairs to my bedroom, taking in our unpacked bags still tossed on the floor. His clothes are thrown all over my floor because he can never make it to the laundry basket. He fills my home with his presence and it doesn’t matter which room I go to. It all reminds me of him. I pick up one of his discarded t-shirts and crawl into my bed, clinging to it for comfort and cry myself to sleep.
I made it home from Jordan’s house in record time. I’m surprised I didn’t crash because I was going so fast. I need to put as much distance between me and her as I can. She made her choice and I have to respect it. I was pissed off when I walked into her house and saw Mark kissing her. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to rip his fucking head off. I believed her once she explained what happened, but by that point, I was so far gone that I honestly didn’t care to hear another word. I was ready to walk away and leave her, but I gave her the choice. If she would have asked, given me any reason to, I would have stayed.
I think about her father and the promise I made to him. I swore to him that I would take care of his daughter, and I meant it at the time, but what am I supposed to do now? I feel like I’ve failed him somehow. I barely knew him, but it was his dying wish to know that his daughter would be loved. I desperately wanted to give him that, to follow through on that promise, but it’s just not possible now.
I always knew that Jordan would do things to try to push me away, whether she meant to do them or not. I knew how she operated and I thought I could handle it. I was under the impression that I’d be able to talk her down from the ledge and maneuver through her tendencies to sabotage our relationship. I guess, ultimately, I’m just one more guy that she can add to the list of dummies who thought they could change her. The only problem is that, no matter what I do, this girl will always have my heart. There is no going back from that, not for me, at least. I jump in bed and close my eyes, trying to sleep away what’s left of this day. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get some work done on the studio tomorrow. Keeping myself occupied is the only way I’m ever going to be able to stay away from her.
Today is the day of Elle’s baby shower. I’ve been running around all over town, picking up balloons and decorations, floral centerpieces, baby gifts and a beautiful cake. I have a smile plastered on my face, even though I’m miserable without him. It’s been over a week since I let Alex walk out of my life and since my father passed away. The truth is, I’m barely functioning. I’ve barely slept or eaten. Every day, I have to force myself not to pick up the telephone and call him. I’m fighting an inner battle to stay away from him and it’s just painful. I do my best to occupy my time with greeting guests and making sure that everything is running smoothly.
I get emotional at Elle’s reaction when she walks into the restaurant with Victor. I can tell that she’s totally surprised. Whatever Victor told her to get her here worked perfectly. She’s absolutely shocked. She looks adorable in a simple pale green maxi dress and tan sandals.
“I can’t believe you did this for me,” she squeals, pulling me into an embrace.
“Of course! We’re family, remember?” I reply. I’m feeding off her excitement, and for the first time in days, I genuinely feel happy. I love seeing Elle interacting with guests and opening her mountain of baby gifts. She’s living a fairytale and she deserves it. I’m so happy for her, and yet, a tiny part of me feels a pang of envy. Not because I want her life, but because I want my own idea of a happily ever after, and my heart is telling me that Alex was the key to that dream. Elle’s been great in helping me deal with my father’s death. She’s been there for me every step of the way, and not once has she brought up anything having to do with me or Alex. I love her for that.
I’m sitting in the back of the room, watching Gemma hand Elle gift after gift, when I hear a familiar voice call my name. I turn my head to see Lucia, Alex’s mom, taking an empty seat next to me.
“Can we talk for a minute?” she asks.
I’m shocked that she’s even talking to me. I’ve had very few interactions with her, besides shopping for Elle’s wedding dress, and a couple family functions. I don’t particularly care for her after hearing about her treatment of Alex, and for the hell that she put Elle through, but as much as I’d like to blow her off, I’m more curious as to what she possibly has to say to me. “Sure, what can I do for you?”
“I wanted to talk to you about Alex.”
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p; I’m almost certain that she can see the shock as it hits my face. She’s clearly piqued my interest. “What about Alex?”
She gives me a hesitant smile. “I stopped by his house yesterday and he told me you two were no longer together.”
I wasn’t even aware that his mother knew we were together. I’m not sure how to reply, so I opt for telling her the truth. “No. We had a fight and now we’re over.”
She nods her head. “He loves you. Do you know that?”
I shake my head. “No. I think that maybe he could have loved me, but I ruined that.”
She reaches over and grabs my hand in a comforting way, stunning me once again. Why does this woman, who has never really been the best parent to Alex, care so much about our relationship? “That’s not true. He does love you and it’s not too late to fix whatever you think is ruined.”
“I’m no good for him. We have nothing in common and he deserves better than me. Someone who can accept his love easily.”
She hesitates for a minute but I swear I see something wash over her face. It’s as though she was weighing her words, choosing them wisely, and then finally decides to speak. “You know, I just had a conversation with your mother a few minutes ago.” Again my interest is piqued. I didn’t notice her and my mom having a heart to heart. “Jordan, you and my son have way more in common than you may think,” she says.
“With all due respect, I’m not so sure about that.”
“Come outside with me for a couple of minutes. There’s something I want to tell you in private.” I nod and follow her outside, not knowing that she’s about to blow my mind.
It’s funny how one conversation can change your entire perspective. After the baby shower, I stayed behind at the restaurant to clean up. I went home, took a quick shower and hopped in my car. Now, I’m standing in front of Alex’s house, trying to convince myself to push the doorbell. I’m terrified, but I need to do this. I need to see him and hopefully fix what I managed to break in our relationship. After speaking to his mother earlier, I realized that Alex and I are cut from the same cloth, both products of divorce, both brought up in households full of secrets and lies. The only difference is that Alex doesn’t know all the secrets that his mother holds close, and she made me promise not to reveal them to him until she’s ready. It’s a difficult promise to keep because I want him to know what drove his mother to behave the way she has all this time, but at the same time, it’s not my truth to tell.
I take a deep breath and ring the doorbell, praying that this conversation goes my way. The door opens and I come face to face with Alex. He looks surprised to see me but, holy hell, he looks gorgeous. His hair is disheveled. He’s barefoot and wearing a white t-shirt with dark jeans that sit low on his hips.
“Hi,” I greet him timidly. “Can I come in?”
He looks at me warily, says nothing to me, but opens the door all the way and lets me in.
“How are you?”
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“I’m alright, I guess,” I say, turning around to look at him. I’m not sure where to begin so I start with small talk. “Elle’s shower was today.”
He lets out a sigh. I don’t know if he’s sighing because he wants me gone, or he’s annoyed at the topic of conversation. “I heard. Did you stop by to tell me about it?”
I take some time to gather my thoughts, never breaking eye contact with him. My heart rate increases, and I’m taken in by his honey colored gaze. God, I hate this. I hate how I pushed him away again, and I not only hurt him, but I hurt myself too. “I came by to see you because I haven’t seen your face in over a week, and something about that just feels so wrong to me.”
He rubs his forehead as if this conversation is physically causing him pain. He drops his hand and takes me in again. “This is what you wanted, isn’t it? You told me to leave. I asked you to give me something to go on, a reason to stay, and you told me to go.”
“I know.” I breathe out, trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill over. “I messed up, Alex. I fucked it all up, but I warned you. I told you I would. It’s what I do.”
“So, then what?” he roars out, causing me to flinch but I don’t waver. I stand my ground and let him get it out. “What do you want from me, Jordan? Why are you here?”
“Because I’ve tried to stay away,” I confess, my voice getting louder with each word spoken. The louder they get, the braver I feel, and I need to hold onto that feeling, because underneath that is an underlying layer of fear. “I’ve tried to let you go, but I miss you. I miss you so much and I hate it. It’s driving me crazy. I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t know what to do with that.”
He looks shocked, like he wasn’t expecting me to be honest and lay it all out there for him, but I came to fight and I’m not leaving this house until he hears me out. Some of the anger that was splayed all over his face begins to dissipate and his features soften. I’ve broken through. Even if it’s just a small crack in his armor, I’ll take it. I’ll work with it and I’ll keep pushing until I crack it open.
“I miss you too, princess. I really do. It’s just too much. You’re too much. Every time I think we’re getting somewhere, you do something to push me away. I don’t even think you know you’re doing it.”
I take a step closer to him, fighting the growing urge to run to him and wrap my arms around him. “Give me one more chance. I can do better. I will be better. Look at me for God’s sake!” I yell. “This isn’t me. I don’t grovel for anyone because I normally don’t care enough. You’re changing me, little by little, but you are changing me. All I really want is to be with you. Nothing is the same when you’re not around.”
He tilts his head and I take in the look on his face. I can see a hint of disbelief there. He wants to believe what I’m saying but he’s still guarded. “You want us to be a couple, for real? No more hiding, no elaborate lies to explain to people why we show up places together? No more family dinners pretending that we barely speak?”
I nod my head quickly, hoping that he sees that there’s no hesitation. “Yes. That’s what I want. No more lying, just you and me together, and I don’t give a shit who knows or who sees us. There’s nothing else I want more than that.”
He puts his hand on his hips and shakes his head. “I don’t know.”
“Alex, please. You and I are good together, we work. That thing with Mark was nothing. I was telling you the truth, I swear.”
“I know that. I know you were telling the truth. It’s never been about Mark.”
“I know that … I know that I’m broken but I want to try.”
I barely get the words out before he’s in front of me, his face so close that I can see the tiny pores on his nose. He cups my face in his hand before speaking. “You’re not broken, princess, and even if you were, you can still be put back together.”
I let out a shaky breath. “That’s if you can find all of the pieces of me.”
He grins at me then lets go of my face, opting instead to put his hands on my hips. God, the look on his face makes me melt even further. “Is that a challenge?”
I shake my head and place my hands on his chest. “It’s a wish.”
“You know, my specialty is making wishes come,” he says, moving his hands toward my back until they’re wrapped around me.
“Does that mean you forgive me?”
His eyes turn liquid. “Will you spend the night?”
“Yes,” I say, letting out a giggle.
“Then I forgive you.”
At that, I do what I wanted to do from the minute he opened the door. I throw my arms around his neck and initiate the kiss that I’ve been aching for, wanting for over a week now. It doesn’t take long for things to get heated. His grip on my ass is my cue, and I hop up and wrap my legs around his waist.
“Take me upstairs,” I whisper as I tug at his earlobe with my teeth. He doesn’t respond, but he complies with my request. We make it to his bedroom and h
e tosses me onto the mattress. He pulls his shirt over his head. I make it up to my knees and mimic his movements, pulling my shirt off and tossing it onto the floor on top of his. His pants are next and mine quickly follow. I move to undo my bra clasp and he stops me.
“No. I want to do that,” he grumbles as he climbs onto the bed, pushing me down on my back as he goes. He looks down at me like I’m a feast and he’s starving. I watch as his fingers undo the front clasp on my bra. He pulls it apart to reveal my naked breasts. I close my eyes and my body tingles at the feel of his fingertips grazing my nipples. His fingers are replaced by his tongue, swirling around the small peak and then finally closing his lips around it to suck. I throw my head back at the sensation, relishing in the knowledge that Alex knows exactly how to make my body react to him in a huge way. I love the foreplay during most of our encounters, but tonight all I want is him.
“Please, Alex,” I whimper, pushing his shoulders.
He lifts his head up and gives me his sexy grin. “What, baby?”
“I need you now,” I reply, writhing underneath him.
He chuckles, dropping his head down to my neck and sucking. “You’ll get me.”
“Now, please. Please, babe.” I don’t mind begging. I know the payoff will be worth it.
“You don’t want me to go slow?” he teases, slipping his fingers inside the edge of my panties.
“No,” I breathe, jutting my hips up.
“You want me to fuck you hard?” he questions, all traces of humor gone.
He’s driving me wild and he knows it. “Yes.”
My panties slide down my legs and are gone in the blink of an eye. He positions himself between my legs and I can feel him at my entrance. He’s just as ready as I am. I close my eyes, waiting for the moment of connection, the point where our bodies are melded together, but Alex makes no moves. I panic, thinking that maybe he’s changed his mind. Maybe he’s realizing that he can’t do this, that he no longer wants to reconnect with me. I open my eyes, and as our gazes meet, he slams into of me, causing me to cry out. My head falls to the side as he slides out of me.
Desperation of Love Page 14
