by Carla René
He did not let her from his grasp. “There is no need to apologize You have needed to do that now for a very long time.”
She stared directly into his eyes. “Why did you not tell me?”
“Because I am not that stupid.”
The response caught her off-guard and she let out a very hearty laugh that caught him up as well, and they both enjoyed the sunshine after the storm.
“Mr. Whentworth?”
“Yes, Miss Audley?”
“Do you realize that you are still holding me?”
“Do you realize that you have not tried to pull away?”
Suddenly, Izzy felt very shy and lowered her eyes so he could not look directly into them.
But he was not to be swayed. He took a hand, hooked it under her chin, and gently lifted her face back to his. Her eyes had always captivated him—pulling him into their hypnotic spell when he had no wish to be there—but tonight, he knew this was the only place he wanted to be. When she again did not fight him, he saw this as his chance—something he had wanted to do since that hot August night so many years ago. Slowly, he lowered his face, and brushed his lips gently against hers, testing her response. When she still did not pull away, he moved in for a full kiss, and Izzy freely reciprocated.
She had never kissed someone who had been so gentle. Each time his lips lightly brushed hers, her heart beat a little faster. She was suddenly powerless to stop her arms that wrapped around his strong, wide back, and she could feel herself melting into him, and it had been everything she had hoped.
He pulled back and looked her in the eye, searching her face for any sign of resistance, and when he found none, he took his left hand and gently caressed her cheek, while the right hand brushed back her hair. But even this joyous pleasure was not enough to deter him from tasting her lips again, and this time, he felt himself full of passion that he had locked up for so many years.
Izzy was also feeling pent-up desires that she had wanted to feel, but she told herself that society would frown upon that sort of interaction. With that thought, she pulled away.
“What is it, Miss Audley? Did I hurt you?”
“No, it is not that. We should not be doing this.”
Mr. Whentworth playfully looked around the room. “I do not believe there is anyone here to attest to anything different.”
“Do not tease me. I mean, you are with Miss Hastings now, and while we are not intimates, I still will not do that to a friend.”
Mr. Whentworth chuckled. “Miss Audley, Miss Hastings and I are simply friends.”
“But, I saw… ”
“That is what I had been wanting to tell you all this time. I was escorting Miss Hastings as a favor to her mother, that is all.”
“What? So you mean, you are not involved?”
“Not at all. I am still very unattached at the moment.”
This news made Izzy’s heart glad, but she was still confused. “Why would Mrs. Hastings request that you escort her daughter? I do not understand this.”
“As I explained in the note that you never received, Miss Hastings had been seen around town in the presence of some questionable company, unescorted, and Mrs. Hastings panicked, afraid that their societal standing was now in jeopardy, as well as their family’s reputation. So, when she explained this and asked me if I would mind, of course I could not say no.”
At the mention of society, Izzy suddenly realized that if she were to allow things to progress any further with Mr. Whentworth, as badly as she wanted them to, she would be unwittingly putting his own family’s reputation at risk. She broke from his embrace and walked to the fire, her back to him.
This concerned him. “What is it, Miss Audley?”
Should she share with him in earnest why she wanted to protect him from the dangers of their entanglement? She knew Mr. Whentworth well enough to know that if she shared this, he would simply protest, call her silly, and push for the relationship. He would not be thinking clearly—not about his family, not about society and not about the future of his own reputation. She had to finally admit to herself that she cared for—maybe even loved—this man, and because of that fact, she must protect him from himself at whatever cost.
She feigned a yawn, and put her plan into motion. “Mr. Whentworth, I know you are tired, as am I. I believe I am going to kiss my mother good-night and then retire to my room. Will you be gone by morning?”
Mr. Whentworth was clearly confused at this new turn. “Miss Audley, I am afraid I do not understand. I thought we were finally moving forward in our relationship. I thought that was what you wanted.”
Izzy felt the pain in her chest, but continued with her deceit. “Mr. Whentworth, I appreciate you coming to help our family. You are so very sweet and kind to have offered. But to be honest, I will be returning to Radcliffe shortly after New Year, and I will not have the time to become involved in a relationship with someone who has certainly not been trustworthy in the past.” She wanted to cry right there at knowing how those words would hurt him.
“Oh,” said Mr. Whentworth. “I see. We are back to that again, are we? Fine.”
Izzy could see his jaw clenching, but yet he held his tongue in an impressive manner. “So you are upset?”
“Of course I am not. I am, by no means, an idiot. If you are not interested, then you are not interested. I risked my dignity by kissing you, and you have handed it back to me on a stick. It is not like you shot a member of my family. It was a silly little kiss,” he lied, as he sat down on the settee.
This surprised Izzy. “Oh. Well. Good, then. We are in agreement. Perhaps when I return from University we can see how things go?”
Suddenly, Mr. Whentworth felt very tired. He had played this game of cat and mouse with Miss Audley far too long, and frankly, he was tired of her making a fool out of him. When would he finally stand up for himself? “Miss Audley, do not wait. You have made it very clear how you feel, and I have no intentions of waiting for you. Let us just be adult about this and move on, shall we?”
Izzy felt the pain in her chest. She had not expected him to just give her up this easily. She had been convinced he loved her and had been in love with her all this time. Had she been wrong? If she did not fight for him, she knew full well what she was giving up. Mr. Whentworth had been the only man she had ever wanted to love, or allowed herself to become involved with, and she was not certain, at her advanced age that she would ever meet another man even close to his upstanding character or gentle spirit. She knew in her heart, that if she let him go now, she would spend the rest of her life alone with her mother, living in the poor house, regretting every moment of her decision.
And yet, she realized that she loved Mr. Whentworth so much, that she could not possibly ruin his reputation by allowing him to become involved with her, just so she would not have to spend the rest of her life alone. Was there any hope of them meeting on common ground and making this impossible relationship work?
“Mr. Whentworth, I… ”
“… think nothing of it, Miss Audley. It is over and done. And now, I think I will retire to your guest room. I assure you I will be gone at first light, and I will not bother your family again in the future. Do send word on your mother’s future condition, if you would not mind.” He tipped his hat to her and exited the room.
Izzy felt very foolish, sullen, and panicked. When he exited the room, she felt as if he had ripped out her heart and taken it with him. She suddenly realized that there was no way she could live without this man! My God! What on Earth have I just done?
Chapter 21
The Sword Cuts Both Ways
The Sword Cuts Both Ways (Chapter Twenty-One)
Isabella did not have fitful sleep that night. One ear was trained on her mother’s room across the hall and Elizabeth’s non-existent footsteps, and the other was on any possible movement from Mr. Whentworth down the hall, but the night remained quiet. Except for her constant tears. She knew in retrospect, that she had done the right thin
g, but that did not make the pain of it lessen. She was certain she had loved Mr. Whentworth since that August night he had left her waiting. She had been so excited to attend that silly dance, so certain had she been that the evening indicated a strong possibility of a future relationship between the two. But, he never showed, and she had to dismiss him from her heart, much like she was having to do now. Why had she allowed herself to be embraced by him? She could still feel his lips against hers and smell his cologne—he filled up every sense she had and was overtaken by the essence of him. From the time she had been a little girl, she knew that this was how she had wanted to love; allowing it to fill up every part of her being.
And now, she had let it slip away. No, she had given it away, and for what? All so she could spare him from disrepute? Looking back on it now, hours later, it hardly seemed to make any sense. She nearly had herself convinced to get up and knock on his door, when Elizabeth knocked on hers.
“Miss Audley? Will you come quickly?”
The edge and anxiety in Elizabeth’s voice made Izzy jump from her bed. Dressing quickly in her robe, she followed Elizabeth the few steps across the hall into her mother’s room. As soon as they entered, they saw Lilly sitting upright in bed, yelling at the top of her lungs and crying. Izzy tried to make her way to her mother’s side, but as she did, a body from behind blocked her way, and she found herself face-to-face with Mr. Whentworth for a second time that night. He was kneeling at Lilly’s bedside, cooing to her like a child, assuring her that everything was fine.
Izzy turned to Elizabeth. “What happened?”
“I had just checked on her, saw she was resting peacefully, sat down to read and started to drift off when she awakened me with her screaming. I was not able to calm her enough to find out what the matter was, so I came to get you as soon as I could.”
Izzy turned toward Mr. Whentworth. “What is it? Is she having another attack?”
Without turning to face her, Mr. Whentworth continued to concentrate on Lilly, but said to Izzy, “She has had a nightmare. She is beginning to calm now.”
He had been right. With the presence of others in the room, Lilly had calmed nearly immediately upon their arrival and was again drifting back to sleep.
Izzy let out a long sigh. “I am so thankful for that.”
Mr. Whentworth said, “Yes, we are lucky it was just a dream.”
He rose from the bed and turned to leave without looking at her, but Izzy touched his left arm and he stopped. She whispered to him, “May I see you outside, Mr. Whentworth?”
He motioned for her to go before him, and they went into the hall, so as not to be overheard by Elizabeth, who was now sitting back next to Lilly.
Out in the hallway, Mr. Whentworth motioned for Izzy to sit in the hall chair and he stood in front of her. He finally looked at her, but did not speak.
This made Izzy uneasy—she was already feeling anxious about seeing him again so shortly after their last meeting. She thought perhaps she might have been able to escape this entire evening by not seeing him in the morning before he left, but that was not to be, and now she had to deal with those consequences. His body language was clearly telling her that he was only humoring her request, and that made her all the more anxious, which caused her to hesitate, which made him all the more impatient.
“What is it, Miss Audley?”
Izzy had never heard his tone so lacking in affect—if it were a substance, it would have dripped icicles.
She cleared her throat and began. “Mr. Whentworth, I think I owe you an apology.”
This seemed to pique his interest. “Really? Pray tell, what for?”
She cleared her throat again, if only to buy time. She then realized she had not thought this plan through. But, she continued, hoping the right words would come. “I believe I owe you an apology for hurting you the way I did earlier. I am deeply sorry for that.”
His posture returned to his previous attitude. “Oh, think nothing of it. I was not hurt by you. I do not know what gave you that notion.”
Izzy half-smiled to herself. “Mr. Whentworth, please. Are you wanting me to believe that after a kiss such as the one we shared, that it was all from the heart of someone who was clearly uninterested? Really, Mr. Whentworth. I am not that naïve.”
He nervously shifted his weight. Suddenly, he grasped her left arm, and said, “Come downstairs with me now, woman.”
Her demands and screeches of, “Mr. Whentworth, let me go—you are hurting me,” went completely ignored and once in the sitting room, he sat her down on the settee across from the fire, which was now nearly out. He now noticed the pronounced chill in the air and wrapped Izzy with a blanket that he retrieved from the corner cabinet. He sat down in the chair next to her.
“Mr. Whentworth, I demand that you tell me why you have dragged me downstairs like some rag doll?”
“Calm down, Miss Audley. Your privacy was my first intent. I did not want Elizabeth to overhear us, or to wake your mother. She needed her rest. However, now that you bring it up, yes, I will admit I am a bit frustrated by your games. Those, I did not expect.”
“Games? What are you talking about?” Her face burned hot.
“Do you not think I am smart enough to know at what you are playing?”
“If you want me to know of what it is you speak, then you had better begin explaining.”
“Fine. Play coy. I had nearly forgotten how good at it you can be.”
“Did you intentionally bring me down here to berate me and pick a quarrel? For if you did, I can use my time much better getting needed sleep.”
He took a deep breath. “Miss Audley, I know.”
She felt her breath catch in her throat. “I am sorry?”
“You heard me: I know.”
“Know what?”
“I know what you are doing, and it is not going to work. Oh, I will admit that when we parted earlier, I had every intention of walking out of this house, never to be seen or heard by you again, and I was fully content with that decision when I retired.”
“So then what are you on about?”
He smiled. “I sometimes forget that you forget how well I know you; oftentimes better than I know myself.”
She waited for him to continue.
“You are transparent, Miss Audley. Your heart is too big so as to be invisible. I saw right through your motives. I saw how you changed as soon as you began enjoying our kiss. And I knew exactly why that change had occurred.”
Izzy’s lips were now dry and she had to forcibly control the shaking in her voice. “Please tell me, then, for I do not know.”
He smiled again. “Keep pretending you have no idea what I am talking about. That is fine. I am a patient man and can spar with you for hours. You know this.”
Again, she sat silent, for fear of giving her heart away.
“As soon as you realized that my entanglement with you might spell the certain ruination of my family reputation, you pulled away from me like hot coals. I will confess, at first this hurt me, for it took me a while to realize what it is you were doing.” He then moved closer to Izzy, kneeling on the floor in front of her, just inches from her left ear. “But as I lie there in that bed, unable to sleep for thinking of your sweet lips and your own desire, it occurred to me that you were trying to protect me.”
His nearness was intoxicating. She noticed that his ascot was missing with his shirt collar hanging open, down to about the second or third button, and she could see his skin glistening from sweat in the moonlight, which now shined through the open curtains. Her heart began dueling with her head, and she feared she would not know what to do. She had been fighting the idea of him for so long, that now that he was hers for the taking, she felt powerless to control her urge to accept. And with this war waging itself in her head, she dared not speak. To be safe, she stared straight ahead into the dying fire. If he insisted on speaking to her at this distance, then he could carry on the conversation without her.
He co
ntinued in a whisper, near her ear. A part of him liked toying with her, for he was confident that she would eventually give up the running and accept their fate. “Miss Audley. Allow me to assure you, that my acquaintanceship with you will no more hurt my reputation than robbing a bank. My family has been well-established in this community for many years, as you well know, and while I am no braggart, our family’s fortune has us firmly ensconced into society. It would take a major incident worthy of hanging to knock us from that perch.” He eased back to search her face before he continued.
She continued to stare, now praying it would be over soon so she could keep her dignity. He was getting harder and harder to resist and this scared her.
However, he seemed to sense these feelings in her, and again leaned closer. In a throaty whisper, he said, “Miss Audley… ” Before he finished the thought, he allowed his lips to gently brush against her left ear for just a second, and he smiled to himself as he heard her unwillingly gasp. He then eased back so as to face her again, and this time he stared at her until she looked him in the eye. There in the blue serenity of the moonlight, he said, “Miss Audley, I am so in love with you, and have been for all these years.” She opened her lips to respond, but before she could, his mouth closed upon hers and soon they were intertwined again, tasting the other’s lips and falling into one other; melting. The embrace lasted for several minutes, each freely exploring the other, heads filled with proprieties fighting hearts filled with desire. When the kiss came to an end, finally, he pulled back to look at her face, without letting go of her. “I only ask you one thing.”
She swallowed hard to remove the cotton that was building in her throat, and said, “What is it?”
“Tell me that you love me, too.”
Her heart flipped. This, if she were to be honest with herself, was the one thing she had wanted to tell him for so long. She found herself fighting a losing battle, however, between her head’s logic and her heart’s emotion.
