“Anyways, I don’t want to go.”
He had to go. He needed Jefferson.
“Would it help any if you knew I wasn’t going to be here alone while you’re gone?”
He sat up, frowning. “Who’s coming here?”
“No one,” she said. “I’m going out.”
“To a business dinner?”
“No.”
He played with the Madonna on the chain around her neck. “Where, then?”
“On a date.”
“With a man?”
Erica tried not to laugh at the disbelieving tone in his voice. “Yes, sport, that’s what a date is. A woman and a man who enjoy each other’s company go out someplace to spend some time together.”
“Do you get to laugh?”
Her heart caught at the odd question. “Yes.”
“Do I know the man?” He was sitting on her knees. Erica wished his head was still against her, where he couldn’t see her expression. She couldn’t risk his peace of mind by letting him know how badly she hurt, how painful it was to tell him about the man who’d fathered him as though Jack was nothing more than a stranger on the street.
Hurt, too, because Jack knew nothing about this precious and oh-so-unusual son.
“You met him once,” she said lightly. “Remember at the beginning of the summer, that day you thought that man was going to take our spot out on the mall?”
“The one who ate Daddy’s sandwich.”
“Yes, that’s the one. His name is Jack, remember?”
He gazed at her, unsmiling, his dark-brown eyes wide. “He worked at the FBI.”
“Yes.”
“Doesn’t he like me?”
“Of course he likes you!” Erica said, shocked. “Where on earth did that come from?”
“’Cause Daddy stayed here before so you could eat dinner with Jack ’stead of me and Daddy. And now you’re going to date him again without me. Maybe he didn’t think I chewed my food good at the picnic.”
How had Kevin even thought of such a thing?
“He likes you, Kevin,” she said. “He was out of town for a long time after our picnic, and now I just see him when you’re with Daddy because I don’t want to waste any of the time I get to spend with you.”
It wasn’t the whole truth. But it was as much of it as her son needed to hear.
“But Daddy has Pamela when I’m with him. Is he wasting his time with me?”
Throat thick, Erica felt her choices closing in on her. “Of course not.”
“Maybe Jack should come to our house for dinner, like Pamela comes to Daddy’s new house.”
The precarious control she had was slipping. “Maybe.”
Kevin slid off her lap. “Ask him tonight, okay, Mom?” he asked. “I have some FBI questions to ask him.”
With that, the boy marched purposefully from the room to collect his overnight bag.
Suddenly she was the one who didn’t want him to go to Jefferson’s. She wanted to spirit him away and live with him in some imaginary place where happily-ever-after wasn’t just a cruel illusion found in fairy tales and romance novels.
“YOU’RE AWFULLY QUIET. What are you thinking?”
They were sitting on Jack’s bed, Erica wearing nothing but a shirt of Jack’s. She’d gone from Mommy to seductive lover in less than two hours. She loved both lives. But hated living a double one.
Wearing the nylon exercise shorts he’d pulled out of a drawer to answer the door to the person delivering their Chinese food, Jack lounged on his side. He leaned on an elbow, facing her. The remains of their dinner and its cardboard containers were on the bed between them as he waited for her answer.
Just moments before, he’d fed her rice with chop-sticks. He’d handled them as confidently as he did everything he touched—hostage-takers, training schools, her. It was no wonder she was so addicted to him.
He shifted slightly. “Tell me,” he said more urgently.
“I’m just having problems seeing my way clear.”
He didn’t move, not anything perceptible, but she felt Jack brace himself.
“I can’t find a picture that works. It’s the only way I can explain it.”
His brow furrowed in puzzlement. “What kind of picture are you looking for?”
“My life,” she said, relaxing just a little. Whatever happened, at least they were talking about it. “I have two distinct and completely separate pictures in my head. There’s my life with you. And then there’s the rest of my life.”
“And why is that bad?”
“Because it’s only one life, Jack. I’m only one person and yes, I play different roles, but they’re all me.”
“I don’t see the problem with that. You play your roles in different places at different times. Everyone does.” He sat up, ran a finger lightly down her calf. “When you’re at the office, you’re Senator Jefferson Cooley’s communications director. At home, you’re Kevin’s mother. With me you’re…”
“What?” she asked, meeting his gaze because she had no other choice. “What am I?’
“My lover.”
Desire melted through her.
Although she wasn’t sure exactly what that answer meant…
“For how long?”
The question wasn’t fair. She knew that. It crossed the line they’d drawn. The line between today and forever, between enjoyment and commitment.
“For as long as it lasts.”
She liked that answer, too. Yet she probably shouldn’t have.
“Okay, so say it lasts a year.”
“Okay.”
“During that year, the people in my life are going to be affected by my association with you.”
“Why do they have to be?”
She had to think about that for a minute. “The people I work with—some of us have been together for more than ten years. They’re my friends. They care about me.”
Jack’s face creased into a slow intimate smile. “I’d expect them to,” he said.
“Yes, but the fact that they care imposes certain obligations. Take tomorrow, for instance. When I go in, they’ll ask me what I did tonight. They always do. I’ve been vague one time too many, and they’ve guessed there’s a man in my life. They’re insisting on meeting him. Checking him out, as good friends do.”
She’d meant to tell him that her son was suffering due to his exclusion from their relationship. But this was true, as well.
“And would it be so terrible if I met them?”
“You have to understand,” she said, trying to understand herself why the prospect frightened her so much. “Since Jeff left me, they’ve been very protective. Worried. They’re thrilled to think I’ve found someone, but they won’t relax until I’m safely…”
“Married?” He didn’t look away.
So she did. “I don’t know. No. But considering how often we see each other, they’re going to think there’s some kind of commitment here. You’ll get invitations to things and then there’ll be holidays when you’ll be expected to be around and—” She stopped, glanced back at him. “It all gets so complicated.”
And that was without Kevin. Oh, man, what was she doing?
“Hey.” Setting aside the remains of their meal, he pulled her hand until she fell forward across him. His arms closed around her. “Don’t panic,” he said. “We’re in control here.”
“But don’t you see? It’s becoming a commitment whether we say it can be one or not.”
“Not if we don’t let it.” He kissed her briefly.
“I don’t know why you came into my life,” he said softly. “I don’t know why you alone give my life a dimension it’s never had before. I don’t know why I met you after Melissa and not before. I only know two things.” His face was an inch from hers, his body, already hardening, pressed against her. “First, I know I can’t change the circumstances that have shaped us into the people we are. And second, I know that while you and I are still getting along so incredibly well, we
’d be fools to let this slip away.”
But they might not be getting along well in another week or another month. She knew that as well as he did. Much better, in fact, considering the secret she was keeping.
And he was right. She could see the dark clouds looming in the future, but the truth was that for now—for as long as she and Jack shared this ability to make each other’s lives so much more than they could possibly be alone—she had to continue seeing him.
Pushing him over, she slid on top of him—and almost came when he uttered a long, sensual groan of rapture. Came not only from her own ecstasy, though there was definitely that, but from the headiness of bringing him his.
As difficult as life with Jack was proving to be, he could always make her feel better. Help her regain control. When he talked to her, she always felt confident that no matter what, she could cope.
Until the next time.
And that was the bad part. There was always a next time.
JEFF WASN’T SURPRISED when Erica sought him out the next afternoon. Without preamble she walked briskly into his office, closed the door and sat on the couch. He joined her.
He’d do anything for her. It had always been like that. But as he sat there with her, ready to help her in whatever way necessary, he had a flash of Pamela in his living room the night before. She’d been laughing at something he’d said, looking at him with such unabashed desire in her eyes, he’d wanted to take her right there in the middle of the floor. He had to amend his initial thought: he’d do almost anything for Erica.
“Kevin told me you asked Jack to come to dinner,” he said, trying to make this easier for her.
Head slightly bent, she gazed up at him, her brown eyes filled with torment and that odd core of strength that had always attracted him. “I was supposed to,” she said. “I didn’t.”
“There’s a problem between you?”
“Other than the fact that he has a son he knows nothing about?” she asked, clearly angry with herself.
He had to get off this roller-coaster ride. He was too damned old. “I told you to tell him.”
She shook her head. “Of course I can’t tell him! And you know why.”
Thinking of his son’s vulnerabilities and fears, Jefferson nodded.
“Part of the reason I didn’t ask him is because there’s no commitment between Jack and me. How can I introduce him into Kevin’s life knowing that at some point he’ll disappear? Especially considering how badly Kevin’s taken the divorce.”
“You’re sure he’ll disappear?” Jeff asked. And felt ashamed for the brief flash of gratitude he felt at that thought.
“Doesn’t everybody at some point or other?” she asked. “First Shane. And then…” She bowed her head for a moment. Composed, she looked up again. “You were going to love me forever, Jeff, and even you couldn’t stay the course. No one’s ever adored me like you did. Not that I’m blaming you,” she said quickly. “I know what I did was horrible. I know it’s my fault, but don’t you see? If I can’t even rely on myself to stay true, when fidelity and trust are more important to me than anything, how can I possibly rely on anyone else?”
He could argue with her, but he’d been a politician a long time. He knew when debate was the wrong choice. “Okay, you’ve said Kevin’s security was part of the reason. What’s the rest of it?”
“How can I bring the two of them together, knowing what I do, and not tell them? It makes the lie so much bigger.”
“You’re a strong woman, Erica. You’ll do what you have to do.” He spoke with conviction.
“What if he guesses?”
“It would’ve happened by now.”
“Kevin might do something, you know, hereditary, that might give him a clue. Maybe someone in his family had the same birthmark that’s on Kevin’s ribs.”
“There’s no reason for him to suspect anything, Erica.” Jefferson hated to see her twisting herself in knots. And hated how much the whole thing was twisting him, too. “You were married when you were with Jack. I’m assuming he didn’t know that Kevin couldn’t possibly have been mine….”
Her forthright glance comforted him far more than was warranted. “No,” she said. “Of course not.”
She’d never know what a salve her loyalty was to him.
“According to what you’ve told me,” he said in a voice that was as reassuring as he could make it, “having a child is so far out of the realm of what Jack Shaw believes he can handle, he’d avoid the truth if his name was written on the birth certificate.”
She nodded. Pulled a tissue out of the box on the coffee table, wrapped and unwrapped it around her index finger.
“And how do I have him in my house—our house—when he’s the reason you aren’t there?”
“He’s not the reason.”
“Of course he is.”
“No.” Jefferson shook his head. “Jack was only a symptom. He wasn’t the cause.”
“I don’t want him in our house,” she admitted, her face lined with distress. “I’m afraid to have him that close.”
Feeling every one of his sixty-five years, Jefferson leaned forward, his back aching right along with his heart.
“You’re in love with him.”
The shocked look in her eyes was all the answer he needed. “No!” The denial was vehement.
But it didn’t change the truth. She might not be ready to admit she was in love with Jack Shaw, but he read a reluctant recognition in her eyes.
He knew her well. Sometimes almost better than she knew herself—a condition more painful to him than he could ever have imagined. There were times he could sense so clearly what she was feeling. Yet, because of her love for another man, he’d been rendered powerless to help her.
“What’s the matter with me, Jeff?” she cried. “How can I need and want him so badly and want out at the same time? How could I have been with him in the first place when I loved you?”
He had to be honest.
“Loving me is safe, honey,” he said, sitting back. He didn’t allow himself to take hold of the soft slim hands torturing that tissue, didn’t let himself touch her at all. “You love me, but you were never in love with me. The in love part is what makes you so vulnerable. It ups the ante incomparably. Instead of being a force that drives you, I’m a steady warmth in the background. Older. Safe. In some ways, giving you the same sense of security a father would.”
These truths were painful to him, humiliating. They’d been so long in coming. If only he’d recognized them ten years ago. If only…
“I’m just a haven for you, Erica.”
“No!” She dropped to the floor in front of him. “You are a wonderful giving man, Jeff. I care about you for that, not because I’m looking for a place to hide.”
He lifted a hand to run it through her hair and stopped himself. “I know,” he said. “But the ability to hide was a bonus you couldn’t resist.”
“I don’t believe that!”
He hadn’t really expected her to. Not yet. It would take a while. She’d think everything through, just as she always did, in her own time. And eventually, she’d arrive at the convictions that would guide the rest of her life.
Just as he had.
He hoped the process wasn’t as painful for her as it had been for him. His real hope should be that she’d have Jack to help her through it, the way he had Pamela. But right then, sitting there alone with her at his feet—probably for the last time—Jeff just couldn’t be that generous.
At that moment he hated Jack Shaw.
Mostly because he had to hate someone, and Jack Shaw was a hell of a lot easier to hate than Erica or himself.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“ERICA, RUDY WALLACE here.”
“Hi, Rudy.” The snake. Another man she’d trusted who’d—
No. She wasn’t going to let life, or her emotional exhaustion, make her bitter.
“Everyone wants to hear what the senator has to say about the nuclear weapons
bill that’s being introduced next month,” the reporter said, forgoing the banter that used to be so natural between them.
“This office has released several statements—”
“Yeah, yeah. The stuff you and your staff have written, I know,” Rudy muttered, his vigilance, at least, status quo. “And Senator Cooley has given the requisite speeches, all nicely written and all saying the same things. What everyone wants is straight answers to the real questions. Senator Cooley’s taking some hard hits on this one. What does he stand to gain? Who’s backing him that we don’t know about? Who’s he backing in return?”
Erica almost smiled. Sometimes the game was fun. But not with Rudy. Not anymore. “Shall I fax you a copy of the senator’s most recent speech?” she asked. It was Friday. Two days’ respite lay just ahead.
“Cut the crap, Erica. Your halo’s finally slipped a bit in the past month. You’ve been in Washington your whole life. You know when it’s time to give a little to protect your hide.”
Erica’s hands started to shake. “You wouldn’t be trying to blackmail me, would you, Rudy?” she asked calmly.
“No. Of course not, Erica,” he said mockingly. “But a friendly word of advice.” His voice was deadly serious. “It’s a lot more pleasant to have friends and play nice in this city than it is to have enemies and walk alone.”
She barely heard him over the pounding of the blood through her veins. The thinly veiled threat pushed her to the edge of a cliff she’d been adamantly avoiding.
For the first time she had to consider the possibility that she might not have a choice about jumping off.
She might have to tell Jack that he was Kevin’s father.
“I HAD NO IDEA she was this far gone.”
Jack’s attention was not on the distraught father who spoke quietly beside him Friday afternoon. He was completely focused on the woman behind the locked bathroom door.
“Let’s think about this, Molly,” he said softly.
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