“Lawson has agreed to let Kevin go,” he told her, his attention focused on the front door of the abandoned station.
“I didn’t have to tell him that Jefferson isn’t Kevin’s father—which is a damn good thing because that’s not something Kevin needed to hear. Lawson’s in way over his head and giving himself up. I want you here when Kevin comes out. He’s going to be exhausted and frightened and needing his mother.”
Trembling, trying not to cry—and not quite succeeding—Erica nodded. She didn’t dare hope it was really almost over and yet couldn’t stop staring at that door. She had no idea how Jack had created this miracle. Had no idea about anything except that she couldn’t breathe until she saw her son again.
The door opened slowly. Every one of the guns around her moved into position.
And then, as though he was simply leaving his school, Kevin came walking out of the building, his feet steady, head held high. It didn’t take him long to spot her. Erica knelt down, ready to catch him in her arms as he started to run.
Except that it wasn’t his mother he ran to. Instead, he barreled into the strong man standing silently beside her, wrapping his arms around Jack’s legs. “Thanks, Jack,” he said, looking up, his expression solemn. “I knew you could do it.”
Erica was never going to forget the moment she saw her courageous lover grab up that small body in a tight hug. A father’s hug.
“Jack?” Kevin asked, pulling back as far as his father would allow. “It’s okay, Jack, I’m fine.” He finished his assurance with a pat on Jack’s cheek.
“I can see that,” Jack managed, smiling even while intense emotions played across his face. “I’m glad.”
“Hi, Mom.” Kevin seemed to have just noticed her. “I guess I’m in trouble, huh?”
“You can count on it, little man.” Erica swung around as Jefferson came hurrying up behind her.
“Okay,” Kevin said, looking with resignation from one parent to the other. “But do you think I can have a hug first?”
With obvious reluctance Jack released his son, but kept his arm around Erica as she buried her face in Kevin’s neck, the tears she could no longer hold back wetting her son’s skin. Jefferson took him next, giving the boy a hug, then chastising him and telling him—at virtually the same time—how very much he was loved. He handed him back to his mother, who held him tightly.
His gaze moving between all three adults, Kevin reached out very dirty fingers to wipe tears off their faces. “It’s okay, you guys,” he said. “I cried a lot, too, at first, but it goes away.”
LAWSON AND THE OTHER students were taken into custody, business was wrapped up, and Kevin had to be fed, bathed and put to bed. Because Jefferson wanted to swing by the Hart Senate Office Building and pick up Pamela, Jack offered to ride with Erica and Kevin in the back of Agent Charles’s car to Erica’s condo.
For someone who had babbled almost nonstop all the way home, his little legs bouncing on the seat, Kevin was noticeably subdued as the four adults in his life fussed around him once they had him home. Needing to be everywhere at once, Erica stopped in the kitchen to make suggestions to Pamela about what to make for Kevin to eat—in spite of the fact that Jefferson’s fiancé already had Kevin’s favorite—boxed macaroni and cheese—going on the stove. In Kevin’s bedroom she turned down his covers, collected fresh underpants and the Power Ranger pajamas tucked under his pillow, stopping to plug in his night-light on her way out.
And then she ran into Jefferson and Jack in the bathroom. The men were taking turns scolding the poor little guy, subjecting him to far more of a lecture than he needed at that moment as Jefferson helped him with his bath and Jack stood back, watching the proceedings.
“It’s almost four o’clock in the morning, you guys. Give him a break,” Erica said.
Shooing them out of the way, she bent over the tub to wash Kevin’s ears. Her fervent gaze took in every inch of her son’s body, because she had to make certain there wasn’t so much as a bruise on his tender young skin.
And because it had been a very long day, she didn’t fight the stray tear or two that fell into the bath.
JACK HAD TO GET some sleep. It was almost five in the morning and this had been a very long night. Jefferson and Pamela had gone home to bed half an hour before, but would be back soon. No one wanted to be very far from Kevin.
Jack couldn’t even seem to leave the boy’s room.
Jack sat in a chair across from Kevin’s bed and watched the covers move as the little guy breathed. Watched and counted. Watched and counted. He found a measure of calm in Kevin’s steady breathing.
He could find no calm anywhere else.
“I used to do that.” Erica’s soft voice came from the doorway.
He hadn’t known she was there. Didn’t look at her now. One, two, three, four. Kevin took about four breaths every ten seconds.
“When he was first born, I was afraid he’d die if I left him alone in his crib….”
“Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.” Melissa had worried about Courtney, too.
“Sometimes at night I’d sit in here for hours, watching him breathe and thinking about you.”
Jack didn’t want to hear that. Didn’t want any of it. Love. Commitment. People in his life who mattered more than life itself. Vulnerability. Things he couldn’t control. Being alone. Walking away. Emptiness.
Turning his head slowly, he looked at her.
“You want to talk?” she asked.
He didn’t. He got up, anyway. Followed her into the den. He liked this room most of all. Liked the wall of windows that gave him the illusion of being able to see the whole world. Made him feel as if he was in control of something.
When, in actuality, he was in control of nothing at all.
Erica came up behind him, wrapped her arms around him, laid her head on his back between his shoulder blades. She was trembling. “Thank you.”
He nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
He nodded again.
“Say something.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Dawn was going to be breaking soon. Jack was sorry to see the darkness fade. He wasn’t ready for the light of day.
With one last squeeze, she let go and came around to stand beside him. “Are you angry?”
“I think so, yeah.”
“At me?”
He couldn’t figure that out. “No.” But he continued, “I lost five years of my son’s life.”
She didn’t say anything, just slid her hand into his. He let her hang on. Eventually his fingers took hold of hers. Her words of a few moments ago kept playing through his mind. Maybe because here and now was all he could handle.
“Thank you,” he said.
“For what?”
“Having him. Doing such a great job raising him. Loving him.” All things he should have shared with her. Taken responsibility for. Risked.
“He’s easy to love.”
Jack could already tell that. Which brought its own shot of panic. And regret. He’d lost so much. All these years, he’d been traveling around alone, living alone, existing alone. Mourning the wife and daughter he’d lost. And all that time he’d had a son.
It took every bit of strength he had to contain the rage. He wasn’t even sure what brought it on. The loss? The regret? The fact that she hadn’t given him a choice? That even now, his choices had been taken from him? Every day for the rest of his life was going to be filled with the knowledge that the incredible agony of losing Courtney could happen all over again.
“I have a son.”
“Yes.”
“Mine.” He couldn’t quite grasp it.
“Yes.”
“That little man who marched out of there tonight, so confident that his world was going to be okay, is my son.” Tears burned the back of his eyes, scaring him. Before that night, he hadn’t cried in years.
“Yes.”
Despite himself, the tears rolled down his face, dripped off his chin. T
he skyline blurred until nothing had shape or definition. There was only color.
He felt a tug on his hand and was too beaten to fight it. He ended up on the couch, in Erica’s arms, her gentle hands soothing him. Years of grief, of fear, broke free. Tears for Melissa. And baby Courtney. For Erica and the torment these years must have been. Tears for Jefferson Cooley, a man whose only sin was that he’d loved too much. Tears of loneliness. For lost years, missed opportunity. Everything that had been building came rushing to the surface and he was powerless to stop it.
And now there was more—something he’d promised himself he’d never live with again. Fear. Cold, all-consuming fear.
At the moment Jack preferred the loneliness.
KEVIN MIGHT HAVE GAINED a father—the operative word being might—but Erica knew she’d lost a lover. Jack’s withdrawal was tangible.
The worst part was, she understood. If she’d learned nothing else through all of this, she’d learned that no amount of determination or hard work could force feelings. And that it took more than love to build bridges. She’d loved Jefferson, but no amount of trying had been able to make her fall in love with him. Or arouse passion where there was none.
In the same way, Jack might love her, might grow to love Kevin, but no amount of determination would be enough to overcome the fear that drove him away. No amount of love could turn back time and reverse the loss of Jack’s faith in life, or bring back Courtney or Melissa.
Erica didn’t know what her future held, but as she lay there cradling Jack she realized that having him in her life had been an act of fate. Ironically, through all the hell she’d suffered since meeting him, since making the biggest mistake of her life, she’d found peace. Maybe not a peace that would diminish the pain of daily living, the heartache. But a peace that would at least give her the strength to survive it.
“We probably shouldn’t tell Kevin about me just yet.” Jack’s words sounded far too loud, interrupting the long silence that had fallen. “He’s had enough trauma for a while.”
“Jefferson and I already spoke about that,” Erica said carefully. Of course, part of the decision was Jack’s now, but she and Jefferson had been raising Kevin on their own for a long time. “We both think that it’ll be less traumatic for him if we’re straight with him from the beginning, rather than letting him think you’re just a friend only to change things later. Besides, it’s time Kevin found out that there are many bosses in his life, and he isn’t one of them. He needs security, and I think knowing you’re his father, knowing that he has not one but two remarkable men fighting his battles, might help Kevin.”
“So when are we going to tell him?”
She’d expected more of a fight. Tried not to read too much into his easy acquiescence.
“In the morning.”
“As in this morning? A couple of hours from now?” Jack asked.
She nodded. “Don’t you think you’ve lost enough time?”
His lips tightened with deep emotion. Acting purely on instinct, Erica leaned forward and kissed them softly, coaxing him to trust her. To trust himself.
It wasn’t a task that could be completed in the short period they had left to them.
KEVIN WOKE UP scared, afraid to open his eyes. And then in his head, he heard Jack’s voice, talking to the bad guys who’d taken him from Mr. Terratruce’s party.
And remembered that he was safe.
Opening his eyes slowly, he was really, really glad to see his room. The Power Rangers were there, just like they were supposed to be. And so was he.
He climbed out of bed quietly and sat on the floor. Maybe he could play for a little while before his mom heard him. He could have a little bit of fun before he got in trouble.
It really stank. The bad guys had grabbed him and he had to get punished for it. And what stank worst was that he didn’t get any work done at the party. He didn’t even get to talk to one person or find out one thing about nucl’ar munitions.
Kevin heard voices coming from Mommy’s room. And that stank, too. He wouldn’t have time to even put on his skates so he could pretend he was skating before she yelled at him. She was probably going to take the new skates away. Or maybe Jack would.
His daddy would for sure if he knew he had them. Daddy had been madder at him than Kevin could ever remember.
But he’d hugged him tight, too. Everything was okay as long as Daddy kept hugging him.
The voices were coming closer to his room. Kevin looked up at his bed, wondering if he had time to get back in there and hide under the covers. Maybe Mommy would think he was asleep.
He got up. Made a run for it. Started climbing into bed.
“We thought we heard you!” Mommy said. His butt was still in the air. Kevin froze, waiting to see how mad she was.
“How you feeling, sport?”
He turned around slowly. He liked it when she called him sport. And she didn’t sound the way she usually did when he did something that made her mad.
“Did you sleep well?”
He shrugged, trying to figure out if she was mad at all. She sure didn’t look it. And then he noticed Jack there, too. In the same clothes as he had on last night.
Jack didn’t seem mad, either.
“We’ve got something to tell you, okay?”
He nodded. He was probably gonna get it now.
Mommy sat down on the bed and put her arm around him. It was an odd kind of being in trouble. Jack stood in front of them, but his shoulders were all hunched, like he was the one going to get yelled at.
Kevin wondered if maybe he hadn’t woken up yet.
“Where’s Daddy?” he asked. Daddy was the one who was going to be the maddest.
“He’ll be here soon,” Mommy said. Her voice was funny, and Kevin suddenly felt worried.
“Am I going to get spanked?” He’d never been spanked before, but his friend Bobbie had and he said it was the most awful thing. Kevin figured he might get the most awful thing for going to that party.
He wished he’d never heard of the dumb party.
“No, although we’re going to have to talk about your rules,” Mommy said. At least she sounded a little bit more like Mommy. “What we want to talk to you about is something different,” she said. She looked up at Jack like she had a question, but then she didn’t ask it.
“Before you were born, I knew Jack,” Mommy said. “And I loved him.”
Kevin nodded. That was okay.
“And when two people love each other, sometimes they make a baby.”
Bobbie had told him that once and Kevin had hit him. “That’s gross. Do I have to know about it?”
“This time you do because it’s important. Because Jack and I made a baby back then.”
“Where is it?”
“Right here. You are the baby we made.”
Kevin didn’t get it. “I’m not a baby.”
“No, but you were,” Mommy said. “You’ve seen the pictures.”
“That was a long time ago.” He looked up at Jack. “You made me?” he asked.
Jack nodded.
“I thought daddies made kids.”
Jack nodded again.
“So you’re my daddy, too?”
“Yes, son, I am.”
Wow. This was the best trouble he’d ever been in.
“Do you know what to do about nucl’ar munitions?” Kevin asked. Jack sure seemed to know everything else.
“I’ll make a deal with you,” Jack said. “You concentrate on following your rules and letting the adults take care of you, and your father and I’ll worry about nuclear weapons. Deal?”
“Deal.” Kevin figured he had to be the luckiest guy around. When Bobbie got in trouble, he got spanked. When Kevin did, he got another dad.
“So now I got two dads?” he asked, just to make sure.
Jack and Mommy looked at each other, kinda smiling, but Mommy seemed like she was gonna cry, too. Kevin got scared. He hoped he hadn’t just messed everything up.
“Yes, sport, you’ve got two dads,” she said, and Kevin felt good again. “Is that okay with you?”
“’Course,” Kevin said, jumping down from the bed. “Do you think we can go skating today?” he asked hesitantly, moving over to study his new skates.
“I think that can be arranged,” Mommy said. “Missing a day of school won’t be the end of the world.”
Mommy and Jack picked him up at once and hugged him between them. He felt better than he had in a long, long time.
“Like a sandwich,” he said. “A Kevin sandwich.”
Mommy and Jack laughed.
“Hey,” Kevin said, thinking of all the things he had to tell Bobbie. And the thing Bobbie was going to ask him. “Do I get to call you Daddy, too?” He wrinkled his brow in puzzlement. “’Course Daddy’s already Daddy, but you could be Dad.”
Bobbie wouldn’t think Jack was really his daddy if he had to call him Jack.
“Just to make sure I always answer you, it would be best if you did,” Jack said matter-of-factly.
Kevin grinned. “Okay, Dad!”
And that was when he knew for sure that the bad times were over.
He’d been sad and scared for a long time. But now he was going to get to play ball again.
He hoped.
JACK DIDN’T MAKE LOVE to her anymore. Hadn’t since the night he’d become a dad. It had been three weeks and he hadn’t so much as kissed her. Until then, Erica hadn’t known it was possible to feel so happy and so incredibly heartbroken at the same time.
Kevin had a new dad. And Jack had a son.
He just didn’t seem capable of taking on any more than that. The risk was too great. He’d been pushed too far.
It was the most difficult thing in the world for Erica to realize that she’d finally come up against a problem she couldn’t fix. No matter how hard she tried, how much she did, how diligently she worked, she had no effect on Jack. His heart was completely outside her circle of influence.
Why that came as a surprise, she didn’t know. His heart had never been hers. She knew that. Their relationship had worked because they’d kept their hearts to themselves.
The Secret Son Page 20
