by E. L. Todd
He wrapped me in his arms and held me tight. “I’m just afraid you’ll realize how much better you are than me.”
‘That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is,” he said firmly.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“I love you too.”
Sean held me in the entryway, slowing my beating heart with his embrace. I wished Diane and I could get along, but it was clear we never would. I wanted to go out there and apologize just to make things right, but I refused to do that. I was the victim here and I was sick of it. I was just grateful Sean took my side. He made it clear I wasn’t allowed to be treated in such a disrespectful way. And that made me love him even more.
20
Mike
When I reflected on my life for the past few years, I realized what a piece of shit I was. No, really. I was.
I manipulated my brother’s girlfriend into cheating on him, I tried to sleep with Scarlet, and when they got married, I acted like a girl and made it all about myself. I teased my brother mercilessly, but because I was jealous, not honest. And I hurt a lot of girls along the way. I fed them disgusting lies just to get in their pants. I even told a girl I loved her just to get my dick wet.
And I hated myself because of that.
When I looked at Cassandra, I realized I didn’t deserve her. I did everything right with her. Hell, I’d been dating her for three months and I hadn’t even slept with her.
That never happened before.
I was happy. Really happy. But did I deserve to be happy? I didn’t think so.
Cassandra and I went to a play then out to dinner. I was quiet most of the time because I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I had this gorgeous woman beside me, flawless and perfect, and I couldn’t help but feel inadequate. What did I do to deserve her? It was almost too good to be true.
“Baby, are you okay?” she asked from across the table.
We finished our dinner and now we were just drinking our wine. “Yeah.”
She narrowed her eyes. “I thought you would never lie to me.”
My lips upturned in a smile. I was surprised she could read me so well. “That referred to the big things, the important things.”
“That’s subjective.” Her hair was pulled back, revealing her face and neck. I didn’t like it when girls did their hair that way, but I liked it when she did. Because she was breathtakingly beautiful. That’s why. “Mike, spill it.”
I never grew tired of her playfulness and candidness. She was laid back and cool. She hardly got upset about anything, even when the anger was warranted. Most people harbored their past and it made them bitter. For her, it seemed to set her free. It was healthy, admirable. I sipped my glass before I put it down. “Why are you with me?” My voice came out quiet.
The light in her eyes darkened, and she slouched slightly. It was the first time I’ve seen her do that. She was normally so poised and elegant. “What do you mean?”
“Why are you with me?” I repeated.
She stared at me, speechless.
“I’ve fucked more girls than I can count. I’m a shitty person. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’m a spoiled brat that had everything handed to him. In other words, I’m a piece of shit. What the hell do you see in me?”
The fire came back into her eyes. “What are you implying? That I’m with you for your money?”
“No,” I said quickly. “Not at all. I just…I can’t understand why you’ve stuck around for so long. You’re so damn perfect. You deserve a better guy.”
“But there is no one better,” she said gently.
I averted my gaze.
“You were honest with me about your past. You’ve never downplayed who you used to be. But I see the man you are now. You’re completely different. Just because you did horrible things doesn’t make you horrible forever. You need to forgive yourself and move on. Because I think you’re pretty great.
“You’ve been nothing but sweet to me from the beginning. I’ve never felt pressured to be physical when I didn’t want to be. You actually listen to what I say and don’t stare at my chest all night. You open the door for me. No guy does that anymore. You stare at my eyes, not my tits. You make me feel beautiful without saying it. You respect me and value my opinion. You sleep with me and hold me instead of pushing me to the other side of the bed. When you are with me, I feel like the only girl in the room. When I told you about my divorce, you didn’t treat me differently because of it.
“Your sense of humor is identical to mine. Our minds are linked in a complicated way. I loved spending time with you. Even if we’re watching TV, I still feel connected to you. I’ve never had someone in my life that I’ve loved doing everything with. You’re my best friend—but better.”
All those words made me feel a million times better. I guess I let my past get to me and weigh me down. I had a wonderful woman in my life and I should just cherish her and not question it.
She fidgeted with her hands on the table and took a deep breath. When she fixed her eyes on mine, she released the air from her lungs. “And I love you…”
Everything in the room stopped. The surroundings blurred to lines and colors. No one else in the world existed. She sat across the table, but the people behind her were gone. It suddenly became very quiet.
No one ever said that to me before, at least since my old girl friend in high school. And that wouldn’t even count. We were just kids. She didn’t say it the way Cassandra did. My heart throbbed in my chest at the words. I’ve been waiting to hear them escape her lips. But I never anticipated how good they would feel.
Disregarding everyone around us, I left my chair and kneeled at her side. I took her hands in mine and kissed her. Everyone in the room clapped. They probably assumed I just proposed. Her lips were immobile for a moment then she kissed me back. When I pulled away, I saw the joy on her face. I took a deep breath and said the words I’d wanted to say for months. “And I love you.”
Her eyes bubbled with tears but they didn’t fall. She pressed her face to mine and closed her eyes. Together, we shared the moment. I’ve never felt pain like this before. It was borderline joy. That’s how I knew it was real. Love was always painful but in a good way.
We walked into my apartment then immediately headed to my bedroom. Wordlessly, we communicated. I knew what was going to happen next, and so did she. I’d thought about this moment for a long time. It was the first time I wanted to be inside someone for an emotional reason, not a physical one. I wanted to give myself to her, and I wanted to take her in return.
I wanted it to be slow, to last for a lifetime.
When we reached my bed, she grabbed my tie and loosened it. I stared at her, watching the desire and love glow in her eyes. She dropped it then moved to my jacket. I wanted to undress her, but I held back. I wanted to relish every touch, every sensation.
Cassandra unbuttoned my shirt, staring into my eyes the entire time. The sound of our breathing echoed in the room. I could hear every sound she made. She swallowed the lump in her throat, the excitement heavy in her eyes.
When my shirt was gone, she graced my body with kisses. She started with the skin over my heart then moved to my sternum. I watched her, feeling more aroused than I ever had. My hand moved into her hair, grabbing the band that restricted her hair. I pulled it out with one fluid motion, letting her strands come loose. It spoofed out, big and lustrous. My fingers glided through the strands, loving the feel. Her lips ceased their worship and her hands went to my pants. She unbuttoned then yanked them down. When they were off, her fingers played with the band of my boxers. She looked down and stared at the bulge in the fabric. Then she pulled it down.
She released a deep breath then automatically licked her lips.
Shit, that was hot.
She yanked them off. On the way back to her feet, she placed a gentle kiss on the tip of my cock. It twitched in retaliation, feeling a shot of heat from her lips. It felt damn good. When she came to me
, she was still looking down at him. The desire was bright in her eyes.
The excitement coursed through me, making me hot and bothered. I grabbed the back of her dress and undid the zipper. It reached to the top of her ass. When it was loose, I gently peeled it away.
Her black bra pressed her big breasts together, making a noticeable valley. She wore a matching black thong. Her stomach was flat and defined. The tattoo went down her ribs. Looking at her was like looking at a supermodel on the cover of a magazine. She was so perfect, she had to be airbrushed.
My hands glided around her waist, feeling her petite size in my fingers. Her bellybutton was pierced, and a shining jewel hung in her navel.
I loved bellybutton piercings.
I kneeled before her and kissed her stomach, my tongue licking the jewel in her navel. I went father down and kissed her thighs. Her fingers glided through my hair, her breathing heavy. I’ve never dropped to my knees in front of a woman, worshipping her like my queen. But I did with Cassandra. I came back up then undid her bra in a quick motion. I pulled it off her shoulders then stared at her breasts. They were perfect, round and hard. I kissed the skin over her heart then guided her to bed, having her sit at the edge. Then I kneeled down and sucked her nipples. Her breathing hitched and she whimpered slightly. Sighs of pleasure escaped her lips and her hands moved to my shoulder and gripped me tightly.
My hands moved to her thong then yanked it down. She lay on her back so I could get it off. When we were both naked, I wrapped my arm around her waist then guided her up the bed, resting her head on a pillow.
The room suddenly became hot with the heat of our mutual desire. Her lips were partially open, wanting me in a profound way. I’ve never been bare with someone, touching my flesh with theirs. I didn’t want to be separated by latex. I wanted it to be her and I.
She wrapped her legs around my waist and pulled me toward her. “Mike…”
I didn’t want to ruin our moment by asking if she wanted me to wear a condom. I decided to go with it. I trusted her to tell me to stop if she wasn’t on birth control.
My cock twitched when I realized I was going to be inside her. I’d fucked countless girls on this bed, but I never made love to a single one of them. Cassandra was my first. I pushed my tip inside her then slid inside.
“Fuck…” I couldn’t even explain how good it felt. She was so wet for me.
She cupped my face and kissed me.
I was so winded by the connection that I had to catch my breath before I moved inside her. She was so smooth and warm. I rocked her gently, kissing her with loving embraces.
Connecting our bodies like this healed me. I really changed and became a different person. I never had the heart or ability to love someone the way I loved her, but I had the potential to do it now. And I loved her deeply. She was my light and joy. I’d die before anything bad happened to her.
I never made love before, but I figured out how to do it. I just followed my instinct. I wanted to make Cassandra come like she never had. It was clear she was over her ex, but I wanted to make sure she didn’t have any reason to ever think of him again. At least sleeping with a surplus of women gave me that ability.
I moved inside her with long and even strokes. When I kissed her, I felt her lips with mine. Then I pulled away and looked into her eyes. “Beautiful.” That was all I said. Then I kissed her again. When her nails dug into my back and she started to moan, I knew I made her climax. She tightened around my cock, making it feel that much better for me.
Her face reddened and she released pleasurable sighs. “Mike…” Her head rolled back as she finished the amazing orgasm I just gave her. She came back to me and clung to me, trying to catch her breath.
I leaned down and gave her a kiss on the forehead. My lips burned as soon as I touched her. I returned my look to her eyes as I felt the explosion in my lower balls. The orgasm was a million times better than any other. She gripped me and rocked me from below, making my orgasm last as long as possible.
God, she felt good.
I came inside her, depositing my seed. It was the first time I’ve ever done that with a woman. When I finished, I stayed on top of her and pressed my head to hers. We were locked in each other’s embrace, riding the high we both felt.
The world seemed to be a better place after the experience. I didn’t feel depressed or alone anymore. I found the girl of my dreams, the woman who claimed my heart in a way no one else ever could.
I snuggled beside her and wrapped her in my arms. Wordlessly, we closed our eyes and went to sleep. The world continued on around us, but for me, time had stopped.
21
Cortland
I didn’t tell anyone about Hazel’s offer. I knew exactly what they would say. Ryan would tell me to tap that shit quick, Mike would ask if I was gay since I hadn’t, and Scarlet would tell me she would do her if she were a guy, so why haven’t I? So I kept it to myself.
Maybe I was old-fashioned, but I couldn’t sleep with someone on such hollow grounds. When Scarlet and I messed around, there was still a relationship there. I was fond of her the moment I met her. Hazel was different. She said it was okay if she hooked up until we were better, but wouldn’t that make it worse? Wouldn’t the fucking make me miss the tender nights when I made love to Monnique? I guess Monnique would be in my head no matter what I did.
When I got depressed like this, I focused on all the progress I made. I was better than I was before. Monnique was still in my thoughts but not as much as before. I knew I made a break through when I finally left Scarlet’s house. But how long would it take me to get over it? Six months? A year? That was a long time.
My head was spinning with thoughts the entire time I was at work. Scarlet joined me for lunch like she always did. She was always there, even it if was wordlessly. And she always made me something delicious. I checked with Sean repeatedly to make sure I wasn’t pissing him off by hogging all her attention, but he brushed it off and said it was fine. I was glad they came to a point in their relationship where there was nothing but trust for the other person. It reminded me how Monnique and I used to be…
Scarlet seemed sad today.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Sean’s mom came over last night.”
“Oh no.”
“She said I was an embarrassment to the family and she was upset we didn’t tell her I was pregnant.”
“She would have known if she apologized.”
Scarlet picked at her fruit cup.
“Don’t let her bother you. If anything, she’s an embarrassment.”
“I know…I just wish we could be close. Sean should have his family. I hate knowing I’m the wedge keeping them apart.”
I shook my head. “It’s not you, Scar. It’s her. She’s the one putting the strain on the relationship.”
“I don’t even care about image or saving face. I’d apologize and take the blame for everything if she would just like me and accept me. I want Sean to be happy.”
It amazed me how selfless Scarlet was. I didn’t understand why Diane had such a problem with her. Obviously, there were moments when Scarlet didn’t look her best, but they weren’t the worse things in the world. “Scar, let it go. She’ll come around when she matures. It’s just unfortunate that she’s an adult and still needs to grow up.”
“Thanks…for making me feel better.”
“You’ve been my crutch for the past three months,” I said with a smile. “I’m always willing to return the favor.”
She gave me a serious look. “I’m happy you’re doing so much better. God, I was scared for a while.”
Those were some dark times. “Me too.”
“So, you like Hazel? She’s a sweet girl.”
“Yeah, she’s great.”
Scarlet stared at me, pressuring me to say something more.
“I’m not ready to date.”
She sighed. “When will you be ready?”
“I don’t know,” I said hones
tly.
“I hope you aren’t waiting for Monnique to come back…”
“I’m not,” I said immediately. “In fact, all this time apart has made me start to think about everything. Sometimes I wonder if she really loved me at all.”
“I’ve been thinking about it too…but I don’t doubt she loved you, Cortland.”
“I just don’t think it was as much as she claimed. How could she walk out on me? I don’t know who the hell she slept with and I’ve never asked.” I felt the anger rise so I swallowed it back.
“Maybe the break up was best,” she said gently. “I think you’re the greatest guy in the world. And you deserve the greatest girl.”
Scarlet always said the sweetest things to me. “Thanks…”
“When you’re past this, you’re gonna find someone really amazing. She’ll be a supermodel but she’ll eat like a pig. She’ll beat Mike at every round of poker. She’ll be a gymnast.” She gave me a wink and I laughed. “And she’ll be fucking awesome.”
“I’ll go get her right now,” I said with a laugh. “Where do I find her?”
“You have to search. The journey is always the best part.”
22
Scarlet
“Cortland tapping that girl?” Sean asked over dinner.
“No,” I said with a sigh.
“Wow. I’d be going crazy right now.”
“You wouldn’t if you lost me.”
His eyes softened. “Well, that’s totally different. I’d kill myself if I did.”
I knew he wasn’t joking. Our relationship had become stronger since we got married. Now it was hard to imagine a life without him there. He was the other half of me. Now we were a set. Ryan and I used to be the inseparable pair, but Sean quickly changed that. I was surprised the transition was so easy. “Hazel seems like a great girl for him. I just wish he would move on already. Monnique doesn’t deserve the vigil he has for her in his heart.” I was bitter about Monnique because we used to be such good friends. Now I didn’t even know her. She was so horrible to me when I went to Seattle. It broke my heart. Why did I push everyone away?
