“But you usually sail ships?” I asked, avoiding all that.
“I usually run a destroyer.” He smiled.
“Whoa,” I said. “That sounds… Dangerous.”
“It’s not for the faint of heart.”
I was quiet after that. Avery’s father had been knocking at death’s door for years now, tempting fate.
My mom began to ask questions and soon they were talking without us and I was fine with just that.
“I love you,” I heard Avery whisper right into my ears. My eyes dropped as my smile grew.
I turned my head left to see her again.
I leaned into her ear and held her shoulder in my hand. “I want to kiss you again,” I said truthfully. She had my hand in her lap and I hated that we were here at this table instead of away in a room. “I’m still hungry,” I laughed. Everything was gone from my plate but I was ravenous. It was probably the sex.
“Can’t have that,” she joked, laughing. She turned and filled my plate up. “Eat it,” she said, leaning back in her chair and watching me.
We didn’t need anyone else. We had each other. But it was nice to try and mend things. Nice to unload and have truths known that were important and put strain on us all.
I ate obediently and waited for the time when we could be alone again.
Nearing the end of the dinner, after my mom had brought out dessert and I’d finally caved and drank wine in front of Avery’s dad, the conversation about living arrangements somehow came up.
“I’ve been meaning to ask,” my mother had said. She leaned over her hands and looked to Avery’s dad getting serious for a spell. “It seems our daughters are quite in love. And I’ve been thinking of inviting Avery to come live with us here if that’s alright with you.”
“Mom,” I said. That was sort of intrusive. Not the question but the way she asked and the timing of it all.
“There’s just no need for you two to be sneaking around. If you’re engaged you should be sleeping together. I’d rather you go into marriage fully aware than surprised at the end and regretful.”
“You really don’t have to worry about that last part,” I said.
I wasn’t about to tell her we were already fucking but implying it was enough.
I looked to Avery’s dad unsure of how he felt.
“Would you like to live here, Avery?” Her dad asked after sitting back, looking a little pained.
“I would,” she said decidedly. She didn’t need to mull it over. She already knew what she wanted and she wanted this. “I love Olivia,” she said. “And I hate being away from her. Plus, things are complicated enough at home. I’d just be there when I wasn’t with Olivia anyway, which wouldn’t be much.”
“You’re not a complication,” he said. “I’ve missed you. I’ve been wrong.”
“I know,” she said. But that didn’t change anything.
“You’re welcome to live with Olivia if you’d like,” he relented, making the decision without the help of her mom. “But I want to know you Avery. I want to be a part of your life again, if you’ll have me. I know it may not seem-”
“Dad,” she said, stopping him. “I know. I’m not going to disappear or anything. This is what I want. I’m still your daughter. Maybe we should do a weekly dinner and go visit mom on family day and Olivia and I will come over sometimes. ”
“I’d like that,” I said.
“Alright,” her father said firmly, warming up to the thought. “But only if you and I have some time for just the two of us.”
We all ate cake awkwardly. I didn’t know what to say. If my mom said that to me I’d feel strange. And if she said it in front of Avery I’d get mad.
But I knew Avery secretly wanted alone time with him. She wanted him to love her and treat her like he used to treat Adam. It was sad and strange and I hated it.
I tried to distract my brain. It wasn’t good to let it spin.
“I want to play something,” I said, switching gears.
We needed to break the ice and Mr. Lockhart had never seen me play. It seemed right all at once.
“Come on,” I said, standing.
I walked out of the room and made my way to the piano.
As they sauntered I set myself up.
As soon as I sat I knew exactly what I wanted to play.
Often I would dive into classical or things like Philip Glass but the truth of the matter was I loved love songs, I loved pop music, I loved everything, and sometimes I just wanted to sing.
My fingers fiddled about, an improvisation to an intro I knew extremely well. Avery came in and smiled, she sat down at my side and as she did I began to sing to Avery, the perfect song, Carole King’s “Will You Love me Tomorrow?” Our parents watched as they came inside.
There was a certain pride I felt when I got to sing to Avery. I’d honestly never felt it before.
I played and played, letting my fingers work their way until at last the song ended and I felt happy, truly happy again.
“Okay,” I said, standing up. “I’ve got one more and then I’ll take requests or stop or whatever.”
I walked over to the wall and pulled the ukulele down tuning it fast. “G, C, E, A,” I sang in tune with the pluck of each individual string. I didn’t need a tuning pipe. I knew my scales.
This one was for Avery’s dad.
All that talk about submarines had given me the idea.
“I know this song is kind of lame but I’ve always loved it and I can’t think of the sea without thinking about this song. And seeing as you’re a sea captain, I figure, what the hell, you might just get a kick out of it too. So here,” I said.
I pulled a chair up and motioned for him to sit down so I could play something just for him.
When I started to strum I felt idiotic for what I was about to do but I also felt that not doing it would be a total waste of a perfect opportunity.
As soon as my voice started though I could see that he was smiling.
I don’t think I’d ever aptly had an opportunity to sing the song “A Whale of a Tale” from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I was the type to just do it whenever and hope that no one noticed me. So this was new. The song was so perfect for a Navy man. As I sang the outdated jokes my mother watched on with a sweet gleam in her eye I wasn’t quite used to enjoying.
The second I stopped I heard laughter and clapping. I bowed instinctively and felt my heart pounding into the hand I had placed on my chest. I’d done what I wanted. I could rest now. That’d be fine. Having energy and nerves was too stressful and I wanted to work it out.
“I hope you know, I never dated those other girls,” I teased Mr. Lockhart. The song was structured around all the lost loves of a thoroughly charming seamen and I’d been playing that part.
“I certainly hope not,” he teased back.
“20,000 Leagues Under the Sea,” he laughed. “That’s a classic! Where’d you even find such a relic?! You must’ve gone and looked that up to try and impress me.” He folded his arms- acting skeptical.
“Are you kidding? I’ve always been terrified of Narwhals!” I played. “From the depths of the never-ending ocean,” I quoted. “From the fathomless world of infinite mystery and unearthly beauty which man had yet to discover!” I cut myself off with my own laughter, I couldn’t even play at not being obsessed.
“Olivia’s surprising,” my mother laughed too. “She’s always loved that movie and that song. She used to drive her father and I up the wall. Especially with the ukulele!” She groaned.
“Well, I love it,” he said. “I’ve never heard it sung so beautifully.”
I felt myself trying not to blush.
“Thanks,” I said awkwardly. He stood up and swooped me into a tight hug.
I wasn’t sure what to do so I hung unto him and hoped that Avery wouldn’t mind. I was worried about being too nice and getting closer than she’d want me to be. More than once I’d caught her eyes stealing me and searching me. Sometimes I was bad
at reading her and I hated that most. There was nothing I could predict. I just wanted to smile again with them all, make them happy, make them laugh.
Not knowing where Avery was in her mind stole me though now that I was done. My mind flew right back to her and I wondered what she’d want me to do, how she’d want me to be. I hated not knowing all that more than I hated anything else.
Chapter Three
Avery
Dinner wasn’t the torture that I thought it was going to be. No one asked me horribly personal questions about Ben. My dad didn’t try to drag any information out of me and Olivia actually said everything I needed to say. At first I wanted to butt in and stop her but as much as it bothered me in the moment, after it was done I was glad that she told them everything.
Then Olivia played. No one said a word for a second after the first song. She put everything into her playing. I was sitting beside her and I could feel it all. Everything she usually kept internal started to slowly leak from her in the form of music. Her eyes lit up sort of like when she looked at me but in a more ethereal way.
That second song, I knew when my dad grinned at me that this was something she was doing to try to make everyone happy. I was of two minds. As he watched her with rapt attention, listening and tapping his hand on his knee, I was happy to see joy in him. It had been forever. There was a sad side to it. I knew all the times I needed him to be there for me were gone. All of the loneliness, the tears, and my anger did not go away because he was here now trying to make it right.
He knew that but I needed to tell him when I was ready. When he flew off the handle and went to find Ben I was angry that it was now when he had something external to fight that he came to my rescue. Watching him hug Olivia melted me a little. She looked over to me- her eyes asking me if it was alright. I wanted them to be on good terms so I smiled back at her, concealing the unrelated feelings.
“Well, now that you charmed the sea captain I guess the evening is complete,” Liz smiled sleepily.
I sat on the piano bench, fingering the keys but not pressing them down. There was a flash in my periphery and I smelled Olivia’s scent as she sat down beside me again. “You always make me happy when you play,” I said to her.
“You okay?” She asked.
“Of course, I’m happy.” I was also sad but I wouldn’t spoil things with unwanted emotions.
“Are you sure? I was worried that I-”
“No, babe,” I insisted, turning to her. “You were great and everything was lovely. Even at dinner I was okay. It was a lot easier than I expected.”
I could hear the murmurs from our parents chatting in low voices beside us. “Well, they seem to be getting along.” I breathed out a laugh. Who would have thought? “This afternoon we were all nearly in the middle of a fistfight and tonight we’re having after-dinner concerts in your music room.”
She leaned into me and slipped her arm under mine, linking us together. “Life's funny like that.”
My eyes widened and I sat up. In all the music and seeing my dad and Olivia interact I’d forgotten that I was going to live here now. “I’m moving in. We’re going to live together.”
“Yeaaaah,” Olivia nudged me with her elbow. “You were there when we discussed that, right?” She was messing with me but I was overcome.
“It’s just sinking in. I need to pack.” I looked down at the piano keys with a faraway smile. I didn’t have to try and sleep without her. We wouldn’t have to find a way to be together. This had turned out beyond perfect. There had to be a catch. Maybe I was dreaming and I would wake up alone. I reached down and pinched my skin.
“What are you doing?” She asked, laughing awkwardly.
“Making sure I’m awake,” I replied.
She batted my hand away from my arm and shook her head. “You’re so weird.”
“And you love me so what does that say about you?.”
She smiled at me through her amusement, her cheeks glowing. I placed my hand back onto the keys and she put hers on top of mine.
“It says I'm lucky, to have found my weirdo,” she teased lovingly.
“Ah, fair enough.” I pressed a key and she put her other hand on the keyboard. “You know I’d really like to just go upstairs now.”
“What about your dad?” She asked.
I looked beside us. They were still talking, ignoring us while they got to know one another. “I guess I should talk to him.”
I didn’t really want a one-on-one right now but we needed it since I wasn’t going back with him. I got up, trailing my hand along the keys and feeling Olivia’s hand following mine as she stood on the other side.
“Dad, you want to come outside with me for a sec?”
He stopped midsentence and looked up at me and then back at Liz. “Yes, you know, I think it’s time for me to be going anyway. Walk me out?”
I nodded and watched while he said goodbye to Olivia and her mom. My family had consisted of so little a month ago and now it was filling up with people, some old, some new. I was grateful to Liz for making this so easy. Welcoming me into her home and life. It was a gift and I hoped that she would see Olivia as she should in time. They both needed each other.
“I’ll be back,” I said, kissing Olivia on the cheek. I couldn’t leave her without some kind of touch. It wasn’t right in my mind.
I joined him and we walked down the hall and out the front door. We were both silent, me because I didn’t know what to say. The front steps led from the large porch down to the circle drive. There was a small fountain at the head of the drive and I stopped there, close to his truck.
He just looked at me, nervous, his hands shoved in his jacket pockets. “Well, I guess we have a lot to talk about.”
I nodded. “Not right now but soon. I’m sorry dad. I don’t want you to think that me moving out is because of you. I can’t deal with not being with Olivia right now. I know maybe in the future there will be times where we have to be apart and I’ll figure out what to do but right now we don’t have to be apart and I need her.”
We didn’t talk about feelings. Dad wasn’t an emotional sort of person until it came to anger, then he showed his rather readily. That was just how he was but I didn’t have to be like that. I was tired of not feeling things only to have them hit me in a landslide of panic and anxiety later.
“I understand.” He put an arm around me and I let him pull me in.
“I think you’re young to be making these kinds of decisions about the rest of your life but I’m not going to get in the way. I know that will just make it worse and I want to be in your life. Know that I’ll be there for you no matter what. I’m never leaving you again.”
I looked up at him. There was a glossiness to his eyes and I knew that this was the closest that I’d ever seen him to crying. Not even when Adam died did I once see him break down. That was the problem. Bottling things up meant the contents became pressurized and one day it would be too much.
“I know.” I couldn’t stop that little bit of doubt that nagged at me. He could still leave one day if things got tough but I was becoming more sure of him. Only time would really prove anything.
“As much as I disagree with what you did, thanks for trying to beat up Ben.”
He laughed, having to let me go so he wouldn’t knock me over.
“Don’t hurt yourself, old man,” I joked.
He shook his head and tugged me back into his body. “I love you. You know that.”
“Well, I do now,” I replied.
I wrapped my arms around his back and hugged him, sad that this was the first time in years that I’d felt close to my dad.
“I’ll see you soon,” he said, letting me go. “Friday is Family Day. You and I should go visit your mother.” He took the last step down to the driveway and walked around to the driver’s side of the truck.
“Okay,” I agreed. I waved at him and wrapped my arms around my middle. “Only if you buy me dinner.”
With one last chuck
le he waved back and smiled. “Deal.”
I watched him drive away. The bed of the truck disappeared into the night as he neared the end of the drive. I could only see a faint glare from the tail lights when he braked to turn onto the street.
I stood there, just looking. Life sped past me sometimes and I needed to hold it, stop it from getting away from me. The further away from my old life I got, the more aware of how cold it had been. Minds have defenses that we’re not even aware of. They kick in when everything is too much, too hard. I guess mine clicked on sometime years ago and I hadn’t realized how much it took away from my appreciation of being alive.
Paper Dolls [Book Three] Page 6
