I thought of five seconds before. Her telling me she’d never ask me to do what Ben did. I thought of my crying.
It was always me failing her… Never the other way around.
“I need you, not someone to be strong for me,” she expressed. “I don’t have to tell you what happened. It’s not going to hurt me if you don’t know. Then you wouldn’t have to hate him more. I’ll tell you only if you’re sure you want to know. You’re not failing me if you don’t want to hear it or can’t. You could only fail me if you turned away from me even though you loved me and even then I’d understand.”
“I want to hate him,” I gasped bitterly. Already I didn’t hate him ENOUGH! “And I need to know! I’ll always wonder if I don’t know!” I was getting loud now. I needed to bring it down. I hushed myself to a forceful whisper. “I’ll always be confused about this and us and what we do when we’re alone and you’re touching me. You've seen. I’m confused!” I touched my temple forcefully with my index finger and shook it but I didn’t feel it. “And it hasn’t been your fault. It’s my brain. I can’t stop it.” I waved my hand. “I’m not turning away from you. I’m not going anywhere. But I can’t keep doing things while wondering these other things. I go crazy.”
That alone, sounded like gibberish as I tried to hear it back.
“Come on,” she said, taking my hand and leading me away. We walked through the back yard and up toward the treehouse.
The whole way there I tried to fight back my fears but my fears were like little monsters with their own anger and their own limbs all bred off of mine.
There was no way I could fight them. I was only one; just one. They were many.
Chapter Five
Avery
The whole time we were walking my heart was racing. She needed to know. I had to tell her. I wanted to rock back and forth in a corner somewhere. Maybe in a room with padded walls. Somewhere I couldn’t hurt myself or her. She wasn’t going to process this well. God knows I hadn’t even begun to and I relived it in my head all the time.
She was still crying and I didn’t know how to stop it. I’d run out of tears. I couldn’t do it anymore and I knew when I told her these things I might scare her because I had to go to a place where I didn’t feel it all to talk about it. I had to shut it down some.
We got to the tree and started to climb up. I could feel her right behind me and I tried to keep breathing steady or else I’d panic. It was slow going this time. We weren’t here for happy reasons. We were here because this needed to happen and we needed to feel this out together.
It seemed farther this time but I finally got to the door and went inside. It was the same as when we left earlier. I swallowed and waited for her to get inside.
“I’m gonna start a fire,” she said as I helped her in. “And get candles. And we need music. Just to distract.”
I hadn’t noticed the furnace-like ceramic piece off to the corner. She pulled a record player out from a separate room and brought records in.
“Here,” she said, fetching a blanket from a closet and putting it onto the ground. “Are you cold? I have more?” She looked down to me when she asked and touched her hand to my back. I could see she was scared but she was trying to be strong and I could see that too.
“Yes,” I answered. I went to the closet and took another of the blankets, setting it down and watching her start the fire. “Are there glasses because I’m not shy? I just don’t want to be a heathen.” I didn’t even wait for her to answer before I grabbed the wine and took a long chug.
“I could find a glass but you seem fine,” she smiled lovingly. She had tears in her eyes but the way she looked at me made me smile.
The fire lit easy. She had one of those stupid expensive logs wrapped in paper. Because she was Olivia, she threw some extra twigs in from a decorative basket that sat by its side.
I drank and watched her.
By firelight the place was a dream.
A dream about to be invaded by a nightmare. One that came true and was still happening sometimes in my head. She was strong. Like the wine. She kept me from tipping over into that darkness, flying into space where I would suffocate in dead space.
“Hold on,” she said, getting up and walking to some other room.
When she came back she had taken her suit off and thrown on a simple shirt dress. Where she got it? I couldn’t say.
“I have clothes, if you don’t want to be wet.”
She probably knew this would take a while. “That’s probably a good idea,” I said, getting up to follow her. “Was this like a second home or something?”
“Sort of, yeah,” she said in a daze. “I used to come up here a lot more often. It’s strange,” she laughed. “I used to think being up here was like being independent. Being away from them. Like running away. That’s stupid right?” She asked, looking back at me, a confused and semi-angry smile on her face. She’d opened a drawer with a few things I could pick from. She was just standing in front of it now and waiting.
“That’s not stupid. It was away from them. It felt different.” I looked at the neatly folded clothes, not really seeing and picked the first things I touched. Some kind of shorts and a t-shirt. I stripped down right there, changing into the dry clothes and enjoying the feeling.
“They don’t come up here,” she said. “They built it for me and pretended it was my house,” she said, watching me but thinking away, about the past and the way things were before.
We drifted back to the other room and I sat in front of the fire, drawing the blanket I’d pulled out around my shoulders.
She brought a notebook over and a pen. I watched her sprawl out onto her stomach in front of the fire, book open, pen in hand, like she was ready to take notes.
“It’s for stress,” she said, dropping the pen and tightening her hand into an agitated fist before loosening her fingers again and taking the pen back up. “Sometimes I doodle.”
When her eyes saw the wine she dropped the pen and reached up to take the bottle. She drank some generously and exhaled just a bit before shaking her head and setting it back down.
I watched her sketch a palm tree for no reason.
“That’s nice,” I commented.
She looked up at me and gave me a sort of bitchy smile. “You look fucking amazing in this light,” she said, rolling over onto her back so that she could stare up at me.
“I’m sorry. Did you just drag me for complimenting your drawing?” I reached over and smacked her on the arm. “Rude.”
“I’m not dragging you,” she swallowed. “It’s really hard not to stare.”
“At me?” I shrugged a shoulder. “I’m alright.”
“Mmmhmm,” she said, pursing her lips and sizing me up.
After that though she turned back over onto her stomach, took another drink of the wine and resumed to fiddle with her notebook and pen.
“Should I start at the beginning?” I asked, sighing and wishing I was about to tell her someone else’s story.
“Start where it feels right to start,” she said, her face down. She was avoiding me a bit and I knew why. “Drink some wine,” she said. “Drink it all if you want. And if you need anything from me. Tell me. Even if you just need to stop.” Her voice got real quiet at the end.
When I didn’t talk she turned around to look up at me. “Should I kiss you first?” She asked.
“You should always kiss me first.” I got down, laying on my back beside her, putting my head near her notebook.
“Okay,” she smiled, drinking me in with her eyes. She must not have been kidding about the lighting. The way she was staring was more than intense.
I felt her hand on my chest as she dipped over me and kissed me sweetly. Her lips grazed mine at first as she teased me and stole my breath in defiance. “I like you up here,” she whispered over the crackling of the fire.
When she kissed me for real I felt how much she wanted me again, how much it was true.
She pulled
away, locking her eyes with mine and seeming serious.
“More?” She asked, one eyebrow raised. I wondered if maybe she wanted me to distract her from this deep down.
“Always more,” I said, tapping my lips. “Then we talk.”
She smiled and shifted, moving so that half of her body was ontop of mine. I felt her right hand come down and brush my hair from my face as she stared down on me.
“I can still feel you,” she said with a soft smile.
I felt her body shift and watched her react to just the touch of me against her.
When she lowered her head down to the left and finally kissed me I could feel how weak she was, how much she ached for me. When I kissed her she felt more than usual. This is what she meant. I made her more sensitive, broke her defenses down so she was raw.
“Mmmm,” I moaned into her. “You make me dizzy in a good way.”
“I’m always dizzy with you,” she said, taking my hand up to her chest and forcing me to squeeze. I watched her head fall back and her mouth fall open with an airy gasp.
I balled my other hand into a fist, grabbing the blanket and trying not to jump her right there. I don’t think either of us could take that right now. It was hard.
“Are you aware of what you’re doing?” I gritted the words out.
“I’m aware that I’m in love with you,” she said, a smile so close to taking over her features it nearly slayed me. She pushed me back again and kissed me slow.
I felt her naked legs rub on mine as her thigh pushed down into my center and rubbed.
“Fuck, baby.” I grabbed her, pulling her into me, my hands moving down to her butt.
She gasped in my mouth as I squeezed.
“I’m sorry,” she whined. “We were supposed to do something, I think.” Pretending to forget. So much for being strong.
“No, you can’t stop.” I pulled at her shirt, desperate to get more. “I need you.”
She smiled as she kissed me, rubbing up into me and kissing me harder while she held at my face.
“I think I’ve got my energy back,” she said sweetly. “It only took, what? A mental breakdown?” She laughed, shutting herself up by kissing me harder and biting my bottom lip.
She was saying words but I didn’t know what they were. I groaned, bucking into her, reaching my head up to kiss her again. We were always changing directions like this. She was spinning me back into my need with nothing more than a few kisses and that smile.
“Touch me,” I begged.
I felt her hand lift up the hem of my shirt, her skin touching down but moving up my side just to graze at my breast.
“Touch you where?” She asked, still kissing me and pushing into me every time.
“Wherever you want. Everywhere. I don’t fucking care.”
“Fine,” she said, moving back off of me only to take both hands and push up my shirt on both my sides.
I liked when she did that. She always took my clothes off like that, touching more of me than my clothes. Making it known that she wanted me naked.
When she came up my body she licked my stomach, dragging all the way up between my breasts.
I felt the shirt come off and then she was kissing me again, her hand on my side.
“It’s hard not to kiss you,” she said. “That’s what I like.”
I felt her lower her body down onto mine. She moved to the side and lowered her hand down my body, sinking it right down under the elastic in my shorts until she was feeling me there all warm and wet just for her.
“Kiss me. Just not on the lips first.” I moved my hand to her head. “Do you feel how wet I am. That’s because of you.”
She let out a shaky breath. I could tell I was doing things to her just by saying words. My words always affected her much more than I thought they would.
“It’s always taken time with other people to get there. You look at me and I can feel my body react. Every time you kiss me, touch me, look at me and smile, I get wet for you.”
“That’s how I feel,” she said, her eyebrows twitching ‘cause she needed me to know.
I felt her whole body dip down again, her hands trailing lazily behind and feeling the whole of me. Her fingers looped in my shorts and she tugged them off gently, taking her time which was agonizing in and of itself.
She placed small kisses on my inner thigh as she trailed her hands back up my legs and laid her body down between my legs.
I felt her thumbs come up to my center and part my lips. She pulled at them simultaneously, pulling them apart and then dropping them, she did it at least three separate times.
The fourth time I felt her blowing cold air at my sex.
In front of the fire it felt strange. Different temperatures, different feels.
When she pulled them apart again I felt a warmth as she used her tongue to gently lick up my sex and taste me sweetly.
First she let me go but then she did it again the exact same way.
I struggled to stay still so I could just feel it. The fire cracked loudly. I wanted to smash myself into her but I needed to take it slow so I could just let her touch me anyway she wanted. We both needed this.
“Okay,” she said. “No more teasing.” She pushed up just a bit and I felt her full tongue press straight down on my clit as she licked and licked. “Mmmm,” she hummed onto me as she tasted. Her hands were on my thighs and as she tasted me she squeezed her nails down into my skin, somehow knowing that I liked it.
I licked my lips and tried to breathe. “Vi.” It was the only word I got out before she was making me squirm into her. Her nails bit into me, making pain explode in my head. It felt good and bad at the same time. It was perfect. I tried to reach down but I couldn’t make myself move like that. I had to hold onto something. I caught the edge of the fireplace with one hand and the leg of the bed with the other.
As I braced myself I felt her enter me. Her tongue slipped away from my sex and she pushed into me with her fingers, leading her body up mine as she licked my stomach just to tease.
“I’m gonna try,” she said. I felt her other hand leading it’s way up my body and then pushing up onto my neck. When I opened my eyes I could see that she was looking down, trying to see if it was okay.
I looked at her, hunger making me wild. She was trying for me. That turned me on more than what she was doing. She loved me so much she would try something that made her feel like that. I nodded, feeling her hand with every movement and then I lay back, anticipating.
She pushed into me a few times but then I felt her teeth bite hard on my breast.
When I opened my eyes again she was looking down. “Look at me,” she said, still fucking me, still holding my neck. I felt her press a little harder, her fingers tightening. It was like she was mad I’d closed my eyes.
I didn't know if I could only because I wasn’t going to be able to move with any purpose for much longer. My head rose at her command and I looked into her eyes. I was here in this moment for her. I pressed up into her hand, feeling it around the whole front of my neck. Nothing made me crazier than that tone to her voice.
“Cum for me,” she said. “I need you to cum.” She was looking right at me when she said it. I felt her push in just a little harder, going deep as her eyes sorta flared. “Baby, please,” she said, a little desperation to her tone.
My body just needed her to tell me and it happened. My head hit the floor with the force of the orgasm but I raised it back up, knowing that she wanted to see. I’d do anything for her as I came apart under her hands. I grunted and groaned and let out little choked strangled noises, blinking in and out, pushing myself down onto the hand that was fucking me.
“Good girl,” I heard her say.
Her body fell onto mine and she pushed into me hard one final time, pushing all her weight into the hand inside and a little more pressure onto my neck.
“Fuck,” I gasped and released my hold on the fireplace and bed. My hands ached and I couldn’t move. She’d made me cum tw
ice in the shortest span yet. I lay there, no energy inside me. It wasn’t just the sex it was the emotional drain of everything. Her body pinned me to the floor, the weight relaxing me even more. My eyes closed and I was at peace.
Not long after that I felt her kissing me sweetly, tiny nips here and there.
“I love you,” she said, her tongue warm on my earlobe as she whispered. “We can sleep if you want. We have tomorrow. We have all day.”
Paper Dolls [Book Three] Page 10
