“It’s not something you just say to people. It takes your mind away from you. And sometimes I wondered if it was all real or if I was making it worse in my head. Maybe I’d wanted it all and I was just ashamed to say it. It was confusing and he had me wrapped up in every lie and manipulation he’d told me. I knew once I told you it would be out there forever and I’d have to accept that it was real and I let it happen. I was scared.”
Now, I was crying into the floor, covering my face with one hand, the other jutting toward the fire. “It’s not something you just talk about.”
“Baby, I’m sorry,” she wept, crawling over me and kissing my shoulder and placing her hand on the back of my neck.
She moved off me a second and took her dress off. When she came back I felt her skin on mine, her lips again and her hand at my neck. “I’m sorry,” she whispered sadly.
I felt her on me, her weight and lips. My face stayed buried in the floor. “Don’t be sorry,” I whispered. She might not even hear me.
“Let me,” she asked. Kissing my skin over and over. “Please,” she begged, kissing me softly.
My feelings would shift over time but I could still feel the panic of those moments steal me away and I hoped that I could stop it when it happened. “This is part of why I didn’t want to sleep without you.”
“Why?” She asked.
“I had a hard time sleeping ever until you. I’d lay awake and think about what a mess I was making of my life.” I wanted to turn over but I was afraid she would move. I liked her there.
“Sleeping with you makes me feel safe.”
“Good,” she said, kissing my skin again.
The way she cupped the back up my neck in her hand felt so good.
“I love sleeping with you,” she whispered.
“Good, that means that my snoring doesn’t keep you up,” I laughed.
It felt good. I had to laugh now or I’d just keep on crying. That wouldn’t do for me. I hated crying.
“I can’t believe you let me complain so much about being tired…”
“What do you mean?” I shrugged and raised an eyebrow. “If you’re tired you’re tired. My insomnia doesn’t mean that you can’t be tired.” I reached up, hampered by being on my stomach and tried to ruffle her hair.
“You let me complain about everything when you were going through so much.” She brought her hands to her face and wiped her eyes with her fingers.
“So, just because I have craziness doesn’t mean you don’t have valid feelings and complaints. You don’t complain that much. No more of this talk or I’m going to have to spank you,” I joked, giggling with chuckles.
“Yeah, whatever, you’d like that,” she teased, moving her body away and taking the wine up and drinking it again.
“Hey, pass that.” I couldn’t believe there was any left. “And you’re probably right” I sighed and took the bottle from her, turning it at an odd angle to get it to pour into my mouth, I spilled a little. “Damn.”
“And this is why I try to drink ALL the wine,” she teased.
“Nah, you’re just wine greedy.” I set the bottle aside and tried to move. “Okay, we need to switch this up. You shift off and I’ll roll over then you can feed all the wine into my mouth and everyone will be happy.”
“I don’t wanna drown you,” Olivia laughed. “And if you spit wine in my face I will be very upset.”
“I’d never do that. It’s illegal.” I tried to hold her steady as I tried to flip over but I knew she was just going to fall so I stopped. “But for real, if you value my boobs, let’s move.”
“Okay,” she laughed joyously.
I felt her roll as soon as I tilted and we ended up both on our backs. “Phew, that’s better.” I reached up and patted my breasts. “Yep, everything’s in order.” I laughed. “How about you?” I reached over and was about to touch hers but she smacked my hand. “What? I was just checking.”
“You think you’re so smooth. It’s hilarious. ‘Cause you’re not,” she said boldly.
“Hey! I am too. I’m the smoothiest… or something.” We both laughed at that one and I rolled into her.
“The smoothiest?” She posed, teasing my stomach with her fingers. “You are mushy,” she smiled. “And sweet,” she made a maybe face.
“See, it works and you have just proven my point for me. I rest my case, your honor.” I poked my stomach, trying to figure out what she meant. I wasn’t mushy.
“Don’t you dare,” she said, raising an eyebrow in threat.
“Don’t I dare what?” I grinned and protected my stomach from further probing. “Do you have an objection?”
“Don’t fucking do that,” she was getting upset.
“Okay, fine, I’m sorry. That was uncalled for but I’m sorry. It was too funny in my head.”
She pushed into me and straddled me. In one swift move and she had my wrists in her hands. “I will hold you in contempt,” she threatened, looking down at me.
“Maybe you should become a lawyer just for the sexy jargon.” My heart beat faster and I watched her eyes for signs of anger.
“And maybe you should sail a ship,” she posed, accusing me.
“Only if you like uniforms.” I could tease better than her. She got angry so quickly and I knew I could play the game a little longer.
“Okay,” she said, panting a bit to try and keep my wrists since I was struggling on purpose. “What kind of uniforms do you think I like?”
“Well if I’m sailing a ship I’d be wearing a Navy uniform. Officer’s service khakis.”
“I was thinking more of a cheerleader’s uniform but okay,” she said, challenging me.
“Oh, so you want me in a short skirt with a midriff top in team colors?” I winked at her. “The truth comes out. What else would you want me to dress in.”
“Lots of things,” she said, ogling me. “Mostly this though, this is good.”
“Naked is not dressed, Vi.” I poked her side and gave her a wry smile. “What else, maybe I have something at home. You know, I’d show up somewhere in a cheerleader uniform if it made you squirm.”
“Everything you do makes me squirm,” she reminded. “You know I like cheerleaders, I already told you I watch Glee.”
“Don’t play. You know I know girls on the cheer squad.” I ran my hands up her sides.
“If I saw you in one of those outfits I’d instantly cum. I don’t know why or how, I just know.”
“I’m going to test that theory.” I nodded to myself. This would be the only good thing about going back to school. I might have to promise to get it dry cleaned but it would be worth it.
Tired of being bested by my strength, she rolled off of me and laid back onto her back.
I watched her stare at the ceiling.
“Are you happy?” I asked. It was my first serious question since we were through discussing Ben.
“I've never been this happy,” she sighed almost bitterly before calming and giving me a certain look. “I'm just beginning to feel stable. We're so new but I feel like I've known you for so long now. Like you've somehow always been meant to be mine. Like I needed to find you. Even when I'm down with you I feel better than before. Even when I'm sad with you I'm not as sad as I was when you first asked me if I was sad...” She paused for a moment, so serious. “That's the first important question you asked me. Are you sad?” She repeated it now. “I don’t think anyone had asked me that before… It was like you knew even then… It's hard for me to have happiness… You've seen. It scares me. And it's hard for me to stay in it. To believe it.” She was concentrating on the nothing in the room. “When I'm happy, I’m not used to it, I can’t trust it. When I’m happy I see darkness where it isn't there. My mind plays tricks,” she said honestly. “I've probably had more happiness with you than I've ever felt in the whole rest of my life.” The thought made her sad. I could tell. She coughed out a sad laugh and readjusted her body so she was on her side and she could touch me.
&nb
sp; “Are you happy?” She asked, her eyebrow dazedly raising. It was a complicated question and she was showing me that. “I don't expect you to be,” she said. “I don't think it can be easy for us. Not right now anyway. And that's probably why we fit. We both found ways to live without needing it for a long time. But then we found each other and things changed. Suddenly we had someone to be happy for. Someone who didn't expect anything of us. Someone whose entire agenda was simply to make us feel good.” She was getting caught up. “I'll ask you anyway, even though I think I know…”
“For me, it used to be,” she was always putting up a division between then and now. “It was different,” she continued. “Little things made me happy… Happiness was tiny moments I could string together and ruminate on. A powerful rainstorm... An unnecessary compliment… A good story… A moving song. They weren't real though. Not in the same way. They weren't you… With you it’s this constant underlying element. An element that can overpower everything else if I let it. A current running beneath everything I can think or do. It’s like safety… Like what safety is supposed to mean. I’ve never had that before. Never felt it. Not this kind. It’s good but it’s new.”
She let out a breath that was almost a gasp. Like it took her air away to try and explain it in words.
“Are you happy?” She asked me again, her eyebrows burrowing, seemingly tragic. She wiped a few tears from her face with one hand.
I watched her lay back down on her back. She thought she said too much. She always did.
“Yes, I’m happy but I’m also other things. Scared and stressed about Ben and afraid that my mom is going to relapse. I’m still scared that my dad will find another reason to leave and that going public will cause us trouble. I can deal with all of that though because I have you and you’re not going to abandon me. You’re special, different and you make me happy all on your own. Does that make sense?”
“Makes a lot of sense,” she said, shutting her eyes and letting my words sink in.
“I’m not leaving you. Not ever,” she went on. “Not even if something happens we can’t take back.”
“What do you mean? Something we can’t take back?”
“Humans are strange. Love is strange,” she said, rolling onto her side to take in my body and play with my hair. “People say love can come and go. People have urges. Things happen sometimes and they don’t know why. Even if something like that happened. Even then I’d still be yours. I can’t explain,” she said. “I wouldn’t leave you unless I knew someone else had you. That you wanted someone else. It wouldn’t matter what I wanted. Ever since I met you I’ve put you first and I’ve liked that feeling. I’ve never done that with anyone else. With you it’s an instinct. I’ve only ever wanted to show you love. Even if I’ve shown you other things.”
“You’re saying that if I cheated on you but it was just a fling that you’d stay with me? Babe, first I’d never do that to you. I know shit happens but no. No one has ever given me what you give me. I don’t need anyone else. Second, I want you to be happy above all else too. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I’d hurt you like that. Your happiness and needs are first to me too. If you were to ever want someone else or fall out of love with me I’d understand. It would be the only way I’d let you go.”
We were the same. “You and I know, more than most, that the world is unpredictable and there’s no map for what it throws at you but I’m yours. I can’t see anyone else. That’s the kind of devotion I feel for you.”
“I’m not asking you for blind devotion though. I love it but I’m not asking you for that. I’m not asking you for anything Avery, other than to let me love you. That’s the thing. I just want you to be. And I want you to know I’m here for you and I want to be here for you no matter what happens or where we go. That’s not about devotion or duty. That ring isn’t about a contract. It’s about love. And how I promise to love you no matter where we go and what happens to us. To me it’s a promise. And every day I feel it more. Every day I feel more confident I can keep it.”
“That’s exactly how I feel. It’s not me ignoring people to be devoted to you. That’s just how it is.”
“I just don’t want to get to a point where you feel you have to keep things from me or you feel bad for hurting me. Your silence would hurt me more. Secrets,” she swallowed.
“I’m really bad at keeping secrets especially from you. If I ever, ever started feeling something like what you’re describing it would freak me out and I’d tell you immediately because I can’t live with that guilt. I talk too much anyway. You know that,” I explained. “If it will make you feel better I will promise to never keep anything like that from you even if I could.”
“That’s the kind of thing you think now but if it happens you’ll feel differently. I just want you to know that no matter what happens I promise to be here for you. No matter what. Because of this,” she said. “Because of where we started. How.”
“Olivia, you make me feel like you expect me to cheat on you or just leave you for someone else. You make me feel like you don’t believe that I love you the way that I do. It makes me feel like you doubt that I can be honest and tell you how I feel.”
“That feeling isn’t about you though Avery. It’s about me and how hard I know I am. I’m not an easy person to love. You heard my mom. She would know. She’s loved me longer than anyone. Even if she hasn’t done it right. I don’t expect you to cheat on me or lie but I do expect you to be human.”
“Are you kidding me right now?” I sat up, looking down at her, my eyes narrowed, pain registering in every part of my mind. “You are the easiest person to love that I have ever met. Your mother has some fundamental issues in her own emotional shit that makes her say things like that. You didn’t have to do anything but be you and I fell like a brick. Don’t let her bullshit get you confused on that. It’s not really a picnic to be in love with me sometimes either. That’s just humanity. We all have our flaws but you and I fit.”
“I just don’t want it to be some duty for you…” She looked up at me sadly, her chin quivering. “Not ever,” she seemed nearly broken by the thought.
“You’re not my duty. You’re my joy. You make me happy even when you’re making me crazy. Like right now. I love you even more. I just want to kiss the hell out of you and fold you up in my arms and love you forever.”
“Kiss me,” she begged, needing me.
I did. Words weren’t necessary anymore. We’d talked enough for right now. What I needed from her was to feel that she was with me. I hoped that she would feel my love through the connection, flowing from my every movement towards her.
When I kissed her after talks like that it was so much different than before. I could taste her worries and her fears. I could feel how sensitive she was to me in every way. I could taste how she needed me.
Chapter Six
Olivia
Life with Avery was so much different than life before. My emotions were a mess. I panicked a lot more. I had a lot less anger, a lot more of everything else.
She took me places I’d never been with real people.
And when I had fears she quelled them.
And when I cried she didn’t laugh at me or tell me I was strange.
We spent the night up in the treehouse, sleeping in.
Somehow I got her up on the bed after she kissed me like she did, long and slow like I craved.
When she kissed me like that I got lost in her entirely. It wasn’t like anything else. I could live there. That was happiness. Our cocoon.
It was hard to let her stop actually. Whenever she tried to pull away she would smile like she knew.
“Don’t tease me,” I would whine.
She always teased though, always, but then she’d be kind and kiss me again.
I hated the feeling that I needed or wanted her a lot more. It was a sick feeling and it wasn’t fair but I always felt it, this traitor hiding inside.
Now the sun’s seepi
ng in through the window right over our naked bodies. The smell of the wood is so familiar yet new because I smell Avery too.
I woke to heat on my skin, Avery holding me and completely awake.
“What’re you reading?” I asked. It was like the hotel again. My heart lept.
Paper Dolls [Book Three] Page 12
