“It’s not even just that it’s sexual,” she said. “Adam… I don’t even feel like I should be allowed to say his name.”
“Of course you can say his name but what do you mean sexual?”
“I mean usually those types of jealous feelings are stronger when sex is involved or the potential of sex. Adam’s an example of the feeling being similar but different. I’m jealous that I couldn’t know him. Couldn’t know you through him. Couldn’t share your life when he did. Know you like he did. Things like that. And I know you didn’t have sex with Holland. But you obviously had a sort of romance and that’s something that you’ll always know together, a connection that’s yours. A connection with you I can’t be a part of.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way and I’m really sad that you’ll never get to meet Adam.” I put my lips to her cheek and pressed and then looked down. “I can’t take you to my past but you’ve got my future.”
“Sometimes you’re such a hallmark card,” she laughed in frustration. I felt her pull my head in her hand and kiss the top of it.
“I’m a little insulted. I thought it had more of a 90s song lyric vibe.” I smiled as she kissed my head and then looked up. “I’m a dork.”
“We both are,” she said reassuringly. “Hey wait, you never told me who your celebrity crush was,” she realized. “Also, can I change mine to Michelle Pfeiffer? No wait… KStew…. No. Wait. SHAY MITCHELL! This is gonna take a while...”
“Oh, sure. And mine is Jennifer Lawrence.” I laughed so hard at her. “Babe, just make a list. It’ll save you some time.”
“If I try to make a list I will never finish it,” she groaned.
“Oh god, now I hope we never meet any of those people. I might have to fight for you.”
“I’ve met a few…” She said.
My eyes narrowed and I looked at her. “Seriously? Which ones?”
“Shay Mitchell, for one, and she is like five hundred times more beautiful in person…”
“Okay, that’s not helping.” I tried to stay calm and not think of five million ways to murder Shay Mitchell but it was hard. “Wait… You two didn’t…”
She looked at me strange.
“Babe, she’s a celebrity. I just stared and left. I was in a store. I wasn’t going to go up to her and pledge my life while she was buying Aloe Water at a fucking Whole Foods. I didn’t even do that with Angie and that was an event where things like that were totally common and happened a lot.”
“Woah, this is a lot of information. I don’t know these things. You’re fucking gorgeous. Totally as hot or hotter than either one of those people and I didn’t know…” I just sat there fuming. It was ridiculous and I knew I shouldn’t feel this way. She was just so casual about it.
“Didn’t know?” She wasn’t sure what I was saying. “I’ve met a lot of celebrities actually. I used to go to those Film Festivals and Conventions down in San Diego every year. Especially for Glee. But my parents attend Gala’s and events and stuff, a lot of them have celebrities in attendance, it gets more people to show and give or donate. And if you go to L.A. or Manhattan at all you totally see people. It’s not uncommon. Especially if you’re a creep and you have twitter. Or you’re rich and you stay in overpriced hotels. I’m just usually stand-offish and I don’t really want to engage- I just want to see them in person. I dunno… That’s weird, isn’t it?” She thought for a second. “Shay was gorgeous though… I just sorta froze. You know she even asked me about the stupid drink in my hand and I couldn’t say fucking anything. It was a mess. But she smiled at me and I laughed and then she was gone.”
“So, you’re around all these hot celebrities all the time. That is a very comforting thought. Just let me sit on that one.” I tried to laugh and smile but it came out a little strange. “It’s weird. I don’t know what I’d do either.”
“Wait… Are you mad at me right now?” She seemed really confused.
“I’m not mad at you. At all. I just guess it took me by surprise. Gorgeous celebrities all around you and all. It’s a little unsettling but that’s my problem.”
“They’re not just around me. They’re around everyone. What are you thinking?!” She laughed. “You think I’ll just run away with Shay Mitchell next time I see her in a store? I like how I’m concerned with the actual people in your life who I know you love and you’re worried about me leaving you for some obscenely famous stranger.”
“Not worried about you leaving me for Shay Mitchell,” I grumbled, pouting. “I’m just being stupid and weird and jealous of people. I don’t know. I guess I just don’t like to think about any real people that could take you away from me. That would be even worse.”
“No one could take me away from you,” she laughed. “Especially not someone like that. I can’t even talk to celebrities. I lose it. I get like when I first met you. All business and then completely broken. Remember that?”
“Yeah, you were cute.” I smiled remembering how pissed off and straightforward she’d been. I softened and just thought of her and that made me really happy inside again.
“To me you were a celebrity. Everyone knew you but me.”
“What?” My head jerked back. A celebrity, I was not. “You mean because I was on swim and track team?”
“No, I mean because you were super popular and everyone knew you and you were super-hot and everyone knew that too and you couldn’t get two feet within school without someone mentioning Avery and how great Avery was and oh look Avery won this and oh wow did you see Avery last night and then my assignment, you remember my assignment? All Avery, nothing but Avery. It’s like the second you moved into town you became a household name. I really felt like I was the last person in school to try to talk to you.”
“Maybe you should have tried to talk to me.” I slid my hand onto her leg. “I’ve never thought of it but what if we did meet sooner. I knew of you but I didn’t know anything about you. I think it would have made a lot of things different but maybe it wouldn’t have happened the same kind of way, you know. I know I would love you though.”
It was an intriguing question.
“I actually think about that a lot baby…” She said sadly. “I try not to but it’s hard not to. I wish I could go back and do it differently. Meet you sooner. Keep you from him and everything else… But then I think you probably wouldn’t have been able to see me then. You needed time to figure it all out after Adam.”
“Yes, that was one of my first thoughts but I think I would have seen you given time. I know that Ben didn’t affect my ability to recognize everything I love about you. I don’t know. I might have broken your heart back then because I was too fucked up. You’re probably right but maybe you also would have helped me through it and we’d still be right where we are, about to get married.”
“This is why I can’t think about what if’s,” she laughed sorrowfully. “If I think of how I could’ve kept you from him it breaks me inside Avery.”
God, she was so fucking beautiful.
“We really don’t need to dwell there. It’s a dangerous place. Let’s just be in now and think about how cute our place will be and how I’m going to wear a badass dress at our wedding because I’ve been thinking about that too.”
“Yeah?” She asked, smiling.
“Yep, I really want to be a stupid girl and get one of those bride magazines just so I can look through it with you and talk about things that we probably wouldn’t ever have in our wedding anyway. Have you thought about it at all?”
It was something I wanted to bring up all the time but she seemed so damn focused on the present that I avoided it and never did. I just thought about it and never said a word.
“I haven’t much, no,” she confessed. “Haven’t had time. Been a little distracted.”
“That sounds good though,” she said. “I’d love to get magazines and talk about things.”
“Good, I’d like that.” I patted her leg and shifted. “Why don’t you start grabbing bags
and I’ll go get something out of the other room that I forgot and we can load the car up.”
“K,” she smiled, getting up and starting to help.
I drifted out of the room and went straight to my parents’ bedroom, looking behind just to make sure that she wasn’t following me for some reason. When I was sure, I slipped in and knelt down, pulling a little metal box from underneath the bed.
I rolled the combination to the right numbers and opened the box, sifting through the contents to find what I was looking for. A little velvet box sat in the corner under some insurance papers. I took it and shoved it in my pocket, locking the box back and shoving it back under the bed.
Then I pulled my phone out and started a text.
Avery: Hey Dad. We’re at the house picking up some things. I got Grandma’s ring out of the safe box and I’m going to give it to Olivia. Mom promised it to me as you know. Sorry we missed you but I’ll see you tomorrow.
I’d been thinking about it for a few days now. How I needed to get the ring so I could find the right time to give it to her. I didn’t want it to be just normal or boring but I had no idea how to do it. There was only one person I could think of that might help.
Avery: Sky, if you have any ideas on how to propose to a girl I need your help. I’m drawing a blank and I need to find a really awesome way to give Olivia this ring.
I put the phone in my other pocket and walked back into the hallway, almost bumping into Olivia who was carrying a ton of my bags. “Here, let me help you.” I grabbed the heavier ones and we walked to the cars, stuffing some into mine and some into hers. There were only a few left inside and we went back for those.
Within ten minutes most of my possessions were in our vehicles and we were ready to go.
“Okay, let’s roll.”
Olivia got in her car and I let her go first. I followed her back, one hand on the wheel and the other on my phone in my pocket. I didn’t want to wait too long. Maybe I should just do it tonight and try and find a way to make it special with words but Olivia was right. I was like a Hallmark card. Not great at anything but cheesy sentiment. I gripped the steering wheel a little harder.
Skylar: You know her better than I do. Just go with your heart and it’ll be fine.
I checked the text and put my phone away. No help. The whole rest of the drive back I tapped my fingers on the wheel and tried to think. When I pulled into the driveway I was no closer but I had a feeling that the moment would just occur.
I parked the car and got out. “Hey, should I put my car somewhere else?”
Olivia was getting bags out of her trunk.
“Um, if you want but it doesn’t matter,” she said. “We have like a driveway that goes up to the guest house entrance. I just wasn’t sure what all you wanted in the guest house and what all you wanted in my room since we haven’t moved.”
I shrugged. “I guess we can put my clothes in your room and the pictures and that kind of stuff in the guest house but we can leave them in the car for right now. I’m guessing we’re going to ride together tomorrow anyway.”
“If we’re moving into the guest house we should put your clothes in there… Guess I need to move to,” she realized. “Sorry, I’m already doing this all wrong. Shit!” She said frustrated. “Babe, my phone’s ringing, can you get it? It might be my mom.”
It was in her pocket and she had her hands full. I dumped the bag I was holding and put my hand in her pocket, pulling out the phone and answering it without even checking.
“Hello,” I said.
“Is this Avery?” A voice asked. There was laughter right after and it was bitter.
“Yeah, who’s this?”
“Wow,” she said. She sounded rude right away. “Olivia works fast.”
“Excuse me? Who is this?”
“Don’t worry about it. Just tell your new girlfriend that her old girlfriend wants to talk to her. Kay, thanks.”
The line went dead. Everything in my body went rigid. “Oh, fuck no.” I turned around. It was a mixture of panic and anger. A really sour, painful tonic.
“Baby?” Olivia looked over at me confused. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
She was still holding all that stuff. I reached out, taking the bags from her hands with one of mine and shoving the phone towards her. “Apparently, your ex-girlfriend wants to talk to you.” I walked straight up the stairs, carrying the bags like nothing had happened. I was practically running though. My heart was skipping and knocking to get out of my chest.
“Avery?” I heard her calling after me. Coming up the stairs as quickly as she could. “Avery?!” She was upset. Worried. I heard her pant near me as she stood just away not sure of what to say.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, nervously.
I shook my head. I couldn’t even talk right now. I just walked on, through the house and up the stairs to her room. When I got near the closet I tossed the bags down and turned around, pacing back and forth near the bed.
“Avery,” she said, coming into the room and acting calm, just watching me.
I waved my hand in the air, not knowing how to slow down.
“Do you want me to go away?” She asked worried.
“You always ask me stuff like that.” I stopped.
“I’m sorry,” she said scared. “I just don’t know what you want me to do.”
“Why is Natalie calling you?”
“I didn’t answer it. I don’t know,” she said. “We’re friends though, Avery. At least I want us to be. It was never her fault we couldn’t work. It was mine.”
“You?.... You told me it wasn’t just because of me. So what did you mean?”
“I told you about all of that,” she said, bummed. “I felt like I used her, remember?”
“But if it wasn’t for that you’d still be with her.” I walked past her to the door. “Call her back.”
“What?” She stood alert. Her whole body went stiff. “I told you why it didn’t work with us. I used her for sex. I didn’t let us be something. It was nothing like us. It could never be like us.”
I couldn’t deal with this right now. It was too much. I’d been holding back the stress over everything because I felt like it would all be okay after tomorrow but this broke me. Her voice on the phone. Like she knew something I didn’t. Like she was laughing at me.
“Call her back. She wants to talk to you.”
I left the room, going down the stairs and out to the pool, running along the path in the opposite direction of the treehouse. I had no idea what was out here but it wasn’t Natalie and that was better. The trees were dense this way. There was a tennis court somewhere this way. I knew that much.
I looked back, trying to see how far I’d come, when I ran into a fence. It came out of nowhere. I couldn’t even stop myself if I wanted to but it supported me, the wooden slats bending with my body. I stepped back, put my hand up to my nose and felt wetness and warmth. “Fuck,” I muttered.
I felt nothing and I kept going, walking now instead of running. I didn’t hear Olivia coming after me. She probably couldn’t even catch up that fast if she tried. I knew Natalie and I weren’t the same but what if she wanted Olivia back and Natalie convinced her somehow?
Natalie’s voice reverberated in my head. This must be what Olivia felt when she thought of the people I’d been with. I’d been jealous of Natalie before but hearing her voice was something new. The timing was shitty and she sounded hot.
I felt dumb thinking these things. I was stupid. All over again. I was a mess. I was the one who was going to fuck it up. Maybe it was better if she just went back to Natalie. She obviously hadn’t forgotten about Olivia. Who could? She was amazing. It would be just like my life to let me meet the person I wanted forever and then rip them away.
They might as well shoot me if I had to see them together. The road was coming into view now. I’d circled the house and I didn’t know what to do next. If I went back we would have to talk about it and Olivia would be hurt. I�
��d hurt her. I ran. I was worthless.
I reached out, letting myself fall onto the side of the road. I rolled over, my head laying on the hard concrete. I could still feel the blood on my face. I didn’t wipe it away. I just lay there, wanting to hurt. Deserving no such relief.
All I could think of was how much I was letting Olivia down. I was doing what I said I wouldn’t. I left when things got hard. That’s what I did. It was in my blood. She was right about me. I felt dizzy, weirdly so. I reached over and felt my head. There was a lump where my forehead had impacted the fence post. I let my hand fall to the concrete again and tried to focus. You were supposed to stay awake when you had a concussion, right? The clouds wavered before my eyes. They always floated but not like this. Now they shook and spun. I’d imagined us on the deck of a boat looking up at the sky like this. On our honeymoon maybe or a vacation.
Paper Dolls [Book Three] Page 16
