I was happy that she loved me enough to let me in. Beyond happy and I couldn’t imagine her not loving me back. I don’t think I could be as strong as Natalie was being. I wouldn’t be able to see her or talk to her because I’d want her too much.
“Normal things like… Just holding hands,” she said, touching me. “Going somewhere and talking. Having it be not about sex.”
“We have the whole package. We’re lucky.”
She should know that I knew that. We had differences but they didn’t overtake the things that kept us together.
“The last time I had sex with her. I was already with you,” she said, closing her eyes and motioning to her head.
“What? When?”
“Before the lodge,” she reminded. “I just mean my mind was already on you then. Nat had to try to get me to be with her. It’s how I knew I think. When it was done. How I knew I didn’t love her.”
She pulled my hand up to her neck and pushed it down. “I was like this,” she said, closing her eyes and tilting her head to the side. “She was inside me and I was thinking about you.” She tightened my hand down on her neck and let up. “So she had to push me, to get me to open my eyes and be with her.”
I hated thinking about her being with Natalie, having sex with her but a petty part of me cried out with happiness that she was thinking about me even then. Before I even knew what she was thinking and feeling. “Did you think about me the whole time?” I moved my hand lower.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” she said. “Nat was asking me if I thought you were pretty. If I wanted to fuck you. She made me think she wanted me to be thinking about you. She let me.”
“She knew,” I whispered. “Why did she do that?” I put my hand on her hip and thought of myself taking Natalie’s place that day instead of the possibility of Olivia thinking of someone else while being with me.
“She tried to break up with me I think… Right before. Before I followed Ben to you. It was all that same day. I’d called her right after I talked to you at the school. I needed to calm down. You set me off. Made me feel things. I didn’t even apologize to you. I couldn’t make myself. I felt stressed. If she’d let me I would’ve gone and had sex with her right then but she tried to warn me I think- about being in love. She pretended to break it off. So I followed Ben. And right after I followed you to the diner she’d left a message and I’d called her back. It was weird… The whole thing. One day changed so much for all of us. But yeah, I think you’re right. I think she knew. She definitely knew I didn’t love her right.”
“It did. That changed everything. You might not have kissed me.” I remembered that night. While she was off with Natalie I was… “Tell me about that night with her.”
“What?”
“That night- after you- I was only with her for about ten minutes before I went home.”
I wanted to know everything so that I couldn’t imagine what they did. The truth was always more grounded than what I could think up in my head.
“You had sex in ten minutes?!” It always took us so long to be satisfied.
“More like 3,” she said.
“Was that normal for you two?”
I couldn’t imagine a world where I just had an orgasm with Olivia in three minutes and didn’t want more.
“We usually took more time,” she said. “She was just trying to help me and go I think. She knew I was sexually frustrated. I’d told her why I needed her before. It makes sense to me a lot when I think about that last time. She was mad at me. Jealous. Also proving something to me. Sometimes it was quick with her but usually it was longer. That night was like a kiss of death. I went home sore, took the longest bath of my life, touched the places she touched, and thought about you...”
Images played out in my head of her in the tub, thinking, touching herself. I shook my head to try and come back to now.
“When you kissed me I wanted more but I had no idea how much more. I thought about all the ways it could be. If you didn’t have real feelings for me and if you did. I was afraid to touch my lips.”
“I was so broken that day,” she said. “I’d been missing you already. I felt rejected by you. And then you were there. You’d taken my hand and you kept touching me. You sat so close. I’d already had that night with Nat where I thought about you when…” She stopped because it wasn’t necessary to say it again. “And you were all around me. I was falling apart. I already felt you inside.”
“I wanted to be close to you but I didn’t know how to say it. So, I just did it. I’m sorry it took me awhile to see the truth. I guess I wasn’t ready to believe in the possibility of real love.”
“You should be sorry.” she smiled. “You had no idea what you were doing to me. How much I felt you and wanted to feel. What you did to me emotionally and physically. The first time you sat next to me in my car you drove me insane.” My proposal was probably affecting her. She was thinking back on it all.
“I had no idea. You seemed fine. I guess I probably would realize now that I know you better. Did you have an idea what I was thinking?”
“You wanted to leave. I made you uncomfortable.”
“Not in the way you think.” I knew at the time that there was something different about the way Olivia and I interacted. It was dangerous. “I don’t like feeling exposed. You’ve always made me feel open.”
“All I know is I loved being with you that day and every time it seemed like you were having a good time you would remember who you were with and make a comment about needing to rush away. I felt hopeless after that. I was so excited to just be with you but you couldn’t stay with me. You hurried away.”
“Yes, I did because I felt something that I didn’t understand and the unknown is scary. The more I was with you, the more I became myself. I forgot that I shouldn’t be happy. At least that’s how I thought at the time.”
“I know that now,” she said. “I couldn’t know it then.”
“No, you couldn’t. I didn’t even understand. Sometimes waking up hurts Olivia. I’m still waking up in some ways. Parts of me aren’t used to the light. It might take me awhile to be able to handle being really happy.”
I settled onto the bed, half on her, resting against her body and memorizing the feel. That’s what my freak outs were about. When I started to feel too comfortable- or too right- my brain told me to look for the darkness. Be ready for it to end. The more we went on, the less I would worry.
“We can sleep more,” she smiled. “I like sleeping A LOT,” she flared her eyes. “Really sucks that you hate waking up… Waking up with you is my favorite part of the day.”
“You’re a dork,” I looked down on her and widened my eyes. “I try to be all cool and metaphorical and you talk about taking naps,” I chided.
“I love naps,” she sighed, shutting her eyes and pretending to sleep.
I leaned on one arm and tickled her side with my other hand. She laughed and stilled me. “Don’t even try to pretend that you can sleep right now.”
“Unlike someone, I can always sleep,” she challenged.
“If you go to sleep now what am I supposed to do besides stare at you while you’re making those little adorable sleep noises?”
I had questions. I would always have questions but playing with her was so fun. I let them lie for a moment so that we could have a moment of lightness.
“You could whisper sweet things in my ear and try to control my dreams,” she suggested lovingly. “What would you like me to dream about?” She asked.
I pretended to consider. “Puppies. Little fluffy ones with floppy ears,” I rolled my eyes.
“Awww,” she laughed pitifully. “That’s really sweet.”
“I’m sweeter than puppies. You should dream about me in a cheerleading uniform.”
“See,” she said, pulling me down to kiss her and then forcing me to lie down. “That’s more along the lines of what I was thinking,” she whispered sweetly into my ear.
�
��What would you do when you woke up from that dream?”
“Ache,” she said honestly, kissing my forehead. “Stare at you more and drive you mad. Think about it all day. Not tell you. Not let you know. And then later on when you touched me and I came I’d think about that deliciously and have my Avery secrets.”
“That sounds like me. Denying yourself the release until the end and then enjoying the thought all day. So, you’ll never tell me when you dream about me?” I stopped, mouth wide. “Wait, have you had a dream about me?”
I remembered her celebrity dreams and the random people she had told me about inhabiting her head while she slept before.
“A dream?” Her eyebrow cocked.
“So, you’ve had more than one.” I got close to her, inches away from her lips. “Tell me about them.”
“But, my secrets?” She bit her bottom lip and searched my face.
“Okay,” she said, touching my chest. “I had this one,” she shut her eyes and thought back. I felt her hands moving on my body as she felt me and hummed. “It was that first night in the hotel. You remember that right?” She asked. “You frustrated me and you were talking a lot and I was trying to be good and be still?”
“Yes,” I said, finding one word answers easier when she was touching me so possessively.
“I thought once I’d get to sleep I’d be able to rest and cool down but I didn’t really have much luck,” she confessed. “For whatever reason I went back to that other night after the lake... You and I by the fire.” She pulled me close and breathed me in, running her hands up into my hair and tugging just a bit while she wrapped her legs around me. “In my dream you started kissing me that night…” Her breathing was starting to change. “I was so thirsty for you. When I woke up I wanted to feel that fire but I felt wrong in so many ways. I had to make myself get away from you,” she paused trying to calm herself. She still had her eyes closed. “That was just one dream… One really good dream,” she squeezed her eyes even tighter. “There’s a reason I love to sleep.”
“BUT if you’re awake you can have the real thing,” I groaned. I wished she would pull at my hair again but we wouldn’t be talking much if she did.
“I like all the things,” she said, opening her eyes and pulling my head back so she could see me. “Have you ever dreamt about me?” She asked.
“Maybe,” I teased.
“Not fair,” she warned hungrily. We could play with each other in better ways, ways like this.
“Do you want me to show you what happened in the dream?”
“I dunno,” she said nervously. “Depends on what happened. Have you only had one?”
“Well, first you touched me like this.” I took her hand and placed it on my cheek, moving so that our bodies were flush against one another. “Then you kissed me.” I leaned in, kissed her and pulled away. “And then I did this.”
She moaned and rose off the bed in places as I slid my hand down her stomach and over her thighs. She was ready for me. She always was. It was still a surprise how quickly we could switch gears. Talk about something deep and dark - then flirt one minute- then switch it up and start to fuck.
We were always moving toward each other in some way. Even when I was running away I couldn’t make myself go too far. I didn’t want the tether between us to ever snap. She was right about the future being uncertain but I didn’t want to think about things that could harm us or pull us apart. We were strong. If we were vigilant we could make it through anything, even a wedding, I’m sure her mother would want to help plan.
Chapter Ten
Olivia
Tuesday again.
Last week, around this time, Avery and I were just realizing what we were to each other. The week before that, I knew I was in love but she had no clue I even wanted to be her friend and that killed me.
Today, just like those other Tuesdays, I woke up with the nagging feeling that things were just not as great as they could be.
I’d set my alarm for 7am. We’d slept in the guest house. It was our first night in our space.
Avery tried to decorate but she kept getting distracted by me and I wasn’t helping with the way I was completely not into the new space at all and full-on devoted to watching Youtube covers of Hamilton songs on the big screen instead of helping since I’d spent so much time lately doing all these things I didn’t usually do like pining and stressing-out non-stop and crying too much. I just needed to zone-out.
Naturally, my disinterest got on Avery’s nerves. She hates when I’m all calm when she’s all dedicated and motivated and has some goal that I should care about. She attacked me a few times.
As a compromise, I suggested we swim. That tuckered her out enough. We slept early and both tried our best not to stress.
7am though was a particular beast. We were definitely slow to get up and get moving.
The meeting wasn’t until 10.
My mom brought dinner home last night and she tried to calm us and guarantee that the meeting wouldn’t be bad.
My dad was even there. He wasn’t super strange but I could tell he wasn’t too comfortable with any affection Avery and I seemed to show. I tried to hold back with her, cut him slack, but then I noticed a certain expression he didn’t mean to have and it pissed me off so much that I just decided to completely ignore him for the rest of the night.
Getting ready was hard. Everything felt wrong. What exactly are you supposed to wear to a meeting like this? I thought of all the messed up things I’d read about the media and cases like this where the girl is meant to feel responsible no matter what the hell happened or what the heck the guy did.
Not that I really thought it would happen that way but you can’t really live in the United States without knowing that the Justice System here is just as thoroughly cracked as the Liberty Bell. And you don’t have to be a judge’s kid to think that either. It’s pretty much been that way here since the Nina and the Pinta and the Santa Maria. All the history books are filled with lies and everyone my age has known that longer than it’s usually normal to know. We’re the first generation to actually grow up with easy access to swift-click Wikipedia during our entire adolescence. It’s been a mindfuck to both us and the elders, basically.
“I’m going with this,” I said. I decided on the plainest black dress I could possibly find and threw a white blazer on over it to cover my bare shoulders. If I had any advice for Avery it would be to go virgin over vamp, just incase. Not that she often chose either but she easily could if she wanted to.
Thinking about it made me wonder if I should go VAMP since I wasn’t the one Ben fucked. Would a technique like that work? I could easily play distraction if it would help.
I should ask my mom about this but right now I don’t want to leave Avery alone.
I shrugged.
Probably wasn’t wise anyway. Simple was good.
Normal was good.
But I wasn’t the one on trial and I really did want to help.
I wasn’t the one who needed to be listened to and thought of as respectable and upstanding.
“I don’t even know what I should wear. Do I try to look a certain way or no? This is dumb. I’m just going to wear what I would to school any other day of the week.”
She grabbed some light pants, a modest top, and pulled a loose patterned cardigan sweater out of a bag. “At least I’ll be comfortable in one way.”
Her shoes were still in the process of being sorted through so she rummaged through the tub of them and pulled out a pair of brown boots. I watched on, interested. I hadn’t had many days to pine after her at school. Imagining running into her today wearing what she chose made me smile.
When she was dressed she turned to me, trying to tame her hair, pulling it back at the base of her neck. “What do you think? Is this appropriate for spilling stories about your sex life?”
I walked forward and took her face softly in my hands and kissed her. My adoration of her could only grow apparently, and it seemed t
o do that every instant.
Once I settled enough to stop I rest my forehead on hers and just breathed. “I’m so glad we got your clothes back,” I said. “You look so cute, I wanna eat you up.”
She smelled more like her house in her clothes and I missed that.
Her lips twitched and she put her hands on top of mine. “That would be so much better than this. Your clothes are nice but I feel like I’m playing dress-up when I get in your fancy threads,” she teased.
“Way to make me feel stuffy,” I said. Playing dress-up was the whole point of having clothes. In fact, the term was preposterous. What was the difference between getting dressed and getting dressed up?
I couldn’t think of it now. She’d upset me.
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