“That sucked,” I said.
She was just standing there, with her arms around herself. I had no idea what else to say. Right now, I was just tired and ready to be done with this. She didn’t look at me and she didn’t speak. She just sighed and dropped her arms, turning away from me and starting to walk.
“Where are you going?”
I looked after her and then followed, easily catching up. I took her arm and pulled her to the side of the hall. “Talk to me,” I growled.
She was disappointed in me. I’d been afraid again and I let it silence me.
I felt her trying to breathe but having a hard time. She wouldn’t look up at me. She just clutched my arms in return and she started to cry. After a second she gasped and looked up. “I just feel like he’s still here,” she said, scaring me.
“Here? In this building?” I stopped to look around. I should be the one falling apart right now but she was instead. It actually helped me be calm. “He’s gone. He’s not coming back.”
“I just,” she gasped. “I need to check,” she said, pulling away from me and trying to be strong.
She was walking fast now toward the media center, climbing the stairs. She was heading to his room. She needed to see. I rushed after her. We’d met there before, he and I, but she needed to see that he wasn’t here. I’d follow her anywhere.
She threw open the door. The place was empty. Not a soul inside but the lights were on. They must have sent the journalism and communications students to the library for study hall instead of finding a sub.
“What do you need to see?” I asked. There was the desk where he’d sat, the storage room and the dark room off to the back. I watched her go to each space and look inside before turning to face the desk.
“Nothing,” she realized suddenly after seeing the desk. “Nothing,” she gasped. I watched her push back on the wall and slide down it slowly. Realization must’ve dawn on her all of a sudden. She gathered her knees up- hugged them to her- and wept.
I went to the wall and slid down next to her, reaching out to draw her in. With a heavy sigh I realized that this place would never be the same.
“I’m so stupid,” she cried, tears coming harder.
“No, you’re not. Why do you even say that?” I asked.
“I couldn’t stop thinking that they did nothing and he was here.”
“You mean, you thought they hadn’t suspended him? That they lied and he was still teaching?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she cried. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she was repeating herself.
“Okay.” I stared at the door. She cried in my shirt and I just blanked. I didn’t know what to do or what to say.
“I’m sorry,” she said, after some time. “You probably hate me. That was bullshit. I was wrong.”
“I couldn’t hate you and I wished you hadn’t done that but it’s done and I guess they should know how bad it was. Maybe it’ll help.”
“I’m so stupid. I thought it would help. Make it easy for you. I’m so dumb.”
“They’ve got the journal and it’s over. Can we just move on?” I didn’t want her to blame herself but I was still pissed. I knew why she did it but I wasn’t ready to be okay with it yet.
“Please don’t hate me,” she begged. “You were really mad. I was going to leave but I knew that’d be even worse so I made myself stay.”
“Olivia, look at me.” I waited for her to obey and when she did I just kissed her. “I love you, you idiot. And it’s okay or it will be. Stop beating the shit out of yourself. That hurts both of us.”
I felt her shifting to fall into me more. Her limbs wrapping around me for comfort. “I’m really sorry,” she cried, her voice falling into a whisper. “I shouldn’t have come. I knew I’d hurt you. I always hurt you.”
“No, you don’t,” I hugged her back, pressing my face into her hair. “I needed you there. Obviously. I would have chickened out otherwise.”
“It wasn’t my choice to make,” she said painfully. “I keep stealing your choices. Stealing your voice. I’m just like him. I keep thinking it.”
“What the hell? Take that back. That’s not true and you should know that.”
I was mad again. To compare herself to Ben did hurt. It made me a little crazy.
“He fucking raped and hurt me physically in a way that I feel like I’m never going to get over fully but you giving them my journal was nothing. That was you trying to get justice.”
She didn’t say anything. She was just crying. She wouldn’t stop.
“Don’t let him win,” I said. “He almost did when I didn’t say anything.”
I was sick. With myself. With my lack of courage. A lot of people never told their stories like this. Those people in that room, our parents aside heard things like this every day but so many times they couldn’t do anything about it because no one would step up or the evidence was weak. Here, we could stop him for real. I forgot that in the panic of the moment in that meeting.
“We have to just go on and be okay. I forgive you. Okay? Will that help?”
If saying it would make her stop crying I would say it again and again.
“It helps,” she said. “But it’s not true and I know…” She said sadly. “We’ll be okay but we’re not now. And that’s my fault. I know it is.”
“No, it’s not! It’s his fault. This whole fucking thing is his fault. He needs to go to prison. You were right and it is true. I forgive you for giving them my journal. They needed to know.”
I actually meant it. My anger over Ben overtook anything I could feel like that about what she had done.
“Nobody needed to know,” she said. “It should’ve been your choice.”
“Maybe but I’m glad. I’m glad you did it. It was a shitty thing to do but you had a good reason and I happen to agree with the reason. In the moment, no. I felt betrayed. But right now I need you to understand that it’s okay. We’re okay.”
“The road to hell…” She mumbled.
“I always knew I was going to hell and at least I have good company now.”
I snorted and held her even closer.
“Baby, don’t say that,” she was coming back to Earth, I could tell. There was only so long a person could freak out and cry before becoming exhausted.
“Well, according to a lot of people, we are just by loving each other so I’ll happily go if that’s the case. That’s where all the fun people will be anyhow.”
I nudged her cheek with my nose and tried to get her to crack a little smile.
“Oh right, because, we’re so fun,” she laughed miserably.
“I think we are. We just haven’t had the most fun things to deal with in the few weeks we’ve known each other.”
I sighed. “I’m shocked no one asked anything else about us being engaged. They all looked weirded out but no one even said anything.”
“God, my mom fucking loves you,” Olivia calmed at last, feeling relaxed in my arms.
“I guess it’s a genetic thing,” I chuckled and felt my own body relax with hers. “I just naturally know how to woo the Holbrook women.”
“Your mother thing is freaking me out,” she joked.
“Yeaaaah, I’m even starting to creep myself out. I should probably just not talk anymore.”
“Your voice makes me feel better,” she said.
“Oh! Good. Would you like me to read the dictionary to you now? I’ve been told I give good word.”
“You think thats funny but I actually would like that…” Olivia whispered.
I scoffed. “You’re crazy.” I knew she would though. She’d listen to me say almost anything just to hear me.
“I know,” she said softly, squeezing me tighter and sighing, entirely calm.
“At least we have that in common,” I said.
We had been here for awhile. I didn’t know how long they were going to talk but I didn’t want to freak out my dad and Liz.
“They might b
e looking for us,” I said.
“Sorry,” she said, pulling to move away and get up.
“Don’t be sorry. I’m rather fond of being close to you and I’d rather not talk to any more authority figures but I also find this classroom kind of creepy now.”
I got up and offered her my hand. She took it and I yanked her up. We walked out, hopefully for the last time, at least for me. I didn’t know if Olivia would come back here. She did have class but I knew she could get out of it if she wanted.
We walked back down the hall toward the room where the meeting had been. No one was out in the hall. Either they were still in there talking or we had somehow missed them.
I looked in through the little window in the door. “What the hell can they even still be talking about?” It was a dumb thing to say. Of course, they had a lot to discuss.
“There’s gonna be a hearing,” Olivia said. “They needed to prove there was violence. That he used force,” she sighed. “If you hadn’t proved that he would’ve just been slapped with a sex offender label and been told he couldn’t teach children any more. Your age gives him a bit of leeway in the state. If you had just said it’d been consensual-” She paused a second and then went on. “Not much would’ve come from all this.”
“So, I’m going to have to testify or something?”
“I dunno,” she exhaled. “Maybe… This was a big deal Avery. It wasn’t just about what Ben could do here. It was about what Ben could do anywhere else if he decided to just take off. Without a record- he could do it again to someone else. Who knows,” she sighed. “He may’ve done this before. This wasn’t his first school and he never really explained why he was living here. I knew a lot about him. There are shadows now. Obvious secrets. I see that.”
“Fuck,” I banged my fist on the wall. “You’re probably right. There could be someone else out there like me or even worse.”
I was suddenly very thankful for the timing of Olivia coming into my life. He could have done much worse. He may have, just to someone else.
“We have to get him.”
Maybe he would plead guilty and it wouldn’t go to a trial but I knew he wouldn’t. He was a bastard.
“I have to confess, I’ve been keeping something from you,” Olivia said.
I went cold. “What?” What else could possibly happen today?
“I want to talk to him. I think I need to.” She seemed shaky still but definitely sure. So that’s what it was about. She wasn’t just scared. She wanted to confront him.
“What can you even hope to get out of that?”
I didn’t want her going near him. He was a poison that infected me and I wouldn’t let her near that.
“We were friends, Avery. He was my friend.”
“What do you want from him? A confession? Some kind of explanation?”
“I wah-wanna know why,” she stammered. “I wanna know- why he did what he did. I need to know why.” She was scared to tell me. It was all over her face. But she was desperate too. Thirsty for impossible answers.
“He’s sick,” that’s why.
This wasn’t a good idea. I needed her to see that. I took her arm, got close. “If he hurt you I’d kill him.”
“He hurt you,” she said, eyes flickering as she stared into me. “He hurt you and I knew him and he did that, and he kept that from me, I don’t understand.”
“He probably doesn’t even understand.” I let go of her, trying to figure out how to stop this. “I can’t let you do this.”
“I would’ve done it already if we had ever been apart. I’m not the kind of person who can just go through life not knowing why. Not about this. It’ll haunt me. Just like not knowing haunted me. All the things I could think of him doing to you. All the different ways you could’ve hurt. He’s sick but I’m sick too. Humans are sick. We’re all broken.”
“You’re not like him, Olivia.” I choked on a bitter laugh and put my forehead to the wall.
I just stood there, not understanding why she needed this when the answers she would get wouldn’t satisfy her. It was obvious.
“What makes you think that anyone is going to agree to letting you see him?”
At least I knew her mom would side with me on this one. Hopefully, anyway.
“If they’re holding him I can visit. It wouldn’t be dangerous. We’d just talk,” she said defensively. “I don’t need to see him. Not physically. I just want to ask him why. I just want to know.” She paused a second, thinking but scared to say what was coming. “What if he was in love with you?” She asked nervously. “Men in love do crazy things. I can’t understand why we were so close,” I saw the struggle in her. “I didn’t make friends,” she gasped. “I didn’t have friends. Not even Natalie was my friend. I wouldn’t let her be. But I let Ben?!” The way she said his name, I saw it. It seemed to burn in her throat. “There’s something wrong with me,” she said angrily, pacing.
“You’re right,” she said. “It’s stupid. But it doesn’t make me feel any less normal having no idea why.”
“He’s good at manipulating people. That’s what he does. It’s how he gets through life.” I struggled to find more words.
“Don’t you see?! HE HAD NO REASON!” She yelled. “With you he got something. With me? What did he get?!”
“Yes he did….”
“Even monsters need friends, Olivia,” I whispered. “He couldn’t have you but he could still appreciate what he couldn’t have.” I looked away, blind to everything but the pictures in my head. “He didn’t love me. You don’t hurt people like that if you love them.”
“God, don’t you just wish,” she seemed exhausted. “Don’t you just wish we didn’t have this thing between us. It’s like he’ll always be there.”
“But he’ll fade. Everything does.”
I thought of Adam and how I couldn’t remember his voice or the way he looked when he laughed. I even had trouble remembering the date he died sometimes.
The bell rang and people began to flood outside, invading our space.
“Fucking hell,” Olivia sighed, turning to face the wall, wiping her eyes. She had a hand on her hip like she’d given herself a cramp just from thinking. “Every time I think I can be strong for you, I fuck it up,” she said bitterly, looking up at the popcorn pattern of the overhang and letting out a whistle of a breath.
I saw her look down at her ring and then laugh.
“Nice choice Lockhart,” she smiled over at me, killing me quick. It wasn’t the ring she was talking about, it was her.
“Baby,” I said, walking to her. “I chose you because I couldn’t imagine not being with you. You’re the best choice I’ve made.” I coughed. “I sound like a greeting card again.” I sighed, ignoring the people that were streaming by, looking at us with curiosity.
“Come here,” she said, pulling me in. She wrapped her arms around my neck and held me. I wrapped mine around her waist and felt as she squeezed me tight. “I’m dumb and I love you,” she said. “I made a lot of mistakes today. I just want to hold you again.”
“Mistakes come with being human,” I said and hugged her hard, desperate to feel her close. “I should know, I make a lot. You’re not one of them though. I need you to get that.”
“It’s hard to feel good enough Avery.” I could tell her eyes were shut by just the way she whispered my name. She was savoring the moment now. Savoring me. Holding on to what we knew we both had. Each other.
“Hey! I thought that was you two!” It was Skylar. I’d know that voice anywhere.
I turned, keeping Olivia close. I should have moved us to somewhere more private. “Hey, Skylar,” I answered.
She stopped, taking us in.
“What’s the matter?” She asked.
I took in a deep breath. “We’re just finishing up a meeting. It wasn’t a fun one.”
There was no way I was talking about this here. Not with a hundred students streaming around us.
“We’re just waiting for my
dad and Olivia’s mom to finish with the Principals and the Police,” I said, voice low.
“Oh,” she said, eyes wide. She understood why. She’d been one of the only people I’d told. “I was scared when you weren’t in on Monday. But he wasn’t in. I thought maybe he skipped town.”
“Do people know?” Olivia asked.
“Oh, no way,” Skylar said. “You kidding? Since the ski trip Sarah’s been telling everyone Ben’s been hooking up with Mrs. Chen. They’re oblivious.”
Paper Dolls [Book Three] Page 23
