“No, sweetheart, that’s not your role. Your mama has been avenged. All those poor unfortunate souls who perished have been avenged, or will be when their murderers are all caught. You cannot kill another human being without a part of you dying.”
“That’s not true.” Zoe shook her head. “I didn’t feel anything other than satisfaction when I killed the Germans during the war. I killed Reinhardt and never lost any sleep.”
“You didn’t have any nightmares over that, did you?” Tessa looked into Zoe’s eyes. “Not one night’s sleep did you miss because you couldn’t get his image out of your mind?”
Zoe looked away, but Tessa gently tipped her head up and met her gaze. “Reinhardt was not the only bastard I killed during the war. There were others who deserved it. I’m not sorry about that. Reinhardt was the special case. It was personal. He was going to take the one person who meant more to me than anyone else. Eva gave me a reason to live. He was taking her away from me and I wasn’t going to let him. They had murdered my mama, and I’ll be damned if they were going to kill Eva. Not if I had anything to say about it.”
“Every death affects you.”
“She was worth it. I would do it all over again. I have no regrets over that.”
“I didn’t say you had regrets. As a loving human being, you still had nightmares over killing those men. Butchers like Muller did not have nightmares. They were devoid of what makes us human—empathy.”
“You should have seen Eva…She was just so—”
“She was dead inside. What you saw was Eva just existing—a shell. She didn’t know how to deal with so much death. She didn’t know how to deal with her own broken soul. That’s why she looked cold and indifferent to you.”
“How do you come back from that? I don’t know, but she did.”
“She found a way to guard her heart and you saw it that day,” Tessa explained. “What was she wearing the day your mama died?”
“What was Eva wearing?”
“Yes. You have a photographic memory. You know exactly what everyone was doing and what they were wearing. You looked at her.”
Zoe stared at Tessa’s, astonished at her empathic ability. “Yes.”
“We both know what I’m talking about. It’s that cloak that keeps reminding you every time Eva wears it. I’ve seen your reaction to it every time Eva has worn in. You can’t hide your distaste for it, Zoe, but somehow you hide your feelings when Eva is with you. She wears it everywhere.”
“I detest that cloak.”
“Have you told her?” Tessa brushed the hair from Zoe’s eyes. “Have you told her how much it hurts you?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“She feels secure wearing it, like some sort of protection. She wears it when we go out back home as well. She doesn’t wear it in the house, but when we go out she does.”
“She doesn’t know what it’s doing to you. She doesn’t know that when she wears it, the most devastating moment in your life is being replayed.”
Zoe shook her head. “I don’t want to tell her.”
“Why? Do you think she won’t understand? Eva loves you so much.”
“I know she does, but she’s got enough to deal with without me adding to it.”
“That, sweetheart, is not giving Eva a chance to prove to you how much she loves you. You are not adding to her pain. You are giving her the ability to remove something from that horrible memory. She has the ability to change this and you are denying her that chance.”
“Every time I see her in that cloak, I see her face on that day. She looked so heartless in that thing. Henry, her guard, held an umbrella over her, and the look in her eyes…those eyes were just dead.”
“You remember that so clearly, don’t you?”
“Yes. I was so scared of what was to come, but my attention gravitated to her. I kept wondering why the cripple was there. She wasn’t in uniform, wasn’t SS, or Gestapo. She wasn’t anything but a woman in the rain.”
“You have to tell her. You can’t continue to hide this from her.”
“I don’t want to hurt her.”
“You are hurting yourself as well as her. Do you think she doesn’t think about that day almost as much as you do? Have you spoken about that day?”
“No, not really.”
“I think it’s time.”
Zoe went to stand up, but Tessa grasped her arm. “I want to go to her.”
“No, she will come here.”
“But—”
Tessa closed her eyes for a moment, and then looked at Zoe with a heart-warming smile. “Eva will come here soon.”
Chapter Seventeen
Eva looked out at the once blood-soaked field and shivered at the very clear memory that surfaced in her mind. She closed her eyes and swallowed as she recalled the faces of the villagers, all huddled together in the rain.
She could still hear the awful sloshing noise her boots made as she traipsed through the mud as she followed her stepfather through the field. She tried not to look at the villagers’ faces. She couldn’t cope with knowing they were soon to die and reappear in her nightmares. She kept her eyes down.
She was wet and cold. The rain sleeted sideways and hit her in the face. She shivered uncontrollably as the cold penetrated into her bones. Henry, her most trusted guard, had an umbrella over her, but it was useless.
Eva closed her eyes and the happy sound of the wedding guests faded into the background.
Muller screamed orders. He was enjoying the terror he was inflicting; she could hear it in his voice.
Eva opened her eyes and focused on the first villager that stared back at her. Green eyes met hers. Defiance stared back at her, daring her to do something, but she held back. She tried to not to look at the green-eyed girl. She tried to look away, but she couldn’t. The young girl’s hatred was palpable. They both jumped when a shot rang out and the woman beside the girl slumped to the ground.
Eva looked away, unable to watch the heart-rending scene before her. She gazed out into the horizon and watched the rain come pelting down—anything but the ugliness before her.
A firecracker went off nearby, causing Eva to gasp in shock. She put her hand on her heart and wasn’t surprised to find it beating so fast she could actually hear it. She looked at her shaking hands. She drove her cane into the ground to steady herself.
“Breathe.” Stella came up behind Eva and put her arm around her waist. “Breathe in, breathe out.”
Eva swallowed and took a deep, shuddering breath. Her head dropped to her chest as she tried to calm her racing heart.
“That’s it, just breathe.” Stella’s voice was soothing. “Let’s get out of the rain.” She took Eva’s hand and led her to a vacant taverna table, away from the crowds that were milling about.
Stella poured some water from the water decanter that was at the table. Eva took the glass in both hands and lifted the shaking glass to her lips.
“I fall apart every time you see me,” Eva said with a slight tremor in her voice.
“Not every time.” Stella tenderly cupped Eva’s cheek. “You have been through a lot of trauma. I would expect you to have memory triggers. That’s what we doctors call shell shock.”
“I hate this, Stella. Please, help me.”
“I know you hate this, but you will get through it. It’s going to take some time, but you will.”
“I want to go to Zoe.” Eva tried to stand up, winced, and sat back down. “I need to go and see Zoe. I know she is remembering this. I hate this town.”
“You will, but take a few minutes to calm down.” Stella put her hand over Eva’s larger hand. “Tell me what you were seeing in your mind.”
Eva took a deep breath. “It was cold and wet and I was trying so hard not to look at their faces. I was in so much pain because I hadn’t taken my pain medication. I could barely stand up because of it, but he wanted me there. Wanted me to see his brutality.”
“Knowing that you were i
n pain, Muller had you go out in the field with him?”
“Yes. I angered him because I wasn’t taking my medication, and by the time we got to the field, his rage took over. It was my fault,” Eva said, giving voice to the guilt she had held within her heart since that fateful day.
“You think because you angered him…you think he shot them because of you?”
Eva looked into Stella’s dark eyes and nodded. “I shouldn’t have disobeyed him.”
“What would you have done differently?”
“Listened to him, taken my medication. Behaved like I was supposed to. I resisted him every chance I got,” Eva replied. “I don’t know.”
“Was Muller a man who didn’t anger easily?” Stella gently probed.
“No. It didn’t take much for him to explode.”
“So if you had listened to him, do you think you would have prevented him from getting mad?”
“Maybe.”
“Why were the villagers at the field?”
“The Resistance had blown up the train tracks and he lost some officers that had come up from Athens. Some that he knew personally.” Eva stared at the glass of water.
“The Germans usually exacted retribution for any Resistance activity. Was this their retribution?”
Eva nodded and swallowed when another firecracker went off in the distance.
“That dreadful day the Germans were retaliating for the Resistance bombing. If you had listened to your stepfather, had obeyed his every word, would it have stopped him from pulling the trigger and murdering Zoe’s mother and all those other villagers?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so brutal with them. He was enraged that I didn’t listen to him, and together with the train bombing…”
“How was it your fault that Muller murdered Zoe’s mother? It couldn’t be. Whether you had angered him or not, the outcome would still have been the same. Their lives were forfeit the moment the Resistance bombed the train tracks.”
Eva closed her eyes and shook her head. “What if—”
“There isn’t any ‘what if,’ Eva,” Stella said gently. “You didn’t do anything to make him kill or to be more vicious.” She covered Eva’s hands and gently squeezed them.
“I didn’t act.”
“If you had acted to save their lives, what would have happened to yours?”
“They wouldn’t have killed me. I was his daughter.”
Stella shook her head. “Darling, you had just survived being beaten by him, had survived being tortured in Aiden. What makes you think Muller wouldn’t have killed you where you stood?”
“Because he didn’t kill me when he had the chance after my mother was killed.” Eva’s voice wavered and she closed her eyes. “He could have done it then, but he didn’t.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Stella brought her chair forward and tenderly kissed Eva on the cheek. “He would have killed you. There was nothing you could do. You couldn’t have done anything to save those villagers. It was out of your control.”
“It was so senseless.”
“Death doesn’t make any sense. You didn’t commit any crime by your inaction. You could not have saved their lives. You saved your life by not doing anything.”
“That’s reassuring,” Eva said bitterly. “I save my own life but watch as others are butchered.”
“Have you been feeling guilty all these years because you lived?”
“I didn’t do anything when a rabbi was being beaten and his synagogue was being burnt to the ground during Kristallnacht, and I didn’t do anything when the villagers were being killed. I just didn’t do anything,” Eva confessed as she played with the gold cross around her neck.
“You didn’t do anything to save anyone, is that right?”
Eva nodded and looked up to meet Stella’s eyes. “I did nothing.”
“Was it some other Eva Muller who forged her stepfather’s signature on identity papers? Was it some other Eva Muller who risked her life to help people she didn’t even know?”
“No.”
“Where did that Eva come from? Did she materialize out of thin air? Were you transported to another time, another place, and this Eva took your place?” Stella put her hands on either side of Eva’s chair and gazed into her eyes.
“No, that was me.”
“That’s right. You have always been there. Aiden almost destroyed you, but you fought back. You fought back against your stepfather here in Larissa. I would say that was doing something.”
“Yes.”
“So tell me about this.” Stella touched Eva’s cloak. “I see you like wearing cloaks. You’ve got them in different colors.”
“Yes, I like wearing them.” Eva felt relieved that Stella had eased up on probing her memories.
“Hm. Does Zoe own one? I haven’t seen her wearing it.”
“No. She doesn’t wear them even when I bought her one. She doesn’t like it.”
“What makes you like them so much? I would find them so constricting.” Stella’s voice was even, a little conversational.
“I like the look of them.”
“I’m sure Zoe would look quite funny in a cloak with her height. You look a little intimidating in one.”
“I do?” Eva asked in puzzlement.
“Yes, you do. It’s not your fault, but with your height, it makes you look very intimidating. Why do you like it?”
Eva blinked and furrowed her brow. “It makes me feel secure,” she said quietly.
“It covers you and you can hide.”
Eva bowed her head and nodded. “I’m tall enough as it is.”
“So you disappear as if you were wearing Hades’ invisibility helmet.”
Eva nodded. “That would be handy.”
“Yes, it would for a tall girl like you. You don’t want people to look at you. You don’t want them to see you.”
“It’s a bit hard not to see me.”
“Right. So you wear this cloak thinking no one can see you.”
“I know they can,” Eva reasoned. “I’m not silly enough to believe they can’t.”
“No, you are not silly. You are a very intelligent woman, but you choose to hide behind that cloak.”
“It’s not hurting anyone.”
Stella took Eva’s hand. “How do you know it’s not hurting anyone?”
Eva stared blankly at Stella for a moment and then shrugged. “How can it? It’s not hurting anyone. It’s just a cloak. It’s not a gun.”
“Let’s go back to that day you were in the field.”
“Do I have to?” Eva asked, her voice trembling. She rocked the cane between her hands.
Stella stopped the cane with her hand. “Yes. Can you do that for me?”
“Yes.”
“Good, now close your eyes and breathe deeply.” Stella gentled her voice. “Now, describe to me what you were doing.”
“I was trying not to see the villagers’ faces,” Eva replied in an almost whisper.
“But you did see their faces. You tried not to focus on them?”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t want to see their faces because they would haunt your dreams.”
“Yes.”
“Whose face did you focus on?”
“Zoe’s.” Eva opened her eyes and looked down at the silver ring on her finger. “I stared at her. Something made me stare at her.”
“Why were you looking at Zoe?”
“I don’t know. There was something about Zoe. Maybe because she was staring back at me, daring me to do something.”
“She was daring you to do something?” Stella said. “What could you have done?”
“I don’t know, but she was looking at me, expecting something.”
“What was Zoe wearing?”
Eva blinked at Stella, puzzled. “Huh? Why?”
“Eva, just close your eyes.” Stella put her hand on Eva’s shoulder and gently squeezed. “Tell me what Zoe was wearing.”
Eva sighe
d and did as she was asked. “Um… A green blouse with a dark green skirt.”
“You remember what she was wearing. Your favorite color.”
“Yes. It was forest green, like her eyes.”
“With everything going on around you, you remember what Zoe was wearing.”
“Yes. I don’t know why I remember that.”
“What were you wearing?”
“Um…I don’t know. What I normally wore. A black skirt, a white shirt, and my cloak.”
“Close your eyes. If you were Zoe looking back at you, what would Zoe see?”
Eva thought for a few seconds and opened her eyes. “My black cloak.”
“Could Zoe see anything else apart from that cloak when she looked at you?”
“My face and my eyes. Everything else was covered,” Eva whispered.
“That would be quite intimidating for her. There’s this tall German woman watching the massacre of her countrymen and just staring at her.”
Eva nodded, not trusting her voice. She bowed her head and shook it slightly.
“What do you think Zoe thinks about when she sees you wearing that cloak?”
A shock realization dawned on Eva as she closed her eyes.
“To you it’s your invisibility helmet. To Zoe…what do you think it is?”
“A reminder of that day.” Eva swallowed. “She has never said anything, not even when I bought her one in deep green.”
“What did you want her to say? She must know why you wear that cloak, doesn’t she?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve told her, haven’t you?”
“Yes.”
“She knows it’s important to you and that’s why she doesn’t say anything. What would you want to do, knowing Zoe can’t bear to look at that garment?”
“Never wear it again,” Eva said resolutely. “I just didn’t think.” She unclipped the cloak from around her neck, shucked out of it, and dropped it onto the seat next to her.
“That’s alright. It’s not as if you knew and wore it anyway.” Stella cupped Eva’s cheek. “You have a kind heart. I know you wouldn’t want to hurt Zoe by doing something that would cause her pain. I want you to remember something for me.”
“What’s that?”
“Sometimes telling someone how you feel doesn’t make you weak,” Stella said. “I used to think like that. I thought I could handle my Timothy’s death, but I couldn’t. I had to rely on someone else to guide me through. You have to learn to trust yourself and trust those who love you to find your way.”
Awakenings (Intertwined Souls Series Book 4) Page 14
