Mark flexed his impressive biceps and smoothed a handful of dark oil over his chest. “It suits her. It should be her stage name.”
Diamond. Hmm. It had a nice ring to it. “I like it.”
Jase shot me a quick look. “So you’re actually considering it?”
Mark set down the oil bottle. “What’s to consider? She’s perfect.”
“She’s never acted before,” Jase explained. His jaw tightened with something. Frustration, maybe.
Mark chuckled. “We all have our first time. Dude, stop coming up with excuses.”
Jase glanced at me. “I don’t think she can handle the pressure.”
My heart took a nosedive. Although I knew he only protested out of concern for me, I wanted to prove myself. “I’m a quick learner. I can do it.”
A muscle ticked in Jase’s cheek. “It’s porn, Cara. You do realize strange men will stick their dicks inside you?”
Mark held up a hand. “Excuse me. Am I strange?”
“Seriously?” Jase looked as if the last thing he wanted to consider was me having sex with Mark. “She’s like a little sister.”
“Not so little anymore.” Mark directed a definite leer toward my boobs.
I smiled at Mark, but Jase stepped between us. “She hasn’t decided yet.”
“Looks like she has,” Mark argued. “Haven’t you, Diamond?”
I opened my mouth, but Jase spoke first. “The role hasn’t been offered to her.”
“Then do it,” Mark urged. “She’ll sell, man. You know she will.”
Jase shook his head. “Not everything is about money.”
“It is when you don’t have it.” Mark took the words right out of my mouth. “Don’t be a pussy. She’s completely right for the role.”
Jase shoved a hand through his curls and tugged. “You don’t understand.” He jabbed a finger in my direction. “I’ve known her my entire life. How am I supposed to watch her getting fucked?”
“Simple solution. Don’t watch. Let your assistants do the filming. You don’t have to oversee every tiny detail.”
I swung my attention from Mark to Jase. “Oversee?”
Jase ignored me. “I’ll still know it’s her. I can’t let anyone else handle the promotion and advertising.”
I glanced back at Mark. “What did you mean oversee?”
Mark adjusted the hem of his tight boxer shorts, lowering them until the faintest line of hair appeared below his navel. “Come on, Dagger. Stop being a dick and admit she’s perfect.”
Dagger.
The revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I gasped for air and turned back to Jase. “You don’t just work for a porn company. You own it?”
Jase’s grip was bruising as he towed me out of the green room, past the line of wannabe porn starlets, and onto the elevator. Once the metal doors closed, I rounded on him. “You fucking liar!”
He leaned against the handrail. “I never lied to you. Not once.”
“You own a porn company! Don’t you think that’s something you should’ve told me?” I shook my head, too many questions filled my mind for me to form a coherent thought. “Isn’t porn illegal in Alabama?”
“Which is why we film the sex scenes elsewhere and distribute in other states.” He pressed the button for the first floor. “Why did you come here, Cara?”
“I didn’t realize it was porn at first.” My experience with Tom should’ve made me run for the nearest door, but I needed this. Needed to separate a horrible event from something I had control over. “But I need the money.”
It was true. I did. But did my messed-up psyche want to prove I could be sexy, be the sort of woman who could turn him on? Turn Mark on?
“No, you don’t.” His eyes sparked like flaming embers as he turned to me. “Anything you want, you just have to ask. You don’t have to sell your body.”
“I don’t want to be beholden to you.”
He growled with frustration. “Any help I give you is freely offered. I’m not looking for payback. I don’t want you to owe me. If you’re in trouble, I’ll help you.” He stepped close and lowered his voice. “Just ask me. I’ll do whatever you need.”
The elevator doors opened and interrupted whatever I’d been about to say. Jase cursed and took my hand, leading me past the small groups of people scattered in the lobby and near the plain door.
Once outside, he dug in his pocket and withdrew a key ring. “Here’s the key to my Hummer. Go fetch your things and use the GPS system to reach my apartment. Fix yourself lunch. I’ll come home as soon as I can. We’ll talk then.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?” I looked him straight in the eye and dared him to admit the truth.
He shoved his hands through his curls, a familiar gesture of frustration. “Cara, you threw me for a loop today. I’m not thinking straight right now. Please can we discuss this later?”
I wanted to argue, but Jase looked close to the end of his rope. The room I’d rented the night before had taken a big chunk of my savings. It wouldn’t hurt to spend the day at Jase’s apartment. I’d eat, refuel, and decide what to do next.
I wrapped my fingers around the keys and closed my fist. Jase continued to hold the keys, his fingers tight around mine. “Don’t leave before I get there. Promise me.”
I glanced away. Guilty as charged. “I won’t.”
He eyed me as if he wasn’t sure he believed me. Well, that made two of us.
I pulled my hand away, still clutching his keys. “We’ll talk when you get home.”
Chapter Five
Jase’s apartment was located on the top floor of a mellowed brick building containing an athletic center, indoor swimming pool, and fabulous courtyard. The space was modest by most penthouse standards, but filled with state of the art electronics and expensive furnishings. I’d felt like a pauper the handful of times I’d stepped inside.
I changed into a comfortable pair of shorts and after devouring a ham sandwich and grease-laden chips, I tried to calm my nerves with mindless television. It took an inordinate amount of time to figure out the remote, so I settled on watching football replays. My mind drifted as I snuggled under a warm afghan I snitched from his hall closet.
What was I going to do? Was I really going to sell my body to earn money?
I thought of Mark. He seemed sweet, in an off-hand way. Obviously a charmer. I liked him, but could I lose my virginity to him on camera with the whole world watching?
Knowing Jase was watching?
Shit, I’d never had sex. Should I say something or spring it on them?
Questions bombarded me, making me antsy when all I wanted to do was relax. The familiar urge returned, and I envisioned the fancy shaving kit I’d noticed in Jase’s bathroom, imagined the blade slicing into my skin, pictured the blood flowing.
I battled the urge away, steeling myself to not give in.
I stretched out on the leather couch and pulled the blanket over my head. Too keyed for sleep, but the dulling of senses helped. I focused on breathing, inhaling and exhaling the way the case worker taught me in the days following my parents’ deaths.
It grew warm beneath the blanket, but I stayed inside the tiny haven I’d created and studied the patterns the light filtering through the colorful threads made on my skin.
For the first time in two months, I was comfortable being alone with my thoughts. There was no perverted uncle, no fake sympathizers. Just me. Maybe my newfound independence would heal me. Make me whole again.
I must’ve napped because the next thing I remember was waking to Jase. He pulled the afghan away from my head, and his concerned face came into focus as I blinked the sleep from my eyes. “What time is it?”
“Almost five.” He crouched on the floor and continued to watch me. “Are you hungry?”
I shook my head. “Not really.”
“Did you eat already?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, master. I did.”
He smiled, but it lacked the usual warmth. He tapped
out a nervous rhythm on the edge of the couch, right beside my hip. “We need to talk.”
I sat up and made room for him. “Yes, we do.”
He sat on the couch and his leg brushed mine. I shifted over, not sure why I needed space.
I rearranged the afghan to wrap around my hips and legs. The shorts I wore barely covered my thighs, and I didn’t want to risk him seeing any evidence of my cutting.
He picked up the remote and clicked off the television. He made it look ridiculously simple when I’d aimed it every sort of direction to make it work.
He tossed the remote aside and met my gaze. “Why’d you run away?”
I wanted to bury my head and hide from his all-knowing eyes. I toyed with the threads lining the edge of the blanket and lowered my head. “I couldn’t stay there anymore.”
“Why?”
I bit my lip and prayed I didn’t break down before him. Indecision warred with the need to confide in him, to release the demons I faced. But I wouldn’t. I’d burdened him enough. I couldn’t do it again.
Not yet.
“I’m eighteen. I don’t need a guardian.”
“No,” Jase agreed. “But you do need a home.”
Good point. One I’d considered for a long time that afternoon before falling asleep. “I’ll find a job. Get an apartment in the city.”
The hazel flecks of his eyes darkened. He put his arm on the back of couch, inches away from my shoulders, and close enough to brush the end of my ponytail. “What about school?”
“I’ll go to night school. Get my GED.” I’d never liked school anyway, so it wasn’t a hardship.
“Cara.” He heaved a sigh, disappointed with me most likely. “You can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep shutting people down who want to help you. Your uncle—”
I leaped to my feet, tossing aside the blanket and not caring if he saw my scars or the huge wedgie the short shorts had given me. “Don’t fucking talk about him. You know nothing!”
He appeared shocked by my outburst at first, but he narrowed his eyes and leaned forward. “What happened? No more fucking around. Something obviously happened, and I need you to tell me.”
“Nothing happened.” Not much had, but it would’ve. “I didn’t like the way he looked at me.”
Jase grew still. He didn’t even appear to breathe. “What do you mean?”
I tugged the hem of my shorts down and straightened the oversized T-shirt I wore. I’d revealed more than I’d meant to, so I backtracked, dropping a lie he’d accept. “Like he didn’t want me there.”
Jase visibly relaxed, but his gaze remained troubled. “You’d tell me if anything bad ever happened to you. Right?”
I hated knowing he suspected what happened. My poker face was shitty. “Sure. I said I would.”
Jase leaned back against the couch and motioned for me to sit. “So now you want to be a porn actress?”
I held my palms to my cheeks and blew out a stream of air. “Mark said it was easy money.”
“Sure it is,” Jase agreed. “If you’re okay with having sex on cue. Are you okay with it, Cara? Can you pretend to enjoy a guy fucking you on camera even if you don’t like it? Even if you’ve been at it for hours?”
How in the hell would I know? I’d never acted before, much less had sex. But I couldn’t tell Jase that. “I can try.”
“You want to star in one of my productions even though I’ll have to watch it? Are you prepared for that?”
I’d known he would eventually see my performance, so to speak, but I hated hearing the truth from him. “We’re friends, right? Friends help each other.”
“Jesus, Cara.” Jase mimicked my earlier reaction and huffed. “I’m not sure if I can do it. I’m not ready to see you like that.”
His words unintentionally sent a shaft of pain through me. I’d suspected he’d never see me as anything but a friend, but it hurt to know he couldn’t bear to watch me.
Wasn’t he the least bit as curious about me as I was about him?
“Enough questions about me. How about you tell me how you landed a production company?”
He patted the couch cushion, and I sat. His scent, sandalwood and mint, reminded me of happier times, when he would sit with me and watch football, arguing over who cheered for the better team.
His words were slow to come, but he spoke them with assurance, confident as always in his actions. “Before I dropped out of film school, I met a girl. She was cool, nothing like anyone I’d ever met.”
Instant jealousy moved through me. I’d envied him for leaving home and going to New York for film school.
He returned his arm to the back of the couch and casually touched my shoulder. “She got me a job with a big-time producer. I stayed on set for a couple months, soaking up everything I could. I formed a lot of contacts in the industry and developed ideas for a film of my own. I dropped out of school and returned here where there’s less competition for actors and actresses. With the inheritance my grandfather left me, I was able to start my own company. My first movie is now a nominee for the SKIN awards.”
“SKIN?” I echoed.
“Sex and Kink Awards. SKIN for short. The awards presentation is in February. It’ll be huge if I win. No first time production company has ever won the award in the thirty year history. It’s a prestigious award.”
“For a porno,” I pointed out.
His expression cooled, and he sent me a glance that showed his disappointment. “Yes. For a porno. It’s not the fucking Academy Awards, Cara, but it’s a really big deal for me.”
“I’m sorry.” And I was. Who was I to bash someone’s dream? I didn’t understand his career choice, but if I was serious about starring in a production, I needed to let my preconceived notions go. “I really am proud of you. You’ll win. I know you will.”
“Thanks,” he muttered.
“But...” My voice trailed off. No use denying the elephant in the room. The big, fat stinking truth that my best friend made money in skin flicks. “Why porn? Seriously, I never would’ve imagined you doing something like this. Your family is so…so—”
“Repressed?” he supplied with a wry grin.
“Don’t do that. Don’t pretend like it’s just a joke. This is serious, Jase.”
“More serious than you wanting to get fucked on camera?” His gaze grew dark. Ominous. “Because that’s what this is about, isn’t it? Don’t paint me with a tar brush, Cara. Not unless you’re ready to use the same brush on you. You know better than anyone else life isn’t rainbows. We all have our secrets. Mine is an obsession with sex.”
And there it was. The proof I’d searched for. Jase was a closet…hell, I didn’t know what to call him. Nympho? The descriptor didn’t compute. Not for me. Neither did the secret thrill I got from imagining Jase in scenarios fit for one of his productions. “So you have a thing for watching porn?”
He shook his head. I hated to disappoint him, but I didn’t get what he wanted me to understand.
He pinned me with a serious look. “I like sex, Cara. Women’s bodies. The beauty of the sounds they make. The pure, unfiltered enjoyment on their faces during really good sex.”
I had no clue what he meant, but I acted like I did. “But the women are actresses. They’re paid to act like they enjoy what’s happening to them.”
“They can’t enjoy coming to work?” A light laugh escaped him. “Look, we don’t have to figure this out right now. You’re here. Let’s celebrate.”
I gave him a real smile. “Popcorn and movies?”
“Popcorn and movies,” he agreed.
The resemblance to normal eased my fears, but didn’t complete erase my doubts.
Steam lifted around me in the shower, blanketing me with a fine mist of heat. The water beat down on my head, and a roar filled my ears, blanketing all my other senses.
With my eyes closed, I let the water wash away the stress of the last couple of days. If all days could be like this, where I could heal myself
and not rely on cutting or running away to solve my problems.
Jase had to work in the morning, so we’d stopped our movie marathon at midnight. He was in his room, probably doing the same thing I was. I tried not to imagine him in the shower, naked, his muscles drenched and soapy, but it was hard.
I shook my head, flinging water everywhere, and battled insane urges regarding Jase. Where had they come from? I’d known him forever, and I’d never had more than the passing curiosity about him, the normal interest most girl and guy friends experienced at some point.
No, that was a lie. There’d been times when he’d touched me, and I’d felt a secret thrill, but I’d convinced myself he’d never want me.
As if my thoughts had conjured him, Jase’s voice rang out. “If you really do this, we’ll have to do a makeover.”
“What?” I screeched in surprise to his sudden appearance in the bathroom. “Why are you in here?”
“Relax. I can’t see you.”
I studied the thick, dark glass of the shower and admitted he was right. I hadn’t locked the door, never considering I’d need to keep him out. It felt odd to have him mere feet away from me while I stood there completely naked.
I turned the taps down, lowering the pressure of the water to hear him better. “What do you mean by makeover?”
Jase’s voice was muffled as if he had something in his mouth. Why hadn’t he brushed his teeth in his own bathroom?
He spat before answering. “Do you want to risk being recognized?”
I paused with my hands wrapped around a bottle of shampoo. “What do you mean?”
Jase’s sigh was audible. “Your parents. I don’t want someone from Vestavia Hills to recognize you and cause trouble.”
Pain threatened to overtake me. I dropped the bottle and gripped the tiles in front of me, my fingers slipping until they found purchase on the damp wall. “You don’t want to be associated with a murderer’s daughter.”
“God damn it. No! That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
It was hard to think otherwise. The sidelong glances and the deliberate snubs from Jackie and her friends had destroyed my fragile self-confidence. I’d never been a strong person to begin with, but the headlines in the newspapers had ruined whatever strength I may have had. “What will I have to do?”
Coming Soon Page 4
