When you think of Walt Disney World, the first things that come to mind probably aren’t sex, drugs and rock and roll. In fact, Disney has gone to great lengths to remove any traces of the party lifestyle from the parks, be it by shutting down Pleasure Island, dress code restrictions for cast members (including limitations on makeup and jewelry), a ban of alcohol sales in The Magic Kingdom, and just generally catering towards G/PG kid-oriented entertainment. But if you know where to look, you just might find, you’ll get what you need….
SEX
Given that sex is one of those basic human needs, like food, shelter, and beer, if you’re an adult vacationing at WDW, chances are at some point you’re either going to have sex with your partner, or if you’re single, you’ll be looking for someone to hook up with. And we’re not talking about romance here; numerous books have already covered Disney romance in depth. No, we’re talking about good old-fashioned bumping and grinding in The Happiest Place on Earth.
So what carnal opportunities does Disney offer to those of us who see Snow White or Prince Charming (or for the Furries out there, Miriam from Robin Hood) as carnal objects of lust?
First, let’s focus on those who go to the land with a partner. Assuming you’re not too worn down by a day of commando park touring, there are plenty of wonderful places in and around the parks for some seriously awesome shagging.
At the Resorts:
This is a given, especially if you have a 1 or 2 bedroom at one of the DVC properties (hot tub!). The beds are super comfortable (you did check for bedbugs, right?) and while the walls are a bit thin and you might get some complaints if you’re knocking boots all hours of the night, the privacy factor is definitely a plus for the more conservative folks out there. Of course, you can still be a little daring in your room, since the deluxe resorts all have lovely balconies, perfect for a semi-public snog. Blowjob while watching the Illuminations fireworks? Multitasking at its finest! But come on, you can have sex in a hotel room anywhere in the world. You’re in Disney, live a little!
Elsewhere at the resort hotels:
Most of the deluxe resorts have plenty of secluded spots, from the beaches of The Grand Floridian and the Yacht and Beach Club to wooded alcoves at The Wilderness Lodge and Treehouse Villas, but The Polynesian takes the cake. With tropical plants, waterfalls, and a cool breeze coming off of Bay Lake, the Polynesian might be the biggest man-made aphrodisiac ever created. There are literally dozens of beautiful secluded spots here, be it on the beach or in the midst of some greenery. If this place can’t get your blood pumping you’re probably dead. This author has brought numerous dates there, and sitting on a swing at the beach, watching the fireworks and the Electric Light Parade has always managed to seal the deal.
Great place to watch the Wishes fireworks… while having sex
Prime Polynesian spot for nighttime sex
Another popular spot for public fornication at the resorts seems to be the hot tubs at the pools. Personally, this seems a bit disgusting, not so much for you, but for the poor person who gets in there after you’ve finished your business. Show some respect for your fellow vacationers, people!
Just… no. Don’t have sex here.
Finally, a secret spot. Don’t tell anybody. If you’ve ever been lucky enough to eat at the California Grill on the 15th floor of The Contemporary, you probably know that you can see the fireworks at The Magic Kingdom perfectly from the windows. But did you know that there’s another, more private viewing area on that same floor? Follow the corridor to the right of the elevator down to a set of doors. The doors open to a huge outside balcony that nobody visits except to watch the fireworks at MK. Sex as the monorail glides under your feet is quite the experience. Tip: if there are people on that level, you can simply take the outside stairway to the next balcony down, which offers the same view and is actually even more secluded.
Any 4 of these balconies are prime sex spots
The hallway from California Grill to the balconies
The top right balcony – note the incredible view of MK
The balcony below, looking over to the opposite side
In the Parks:
By definition, if you’re having sex in one of the parks you’re having sex in public, which is illegal and if you’re caught will likely get you thrown out and possibly arrested. Also be aware that the majority of the rides in the World are almost 100% monitored by cameras. Now, while that will excite the hardcore exhibitionists out there, some of you might not appreciate the fact that a pimply-faced cast member and all of his friends will be using a video copy of your escapades as spank material. Finally, there are kids everywhere! Be discrete, and don’t traumatize some poor child for life because you decided it would be fun to hump Goofy’s leg. Not cool!
With those caveats out of the way, sex in the parks is a unique experience that you simply can’t replicate anywhere else. How many places can you orgasm while staring at a fairly accurate replica of Johnny Depp or Abraham Lincoln (who, believe it or not, is actually the subject of an entire subset of fetishists)?
So without further adieu, here are the best places in the parks to get your move on (sometimes quite literally!), in order of safest to you-must-love-jail craziest.
1. Companion restrooms. Essentially these are meant for parents to go into with their too-young-for-adult-restroom kids, but they’re also a perfect place to go with your partner. Yes, I know, “ick!” But the restrooms at Disney are notoriously clean, especially these ones, since not many people go into them. Plus, there’s a lock on the door and no cameras, assuring that you won’t get caught. The best of these seem to be at Epcot, although they can be found at any of the parks.
Might as well say “Sex Room”
The very clean and spacious Companion Restroom in Mexico
2. Carousel of Progress. At certain times of the year this quaint animatronic show is virtually empty, and there are no cameras in the theater. Sit in the back and go for third base in a dark, air-conditioned theater as the robots lull the rest of the audience to sleep.
Completely empty theater during a showing of Carousel of Progress
A while back a fellow Dark-sider told me how he actually walked up the ramp with a date, opened the door, and found the whole ride empty. “We went up to the theater but nobody was there to let us in. We saw that one of the doors on the far left side was cracked, so we walked in and it was empty and dark. Not sure if it was down for repairs, or what. The stage was locked on the “modern” scene, the curtain was up, and the whole family was there, looking like they were taking a nap (the dog looked dead, to be honest). So we went up onstage and did it right behind dad in the kitchen, knowing that he could wake up at any time! It was like being back in high school, trying to sneak one past our parents or something. Pretty exciting!”
3. FutureWorld East at Night. Universe of Energy closes way earlier than any of the other rides in FutureWorld (because it’s a 40 minute show), and for most of the year The Wonders of Life Pavilion isn’t even open (and when it is open it’s totally dead at night). After dark during the shorter days of the year this area is nearly abandoned, and between these two pavilions there is a large section of welcoming foliage you can venture back into and recreate your own XXX version of the opening scenes from the now defunct “Making of Me”.
Without the flash, this Future World East location is dark and secluded at night
4. Tom Sawyer’s Island. There are a ton of dark, secluded spots here, especially in Injun Joe’s Cave (The Mining Cave has NO secluded spots!). But be forewarned that kids are swarming in the busy months as their parents let them run wild to burn off excess energy. So your chances of getting caught rise exponentially as the crowd levels increase. Best to go here towards the end of the day.
Entrance to Injun Joe’s Cave
Flash-illuminated sex hideaway – even has a seat for comfort!
5. The monorail from The Magic Kingdom to Epcot is also ideal for a quickie, especially during those Ev
ening Magic Hours that last until 2AM (so the monorail runs until 3AM). Find an empty cabin and go at it. Don’t believe me? Check out http://www.flashmountain.com/monorail-girl.php for pictures of a girl totally nude on the WDW monorail; there’s even a video you can order for only $9.95! Totally worth it, btw. In this video, it initially looks like there are other people in the cabin, and there are even sound effects added so that it sounds like a large crowd is are in there. But subsequent shots show that for the most graphic parts the cabin was empty, and two separate trips were cut together. Looks like this was done in the middle of the day, but it would obviously work anytime you can find an empty cabin.
MONORAIL GIRL!!!!
6. The secret trail in Animal Kingdom. There is one particular trail around the giant phallic symbol known as The Tree of Life that it seems nobody knows about, probably because the entrance and exit aren’t really marked. To get to the trail, go through the Fastpass area for A Bugs Life. You’ll find the trail on the left side. The warnings here are the same as for Tom Sawyer’s Island, so play it safe!
Entrance to secret trail via exit of “Tough to be a Bug”
The secret AK trail
A flash-illuminated sex hideaway on the AK trail
7. Journey Into Your Imagination. A few sources in the know claim that there are no cameras on this ride, much like there weren’t in the long defunct Horizons ride. Since Journey has been butchered into a boring shell of its former self, there’s really nothing better to do on this ride than have some “imaginative” sex.
Nobody rides this thing, might as well have sex
8. The Utilidors at MK or Backstage at Epcot. “Wait, what?!” you gasp. “You’re not even supposed to be there to begin with! How is this a good place to have sex?” Well, as far as gaining access to the tunnels or backstage, read the tips and tricks later in the book. Once you get there and realize nobody gives a shit, you’ll find a massive network of tunnels at MK with dozens of forgotten storage rooms, and all sorts of strange abandoned hideaways at Epcot where you should have no trouble finding a private spot to get your groove on.
9. Any of the dark rides, especially Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean. Look, you’re just asking for trouble here. There are cameras everywhere, and if you’re even so much as making out you’ll hear a cast member telling you over the speakers to cut it out. If you persist, they’ll stop the ride and escort you out. But I’m sure some of you are going to do it anyway, so if you do, be as discrete as possible, hopefully settling for a handy or fingerbang under a jacket.
Example of one of the camera monitoring stations at WDW
A cast member tells the story of how he was working evening EMH hours at Mansion, around 1:30AM. “A couple came in giggling, and they were the only people who’d come in for at least five minutes so they had the ride all to themselves. We knew pretty much right away what was going to happen, so after they got on the ride we kept our eyes glued to the cameras. They put on the craziest XXX-rated show we’d ever seen! It’s not like you can do it in a normal position in the ride vehicles anyway, but they were all over the place! When they got off the ride we all stood there and gave them a round of applause. The girl was blushing like crazy but the guy seemed to love it and gave us all high-fives!”
Honorable mention: Skyway. Oh, Skyway, how we miss you! Although this ride doesn’t exist anymore (supposedly closed for engineering reasons, although popular consensus is that it was a safety hazard since you could literally jump to your death), it was a mecca for the horny. No cameras, on top of the crowd so nobody could see you, but still out in the open air. The number of kids conceived up here over the years must have been staggering.
So there you go, the best places in Walt Disney World to have sex! Take that, Fodors!
To deviate (no pun intended) slightly from the topic, another sex-related ride “must do” is showing your boobs on Splash Mountain, better known to cast members as “Flash Mountain”. Right as you go down the climax of the ride (a huge waterfall) a hidden camera snaps your picture, which you can then purchase on your way out. Apparently it’s become something of a rite of passage for women to bare their breasts right at this moment, camera be damned. Of course, since it’s Disney, they’ve devised a protocol to shelter young eyes from this behavior, and have set the camera system on a 35 second time delay so that they can quickly block any photos with bare breasts from appearing on the big screen at the photo kiosk.
However, it seems as if some enterprising cast members have figured out a way to shift these pix to some other form of storage, and have graciously posted them for all to see at http://www.flashmountain.com/spl.php!
How to Find Someone to Have Sex With:
If you’re single and on the prowl, let’s be honest: WDW probably isn’t the best vacation spot for random hookups. Go to Cancun or Daytona if that’s all you’re interested in. However, if you’re mainly looking for a fun and memorable vacation, with a little tail on the side, that can definitely be arranged.
Cast Members:
Throughout the year the parks are staffed by college students there for the College Program, where horny teenagers from all over the world come to work for a pittance, both because they love Disney, and because it looks pretty good on a resume. As of this writing, there were 8,000 students working for the Mouse each year via this program, with 4,000 on site at any given time!
The majority of these young cast members are placed in menial positions, such as serving/cooking food or cleaning bathrooms, so anything you can do to make their day a little brighter will definitely make you stand out from the throngs of irritable and annoying guests they usually deal with. If you see an attractive young cast member, by all means chat them up and see if you can get invited back to one of their off-site housing complexes (i.e., dorms) where all of the typical hijinks often associated with college housing occur on a daily basis. These apartments are definitely party central for college-age cast members, and getting invited here on a weekend is like hitting the mother load for a single looking for a hookup at WDW.
“It really is like a freshman dorm,” says a young female DCP attendee. “People have to work shitty shifts at all hours and all days of the week, and it’s tough to have a normal social life outside of the program. So everyone just hooks up with everyone else in the apartment complex; it’s very incestuous. After a few weeks we realized that the boys in the program were super immature, so my friends and I were definitely on the prowl in the parks for attractive guys. Since most guests treated us like crap, anyone who was even remotely nice stood out from the crowd. I’d give nice guys FastPasses with my number written on the back.”
Here’s an extra special tip: try to get invited to The Commons, which is where the international cast members live. For The World Showcase in Epcot, Disney tries to hire students who are actually from the countries represented in the individual pavilions, both to create an authentic experience for guests, and also so that the international cast members feel a little more comfortable in their environment, given that most of them are in the US for the first time.
As has been shown in numerous studies over the years, many other countries have much more liberal attitudes towards sex than the US does, so odds are that you have a better chance of a one-night stand with these cast members. Specifically, Scandanavian countries rank high on the promiscuity scale (and are also very friendly towards LGBT lifestyles), so it would behoove you to head on over to World Showcase and start hitting on the cast members at Norway!
Hot Norway Cast Members!
For more information on cast member debauchery, I’d recommend Mouse Tales by David Koenig, Cast Member Confidential by Chris Mitchell, and Kevin Yee’s MouseTrap.
Locals:
Unfortunately, one of the best spots to pickup locals is now shuttered. Pleasure Island was a strip of highly themed bars and dance clubs in the Downtown Disney area. The great thing about them is that you could easily pickup the type of person you were interested in by na
ture of the club that they frequented. If you wanted a good ole country boy or girl to line dance with, you went to the Wildhorse Saloon. If you wanted an 80s rock star with enough hairspray to punch a hole in the ozone layer you went to Rock N Roll Beach Club. BET Soundstage for the urban crowd, and 8Trax for the MILFs. Or the much celebrated Adventurers Club for the true Disney-aholics. These clubs were quite the experience, and definitely lent themselves to heavy drinking and random hookups, which is assumably why Disney shut them down. Major bummer!
As of the time of this writing, the closest thing to Pleasure Island is Universal’s CityWalk. Of course, the issue here is that if you’re staying onsite you either need to drive there (and thus probably drive home drunk, which is dumb), or take a cab, which is going to cost you a pretty penny. The fact that Disney has given up on such a major demographic and allowed their competition to take the reigns seems like a major blunder, but such criticism is moot at this point, and all we can do is hope that they eventually come to their senses.
The Dark Side of Disney Page 7
