‘My God, Anne! Talk about biting the bullet! What did he say?’
‘He was pretty furious –’
‘Oh God.’
‘Furious with me, actually.’
‘With you?’ Marsha is shrieking down the phone. ‘That’s so totally unfair!’
‘A case of shoot the messenger, I suppose.’
Marsha’s excited voice goes up an octave. ‘This guy gets crazier by the day! But are you saying Evie’s really off the hook?’
‘Well, he seems to accept that it’s not her fault.’
‘Clever girl! You’ve managed to deflect his anger onto you. I am so impressed.’ I can feel Marsha’s deep forensic interest vibrating the phone line. ‘How exactly did you do it?’
‘Just one of my hidden skills.’
‘Anne, I need detail! It sounds like you’ve worked a miracle.’
‘I just happen to know a few of Radnor’s weaknesses.’ I twiddle with a free ballpoint Clive’s picked up from somewhere – a horrible green and orange with a white button and ‘Daley’s Garage’ written in black. I thought Clive was supposed to have taste. I throw it in the bin.
‘Ah, I thought so. You and Radnor did more than share the same bit of space, then?’ Marsha never forgets a conversation, sod her. ‘Which exact “weakness” did you exploit?’
‘No comment.’
‘Anne, you’re so secretive! I could kill you.’
‘Thanks. I appreciate the negative energy.’ Marsha believes in all that stuff, her flat’s been Feng Shui’d out of existence.
‘Oh, I didn’t mean that literally! It’s just that for Evie’s sake … you know how she relies on me. I need to have accurate information –’
‘Well, let’s just say I called on some shared experience.’
‘Well, thank God you did. I guess Evie’s over the moon.’
‘I haven’t got hold of her yet. For once she seems to be out earning some money. Unless she’s gone home with a hangover, which wouldn’t surprise me the state she was in at lunchtime. I’ve left her a message. Basically he wants her to carry on as usual. Not talk about it. Not mention it.’
‘What?’ Marsha’s roar nearly deafens me. ‘That Radnor is really weird.’
‘You’re in a funny mood tonight.’ Steve watches me over the dining table. He’s come home early, done his famous Chicken Surprise, using up all the pans and leaving his toolbox on the worktop. He feels he’s owed some sort of thanks and I haven’t managed it. I feel a little queasy. Reaction, probably. I go on eating, avoid his eyes, wonder whether I should say anything. Eventually, and in a casual way between bites of bread, I mention that I’m pleased because I think I’ve sorted things out for Evie.
‘What? This thing that’s been going on for weeks? Her and Radnor?’ Steve picks up a chicken bone, savages it with his teeth. Then a thought strikes him and he looks up. ‘You’ve been to see him, haven’t you?’
I should have known he’d guess; he’s got antennae a mile long where Radnor is concerned. ‘Well?’ He sits there, holding the chicken bone, brow furrowed.
‘Well what?’
‘Well, did you?’
‘Ten out of ten. This chicken’s terrific, by the way. Good thing I like garlic.’
‘Bugger the garlic. Are you completely mad?’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘Not really. And anyway, I don’t want a big scene about this. I was only getting him to see sense.’
‘And?’
‘And I did.’
‘And?’
‘And that’s it.’
‘That’s it? I thought women liked to share things. Details. So we men are always being told.’
‘Well, I’m just bucking the trend. Especially when you’re so paranoid about everything to do with Radnor.’
‘I’m not paranoid. It’s just that every time you talk about him – or even think about him – you get upset.’
‘Rubbish.’ I concentrate on the chicken breast, cut it up very small.
‘Why do you always deny it?’
‘Because you always exaggerate. He’s in the past.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘Okay, then. Tell me. Am I upset now?’ I look him full in the face. Surely even Steve can’t tell how fast my heart is beating.
‘Don’t pretend with me. I can practically see his face behind your eyes. Just like last night. And the night before. In fact, I’m fucking sick of being in bed with him.’
‘Now you’re being stupid.’
‘Stupid. Thanks, Anne. Yes, that’s my level. I’m not Doctor Professor bloody Radnor, M.A. Ph.D., honorary this, prize-winning that. I just don’t match up, do I?’
‘What’s so great about a couple of degrees? When he’s such a psycho underneath? You’re miles better than him in every way. Why don’t you believe it?’
‘Why don’t you?’ He looks at me fiercely.
I try evasive action. ‘Why does it matter so much anyway? What d’you think he did – seduce me on top of his desk?’
‘I wouldn’t put it past him.’
‘Or me, apparently.’ I get up, remove the plates, move out of his sight line.
‘Okay, I didn’t mean that. Sorry.’ Steve grabs for my hand as I pass. ‘It’s just the way he goes around looking so stiff-necked and pleased with himself. I just want to punch him in the face.’
‘You don’t need to prove anything to me, Steve.’
‘So you keep saying. But then you go and do something that makes me feel I have to –’
‘I know, I know. I’m sorry. But Evie was so desperate.’
‘You care more about her than about me, then.’
‘Please don’t put it like that, Steve. It wasn’t a choice.’
I didn’t do it just for Evie. No one’s that altruistic. But I didn’t mean to upset Steve, either. I don’t really know what I had in mind when I made that phone call. Up till then, I’d managed to avoid a face-to-face with Radnor. It hadn’t been difficult; he’s never been a social animal – and the rest of us had got used to Evie arriving everywhere without him, breezing in with a ‘Hi, gang!’ and a raft of excuses for why he was occupied elsewhere. Over the years, he and I had found ourselves in the same room a number of times, but I’d given him a wide berth; hadn’t met his eye; hadn’t addressed him at all. I’d keep repeating to myself all the time, like a mantra, ‘Don’t forget, this man is a bastard.’ Yet when I stepped into his office that day he looked exactly the same as when I first saw him: pale face, blond hair, freakishly beautiful. And yet with a look that was almost kind. Maybe I had misjudged him. Maybe he wasn’t so bad. Maybe we could be grown-up about things.
He put down his pen, scrutinized me carefully. ‘You look tired, Anne. Husband of yours not looking after you?’
‘I’m not here to talk about Steve, thank you, Radnor.’ Defensive already.
‘Ah. No of course, it’s about Evie. Well?’
‘She’s in a state.’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘In a state. What exactly does that mean?’
‘Haven’t you noticed how much weight she’s lost?’
He hesitated. Clearly he hadn’t. But he wasn’t going to admit it. ‘Women are always losing weight. And gaining it. That can’t be what’s brought you here at such short notice. I told you how busy I am.’ He indicated the piles of exam papers, folders, sheets of paper, all stacked neatly: annotated, labelled, assessed, valued.
‘She’s desperately unhappy, Radnor. And she feels she can’t talk to you.’
‘Nonsense. Evie is not secretive like you, Anne. She’s a high-spirited, open person.’
‘Yes, I know all her good points. She’s my best friend, remember?’
‘So she is. And therefore you’re aware that there isn’t a devious bone in her body. That’s what’s so lovely about her.’ He’d apparently forgotten how he’d once called her ‘that tarty-looking girl who takes up all your time’; how for a year he’d
tried to break up our friendship because she was ‘trivial-minded’. He had a different view of her now she belonged to him.
‘Look, she may be lovely, Radnor, but she’s afraid of you, all the same.’
‘Afraid?’ He seemed genuinely taken aback. ‘What is all this nonsense about, Anne? Please come to the point.’
‘Okay.’ I was in for it now. I took a deep breath and the words came out in a rush. ‘Evie can’t have children. She had a hysterectomy ages ago. I don’t know the details. Evie finds it too upsetting to discuss, even with me. And she couldn’t face telling you at all. So I’m here instead – the fall guy.’ I gave a stupid little smile.
He stared at me. He didn’t look shocked, or even surprised, although he raked his hair a little with his fingers. ‘Yes, I suspected something like this.’
‘You knew?’
‘Well, Anne, it’s not rocket science. We’ve been lovers for four years. There must have been something wrong. I’m not totally obtuse.’
‘Oh, Radnor, why didn’t you say? She’s been going half-mad about these tests. Afraid you’ll dump her, even.’
He frowned at the distasteful word. ‘Dump her?’
‘Leave her. Throw her out. You know what I mean.’
‘How badly you think of me, Anne.’
‘You’ve been known to do it, though, haven’t you?’
His eyes deepened with anger, but he said nothing. He was in super-control. ‘The difference in this case, Anne, is that Evie is the innocent victim. So I can hardly let her down – even when things are, well, disappointing.’ He adjusted a pile of papers a quarter of an inch to the right, and I saw the tightness in his throat.
‘Disappointing? Is that all you can say? I thought – she thought – you wanted a child more than anything.’
‘You know I did. You of all people know how much I did. But sometimes things don’t work out just as we want. Fate takes a hand. Or people help Fate along a little, don’t they, Anne?’ He gave me a hard look. ‘But Evie mustn’t worry. You can pass that on, as you seem to be the appointed messenger. Tell her I just don’t want to hear any more about it. End of story.’
I was totally perplexed. It was all too easy. But I nodded, grateful. He’d dismissed me; the interview was over; I had actually done it.
I turned to go. But even as I turned, he spoke again. ‘But tell me, Anne. Why have you of all people taken it upon yourself to be the bearer of bad news?’
‘I told you. Evie asked me.’
‘And do you do everything she asks?’
‘Obviously not. But she’d got herself into such a state that I thought–’
‘That you’d come in person and see how I took it.’
‘No, that’s not it at all. I’m sorry about it. I really am, Radnor.’
‘Sorry? I find that hard to believe. Coming from you, after what you did.’
‘Please don’t rake that all up.’
‘Why ever not? Why should I spare you? You have a nerve, I must say. Coming here and gloating.’
‘Gloating? You think I’m gloating?’
‘It seems awfully like it, Anne.’
I sighed. ‘I knew you’d take it out on me.’
‘Are you surprised?’
‘Not really. It’s what I expected. You’ve always had to beat me into the ground.’
‘You speak as if I’m some sort of sadist.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘That’s how you appear.’
‘Well, appearances can be deceptive, as you full well know. I thought – mistakenly as it seemed – that you loved me once.’
‘I did.’ The words jumped out unbidden.
‘So why did you see fit to break my heart?’
‘I don’t know.’ I really didn’t know any more. His presence confused my thought processes. I was back swimming in a vast emotional sea, feeling the heavy tug of his body as he enclosed me in a drowning embrace. All I could say was: ‘It was just too much for me. You were too much for me. You never let me breathe.’
He stared at me, unbelieving. ‘I see. But that doesn’t exactly explain why you killed our baby.’
I could feel the tears collecting behind my eyebrows, my nose, my forehead, making everything ache. ‘You can’t imagine that I wanted to do it.’
‘Then, for God’s sake, Anne, why did you?’
‘I don’t know.’ I felt unable to account for it, even to myself. ‘I suppose a baby made everything too complicated. Closed down my options in life.’
‘So you weighed the life of my child against your “options”? Did you never think you were being the slightest bit selfish?’
He was glaring at me from the moral high ground, but I wasn’t going to be intimidated. ‘Of course I was being selfish – I was nineteen, for heaven’s sake; I wanted to have a life. And don’t imagine I haven’t blamed myself ever since – wondering what it would have been like to hold a child in my arms! Don’t imagine I don’t think of it every day now.’ I choked and stopped, ambushed by my tears. ‘But I knew you’d never let me go once I had your child.’
‘And would that have been so bad? Us together for ever?’ His voice had softened and he looked at me in his old intense way.
‘I don’t know, Radnor. I really don’t know. But it’s all in the past. I made my decision and you made yours.’ I felt exhausted; I wanted to go.
But he got up. Came round the desk, eyes fixed on me. Stood over me. ‘Is it really all in the past?’ He grasped my arms, his fingertips finding the old places as if the bruises had never healed.
‘Please don’t.’ I tried to break away.
‘Oh? Would your husband not like it? I daresay you run rings around that poor sap of a plumber.’
‘Don’t call him that.’
Radnor smiled. ‘I’m so sorry. I beg his pardon. No doubt he has his good points. Although he hasn’t given you that longed-for child, I notice.’
‘And he hasn’t turned his back on me, either. He’s stuck by me. He’s a nice man.’
Radnor went on gripping my arms, and I felt the utter helplessness he always induced when he touched me. I knew I had to resist him, to forget the feel of him, the smell of him, the look of him. I had to turn my mind to Steve – Steve who let me be myself, who made me feel relaxed. Steve who pottered around the house, whistling through his teeth, taking a fag break at the back door, smoke curling away from his face. Steve who turned to me in bed, with his lazy, confiding wink: Okay, babe?
Radnor’s voice was insistent. ‘Nice. Yes, no doubt, nice. If that’s what you want, Anne. If you want something ordinary. I don’t suppose your poor plumber makes many demands.’
‘Let me go.’ My voice was very faint.
He went on holding me. I went on letting him. My head might be remembering Steve, but my body remembered Radnor. I could hear his voice insistently in my head. ‘The plumber may have his good points, but I don’t suppose he takes your breath away, does he? Does he, Anne?’ His voice sharp now, probing.
I didn’t answer.
He relaxed then, smiled down at me. Such a sweet smile; luminous. And his eyes – like stars in the frost. ‘Anne,’ he said, pulling me close.
I thought the word ‘stop’ in my head. I tried to speak it. But I had no breath. My lungs were full of grief, and love, and regret, and I sank beneath the water line, into the darkness.
Steve and I sit over the remains of the meal. He’s on his second fag, but he’s still grumpy. I try again.
‘Okay, you’re right about me getting upset about Radnor. There’ve always been a lot of unresolved issues.’
‘Like why he dumped you and took up with Evie?’ Steve’s feeling brutal.
‘It didn’t happen quite like that.’
‘Oh? I never knew the full story.’
‘They got together much later – just after I met you, in fact. She ran into him in a cake shop.’
‘A cake shop? Radnor?’ Steve looks astounded.
‘Well, even Radnor eats cake.’ Alth
ough I’d wondered about it, myself, questioned how much he’d planned it all. ‘I admit it was a bit of a surprise. She’s hardly his type. Although I suppose any bloke would give his eye teeth to have someone like Evie hanging on his arm.’
Steve grunts. ‘Except that Radnor is not any bloke, is he? Isn’t that what all this fuss has been about?’
‘Who can say what people see in each other? He thinks she’s perfect.’
‘Perfect?’ Steve laughs. ‘Is he completely off his head?’
‘Evie’s not very complicated. It looks like innocence. It appeals to him.’
Steve is unconvinced. ‘That’s not the message I’ve been getting these past weeks. I thought it was the relationship from hell. But maybe I wasn’t listening properly. Or I don’t have the A-levels to work it out.’
‘Oh-oh. Your chip is showing again.’ I can’t help laughing.
Steve laughs too. The atmosphere lightens. I feel able to put my arms round him and not risk being pushed away. ‘Look, why are we wasting all this time on Evie and Radnor, when you are so extraordinarily sexy and nice?’ I kiss his ear.
‘Oh, nice! I’m a bit sick of that.’
‘It’s a good quality. It’ll make you a great dad.’ I stroke his dark curls. They’re so tight they spring back under my fingers. I love his hair, his dark, smooth skin, his male smell. Even the fags. ‘I know you’re annoyed about it. But seeing Radnor today did help. Sorted things out. You know – closure.’
Steve snorts. ‘Closure! God help us, you sound like Marsha.’ He broods a bit, takes time to finish his cigarette, then suddenly blows the last of the smoke into the air. ‘Okay, Annie-pannie. Let’s see if it’s worked.’ He plants a big sploshy kiss on me. It has a sharp tail of desire in it and I think this might be the night.
Clive is organizing a farewell party. I’m not supposed to know, but there’s much rustling of wrapping paper and clinking of bottles in the cubbyhole. ‘Just a few friends,’ says Evie, who has crept in to tell me the wonderful news that Radnor’s taking time off to come along too. She goes on again about how Radnor has forgiven her, and how he is in such a good mood these days she can’t imagine why she was so worried about telling him.
The last few months I’ve closed my mind to Radnor, just refused to think about him. I concentrate on Steve. I concentrate on the baby. Positive vibes. Good karma. Willing things to be the way I want.
Lying Together Page 3
