by ERIN BEDFORD
In my honest opinion, the only bush shaping should be your own and only to keep it neat. None of that landing strip crap or fancy shapes. I once knew someone who did a lightning bolt. Like Harry Potter was going to come ravage her vagina. Some people.
Unfortunately, those kinds of people were the kind who lived in my parent’s neighborhood. It wasn’t mine. It’d never been mine. I’d always been the odd one out. Parents didn’t want their kids playing with the weird kid, go figure.
“Jane.”
Mandy’s voice startled me out of my thoughts, and I met her concerned gaze. “What?”
“Are you going to go in or stare at it all day?” She unbuckled her seat belt and opened the car door, not waiting for me to answer before she got out.
We’d arrived at my parent’s house already. I hadn’t even noticed. That’s how much I disliked being here. I laid my head against the cool rubber of the steering wheel, contemplating skipping today, but a knock on my window stopped that thought. Grumbling to myself, I unsnapped my own seatbelt and climbed out of the car.
The two-story house before us had an off-white color to it just like the majority of the other houses on the street. I knew one thing. If my parents ever did kick the bucket and left me their house, I was painting it neon green. I’m a rebel that way.
“I don’t know why you came,” I said, walking up the little stone path my mom had made me spend a whole week of summer vacation putting in.
“For moral support, of course.” Mandy kept up with me easily, her long legs making my speed walking seem like a languid stroll.
“I thought you were here on police business,” I reminded her with a look of disdain.
“Well, that too, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be here for you now that I’m already here. Besides, I love your mother too. I’d love to see her.” The sincerity in her voice was the only thing keeping me from snapping her head off.
Mandy wasn’t only my best friend, but she was my oldest friend. We’ve been attached at the hip since fourth grade when booger-eating Jeffery Polts broke up with her in front of everyone. He’d called her a giraffe neck and a wet kisser. Why they were kissing in the first place, I chalked up to bad parenting and rated R movies. But while everyone laughed at her, I had an epiphany.
See, I’d always been the smallest. The last to be picked at games and the one who everyone tried to bully. That was until they realized I wasn’t some weakling who’d just take it. I’d never laid back and taken anything in my life. Ask my dentist; he’s got the bite marks to prove it.
Jeffery Polts had been right about one thing. Mandy had a giraffe neck and legs. She was too large for our grade, and that worked for me just fine. So, I walked straight up to Polts and punched him in the nuts. Safe to say that no one laughed at Mandy after that and we had been best friends ever since.
“She’d want to see you too,” I murmured as we stopped at the front door. I’d always loved our door, one of the few things I did care about in the house. With a large wooden frame and slender windows on either side, it was the perfect place to spy on the neighbors. Of course, my mother didn’t even bother hiding, she’d sit out on the yard in a lawn chair, binoculars in hand.
Yeah, my mom was that kind. I rang the doorbell, a sound I could hear even from the doorstep. Like a foghorn, that thing was. I always joked that it was partly why my father was hard of hearing. Also, it sucked when you were trying to sleep in on Saturdays and your parents were social butterflies. It’d wake you from a dead sleep.
We didn’t have to wait long for the door to open and reveal my father, Richard Mehr. Greying on the sides, his hair was still holding strong even pushing sixty. He wore glasses that he was constantly pushing back up the bridge of his nose. Luckily, I had perfect vision. I didn’t think I’d rock glasses like Richard Mehr did.
“Janey!” My dad cried out, opening the door all the way to let us in.
“Hey, dad,” I smiled up at him despite myself. I barely stepped into the house before I was pulled into a warm hug. I let him hold me for a moment, taking in the scent of him. Modeling glue and peppermints. “Been playing with airplanes today, have we?” I asked as I pulled back.
The guilty grin on my dad’s face made me grin too. “I’m a surgeon, I have to keep my hands in tip-top shape.”
“Sure, that’s the reason,” I joked.
“Hey, Mr. Mehr,” Mandy stepped in behind me, my dad closing the door behind us. “How’s it going?”
“Good, good. Hospital keeps me busy. I might not get to perform surgery as much anymore but being the head of the surgical department still keeps me on my toes.” My dad might complain about his work, but I know he loved it. He’d never be happy doing anything else but helping people. Maybe a pilot. Or a plane designer. They had those, right?
“Well, come on in.” Dad ushered us into the house. “Want something to drink?”
“Sure,” Mandy and I both said, looking at each other and grinning.
“I’ve got some iced tea. The housekeeper, Beatrice, made this morning.”
“Tea!” Mandy and I both rushed to say, this time bursting out laughing.
My dad chuckled and shook his head. “It’s like you two are teenagers all over again.” When we reached the kitchen, he pulled down some glasses and poured us each some. “Not that I’d wish for you two hellions to be running around here all the time, but it is good to have some younger people in the house again.”
My expression softened as I smiled at my father. I really should visit more often, but with my father’s busy schedule and my evening shifts, it was hard to find an appropriate time to come. Maybe if I ended up consulting for the police, then I’d have more control over my schedule. Visiting more would be nice.
Handing both of Mandy and me our iced teas, my dad pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Now, make sure you go see your mother. She’s in the solar.”
“As usual,” I muttered, earning me a warning look from dad.
“Now, Jane. You be nice to your mother. She doesn’t need any of your sass.”
I held my hands up in defense. “When have I ever sassed?”
My dad pursed his lips. “Only every other word that comes out of your mouth.”
He had me there. “I don’t have any reason to sass mom. As long as she doesn’t start talking about grandchildren, we’ll be peachy keen.”
Dad snorted. “Good luck with that. I’ll be in my office if you need me.” Left to our own devices, Mandy and I stood at the breakfast bar drinking our tea.
“So, you were here on police business, right? Something to do with that officer at my bar last night?”
Mandy glanced at me as if she just remembered that was the whole point of her visit in the first place.
“Oh yeah. Right. About that.” She cleared her throat and put her arms behind her back. Something I suspected she learned from the police academy to keep her from fidgeting. “So, that pompous idiot Clemons went to the police station spouting off about you and how you had gotten that guy to spill the beans ...”
“Dan.”
“Yeah, him.” She nodded and then finished her iced tea. “Anyway, he went on about how he’d been working on Dan for a good hour, and all it took was a sentence from you, and he was more than happy to spill his guts.” Mandy laughed. “He’d have told us his social security number if asked.”
Putting Mandy and mine’s glasses in the sink, I rolled my eyes. “I doubt that very much.”
She shot me a chastising look as we headed out of the kitchen. “Anyway, the captain made inquiries about you and your little psychic act. He thinks you check out and now ...” Mandy groaned as if it really hurt her to say the next words. “Now, he wants you to come on to help with the case.”
We passed through the living room which was filled with seats that made your butt feel like it had died and gone to Heaven. But even the best cushion could become hard as a rock if you sat on it long enough. I should know, I’d done a lot of sitting here
in my day.
“What case?” I asked, the solar finally coming into view. I could just make out my mother’s dark hair sitting by the window. She always did like the outdoors.
“That’s classified until you accept the job.”
“Job? You mean with pay and everything?” I lit up like a birthday candle at the prospect of money.
Mandy pressed her lips together tightly, saying in a clipped voice, “Yes, you would be on the Blessed Falls Police Department payroll as their resident psychic.”
“I’ll do it.” I didn’t need to know what all the job entailed, it had to pay better than bartending, though I’d still do that in the evenings. I’d have to talk to the boss about shortening my hours though; that wouldn’t go over well.
Mandy grabbed my arm, stopping us before we could get to my mother. “There’s a problem with that.”
“What? I’d have to get stripped searched?” I cocked a brow at her and grinned. “Because I’d be up for that if the guy were right.”
Shaking her head, I could tell she was trying not to smile, but she finally sobered. “Stop trying to make me laugh. I’m serious, Jane. You see things that aren’t there. That doesn’t make you psychic.”
“How do you know? You don’t know the extent of my powers. I could have laser vision and see straight through your pants there.” I put my fingers on either side of my forehead and stared hard at her. “I can see that you are wearing your Wednesday underwear on a Friday.” I clicked my tongue with a shake of my head. “Naughty naughty. You should do your laundry.”
Mandy shoved my hands down from my head with an impatient sound. “Jane, be serious. You can get in a lot of trouble pretending to be something you’re not, and how would you help anyway? Have your angels go find her?”
“Actually, for your information, the guys each have special abilities that they lend me for such occasions.” I opened my mouth to keep going but snapped it shut.
“What is it?” Mandy asked.
I growled and shoved a hand through my hair. “We’re kind of on the outs right now. Probably have to fix that.”
Mandy snort laughed. “You’re on the outs with your imaginary friends? How is that possible?”
Shooting her a sideways look, I clipped, “They were getting handsy, which is incredibly frustrating when they’re not only super hot, but can’t actually touch you.” Not waiting for an answer, I started toward my mother once more.
I sat next to her on the bench. She didn’t look away from the window even as the cushion dipped my way. I placed a hand on her shoulder, startling her. Her grey-blue eyes focused in on me and a smile spread across her lips, showing the lines on her face.
“Jane, dear. When did you get here?”
“I just got here.” I hugged her slightly before sitting back on the bench. “Mandy’s here too.”
“Hey, Mrs. Mehr.” Mandy sat on the chair opposite of us. “It’s good to see you.”
Penny Mehr was a beautiful woman. People say I am the spitting image of her, but she’s better. Even at her age, she was still the most devastatingly beautiful person I’d ever met. But she’s my mom, so I might be biased.
“Mandy, you’ve gotten so tall.” My mom smiled at her. “And you’ve made detective I see.”
Mandy shrugged and scratched her ear, her tell that she was uncomfortable with my mom’s compliments. “Yeah, just recently actually.”
“I’m going to help them with a case,” I blurted out suddenly. Mandy gave me a warning look, but I ignored her. “Some guy at the bar liked how I got his suspect to talk, and now they want me to use my special powers to help them solve cases.”
“One.” Mandy held her finger up. “One case. And you haven’t even been accepted yet.”
“Working for the police, oh that sounds exciting.” My mom said as we pretended like we hadn’t even heard Mandy. “Are the boys all right helping you? I assume you did ask them?”
“Uh …”
“They’re fighting,” Mandy interjected, and I glared at her. She smiled smugly, her arms over her chest.
“Fighting?” My mom glanced at Mandy and me. “Jane, what did you do now?”
I scoffed. “Why does it have to be something I did?”
My mom leveled a look at me.
“Fine.” I threw my hands up. “I lost my temper and blew up on them. But you would have too if they kept flaunting their hotness at you but never put out.”
Most mothers would have chastised me for being crude but not my mother. She threw her head back and laughed, a tinkling sound that warmed my heart. “Oh, to be young again. I remember when Raphael used to hang around me all the time. I was half in love with the angel by the time your father came around. But let me tell you,” - she fanned herself with a wistful smile - “he was hot.”
“Mom!” I wrinkled my nose. “Gross.”
“So, you can talk about your sex life, but I can’t?” My mother rolled her eyes. “How is your sex life going? Outside of the boys?”
I did mention my mother sees angels too, didn’t I? Great isn’t it? Not really. While it was nice to have someone else with the same ability that I did, when mom got all nostalgic it could get awkward fast because you know… moms.
“Non-existent, mom.” I hoped that would be the end of it, but of course, it wasn’t.
“You know, if you need help finding someone, the Petersons’ son is back from the Middle East and I’m sure would be happy to see you.” She had a twinkle in her eyes that made me think she had more than seeing in mind for him and me.
“Darrell?” I asked, a disgusted look on my face. “He used to throw mud in my hair.”
“He was ten,” my mother reminded me.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I scowled. “Doesn’t matter.”
We sat and talked for a bit longer, my mom interjecting different guys I could date at every chance. See why I needed coffee this morning? She made me feel like a broodmare. Would it be so bad to let me decide when I wanted to have kids? Maybe I wouldn’t have them at all. Wouldn’t tell her that though. She’d disown me. Well, she was too nice for that. She’d give me a hard look. Probably.
As Mandy and I made our way back to the car, she asked, “Why don’t you stop paying attention to the angels? Your mom seems to have moved on from them. Why can’t you?”
I shrugged. “I gave up fighting what I saw a long time ago. They’re there. No use trying to pretend they aren’t.” I heaved in a large breath and let it out. All the tension from seeing my mother dissipated. At least something good came from all that therapy. Grinning like an idiot, I glanced at Mandy and started the car. “Are you hungry? I’m starving.”
Mandy let out a puff of air and chuckled. “Of course, you are, you bottomless pit.”
“Hey, don’t hate me because you’re jealous of my fast metabolism.” I held up a hand in her direction.
Snorting, Mandy whipped out her phone and started scrolling through it. “You say that when you’re in your thirties and have a muffin top and cavities. Can you drop me back off at your apartment? I left my car there.”
“Sure, and what about the case?”
She lifted her head from her phone and sighed. “I can’t seem to stop you when you have your mind set on something plus the captain wants to meet you, so I don’t really have a choice in the matter.”
“Damn straight.”
Mandy glared at me. “Anyway, can you come by the office before work?”
Brows furrowed, I thought about it. I still needed to buy groceries, I had nothing in the apartment. I’d eaten the rest of what I had last night which in the grand spectrum of things probably wasn’t the best anyway. Who knew how long that Chinese had been in there for?
I also needed to reconcile with the guys. I’d been a right bitch to them this morning and last night. They wouldn’t be happy to lend me their services so I could make money unless I apologized. Sure, they were endless flirts, and I had blue ovaries because of them, but really it wasn’t
their fault they couldn’t touch me.
“Jane?” Mandy snapped her fingers in front of my face.
Blinking, I nodded. “Yeah, I can do that. I’ve got a few more things to do, but I’ll come by before I head to the bar.”
“With your ... companions?” I almost smiled at how hard it was for her to admit that they existed.
My lips tipped up in what I hoped was a smile. “You leave that to me.”
5
There was only one place I wanted to go after dropping Mandy off, and coincidentally, it happened to be the same place I knew the guys would show up.
The Tasty Orange.
It not only had the best frozen yogurt in town but twenty-four different flavors with even more options for toppings. I’d made the mistake of one time getting one of everything in the same bowl. I was drunk and spent the following few hours in front of the toilet.
Since then, I made sure to stick to the basic flavors, but I still visited the Tasty Orange more often than my own family. There was just something so soothing about the white and screaming orange walls, the vinyl seats, and the smell of sugar in the air. It catered to all types of people. The young, the old, the hung-over. The Tasty Orange could turn anyone’s day right side up, which I needed after another of my mom’s talks about guys and grandkids.
Luckily for a Friday, it wasn’t filled to the brim with people. A couple sat in a corner, their eyes firmly on their phones while their bowls of froyo melted before them. I didn’t need to be a psychic to know they weren’t going to last. They were almost as sad as the cashier who looked like she’d had just about enough of our crap. As long as she only had gummy bears as a weapon, I wasn’t too worried. The family of four might cause me some issues though. Toddlers didn’t know when to pretend something wasn’t wrong, unlike adults, who were fluent in denial.
