Apart, who can divide us?
Divided, we shall never be parted.
Twilight of the Gods
Richard Wagner
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
A Note on the Author and Translator
Chapter 1
On September 15, 1966, Erneste was surprised to receive a letter from New York. But there was no one with whom he could have shared his feelings. He was alone—there was no one to whom he could have confided how utterly astonished and delighted he was to hear from Jakob, the friend he hadn’t seen since 1936. His dearest wish, which was that Jakob might someday return from the place he had gone to thirty years earlier, had never been fulfilled. Now he was standing in front of his mailbox with Jakob’s letter in his hand. He turned it this way and that, staring at the stamp as intently as if he had to memorize the number of lines in the postmark running across it, until he finally put the envelope in his breast pocket.
Erneste seldom received any mail. Getting a letter from Jakob, whom he had completely lost sight of but never forgotten, was more than he’d dared to hope for in recent years. Jakob wasn’t dead, as he had sometimes feared; Jakob was alive—still alive and living in America. Jakob had written to him.
There hadn’t been a day in all these years when Erneste had failed to think of Jakob. He had lost sight of him, yes, but he’d never erased him from his memory. The past was locked away in his abundant recollections of Jakob like something inside a dark closet. The past was precious, but the closet remained unopened.
Erneste gave the tablecloth a quick wipe with his napkin. The crumbs went flying, but none landed on the dress of the young woman who was deep in conversation with a somewhat older man in a dark-blue suit. From the couple’s awkward manner, Erneste felt sure she was appearing in public with him for the first time. Having been a fixture at the Restaurant am Berg for sixteen years, Erneste was the most dependable member of an ever-changing staff. Never once ill or absent in all that time, he had seen countless waiters and waitresses, chefs and kitchen hands, subordinates and superiors come and go, whereas he himself was known—and had no objection to being known—as a rock in shifting sands. He was a reserved, rather pallid man of medium height and indeterminate age with the impeccable manners of a patient and perceptive employee—almost a gentleman. He accepted his tips with even-handed dignity and hoarded them with care, never tempted to live above his means.
Shadowlike when he had to be, Erneste was also an attentive observer who would come hurrying up at the right moment, thoroughly alert and quick on the uptake.
Equipped with a more than adequate command of German, Italian, English, and—of course—French, since France was his native land, unobtrusive but omnipresent Erneste was a man of whom little was known. No diner ever dreamed of asking Monsieur Erneste what his surname was. He lived in a small apartment, two furnished rooms rented for 280 Swiss francs a month.
Erneste liked being a waiter and had never aspired to any other profession. Just then he caught sight of a little glistening bead of sweat on the man’s moist neck, a few millimeters above his collar. Nauseated, not that he showed it, he turned away with an impassive expression. Someone had raised a hand and called his name. He hurried over, gave a little bow, and proceeded to clear the table. The diners, an architect and his wife and a young couple unknown to him, requested some cheese and another bottle of wine.
For years now, Erneste had waited table exclusively in the Blue Room. This part of the Restaurant am Berg differed markedly from the outer room, a smoky rendezvous patronized by the younger set: artists and students, actors and their fans, quaffers of beer and Beaujolais. None of Erneste’s superiors, not even the manager himself, would have dared to ask him to wait table in the Brown Room. He was responsible only for the Blue Room, the one with the pale-blue drapes, where dinner was served punctually between seven and ten, not a moment before or after, every day except Sundays. No one who did not intend to eat was admitted before ten o’clock at night. Even Monsieur Erneste could prove severe in that respect.
Monsieur Erneste belonged to a dying breed and he knew it, but he had no idea whether the people he waited on with due courtoisie knew it too. Wondering about it would have been a waste of time. But they, too, were members of a dying breed. Erneste didn’t know if they realized it. Perhaps they merely sensed that they were growing older by degrees. The knowledge that they were not yet decrepit lent them the requisite sense of security. They had yet to resemble their elderly parents, who languished someplace in the country or the suburbs, where their offspring never made an effort to visit them except on Sundays. Such were Erneste’s thoughts as he turned to go and order a bottle of Château Léoville Poyferré 1953, four glasses, and les fromages: Camembert and Reblochon, the best possible cheeses to accompany the wine in question. Plenty of things would change here too, but less drastically, no doubt, than elsewhere. Erneste wasn’t blind. On the contrary, he had good eyesight and an excellent memory, and not just for the orders he took.
Erneste was entirely devoted to his profession. He had left home at sixteen, desperately eager to get away from his native village, his parents and his brothers and sisters, who had detected something alien and repellent in him. He went off to Strasbourg and became a waiter. He loved his profession because it brought him the freedom he’d craved for so long, the ability to do and think whatever he pleased without being observed. In that regard, nothing had changed since his first job thirty-five years ago. He was free. He wasn’t wealthy, but he was a free agent. He didn’t know whether his siblings were still alive, but they probably were, since they weren’t much older or younger than himself. At some stage—how many years ago was it?—they had informed him of his father’s death. His mother had died a few months later, but he didn’t respond or attend the funeral. Her image had faded long before. He hadn’t acknowledged the death notice.
Nobody knew who he was. No one was interested, no one cared about his private life. When diners asked how he was they were merely uttering a form of salutation. “And how are you?” he would reply as he took their coats—a question that would have been wholly out of order back at the Grand Hotel, where a waiter talked with guests only in response to a direct inquiry but preferably not at all. Still, a restaurant wasn’t a hotel, and besides, times had changed. The rules weren’t quite as strictly observed these days.
The patrons of the Restaurant am Berg knew only that Erneste was an Alsatian. This was obvious, but they didn’t call him an Alsatian; they referred to him as a Frenchman even though his accent was unmistakably Alemannic, not French. How old was he? Over forty and under sixty, but he was such a staple part of the restaurant’s inventory that no one devoted any more thought to his age than they did to the true age or authenticity of the various pieces of furniture that had always stood there, which were, of course, Louis Quinze or Biedermeier reproductions. And he himself felt a part of that inventory. After all, he knew every plate, every knife and fork, every napkin, every irregularity in the parquet floor, every fringe of every carpet, every picture, every vase. Being reputed to have an artistic eye, Erneste was responsible for the restaurant’s floral decorations.
He was indifferent to the days of the week. They came and went as he worked and he worked as they came and went, each as unmomentous as the next. He took little notice of the seasons. In springtime he exchanged his heavier overcoat for the lighter one, in wintertime his lighter overcoat for the heavie
r one, and that was that. First came spring, then winter. In the intervening periods he made do with jackets, two dark and one pale. He never wore cardigans. On Sunday, his only day off, he slept in, often until noon. He savored the peace and quiet and thought of his next working day, listening to classical music on the radio—operatic arias and lieder for choice. Choral music he liked less, but he never turned a program off and stayed with it to the end. He had never been to the opera, even though his salary would have enabled him to afford the occasional theater ticket. He had seen singers visit the restaurant and noted their names, but they never stayed long because they couldn’t stand the cigarette smoke. They didn’t smoke themselves, drank nothing but mineral water, and said little.
So Erneste contented himself with lightweight fare such as Adolphe Adam’s comic opera Le Postillon de Longjumeau. He was happy listening to the radio in his warm bed. He was alone but he didn’t feel lonely—or only sometimes. That was when destructive thoughts coursed through him, only to disappear as quickly as they had come. He didn’t abandon himself to them, nor did they haunt him. When he took a vacation, which was seldom, he usually spent it in the mountains. He had also been once to the Loire Valley and once each to Venice and Biarritz. The better rooms of the little hotel in Biarritz were already taken, unfortunately, so he’d had no view of the sea, but it was audible day and night.
Erneste sometimes went out after work on Saturdays, except that then he ran the risk of drinking too much. He didn’t like making a fool of himself, which wasn’t always easy at his age. Once he started drinking he couldn’t stop—he simply couldn’t help it. He had a recurrent dream in which a gang of schoolkids demanded to see his identity card, which he either didn’t possess or wasn’t carrying, and when they saw he couldn’t produce it they got angry, and no one restrained them. Incapable of defending himself, he was glad to wake up.
Only two bars came into consideration when he went out. He seldom encountered any patrons of the Restaurant am Berg there. If he did, he would say a polite hello but avoid getting into conversation on the principle that one’s leisure time and professional duties were mutually exclusive. If he encountered them at the restaurant he showed no sign of recognition, although their faces belied this. He occasionally smoked a cigarette or two in one of the bars, which didn’t close until three in the morning, and chatted there with strangers or casual acquaintances. At other times he spoke to nobody and nobody spoke to him. Afterward he would set off for home on his own. When he emerged into the open the cold morning air enveloped him like an intimate embrace, a dank, agreeable penumbra that reminded him of Paris, although it smelled quite different here. As he slowly skirted the lake and made his way along the river bank, the moisture seeped gradually through his clothes to the skin. He liked that too. He was free, exempt from any commitments outside his job. He never paused, always walked on, trying to think of nothing at all. Then he dreamed.
There was no hurry. He let two days go by before he finally decided to open the letter during the early hours of Sunday morning. He gave his imagination free rein while he waited table, thinking of the letter. By not opening it he brought time to a halt. He didn’t read it on Friday, nor on Saturday. The time he brought to a halt—the time concealed in the envelope—burned through his waiter’s dickey and seared his chest. He carried the letter around for two whole days. At night he put it on the bedside table and fell asleep looking at it—a titillating pleasure. He brought time to a standstill by not opening the letter, not yet. He waited, trying to imagine what was in it.
The letters he had received in the last ten years could be counted on the fingers of both hands. Customers didn’t write, colleagues wrote to the entire staff, and of friends he had none. Any mail he received consisted of bills or circulars, Christmas mail-order catalogs advertising water-colors by disabled artists, some clumsily executed, others painted with surprising skill, using the feet or the mouth, and an occasional postcard from his cousin in Paris.
He put off reading the letter until he felt he knew its unseen contents. For two whole days, from Friday morning until the early hours of Sunday, his thoughts revolved almost exclusively around this unopened letter from America, this rare excitement in a life so devoid of it. All his emotions were centered on the envelope and its contents. Whatever he did he did mechanically, thinking of the letter inside, of the long-written, still unread words penned by the same hand that had inscribed his address in unfamiliar capitals, for the Jakob that Erneste knew had never written to him. At the Grand Hotel there was no need, and Jakob had deemed it just as unnecessary to write to him later on. In the room they shared, the rushing waters of the Giessbach had drowned all other sounds. Erneste could still hear them after all this time.
“Monsieur Erneste!” Erneste hurried over to the table with the check. He took the money and the tip, pulled back the lady’s chair and stepped aside, helped her into her coat, then her male companion.
If his expression suddenly brightened, illumined by the ghost of a smile, it surely passed unnoticed. The couple were preoccupied with themselves, which was just as it should be. Under no circumstances should patrons be given cause to concern themselves with those whose task it was to attend to their wellbeing. His thoughts had strayed because they were constantly revolving around Jakob’s letter, but that remained a secret he was unable and unwilling to share with anyone else. The letter was like a hand reaching for him, its pressure neither heavy nor light. Two days of waiting, two days’ delay, were not a waste of time, not a symptom of reluctance—no, of joyful expectancy. He wasn’t afraid, or not yet. He wasn’t overcome by a vague feeling of apprehension until just before he opened the letter. His imagination was still as nourished by uncertainty about its contents as a hungry man by the prospect of a slice of meat.
Two days were long enough. Erneste could endure it no longer. He reached for the morsel, eager to devour it.
He wasted no time drinking in bars on Saturday night. Although he couldn’t see well in the darkness, he wore no glasses. He was slightly out of breath. Jakob had something to tell him; now he wanted to know what it was. He debated the question while walking home from work. “Has Jakob written to me or only in general terms?” he wondered. “Has he written from his new world to our old world in order to give it something it doesn’t possess? Would you recognize me on the street, Jakob, now that our youth is long past and bereft of interest, and would I recognize you? Probably not. We’d pass by without a second glance, like two men who have never seen each other before.” He was fraught with recollections of a young man. Happiness was easily acquired and quickly lost.
Home by a quarter to one, he opened the door of his apartment and a bottle of Scotch, in that order.
His hands were trembling. He poured himself another glass, filled it to the brim and drained it in two gulps, then deposited the bottle on the dresser behind him. He often sat in his little kitchen, where there was nothing to distract him. He didn’t possess a television set. When, discounting Sundays, would he have had the time to take advantage of such an expensive acquisition? The 500 francs in his savings book wouldn’t have stretched to a TV.
Impatience and curiosity were one thing, but courage was required to satisfy them. That he had now obtained from a bottle like someone having to confront a stranger, a prospective employer, or an unwelcome visitor who would persist in ringing his doorbell until he answered it. He had to open the door, there was no alternative. Yes, now he was afraid.
When the time came to open the letter at last, he wondered if it wouldn’t be better to destroy it after all—to throw it away unread like an empty husk. After all the years in which he had never forgotten Jakob, a letter from him boded no good. So confidence was out of place, as was the pleasurable anticipation that had buoyed him up for the past two days. A letter from Jakob boded no good, period. Another drink. Half a glass, a whole glass. He hesitated briefly, then filled his glass to the brim and put the bottle down beside him. Danger lurked in this rustlin
g envelope. It would lunge at him in a moment, and he was unprepared. But what was the point of waiting? As soon as curiosity triumphed over common sense—the common sense that told him: “Don’t open it, throw it away, don’t look at it!”—his old wounds would open up again. He knew this but was incapable of obeying the dictates of caution. The letter would reopen his scars once more—letters could do that. He was far more afraid of the words that awaited him than of the futile passage of time.
He sat there in the kitchen in his shirtsleeves, alive but inwardly extinct. In this get-up he was a man. Normally recognizable as a waiter only by his white linen jacket, he became an individual without one. As a waiter he was a nobody, which was just as it should be, but the jacket had to be clean and well pressed. He looked up. His gaze lingered on the only lighted window in the apartment house across the street. By now it was half-past one. A shadow stirred in the glow—it rose and fell, rose abruptly and disappeared into the adjoining room. That room was in darkness. Erneste had never seen a light on in there—the bedroom, probably. He was familiar with the shadowy figure of the sleepless woman who hurried back and forth, bobbed up and down, but he didn’t know her name and had never seen her face. He had no idea what she did, whether she read or knitted, had never seen her on the street and wouldn’t have recognized her if he had. She had no television. The light was on, night after night, whenever he came home from work. The window of that one room was always illuminated, as now. The light did not go out for days after she died, but that happened weeks later.
Would the letter contain a photo of Jakob? He had preserved the few photos of Jakob he possessed, snapshots with serrated edges, so carefully that he’d almost forgotten about them. He had stowed them away in a box and deposited the box in the cellar. They were out of reach, as remote as Jakob’s breath and even more remote than the memories of their time together at Giessbach. He never looked at old photos. Old photos only provoked gloomy thoughts of the present.
A Perfect Waiter Page 1
