by Amanda Egan
‘I owe you no explanation as to who I am or why I’m here but I’ll give you one anyway.’ He moved in closer to my mother, wincing slightly as he did so, and as he turned we realised that the back of his gown was gaping, revealing two pert little buttocks. I saw Tittie bite his lip to stop his giggles as Annie continued. ‘I have grown to love your daughter over the past few months - she’s a gal to be proud of - but you wouldn’t see that. She’s smart, feisty, funny and has a heart of gold. In short, she’s a credit to her father - a man I’ve also become very fond of. You on the other hand, you po-faced cow, are a conniving, self-centred, scheming bitch and are unable to take any credit for having such a fine daughter. Now I don’t think you’ve heard us correctly, we’ve asked you to leave. Please do so.’
My mother flushed beetroot red and opened and closed her mouth repeatedly.
Obviously knowing that she was beaten, she turned on her Kurt Geiger heels and fled from the ward.
She must have heard the cackles and guffaws ringing in her ears all the way down the corridors.
Annie flopped down on the bed next to my dad, flinching as he grabbed his groin area. ‘Oh shit! Move over Gordon. Me bollocks are killing me!’
My dad looked at Annie with tears of laughter in his eyes and patted the bed next to him. ‘After that performance Annie, my man … for you? Anything!’
Chapter Twenty-Nine
We trundled our way back to the Underground station, singing, laughing and occasionally breaking into a conga. What an odd bunch we must have looked - but none of us cared. We were drunk with happiness. My dad was on the mend and wanted to make an investment in the club - there was now the faintest glimmer of hope. There was no way we were out of the woods yet, but it would give us some much needed breathing space.
Standing on the packed tube, Tittie managed to get the whole carriage of commuters singing, ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and all around us people were smiling and joining in the fun.
Workers who had been heading wearily home, loaded down with shopping and gifts, were suddenly caught up in our euphoria. Many of them would have finished their last day before the break and would be looking forward to spending time with families and loved ones. The impromptu singalong with the crazy drag queens would probably be a story they’d recount as they carved the turkey or sipped mulled wine with neighbours.
Every passenger in that carriage would have been touched in some way by the joy that Tittie and the girls spread.
I know I was. But there was one tiny part of me that the joy refused to touch. A part that would never be truly happy.
*****
We were still in high spirits as we approached the club. Tittie had declared that we would all drink champagne when we got back and then the girls would begin to prepare for the show of their lives.
‘We’ll sing like never before, dance like Ginger Rogers and have the comic timing of …’ He trawled through his brain for a comedian who fitted the bill. ‘Oh I don’t know! Someone very funny! But we, my gals, are gonna make it the best ever.’
Tittie was the first to descend the rickety stone steps to the club, with the girls following snake-like behind and me at the back. We were eager to get into the warm and start supping at the promised champers.
Suddenly our human train jolted to a halt and I stumbled on the step, bumping into Lubov in front of me. ‘What the …?’ I said as I rubbed my ankle and balanced on my step. ‘Get a move on Lube, I need a wee.’
The queens had gone totally silent and I craned my neck around to see what was going on at the front. Then I heard Tittie say, ‘Get off my doorstep, you heart-breaker and take your buggering flowers with you. Nobody upsets our Percy.’
*****
I pushed my way past the girls to get to the front door and there, bundled in a tweed coat, scarf, and a beanie pulled over his ears, was Luke. He was clutching the most enormous bouquet I’d ever set eyes on and looked positively chilled to the bone.
In contrast, my heart melted at the sight of him as I began to experience a warm glow.
Tittie looked from Luke to me and then back to Luke. ‘I’ve told you. Piss off. We don’t want frozen turds loitering on our doorstep.’
Luke eased himself off the step, stretching his legs and stomping his feet on the ground to regain feeling. He came towards me with a wobbly smile. ‘Five minutes, Perce. Just give me five minutes and then I’ll go.’ His eyes looked deep into mine, imploring. ‘Please.’
Tittie placed a hand on my arm. ‘You don’t have to listen to him. Vi will chuck him off the premises if you want, won’t you Vi?’
Vi nodded and looked terrified, clearly hoping he wouldn’t have to and wondering why Tittie had lumbered him with the job.
I shook my head, my eyes still locked with Luke’s. ‘No Tittie, it’s fine. I’ll give him five minutes.’
I heard Lubov emit a little squeal and add, ‘Vot vunderful!’
*****
The girls allowed us the privacy of the office. Tittie gave me a glass of champagne but pointedly ignored Luke and left him drinkless. I smiled nervously at him as Tittie left and closed the door. ‘Sorry!’ I shrugged my shoulders. ‘They’re a bit protective of me, even if they don’t know the whole story, and they’re not big on subtlety.’
I realised that I was still wearing my heavy winter coat and fur hat and I wracked my brains to recall what I was wearing underneath - to determine if it was safe for me to disrobe. Then I remembered - the pretence was over. No more façade. But, as it happened, I had my best leggings on teamed with one of Lubov’s trendy tunic tops and some rather sexy boots - I looked pretty good. Not fake or phoney - just Percy on a together day.
‘Why wouldn’t you answer my calls, Perce? I wanted to talk to you.’
‘I didn’t see the point. We were over. No point dragging things out.’
He pulled his beanie off and ran his hands through his messed up hair. My pulse quickened. He still had it and he could still do it for me - this was not good. That way madness lay. I’d need to harden myself and come out of this as unscathed as possible.
‘I needed to talk to you, Perce, because I wanted to come clean and explain that I haven’t been entirely honest with you.’
I gulped apprehensively, wondering if I’d want to hear what came next. ‘That’s what they always say on that ‘Secret Millionaire’ programme.’ I attempted a fake Scottish accent. ‘Och, I’ve nae been entirely honest wi’ ya. I’m nae a recovering drug addict, I wanna gi’ ya a cheque for twenty squillion quid.’
Luke dropped to his knees and rested his hands on my lap with mine. ‘That’s not as far from the truth as you might imagine.’
I looked at him and frowned. He wasn’t making sense and if I got nothing else from this chat, I needed that. Sense and closure.
‘I think you’d better start talking, Luke. The queens won’t keep their powdered noses out forever and you’ve just totally confused me.’
He stood up and began to pace. ‘I accused you of being fake and I’m truly sorry. I did want to make you see that you didn’t need all the lippie and plastic bits and bobs but I went the wrong way about it. I should have said that I love you just the way you are - crazy, messy, natural and a bit dippy. I should have said that you look your sexiest when you’re in your tatty old dungarees with dirt on your nose and dust in your hair. But I didn’t. I stuffed up.’
My brain was filing words, chucking out some of them and hugging others to my heart. Love? Sexy? They were good ones to keep. I liked those!
Luke was talking again and I needed to get my focus back. To stop clinging onto just those two words.
‘But the worst part of it was, while I was accusing you, I was actually guilty of it myself. I’ve been an idiot, Perce. Living a lie. And it robbed me of the one thing I love most in my life. You.’
There was that love word again! But, hang on! Living a lie? That didn’t sound so good.
‘OK, Luke. Spit it out. You’re married with six kids aren’t
you?’
‘No Percy. I’m not. Although I would like to be one day.’ His eyes did that infuriating, twinkly, sparkly thing and another piece of me surrendered inside. ‘I’m a very successful property developer. Very. I’m not unemployed, I’m not penniless and I’m not proud of how I’ve led you on.’
I looked at him and squinted my eyes, trying to assimilate his words. ‘Why would you lie? What would be the point?’
He sat opposite me and took my glass, stealing a sip of my bubbles. ‘When women find out about my money, they hang on for dear life. They hone in on the bank account, the houses and the potential holidays and they drag me round shops for handbags, shoes and shiny bits of crap. So I made up my mind to … well to be a fake, I guess, until I found the woman of my dreams. Until I knew that somebody loved me for me and not for my dosh. Does that make any sense?’
I nodded. If you were a bloke with a little bit of money, I guess that would get quite annoying.
‘But then I fell for you, Perce. Really fell. And I panicked. I took out all my anger and frustration on you when I saw you trying to act like all the other bimbos. I blamed you for everything so that I could get off scot-free. I hope you’ll forgive me.’
How could I not, with a heartfelt plea like that?
‘I do forgive you, Luke. Don’t give it another thought.’
‘That’s just it, Perce. I think we need to be giving it lots of thought. I’ve been sitting back, watching the club suffer and all of you become more and more miserable when I could have been doing something to help.’ He lifted my chin to force me to look him straight in the eye. ‘I heard you all that day when you were saying what The Glove meant to you. I’d come to talk to you but you were all in a meeting, trying to save the club.’
I thought back to that day. We’d heard the door close but Dave had been unable to find anyone there. Luke had been there, listening to our mixed bag of stories!
‘I was too worried about what people would think of me.’ He continued. ‘Investing in a drag club? Not exactly macho is it? But no more. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. I want to buy this building outright and give it a complete makeover. That’s if Annie will let me.’
I felt the bubble of a giggle begin to build and it gradually gave way to hysterical laughter. ‘Buy? Outright? Makeover? Do you know what this building’s worth?’
‘Yes, Percy. I do. I’ve been doing my homework and I mean every word of it.’ Luke looked determined and resolute.
‘But …’ I struggled to find the right words - to pose my question without sounding nosey or being told to mind my own business. I decided the direct approach was the best. ‘Just how much money do you actually have?’
Luke laughed and stroked my cheek. ‘At last! A straightforward question that I can give an honest answer to. No more lies. No more secrets.’ He took a deep breath and studied me for my reaction. ‘Somewhere in the region of fifty million quid.’
*****
I vaguely registered Tittie, Lady, Vi, Ma and Lubov falling through the closed door where they had clearly been ear-wigging and then making a pathetic show of pretending it had been an accident.
Offering a weak excuse reminiscent of Fawlty Towers, Lady claimed that they were fixing the lock and Vi and Ma agreed enthusiastically, bashing the door and fiddling with the knob.
Lubov stated honestly, ‘Ve was spyingk.’ And Tittie screamed, ‘Marry him. Marry him!’
Luke smiled good-naturedly. ‘Oh you like me now, do you Tittie? You’re just like all the gals, only after me for my money.’
Tittie look mock-shocked and slapped a hand on his partly padded bosom. ‘I’ve always liked you, Luke. I just wanted to see you do the right thing by our Perce.’ He handed him a glass of champagne, now obviously forgiven. ‘And from that moving speech you just delivered, I reckon you’re doing just fine.’
‘Oh the speech that you weren’t listening to, eh?’ Luke joked.
‘Well …’ Tittie patted his wig, complete with rollers. ‘I may have heard snippets but then I do have exceptionally acute hearing. One needs to as a performing artiste, don’t you know?’
‘Yeah, except when someone’s telling you it’s your turn to buy a round,’ Lady threw over his shoulder as he continued to study the lock. ‘Selective hearing then, eh? Tight old git!’
Tittie glared at Lady and then turned back to Luke with a huge smile. ‘So … the little bits that I did manage to hear - apart from all the lovely, gooey, romantic stuff …’ He looked at me and beamed. ‘… those other little bits seemed to imply that you might be The Glove’s knight in tweed coat. Am I right?’
Luke finished his drink and handed the glass out for more, pushing his luck to the limit. Tittie eagerly obliged and then sidled up to him. ‘Hmm? Did I hear that bit right?’
Luke nodded. ‘Yes, Tittie. Your incredibly bionic hearing heard correctly. I’d like to come on board. If Annie will have me, that is.’
‘Tittie jumped up and down on the spot, clapping his hands and wobbling his fake bosoms. ‘Have you? HAVE you? He’ll be biting your gorgeous little hand off.’ I could see the slightest glint of moisture in his eyes. ‘Oh my! It’s just like the ending to a Disney Christmas film, isn’t? Generous benefactor comes forward at the eleventh hour, joyous bells are ringing, all the pretty ladies get dressed in their finery and the guy gets his gal.’ He stopped abruptly. ‘Ooops! Silly old, presumptuous me. I take it that is the way this all works out? You two will …?’ He flapped his hand about in place of finding the right words.
Luke looked at me and raised his eyebrows in question. ‘What d’ya say, Perce? Did the guy get his girl?’
My kiss said it all - and more - and the round of applause and cheers that came from the girls rivalled anything I’d heard from an audience of hundreds. I was the leading lady in the cheesiest film of all time and we were heading towards a happy ending.
*****
Tittie gave me the night off.
‘Good grief, Percy. We can’t have you working tonight. You need to go home with ‘Yummy Moneybags’ here and make up for lost time.’ He then leaned over and whispered in my ear with a dirty laugh, ‘Give him one from me, will you? You lucky cow!’
As we were preparing to leave, Luke pulled on his hat and said, ‘I don’t know what you all have planned for Christmas but I’ve got quite a big house on Richmond Hill - there’s enough room for you all to stay, if you like. Christmas is a time for friends, isn’t it? And the more the merrier I say!’
We left the club hand in hand with the excited babble of the girls ringing in our ears:
‘Richmond Hill? Big property?’
‘Oooh, I’m going to use my fake Louis Vuitton overnight bag. Been dying to give it an outing.’
‘I am so not sharing a room with you, Lady, your wind does my head in!’
‘Vot vill my Gordon say? I must not have him over-excited.’
Suddenly Christmas was looking a whole lot brighter.
Chapter Thirty
Luke and I stayed up all night talking. Everything else he’d told me had been the truth - the split with his father, the move to London. All of that had driven him to become the success he now was.
And boy, was he a success! Aside from his house in Richmond he owned three flats in London, a pile in Surrey, a villa in the South of France and a small property in the States. He treated his workers well - the ones who had done all the odd jobs at the club! (how dumb had I been?) He gave regularly to charity and drove a modest Audi because he loathed people who were flash with their cars.
Oh, and he loved me! That was really the most important part.
Picnicking on a take-away in front of Luke’s massive open fire, I sighed contentedly and shoved yet another huge piece of naan bread in my mouth, dribbling chutney down my chin.
‘Got your appetite back then, I see, Perce?’ Luke teased.
‘Well, I figured you want me to be real. So I guess it’s only fair that you know I am a real pig!’
I sat bolt upright and looked at him full on. ‘I can’t afford to go off on travels like that! I have to work for my living and I haven’t spent the past few months of my life transforming myself into the confident person I’ve become just to turn into a kept woman. I couldn’t expect you to pay for me. That would make me as bad as all the gold-diggers you detest.’
