“I’m sure you did, and I’m telling you, women don’t listen when a man says something like that, because they don’t want to believe it. They want to believe they can change a man’s mind.”
He frowned. “That makes absolutely no sense.”
“And that surprises you? You’re always complaining about how illogical women are.”
“Amanda’s not. She’s careful and cautious, and she knows me. She knows what I’m like. She believed me.”
“Josh, Dan told me the exact same thing last year. I didn’t believe him.”
“Oh, hell. You?” He had a sinking feeling deep in his gut.
She nodded.
Josh swore once again. Jamie was a smart woman. She should have known better, but still… “It worked out in the end. You changed his mind.”
“Is Amanda going to change your mind?”
“No.”
“Then you need to leave her alone.”
“She needs me,” he argued.
“She needs you to keep her safe until Rudy Olivara’s gone.”
“What are you? My conscience now?”
“God, no. I’m not up to that. It’s a job for a dozen women at least.”
“It’s not funny,” he complained. “There’s nothing funny about this.”
Jamie leaned her head against his side. “Sorry.”
He slid his arm around her and complained, “I don’t understand any of it.”
“I could explain it to you, but you wouldn’t listen. We’ve proven that already.”
Josh frowned. “You’re saying I’m being as illogical as a woman who doesn’t listen when I say our relationship will be a temporary thing?”
“You got it. Did you figure out what you want from Amanda yet?”
He thought about lying through his teeth on that one, but Jamie was his friend. He was feeling curiously uneasy and frustrated and unsure of what he should do. But he was perfectly clear on all the things he’d already done wrong.
“I stayed away for a year,” he said, “and before, when she was with Rob, because I thought she’d be better off without me. And I was dead wrong about that. She’s gone through this all alone, and I should have been with her. I could have helped her, Jamie. I’m going to help her. I cannot leave her alone right now.”
“Okay. I give up. I won’t try to talk you out of it anymore. And I would talk to Dan for you about pulling Amanda out of this, but I already tried. Last night.”
“He wouldn’t listen to you, either?”
“He listened. I just didn’t change his mind. He honestly believes it’s the right thing. If Rudy or anyone else is going to try to use Amanda like this, we need to know about it and deal with it. When Dan put it to me like that, I decided he was right.” Jamie looked thoughtful. “He’s worried about her, too. So am I.”
“Okay,” he said. He’d have to make it work, keep her safe.
“I did volunteer to be on the mission team, if you want me.”
Jamie had worked in-house since she got pregnant, planning operations, monitoring via satellite link from the office while they were underway. They’d been shorthanded, losing three field agents already in the past year, so everyone had agreed that she would stay on at least until she had her baby. Josh liked the idea of her calling the shots from this end. There was no one he would trust more.
“Of course I want you.” He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, pausing for another second to rub her tummy, which he found utterly fascinating. He’d never been near a pregnant woman before. “How’s my baby this morning?”
Jamie groaned. “Almost as annoying as you. I think it’s getting too crowded in there to suit her. She’s trying to bust out. Through my rib cage.”
“He,” Josh insisted.
He got to his feet and offered her a hand, pulling her up from the deep cushion of the chair, having the nerve to laugh at the effort it took her just to stand.
“You are a truly awful man,” she complained.
They both laughed. Josh was getting ready to say something smart, because he liked teasing her. But when he turned around, he found Amanda standing in the doorway to his office, looking from him to Jamie, then back to him with the oddest look on her face.
“I’m sorry,” Amanda said. “I didn’t realize you were busy.”
“We’re not,” Jamie said, heading for the door. “I was just leaving.”
Jamie slipped past Amanda. Josh grabbed her hand and pulled her into his office, closing the door behind her, wondering what she’d heard.
“Been standing there awhile?” he asked as casually as he could, hoping he wasn’t going to slam any doors today. He wasn’t sure his ego could take it. It couldn’t take much more of her thinking he was a louse, either.
“I’m sorry,” Amanda said. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”
“Amanda?”
“Hmm?”
Josh swore. Just this morning she’d said she trusted him. Obviously, she didn’t. She was also taking two steps back for every one he took toward her. She had her back against the wall, and he realized he was too close. She had her teeth over her bottom lip and was an instant away from biting down when he reached for her, barely stopping himself from touching her.
“Don’t,” he said instead, wondering what possessed him to make such a bargain with her. No hands. It was proving to be nearly impossible.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t you dare tell me you would think for a minute that I’m the father of Jamie’s baby,” he growled. “It was a joke, Amanda.”
“Okay.”
Hell, no, it wasn’t okay. He could see that. Sighing, he added, “Just in case you were wondering, there’s absolutely no way that could be my baby.”
“Okay.”
“She’s crazy about her husband, and as much as I adore Jamie, we don’t have that kind of relationship. She’s my friend. Not my lover. She has never been my lover, has never come close to being my lover.”
“All right. I believe you.”
“Are you sure?”
Amanda sighed and looked uncomfortable. “You two have always been close.”
“We are. We worked together for a long time,” he said, then added, without really thinking, “If anything, she reminds me of my sister.”
“I didn’t know you had a sister.”
Josh caught the frown before it showed, used a discipline honed over the years to hide any emotion that might have surfaced in that moment. That he’d mentioned his sister at all showed how rattled he really was. But she’d been on his mind ever since Amanda had told him about her mother’s brother.
“What, did you think I crawled out from under a rock one day?” he asked, as lightly as he could manage. “I have a mother and a father, too.”
“I imagined you came into the world in the usual way,” she said. “And I’ve heard about your father. The ambassador.”
“What a guy,” Josh quipped.
“You two don’t get along?”
“No,” he said, end of story. He wasn’t talking about his father, either. “How did we go from talking about women to talking about my family?”
“Something about the possibility of you fathering children.”
“I haven’t. Not ever. Just in case you were wondering.”
“Of course. You just flirt with every woman in sight. You probably never take it any further than that.”
“You think I sleep with every woman I flirt with?” he asked, wondering how bad her opinion of him could possibly be. “I like women. I like to make them smile. But it doesn’t mean anything, Amanda. I’ve flirted with every woman in this building. Do you really think I’ve been involved with all of them?”
“No,” she admitted. “Not all of them.”
“Oh, hell, I’m hardly ever here. I’m out of town more than I’m in, and I have to rest sometime. When am I supposed to have worked my way through the female population of this building?”
“You work fast?” sh
e suggested, then honestly looked contrite. “Josh, it’s none of my business what you do. If you want to throw a wild, decadent party and invite the entire female population of the fourth floor, and have them draw straws to see who gets you first, it’s none of my business.”
“You think I have sex parties?” he roared.
“No.” She took a step back, cringing at his tone. “I guess not…I don’t know, and it’s none of my business anyway.”
“It is now,” he said, fury pouring through his veins. “I don’t throw parties that turn into orgies. I don’t run from one woman’s bed to the next.”
“Okay.”
He swore once again, thinking for a sweet, quiet, unassuming woman, she had a way of making him absolutely crazy, making him yell and stomp around and want to throw things, until he felt like an absolute fool.
She made it sound as if he might as well have one of those little machines hanging from his bedroom door, the thing they used at his favorite deli that gave out numbers on little scraps of paper. So people knew when it was their turn. He could just hear it now. No. 347, Mr. Carter will serve you now. He could make announcements over the PA system at work. After all, he was supposedly working his way through the building.
“God,” he choked out. “I don’t believe this. Amanda, I want you to understand something. If you and I are going to be involved, there won’t be anyone else. Not while we’re together.”
“You are a one-woman-at-a-time kind of guy?”
“It so happens I am.” He swore, not remembering the last time he was this mad. “You think I’m a real jerk?”
“No. I think you’re…busy. I think you stay…busy. With women. Which is fine with me. I mean, I don’t have any right to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. That’s how it works, right? Relationships. Adult relationships.”
“It works however we want it to work.”
“Well…that’s fine. I wasn’t criticizing you. I wasn’t thinking I had the right to tell you what to do.”
“And if I gave you that right?” he said, dead serious.
“What?”
“If I chose to give you the right?”
“I…I don’t understand.”
He sighed, not quite understanding himself. Just knowing he wanted her to be comfortable, to trust him, to like him. What would he have to do, he wondered, to make Amanda really like him?
“If it makes you uncomfortable to have me say things like that to other women, even as a joke, I won’t do it.”
She blinked up at him. “Josh, flirting to you is like breathing. As long as you’re alive, you’ll be flirting.”
“It doesn’t mean anything, Amanda. I like women. I like making them feel good. If I tell someone I think she looks gorgeous today, I mean that I sincerely like the way she looks. Is there anything wrong with telling a woman that?”
“No.”
“And if I kiss a woman on the cheek? What about that?”
Puzzled, she said, “What about it?
“I don’t have to do that,” he offered. If it made her uneasy, seeing him touch another woman, he would stop.
“Josh, I don’t understand why we’re having this conversation.”
“Because I want you to be comfortable with me. I want you to trust me when I tell you that right now, I don’t want anyone but you. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to convince you of that.”
“You’re going to change the way you act? For me?”
“I told you, I want you to be comfortable,” he said, wondering why he’d made her decidedly uncomfortable by saying that.
“It’s not necessary,” she claimed.
“I think it is,” he said, honestly baffled by the whole conversation. Was it so hard for her to believe he wanted to please her? That he was capable of showing a bit of restraint where other women were concerned? He waited, hoping she’d give him some clue as to what he should do, then suggested, “How about no hands?”
“What?”
“Same rules you and I have. No hands. No kissing. I may not be able to control what I say, because you’re right, flirting is… Well, I open my mouth, and that’s just what comes out. But I can keep my hands and my mouth to myself.”
“You?”
“It’s not exactly a hardship, Amanda. I told you, you’re the only one I want right now.”
She just stood there, staring up at him.
Josh waited, when all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and crush her to him. He wanted to hold her the way he’d held her this morning, and he wanted to promise her that everything would be fine, that he was going to make things all better for her, that she wasn’t going to be alone, and no one was ever going to hurt her.
But he didn’t do forever, and he didn’t lie. All he had to offer was a good time, while it lasted, and suddenly that just didn’t seem like enough for a woman like Amanda. What was he going to do if that wasn’t enough for her?
Chapter 7
Amanda wanted to believe everything he told her. That he didn’t have to touch another woman, didn’t have to put his hands or his mouth on anyone else, because he didn’t want to and because he knew it made her uncomfortable. It struck her as so odd, that he would be so concerned about her comfort, that he’d rearrange his life to accommodate her. She didn’t think she’d ever been that important to anyone, and it was a heady thought that she might truly be that important to Josh.
“Hungry?” he said. “How do you feel about seafood?”
“I still can’t get over the notion that you cook.”
His mouth twitched. “Did you think I was helpless, Amanda?”
“No, just spoiled.”
“I am. I’m a food snob, and the only way to make sure I can always get what I want was to learn to cook it myself.”
“And you always find a way to get what you want.”
“That remains to be seen.” He gave her a slow, steamy smile.
He fed her shrimp and pasta, plied her with wine that was probably outrageously expensive, but nice. They sat at a small table in the alcove off the living room. Nerves fluttered in the pit of her stomach. He kept her smiling all the way through dinner. There was candlelight and wine and soft music, an impressive view of the Washington skyline in the background.
So this is how the other half lives, Amanda thought.
She helped him clean up, and they were standing in the kitchen when she said, “I’ve always been so careful. Despite this mess with Rob—”
“Let’s forget all about Rob Jansen, all right? I don’t blame you for anything that happened with him, and I know you’ve been careful, Amanda. I understand.”
“Actually, I was thinking I’m getting tired of being careful,” she said. “Being careful hasn’t kept me safe. It hasn’t kept me from getting hurt.”
“I won’t hurt you, Amanda. I would never deliberately hurt you.”
“I know that.”
And she wondered what he would do if she asked him to kiss her. Just once. Maybe twice. She wondered if she could have that and nothing more. She doubted many women held him off after just a few kisses, but he said he was in the mood to indulge her. To spoil her. She liked the idea, the sense of freedom it gave her to ask for what she wanted. Liked the idea of someone putting her wishes and needs ahead of his own.
“What are you thinking?” he asked, his voice sinfully soft and full of promise.
“That you’re probably very good at spoiling a woman.”
“I am,” he said. “Going to let me spoil you, Amanda?”
“Maybe.”
He laughed, and she laughed with him.
Amanda was thinking it was a purely magical evening and that he was obviously a magical man. It was as if he’d woven a spell around her, spun a web of pure gold. Everything seemed so much brighter. The whole world, the entire universe, when she was with him. She felt as if anything was possible. As if she could fly if she wanted to. As if the world was full of amazing and wonderful possibilities.
She’d forgotten about all the possibilities, all the good things.
“I do think you could be good for me,” she said.
He grinned. “This is starting to get interesting.”
“You’ve already been good for me,” she said. “For a long time all I could see were the bad things that had happened. I worried that nothing would ever get better. I was about to become a hermit in my own house, hiding away from everything and everyone, feeling sorry for myself and guilty and lost.”
“Then it’s a good thing we got you out of there.”
She nodded, seeing the irony, too. A dangerous situation with Josh was preferable to a normal day in her orderly, solitary life. Another time she might think back on it and decide it was sad. But not now. She was with Josh, and Josh was magic. He was life and laughter and warmth, the positively sinful pursuit of happiness, of pleasure, of indulgence. She was thinking of indulging herself with him.
She went to him and placed her hand over his heart. Heat shimmered through the expensive cloth. She could feel a pulse beating rapidly and strong. She feared he might pounce on her, as he’d laughingly discussed earlier, but he didn’t. He kept his word. He stood absolutely still, a dangerously intense heat in his eyes.
“Go ahead,” he invited. “Whatever you want.”
There were so many places on a man’s body she’d longed to touch. So many places on him she’d imagined touching. Truth was, he’d always been the stuff of her fantasies, and she could hardly believe she was here with him now, touching him. Standing in his apartment after a candlelit dinner with two whole glasses of wine warming her from the inside out, his heated gaze on her.
“You make me want to do things I know are wrong,” she said.
“Why are they wrong?”
“I can’t remember anymore.” Funny, she used to know exactly why. She sighed, her hands roaming over his chest, his shoulders, his arms. She took his hands and put them on her waist, slid a step closer to him.
“Is this a test?” he asked. “To see how much of this I can take without breaking my word.”
“No,” she claimed. “It’s an indulgence. You said you were ready to indulge me. And I like touching you.”
Cinderella and the Spy Page 10
